shinebright7

Okay...

So my husband is coming home tomorrow as I shared in another thread...

But now I've discovered something I need to talk out before he gets here.

For a couple of weeks he's been telling me that a package is going to be delivered to me.

He told this to me fairly soon after he stopped his bender a few weeks ago. I was out of town so he asked me when I would be in town. I told him.

At the time I couldn't have cared less what it was. Some apology from him. Maybe flowers. Whatever. I wanted nothing to do with it. He was making a big deal of it like I really need to be here to sign for the package.

It turns out it wasn't able to be delivered when he thought it would be -- so now it's due to come tomorrow some time. And that I need to be here to sign for it or leave a note on the door for them to come back the next day.

At one point earlier I thought he was joking about the whole package thing and it was really him just talking about HIMSELF coming home on a plane. I asked him if that was true and he said no there really is a delivery.

So tonight I'm not showing any interest in particular in his talk about this delivery because I really still don't care what it is. He says something about it being a delivery from "pilot" which I have never heard of...and he says it's kind of big...

I just kind of move around the conversation on the phone and go to the next topic saying that I will leave a note on the door in case I am out.

As I'm doing the dishes I'm like what is he talking about!? Pilot delivery. He's coming in on a plane tomorrow and he's not a small guy so maybe he IS talking about himself being the package that is coming tomorrow, right?

So I get online and search "pilot delivery" - and it turns out that they are a real company that delivers things...and one of the things they deliver are TV's from Amazon.

OMG.

<Deep sigh>

So he's been wanting a big screen TV for a long time.

And when he went on his bender down there while visiting his mom, he got access to her money because he was power of attorney. He used it to buy his hotel room and food and taxis while he was down there.

He also used it to buy a bunch of technology -- a new laptop for himself, an iPad (for both of us he says) and APPARENTLY a new huge TV that could be showing up on my doorstep tomorrow.

So here's what I'm thinking about:

- If it IS a huge TV....I do not see myself wanting it in my house because it is going to remind me of his bender and his stupid choices that he made during that time.

However...

I am also thinking about how in reality, it is none of my business what my husband and his mom do with her money. It is between them.

I am seeing where I could so easily go straight back into my codependency stuff and start trying to tell him what he should or shouldn't do with his mom's money.

But that is not my business and just thinking about doing that makes me feel sick.

But I also do not feel good right now, imagining having a big TV in our living room that came out of this super painful ordeal.

He already knows I was not happy to hear that he spent $3k on tech stuff like the laptop ipad, and a new camera.

Now there might be a giant TV showing up tomorrow?

Is he LOOKING for an argument? I know he's really not and somewhere inside him he thinks this was the right and okay thing to do.

He told me that he got the things while he was down there to try to cheer himself up becuase he was so depressed and scared about his mom almost dying and all this stuff...which is of course the reason he used for why he took the klonopin and drank also...

So the addiction took him to the drugs and alcohol and it took him to the wild spending.

Thank God it wasn't OUR money....

We dont' have that kind of money ourselves and don't share bank accounts so at least what little money we do have is safe when its in my account...

But man...

This is irking me right now...

And I certainly am not looking for a fight tomorrow when he comes home.

I know right now I don't know FOR SURE that it's a TV...

But it does kind of fit now with what I understand about the delivery and his desire for one and his access to the money to buy one.

I know it is not my money and I can not tell him what to do with his money or his mom's money.

But something about it still doesn't feel right to me.

Maybe that he's trying to pass it off to me as if it's a gift for me instead of what it really is -- a selfish purchase for himself that he made while he was on a bender?

What do you see in this? I really want to get some clarity before this mystery package comes tomorrow -- whatever it may be.

======

Adding: Like it's occurring to me that I would be okay with it if I knew that his mom knew that he bought these things -- so she should tell me on the phone or write me a note that she is fine with him using her money to buy all this technology...

But I see that this is a very CODEPENDENT thing to do! It's like counting my pills to make sure that he didn't take any, or checking his pockets, or asking for a signed note each time he goes to an AA meeting. I DO NOT WANT TO ENGAGE IN THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR ANYMORE.

So assuming that I don't get that kind of acknowledgement from his mom --

I do keep coming back to the fact that it is not my business what he does with his mom's money. She knows he is the power of attorney and would have access to her money. So that is between them.

What I need to ask myself is what I think about all this and what does it mean for me?

And then I'm also thinking about how to explain it to my friends and family who come over and suddenly see that he's got a new laptop, a new iPad, a new camera, and maybe a GIANT new TV when he only has a very small part time job and I have been too sick to work regularly and my mom is helping to pay for my root canal!?

It's embarrassing. And now I feel gross about going to sleep. : (

Ann

You don't have to accept or sign for anything. You don't have to guess whether he stole from his mother (misusing her money for his own greed is against the law when he has power of attorney), you don't have to do anything you are uncomfortable doing.

It doesn't matter how he feels. He was on a bender...he owns that and everything he did while on it.

Do what you are comfortable doing, what you can live with, and let the rest go.

