Husband lies and takes pills
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 9
Husband lies and takes pills
I was told to repost this under friends and family of substance abusers..
First off, the title was hard for me to say because my husband is a good man. This is just simply a fact..
Now for the hard stuff
We are both 27 years old with a 5 year old daughter. We have been married for 4.5 years. Last year (June) My husband was weirdly sick for days, he ended up telling me he was addicted to hydros and has been sick because he was withdrawing from them since he decided to stop taking them.
I found out he had been taking them for a year without me knowing. We did take them here and there on weekends together when our daughter would stay with grandparents. (we took them for fun, relax.. watch a movie.. that is all) As soon as he told me he took them daily, "us taking pills" stopped.. I personally have not taken one (I was taking maybe 2 a week) since then.
I found out he had been lieing about his checks, only putting in some money and keeping the rest to feed his addiction. I am a student and do not work. We have been penny pinching since I started school. This sucked to hear because I have always felt bad for not working while I am in school. Come to find out, we had more money then I knew about.
For 6 months I supported him, loved him, continued to trust him. I FORGAVE HIM. I felt horrible he felt the need for pills. It made me sad. I wanted to move on with him and get through it all. Then in December, I happen to be on our phone account and found a random number .. 100s of calls and text of all times the day. I printed out 3 pages of calls to this person, when I printed out the pages of calls to me from him, it was only 1 page. I started looking back for this number months and months ago. The number was there.. a lot.
When I questioned him he ended up telling me, after long conversations, he said it was a guy he met at the gym and the guy was going through recovery also except this guy messes up a lot. He then informed me he had lied to me about being clean. All those days of encouragement and me telling him how proud I was, he lied.. he had slipped up one time in November.
This time was different. This time I became MAD. HURT and MAD.. How was a being played stupid again?!!?!?!
Here it is MARCH, last month I found pills in his pocket.. he says they were a guys at work.. The past few weeks, things are weird again... last night we talked and he says he has been honest about money, pills, talking to that person, and so on. This morning, I found 300$ I did not know about in his wallet.. hidden.. I never snoop.. I don't think it is healthy for us but I did this morning and now.. now I am lost..
If I question him, I am in the wrong and he will get mad.. but, he lied.. again
help please
First off, the title was hard for me to say because my husband is a good man. This is just simply a fact..
Now for the hard stuff
We are both 27 years old with a 5 year old daughter. We have been married for 4.5 years. Last year (June) My husband was weirdly sick for days, he ended up telling me he was addicted to hydros and has been sick because he was withdrawing from them since he decided to stop taking them.
I found out he had been taking them for a year without me knowing. We did take them here and there on weekends together when our daughter would stay with grandparents. (we took them for fun, relax.. watch a movie.. that is all) As soon as he told me he took them daily, "us taking pills" stopped.. I personally have not taken one (I was taking maybe 2 a week) since then.
I found out he had been lieing about his checks, only putting in some money and keeping the rest to feed his addiction. I am a student and do not work. We have been penny pinching since I started school. This sucked to hear because I have always felt bad for not working while I am in school. Come to find out, we had more money then I knew about.
For 6 months I supported him, loved him, continued to trust him. I FORGAVE HIM. I felt horrible he felt the need for pills. It made me sad. I wanted to move on with him and get through it all. Then in December, I happen to be on our phone account and found a random number .. 100s of calls and text of all times the day. I printed out 3 pages of calls to this person, when I printed out the pages of calls to me from him, it was only 1 page. I started looking back for this number months and months ago. The number was there.. a lot.
When I questioned him he ended up telling me, after long conversations, he said it was a guy he met at the gym and the guy was going through recovery also except this guy messes up a lot. He then informed me he had lied to me about being clean. All those days of encouragement and me telling him how proud I was, he lied.. he had slipped up one time in November.
This time was different. This time I became MAD. HURT and MAD.. How was a being played stupid again?!!?!?!
Here it is MARCH, last month I found pills in his pocket.. he says they were a guys at work.. The past few weeks, things are weird again... last night we talked and he says he has been honest about money, pills, talking to that person, and so on. This morning, I found 300$ I did not know about in his wallet.. hidden.. I never snoop.. I don't think it is healthy for us but I did this morning and now.. now I am lost..
If I question him, I am in the wrong and he will get mad.. but, he lied.. again
help please
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know your pain. I'm sure some of the more experienced folks will be able to give you good advice. All I can advise is that you need to take care of yourself and your child. You're not stupid sweetie... This is not about you... your husband has an addiction and only he can help himself. All we can do is get ourselves help. Have you tried naranon or individual therapy?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to the forum.
The continuing use of the pills in spite of all the negative consequences does seem to indicate your husband is now addicted to opiates. And it is hard to tell, yes, when someone is on them.
If you go to "Search" in the blue bar above and type "To Callie and All Other Spouses of Addicts" you will find a long thread posted by an opiate addict whose username is "Bval." The information on the many pages of that thread will give you very useful information.
Whether it is opiates, alcohol, cocaine. . . . no matter what the substance, once the individual has crossed the line into addiction, a door shuts behind him, permanently. And we who are not addicts do not understand the obsession and compulsion which possesses the addict from that point on-- we only experience the painful outcomes of the individual's addiction in our most intimate lives.
