ADDICTEDTOANADD

I am fairly new here, but have gained some good incite. My story is no different. I myself am an addict. So, I KNOW all about manipulation and the addict thinking!!! It is such a CRAZY lifestyle.

My brief story: I witnessed domestic violence w/my parents growing up,started using alcohol at 13,sex at 14,first use of drugs 16,pregnant at 17(w/ a one night stand),mom at 18,1st abusive relationship 22,raped at 27(pregnant from rape and almost died from ectopic pregnancy),27 first use of a prescribed opiate,due to surgery,immediately pregnant from an abusive "man" at 28, severe depression 29,tried to commit suicide 30,battled depression and on and off drug use 36,father gained custody of my baby 36,several attempts at suicide,BACK w/first abuser38,HE "shoots" me up and I am a HEAVY DRUG user 39,several arrest and warrants,lost everything40(homeless),CLEAN...almost 41,Still w/drug addict,abusive boyfriend,LEFT user and in shelter.

I moved to another state w/this person and he CLAIMED he was clean and began using crack my first day here and everyday since. I spent my days in a new and pretty state, STUCK in the house. Every night filled w/anxiety,because he spent all the money crack. I worried everyday that the room-mate would suspect something. He tells me he uses, because I am a bitch and put too much pressure on him. The pressure is to please stop using drugs. I found a job and he stole my money and left me home w/no phone and I could not get to work, I lost that job! He screams in my face, owns a gun and thought it was "funny" to point it at me and shoot w/no bullets. I can never talk, he is always right and yells over me. He tells me, I start all the arguments and cause "these issues". He has broken my stuff,thrown things at me,destroyed house property,told me I am a "piece of ****",dumb etc.. NOW he is using crack and pain pills. His behavior is all over the place. He is up all night and when he goes to work, he tries to tell me how "little sleep" he gets, but "pulls his self up" to work and I should do the same! I have NO resources in this new state. He has the car. SO the other day, he told me I did not deserve the light off, cause WE DO NOT GET ALONG!! AND I DO NOT WORK!! When I tried to turn it off, he battled me and tried to throw me out of the bed and broke it, w/me in it!!

I LEFT....went to a shelter. I have SOOOO much anger and shame, I feel one of us is going to REALLY get hurt. Finally, the games begin...He wants to die now, he needs me,he "knows he is f...ed up", he wants to change, "we need to talk". I fell for it...I watched him stay up until 5!!!!, doing drugs and chasing it. Then he left me all day alone to do drug stuff....He would NOT bring me back home, "cause all i do is BITCH". So i was stuck in the house again w/no where to go, until I begged and cried for him to return and drop me off. Finally, he did. He showed me a bunch of crack and money and told me"he needs to hustle" for money, so he can survive. HE is his best customer!

I am just as CRAZY...i still love this person and my mind tells me I NEED to worry about me,but I just cry and i feel lost and confused. The "good" times almost never exist any more, the "honeymoon" is shorter and shorter. I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE ME!!! I have a college degree and help others, how did i get here?

Hanna

Welcome to Sober Recovery. You are in the right place.

Have you read the sticky posts yet?

You are going to find many supportive people here, and even some who have walked in your shoes and are surviving and thriving today.

I wish I could just give you a big hug. There is work ahead but if you do it, things will be very different.

Please keep reading. Devour this site and read the experience, strength and hope of then beautiful people here- addicts as well as friends and family.

Peace and I'm saying a prayer for you right after I hit post.

Hanna

AnvilheadII

perhaps leaving again, for good this time, and heading to the shelter would be a good start. you need to get some space and distance from the crack dealing b/f in order to think straight. you need to get away from drug users and addicts altogether, once and for all and start getting YOUR life back together. hopefully the shelter has some resources or counseling to help you.