Just my suggestions and thoughts, because I know how quickly I can get drawn into someone else's "stuff".

Good luck.

Hugs

dollydo

A Power of Attorney is to be used ONLY if the grantor is unable to make decisions for themselves, it is not a license to steal. Being on a bender is not an excuse, he knew exactly what he was doing and still does. IMO it should tell you something about his values, or lack thereof.

You do not have to be party to his theft, it is your decision. I'd keep the meetings up, this is only the tip of the iceberg, more fun stuff heading your way.

LoveMeNow

I am not sure if the items would remind me more of his "bender" or his lack of morality, integrity and the sense of entitlement that goes along with addiction.

I refuse to have stolen items or ill gotten gains in my home. My son came home with an expensive pair of sunglasses and some ridiculous explanation of how he got them. He was warned never to bring them in this house again and he never did because he knew I would "donate" them to the nearest Salvation army or Goodwill.

If he is truly working on his recovery, hopefully he will do the right thing. Remember to watch his actions, and ignore his words.

bigbrosKeeper

I don't see how counting your own pills to make sure he didn't take any is codependent. When I realized my brother was in active addiction, I did the same thing, then hid my pills (I am on long term pain meds for a chronic disease) just to be on the safe side. If my AB took my pills, and I have a pill count (the doctor calls for them now and then), it could be my life that is affected.

shinebright7

Thanks all -- really appreciate your comments.

I also got to talk this through with some friends in the chat room here last night which was SUPER helpful and I have gotten clear that I am not going to have anything to do with the shipment and I am not going to answer the door when it comes.

And I am also going to talk with him about how these items are not okay with me in my home because they were not gifts from his mother and he did not earn the money for them on his own efforts and he is misusing and stealing from her and it is not okay with me.

More fun times ahead? Yeah I see that. Ugh. Time will tell if he's working his recovery program properly or not. I'm definitely going to keep going to my meetings and maintaining as solid a footing as I can in myself and my new found sense of boundaries that I am really trying my best to figure out and honor.

Thank you again. xo

KariSue

Shouldn't you or someone tell his mother that her son is stealing from her? She may not believe it but I think I'd at least have to give her a heads up.

Whew, you have a lot to deal with.

Hugs, Kari

laurie6781

I agree with the others, REFUSE to accept delivery of whatever 'it' is.

As to telling his mom???? Well, she is going to find out sooner or later, and not know-
ing what he has said to her about you .............................. if it were me, I wouldn't
waste the effort.

You don't have to explain any 'new' gadgets in your home, just do not allow him to
bring any of them into YOUR home. To me that would be like an 'aiding and abetting'
of theft.

Oh, and I have a question. Why would you allow him back in your home, when no
effort at all has been made to get recovery on his part? You are just 'inviting' more
of the same behavior you have been experiencing.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

blueholly

Wow shinebright, I'm sorry for your predicament. But, it makes me feel better to see that someone else experiences the crazy buying sprees. I realize that I may be missing the point that that he stole from his mother. Dude, where in the heck is there mind. We can't make our mortgage payment and he is buying the craziest junk. Literal JUNK. Junk metal, Junk desks (25 to be exact) from a school. And sits on auction sites all night long! At least you got something good like a big screen t.v. just a bad joke....

shinebright7

thank you. i'm not going to tell his mom and get involved with that. she and I do not really have a relationship together.

i felt good about his coming home yesterday since he had honored my no contact fora few days and had been going to aa daily for 5 days. I felt like it was going in the right direction and we might be able to move in our respective recovery directions together.

then the thing with the TV came up last night after we talked and I got all twisted up. talked it out on the chat room and felt better and clearer and then told him this morning that I will not accept his package, that he misused his mother's money and it's not okay with me and that I will not live with that level of dishonesty in my life. that he needs to think about that before he gets on the plane because I won't live with him unless he chooses to live a life of recovery and honest living.

i plan on talking to him about the tech stuff and asking him what he plans to do to make it right. we'll go from there about what he says which will indicate whether he is taking a path to recovery or not.

i have been in bed trying to stave off an anxiety attack for the last few hours. i really don't feel good and I don't know what to do except pray for clarity and guidance.

this really really sucks. i never imagined this would be my life. : (

shinebright7

I feel like I am doing everything wrong now. I am going to a meeting tonight at 7:30.

His plane lands in 15 min and I am not picking him up. Told him he had to get a taxi. I do not like feeling nervous to see my husband. He is not a monster. But I am starting to think i should see him in this category and it's making me physically sick.

I feel so stupid and sad. I will keep doing my best. I have to forgive myself.

AnvilheadII

i wonder...when you thought of just HIM coming home there was this vision of a nice clean sober right-minded hubby and how awesome it would be with both of you in RECOVERY.

then this delivery of unknown content comes up - and it throws you completely into a tail spin. you still have NO idea what it IS, but it's managed to deliver YOU back into the past and all his prior deeds of stupidity. with zero factual input, you have already created an ENTIRE backstory of what it is, how he got it, why he got it and even what others will THINK of it when they see it in your home!!!!

as if often the case...this really isn't about the "delivery" - it's just the portal to all those feelings you haven't sorted out yet.