ADDICTEDTOANADD

First, thank you. Unfortunatly, this shelter belives in empowerment (TOO MUCH), so basically I am safe,but on my own. I have a place to lay my head, but I cry alone,think by myself and hurt...I have no one to talk too. Alot of the women here have so much drama and I am not here for that. My family lives so far away and I am so ashamed that I just can not tell them. So......

ADDICTEDTOANADD

I see people viewing, I really need some words of wisdom.....I get soooo angery, I am in a shelter. I am suppose to be living a healthy, fun life and fulfilled life.thanks

exauhsted

I'm no expert and have no authority to give advice but dear just run run now while you can.

This is something I have put before my daughter many times and this is it:

Do you really Love him or do you Love that he loves you?

You can not continue to stay in a situation that only drags you down to that level. Don't be afraid to ask your family for help..they may not agree with you all the time but they will do what they can, it may not be all that you want at the moment but it may just what you need....reach out......hold on to what they can give.

(((((HUGS))))

LoveMeNow

I think we all want that but sometimes life and the choices we make can really complicate things.

It was almost year ago, that I realized I had some problems within me that I had to change so I could live a healthy life with healthy relationships. Reading Codependent No More, finding a therapist and going to a CoDa support group and/or Alanon have really helped me see how my own thinking had become so messed up over the years. Even the word boundaries was something completely new to me.

It has not always been fun and there were times it was very painful, but it has been so worth it because I now know I am worth it. And so are you!!

So what is your next step on YOUR journey??

incitingsilence

Above all else and no matter what, he will keep escalating and escalating. That there is no life with him, and your life will be in danger if you go back.

Being safe now is more important than anything. From there doors will open and time will help you to heal yourself.

Take a deep breath, you got the safe issue covered in this moment and from here anything is possible. The road will not be easy but it sure as hell will be worth it.

Is 211 in the state you are in, just dial it from any phone. If it is, there are tons of resources they can offer you. Also there are free cell phone programs for abused women….

Work on a plan from this moment on. One that keeps you safe above all else, one to keep you from relapsing.

There was domestic violence in your home as a child … were either of your parents using, although I don’t think it matters… check out the ACOA forum on here too, lots of good stuff there. Surround yourself with resources and support from any area you can find.

And what about your family? I want to say to not be ashamed ( because there is no reason to be and it is self defeating anyway) and go home. But what would you be going home too … chaotic or healthy people?

Stay safe and be gentle with yourself!

ADDICTEDTOANADD

"Above all else and no matter what, he will keep escalating and escalating. That there is no life with him, and your life will be in danger if you go back"

Actually, my parents stayed married for 40 yrs now!!! There life is completely different than when i was younger. My dad is a changed man and so is my mom.

I am not a kid, I do not want to have to live off my family. I REALLY think you for your incite. I have NOTHING to go back to...my mind NOWS that!!! No one changes overnight. He leaves me messages telling me he loves me and we need to talk, but all the days I watched him use drugs and the abuse(when i was using, he would deny me drugs). If I do not change, why would anything change? I do NOT want to fall back into active addiction. Every time that happens, things get so out of control. Thats when we "connect" the most...its so CRAZY THINKING!!! THANK you soo much..

Ann

He (and you) are following the "cycle of abuse" and it is never ending until you say enough, and it sounds to me like you are there.

This is from the "sticky" forums above, take a read and see if you don't see your situation in there.

The people at the shelter can help you find help for yourself, more than a bed and a roof over your head but counseling and a new start. Please ask them.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html

Hugs

tjp613

Are you in a homeless shelter or a domestic violence shelter? A DV shelter would be highly appropriate for you and all of them offer counseling. You could even ask to be transported to a shelter in another city or state to offer more protection. If you don't have money, most will pay for bus fare to get you transported to their shelter even if it's in another state. It sounds to me like getting a lot of distance between you would be a very good thing...right after you change your phone number.

Please call 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) and speak to a counselor there about your options. They are there to help.

(((Hugs)))

laurie6781

(((((ADDICTEDTOANADD)))))

First let me say WELCOME to SR. Here you will find LOTS of folks with LOTS of
Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) not only for your situation with your ABF
(Addicted Boy Friend) but for your own addiction in our Substance Abuse Forums.

Now I will cut to the chase here, putting on my Alcohol/addict Hat. I gather from
your posts that you are in recovery for substance abuse but not too long. This
MUST be your primary GOAL right now!! I don't know if you are in a program
like NA or AVRT or SMART but I strongly suggest that you get into one so that you
can work on you and put a 'muzzle' on the AV (Addict Voice) or King Alcohol as I
call him.

Any little stress and that voice starts talking in our heads, telling us how now that
we have had a break, we can handle it, etc

As a recovering A (alcoholic/addict) for almost 32 years, I have to say this: "PLEASE
find a sponsor or a counselor. IF you go with the NA program get a sponsor and USE
that sponsor daily. A sponsor will help you, by being a guide, through the program of
NA and if there are not a lot of NA meetings, try AA as you have stated that you have
also used Alcohol to the extreme. Just in the AA meeting if you are going to identify
then identify as an Alcoholic/Addict, and make sure you go to an 'open' meeting not
a closed one. IF you are going to NA or AA I will strongly suggest that you do 90
meetings in 90 days. Yes at least one meeting a day, and within the first 2 to 3 weeks,
find a sponsor.

I am a 'double winner' both from Alcohol and Drugs and a Co Dependent. Now we
have several others like myself that. I see that Anvilhead has already posted to this
thread, and there is Impurrfect and also Freedom 1990. All 'double winners.'

We KNOW how hard it is to find recovery and stay on that path, with and without a
using addict in our lives. It does not work with a using addict in our lives.

Anvilhead said:

Succinct and to the point! The ONLY person you can help and change is YOU. No one
else. ABF is going to have to find recovery or not ON HIS OWN. Not knowing exactly
where you are, I cannot tell you how much help you can get from the shelter, but
take all you can get. Help finding a job, and housing, and getting to meetings and
finding a sponsor, and counseling if they have any. I am not sure if you are in a
homeless shelter, or a Domestic Violence Shelter. I am going to PM you when I
finish posting this.

Right now I too will say STAY AT THE SHELTER, DO NOT GO BACK THERE. You
are safer in the shelter. Oh and by the way, mental and emotional abuse is also
Domestic Violence and can be as bad as physical and sometimes worse. So you
definitely qualify for the Domestic Violence Shelter!

Please keep posting here and in the Substance Abuse forum. Please work on
you, and by doing that, and getting and staying sober and clean you will start to
feel BETTER about yourself, your self esteem will start to return and you will see,
realize and know, that you are a much better person, than the one who was
picking addicts for partners.

Recovery will bring you a life you never knew was possible! I can attest to that!
I had no clue how much my life would change and what a great life I would have!
Things that have happened to me and continue to happen to me in recovery are
just nothing I never dreamed could or would happen! I was able to marry and
divorce, without picking up any substance. I was able to go back to school and
get my degree. I was able to start my own business and have it thriving very
well. Had 15 employees beside myself. Was able to 'sell' my company when I
was forced to retire early because of health issues (several which were caused by
the drinking and using I did for 24 years) get a lot better with the health issues,
take lessons and get my pilots license for flying daylight only, it is a VFR (Visual
Flight Rules) and am now preparing (more lessons and flying time, lol) to take
my test for an IFR (Instrument Fly Rules) license which will allow me to fly day or
night, and cloudy weather, etc

I have also been in dog rescue and fostering for many many years. Was doing
wolf dog rescue when I got sick. Had to stop that for a while and then as I got
better, became very interested in Belgian Sheep Dogs, the black ones (my avatar
is one of my fur kids). Got her from a lady who used to be a member her, and
she lives in New Jersey, lol

She warned me, boy did she warn me that "Belgian Sheepdogs were like Lay's
Potato Chips, you cannot have just one." She said this over and over to me. Now
being the good A that I am, my head said "yeah yeah, that won't happen to me."
roflmao

Boy what a hoot. 6 months after getting Shania, I got Mitch another Black Belgian.
Then a year ago, I got involved with the Belgian Malinois (that is the short haired
flavor that you will see at airports, with police and sheriff departments, and with
the Border Patrol and ICE). I now have two of those that I have adopted and right
now have two more of those that I am fostering.