JMFburns

shinebright7,

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. Your original post was very well written and spaced (which made for easy reading). But about 3/4 of the way through my mind got weary from all the worrying about your husband, what he did or didn't buy, whether he used his Mom's $, etc., etc., etc., It just seems like you are spending an awful lot of time focused on your husband, instead of focusing on yourself. IMO

Take a deep breath and focus on yourself. It is so GREAT that you are going to a meeting tonight, that should help to ground you.

Take care.

Hanna

Let us know how you are doing.

shinebright7

Yes anvil you are right. When I was focused on me, and being detached with love, the thought of him coming home and working our respective programs felt good. It sounded doable and encouraging.

You are right I do not know exactly what the delivery is and that thinking about it sent me into a nightmare. I see I have created all of it and ruined my serenity. Ugh.

I just want to be clear headed and calm and feeling secure in myself. That is a lot to ask, but it is what I want. When I am clear I believe we can talk it through and find solutions and I can honor myself and my boundaries. I will keep breathing and praying that I can get there.

shinebright7

Jmf - yes thank you. So much focus on him. Thats why I'm feeling so sick right now. Anxious. Jittery. I hate that. I need to forget about him and focus on me and my boundaries and what is good for me.

I admit I am pressuring myself with advice and thoughts from my elders here - who have been here before and know the ropes more - and I feel I am not living up to their suggestions. It is one of my oldest patterns to feel bad about disappointing someone superior to me in some way. Parent teacher other adult etc. makes me feel so small and helpless. I feel scared that I will even lose the support here because I am not being a good student. Old patterns run deep from grade school age.

<Sigh>

shinebright7

And now I just locked myself out of my own computer trying to set the password feature for logging onto my laptop.

I hit something wong and now i don't know the right password so i cant get in at all. Maybe the apple store can help tomorrow.

Thank god I have the sr app on my phone.

Rough day.

MrsDragon

This is just my thought, but I see a lot of speculation regarding the way he obtained money for these items. First, is his mother able to authorize his use of funds for whatever he might desire as a gesture of love or thanks? Is he legally on any of her joint accounts? And my last thought, depending on her estate: as a caregiver he may be entitled to travel expenses, lodging, food, a daily, weekly or monthy stipend that could include an actual salary or compensation for wages lost, or potential wages lost during his performance of duties to her. This is sometimes written, sometimes decided among siblings, and could even be court ordered if he was to pursue it. Financial planners may even recommend such distributions based on tax planning.

So I would ask myself why would my first assumption be that he is stealing her money, and using it in a manner that she would not approve of? Is he going to inherit the bulk of her estate anyway, and is there plenty to provide for her care? Have I been involved enough with all of this to judge these actions?

I would ask myself if I'm using this to somehow prove to myself, all those worries about his coming home might be justified by this? I would want to see if the underlying issue might really be fear of trusting my husband.

And then I would ask myself, if he was doing this while on a bender, and it was actually improper, then wouldn't he have to be his own conscious when his mind clears from his drug use, and he gets stronger in recovery?

I would also ask myself if I fee like my ethics and morals are really decided by his actions. If my husband with whom I share a home wants to bring in this tv, camera, iPad - why would I let their presence be a reflection on me? Why would I feel the need to ban them from my home? Why would I react in a negative way when I saw them? Is it an act of punishing something I don't agree with, or an effort to control his choices and make him have the same beliefs and standards, as I do?

Those are questions I would ask myself just to try to get at the root of my feelings.

And I would also look at the conerstation I had with him and ask if I put him in a F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt) towards me and our marriage. Will this be what he bases his decisions on, pleasing his wife? Or finding his own conscious?

Recovery takes time, and your husband’s ability to look at his own past actions may take time. He may not be at that stage even if he is in the wrong. My husband is not an addict, but my son abuses and we have had issues of ethics and morality with him. We have our own feelings, but in the end it is our son who must define his own standards and conduct.

My only suggestion would be over time, if his standards, ethics are found to be incompatible with yours, then look deeper at the relationship and decide if it works for you, or not. Ive been married to my husband a long time, and there are things he does that I do not agree with, but they are his choices and not mine. They are small in the scope of our overall relationship, and I chose to let those things be his busniness and not mine.

allforcnm

Just a reminder, you dont have to live up to anyones suggestions. I think the key to overcoming codependency is not being dependent on anyone but yourself, and gaining the confidence to use the tools you learn and apply them to your life as you see fit. You need to find your own voice. This situation sounds like it was a little topsy turvey, but overall you seem much calmer and in control of your feelings. Dont be too hard on yourself.

dollydo

The only expectations you need to live up to are yours. As an adult, it booves us to find our own way, on our own terms and timeframe.

If an adult wants to stay in a relationship with an active user, it is fine with me....as long as there are no minor children involved. We have every right to choose to live in turmoil, fear and anxiety, IMO we just don't have the right to expose minor children to the matrix. That is the line where responsible and irresponsible parenting is drawn.

Just my two cents, take care.