See being an A you know if one is good, then MORE is better, roflmao But actually
since this is a more 'active' breed they have helped tremendously in getting me
not only 'back on my feet' but better than I was before I retired!

YOU can do ANYTHING you want to do, or dream of doing, IF YOU GET AND STAY
CLEAN AND SOBER.

So, please keep posting here and in the substance abuse forums and keep us
informed on how you are doing as we do care so very much!

First step is STAY in the shelter, go NO CONTACT and start working on you, by
attending meetings and getting a sponsor and/or finding some counseling with a
therapist that specializes in addiction.

Hope the above helps a bit. I shared part of my story with you (a small part) in
the hopes that it will 'start you dreaming' of what you too can do in recovery.

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,

ps: I am off to PM you now, lol

Impurrfect

((Addictedtoanadd)) - Welcome to SR, though so sorry for what has brought you here. I'm a "double winner" and my DOC (drug of choice) was crack, as with 2 of the 3 XABFs.

I had to get away from the 3rd XABF as I wanted recovery, he wanted to keep smoking and I was tired of the lies, the drama, etc.

Six years into recovery, I am still living back home at the age of 51 Not what I envisioned, sometimes has it's own drama but I got into serious financial turmoil and it hasn't been easy to rebound, but I am.

I didn't want to leave XABF#3, I didn't want to come home, heck I didn't even really want to quit smoking crack forever when I began this journey.

I clung to this forum and the great people here. I found that the more I was away from XABF, the more I was getting used to my life being relatively calm...and I LIKED it. Still do.

XABF was also a hustler and his own best customer. He died in a crackhouse of pneumonia because smoking was more important than going to a dr. Yes, I grieved for him but I also realized that there was nothing I could have done differently. I have to take care of ME!

You deserve a life without all this drama. I won't say it's a piece of cake to cut ties with him, but I will promise you that one day, you will probably look back and wonder why you put yourself through all this.

I do hope you keep reading and posting.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Freedom1990

Many good things said here already.

My heart hurt as I read your post as I see so much of me in you. The domestic violence, rape, drug addiction, I too have been through.

Laurie is so right in that you must keep your recovery from addiction first and foremost.

My second husband was an addict/alcoholic too, so it was definitely a marriage of opportunity, or so I thought. He partied hard like me, and I knew he'd never fault me for doing so too because he wasn't a "wet blanket" like my first husband.

What I signed on for was a life of fear, violence, rage, and degradation. I was lucky to make it out alive.

That man is dead now, complications due to AIDS, which he contracted while I was in rehab.

Through a series of what I choose to call miracles, I never went back to that man after I got out of rehab. I chose recovery. He did not. Had I gone back to him, I have no doubt that death awaited me, whether it be through my own relapse on drugs, him beating me to death, or me contracting AIDS too.

Hon, you are a child of God just like me. You deserve better, and it's there for the taking if you just put in the work.

I have been clean/sober for 22+ years, and in recovery from codependency for 13+ years. There is hope, I promise. If I can do it, so can you.

Please keep posting and know that I care. Sending you hugs of support!

ADDICTEDTOANADD

WOW...as I read the above 2 stories, I get chills and cry. I know death is an option for him...I believe that is his goal. We talked about it.

Anyway, enough about him,I wanted to die so MANY times and after i lose my baby to her dad, it was like a death. I used drugs to NOT feel and hoped that drugs would kill me. In addition, I tried to kill myself twice in a yr. I WANT TO LIVE, I SEE A FUTURE AGAIN! I spoke to my ex. last night and he was up and out late at night, then had to call me back...I told him DON’T! He is just chasing drugs and it sickens me!! As I type, my phone is blowing up by him....my mind tells me this is the day to NOT respond and change! I am in the shelter and if i have to go shelter to shelter until i am able to get my own...I will. I have NOTHING to return to....just soooo much anxiety,fear,lies,hopes and disappointment!!! MY mind tells me this...i am trying to listen to my mind and NOT my heart. It is HARD as hell...I love this person, who is KILLING themselves, but at the same time he is KILLING me too!!! I think what is keeping me "strong" is because I want my daughter back in my life. I want her to have a place to come to one day. Thank YOU...too everyone who is responding,it helps sooo much. YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!! I have no one else to talk too Yesterday was A HARD DAY!!! I CRIED sooo much, today is a little better.

bunkie65

Dear Addictedtoadd,

The many posts in response to yours are powerful testimonials of hope (imo), of real people real experiences of the pain, chaos of addiction of self and others. Their triumphs of wanting and working hard to over come the negative effects of addiction are inspirational and inspiring! The desperation and pain you feel can be the catapult to change if you so choose! That's where change begins (imo), when one ios sick and tired of being sick and tired, and has a willingness to reach out for help, as you are doing!

Nothing changes if nothing changes! There is a power greater than our self, there is a power greater than the pain we feel and the drugs that are used by self or a loved one! That power and strength to over come a life of pain and misery is there for any one who reaches out for it. Allowing the power of addiction to destroy us is the only change we can make, to either continue in it or find a way out and have faith in something greater than our self to help us! That power is God for me! And it was not easy and still is and can be challenging at times to choose daily to ask for his will and not my own and the power to carry that out! But the rewards of my choices to be a better me change what I can and focous on myself are priceless!

We all have the capabilities to live differently turn our lifes around and find peace even if our loved ones keep using! We have our journey and they have theirs. We have a power greater than our self and so do they! Surroundingnyour selfnwith healthy people, people in recovery al anon nar anon na aa is critical to this process of changing what you can. (Imo) you are only doing what you can with what you have (tools) to live how you have and are. Going to a place where you can get new tools to live a different life will change your life. You will find these tools as did I in a 12 step program. You will hear experience, strength and hope that will also give you comfort, wisdom, strength, guidance to find courage to change what you can and that's you.

Allow the god of your understanding to take control of your life, one step at a time one day at a time. It is a process and we did not get here in our pain over night and will not change over night. Be patient with your self as you allow God to work in you to heal you and guide you. Forgive yourself and those who have hurt you. Feel the pain of your choices and the choices of others that have hurt you and let them go.

Your daughter loves you, you are her mother and she will always love you. You can have the relationship you desire with her one day. Working on you and getting the tools to live differently will allow you to go in this direction.

I am praying for you and believe in you. Most importantly I believe in the power greater than myself God, to give us the courage to change the things we can the wisdom to know the difference and to accept what we can't change. Your a strong woman and with support and God you can change your life.

ADDICTEDTOANADD

He (and you) are following the "cycle of abuse" and it is never ending until you say enough, and it sounds to me like you are there.

Its weird, because I now about the "cycle of abuse", I studied it in college and worked w/abused women. I never understood addiction.....or why someone uses drugs....It was not until I experienced using and using heavily, that I understand. That "cycle of abuse" and "our secret" of using, kept us in our CRAZY MAKING relationship....its just hard to express, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT!!! Thank U !!!!!

ADDICTEDTOANADD

I am in a DV shelter. I just spoke to one of the advocates and did get a phone # for free counselling. I do not want to leave this beautiful state. I want to give it a try here. U are right, they will move me,but I need to press charges or get a RO.......I just do not see that.......just being honest. Thank u