In addition to reading that thread, I recommend you read chapters 2 and 3 of the AA Big Book at Big Book Online Fourth Edition, as the description in those chapters of the compulsion to drink even against one's will is the same compulsion which drives drug addicts. I find that reading about the alcoholic's inability to control his use of alcohol makes me more deeply aware of how powerless I am to control any addict's relationship with alcohol or drugs.
It is often said that addicts hear what we do. They do not hear what we say. We cannot talk at them. We cannot lecture, plead, threaten, coerce them into putting down the drugs and alcohol. What we are advised to do is to change our patterns of reacting to them. Change what we do.
If you go to Al-Anon, you will find at the meetings an excellent brochure which describes the endless and futile cycle of addiction and codependency, titled "Alcoholism: A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial." It applies to the family of the drug addict as well. It was written by an expert and every word of it is true, for I lived it, and anyone who has ever been married to an addict or alcoholic has lived it. The brochure tells us we have to stop the Merry-Go-Round by starting to do just the opposite of what we have been doing. Because the impulse to rescue or control or reassure or rationalize or minimize an addict's behaviors--which is always the loved one's first impulse--is a reaction which is ultimately destructive to both the loved one and the addict. It is unbelievable at first to loved ones that they must allow crises in the addict's life to happen, that a lot of sh** has to rain down first before there is a chance of a happy ending.....but it is true.
We are glad you are here and hope we can be of support. Your first priority will always have to be your child. It is imperative you find help now to deal with your husband's addiction. For if he is addicted, it is permanent. And you will need ongoing support.
The continuing use of the pills in spite of all the negative consequences does seem to indicate your husband is now addicted to opiates. And it is hard to tell, yes, when someone is on them.
If you go to "Search" in the blue bar above and type "To Callie and All Other Spouses of Addicts" you will find a long thread posted by an opiate addict whose username is "Bval." The information on the many pages of that thread will give you very useful information.
Whether it is opiates, alcohol, cocaine. . . . no matter what the substance, once the individual has crossed the line into addiction, a door shuts behind him, permanently. And we who are not addicts do not understand the obsession and compulsion which possesses the addict from that point on-- we only experience the painful outcomes of the individual's addiction in our most intimate lives.
In addition to reading that thread, I recommend you read chapters 2 and 3 of the AA Big Book at Big Book Online Fourth Edition, as the description in those chapters of the compulsion to drink even against one's will is the same compulsion which drives drug addicts. I find that reading about the alcoholic's inability to control his use of alcohol makes me more deeply aware of how powerless I am to control any addict's relationship with alcohol or drugs.
It is often said that addicts hear what we do. They do not hear what we say. We cannot talk at them. We cannot lecture, plead, threaten, coerce them into putting down the drugs and alcohol. What we are advised to do is to change our patterns of reacting to them. Change what we do.
If you go to Al-Anon, you will find at the meetings an excellent brochure which describes the endless and futile cycle of addiction and codependency, titled "Alcoholism: A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial." It applies to the family of the drug addict as well. It was written by an expert and every word of it is true, for I lived it, and anyone who has ever been married to an addict or alcoholic has lived it. The brochure tells us we have to stop the Merry-Go-Round by starting to do just the opposite of what we have been doing. Because the impulse to rescue or control or reassure or rationalize or minimize an addict's behaviors--which is always the loved one's first impulse--is a reaction which is ultimately destructive to both the loved one and the addict. It is unbelievable at first to loved ones that they must allow crises in the addict's life to happen, that a lot of sh** has to rain down first before there is a chance of a happy ending.....but it is true.
We are glad you are here and hope we can be of support. Your first priority will always have to be your child. It is imperative you find help now to deal with your husband's addiction. For if he is addicted, it is permanent. And you will need ongoing support.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My husband was also hooked on pain meds, his started through legit prescriptions. Never had another substance abuser in my life, but I can tell you what we went through and what we did, and some of the things I learned about.
My husband was also highly functional, a well-paying job (thank goodness he never lost it) and we now have a son, but at the time this started he wasn't with us yet. His behavior got bad, not abusive or even speaking mean really, but we fought about the lies, and he too kept a hidden amount of money and spent it, so we were never broke, but what a waste! And he got to the point of staying out very late with his "friends" from work who ended up being suppliers.
Knowing nothing about addiction, and thinking he would just quickly get bored and stop; I told him that if he wanted to live that way, then to go and do it and he could come home when he was done and we would talk. And oh, we are both very stubborn I should add so neither of us budged! And then about a year later, drug sick he came home and said he was done. Next month he will have ONE YEAR clean.
So he went to detox and rehab, and that was based on private therapy. I also began working with a therapist at that time. Helpful to work out the anger, any past issues, and also to learn about addiction, codependency, enabling, etc. If you are feeling even moderate stress/anxiety over his using, then I would suggest keeping a therapist in mind.
Mine also recommended many books. One was called: Get You Loved One Sober, alternatives to nagging, pleading, and threatening. by Robert Meyers, PhD.
It is not really about your ability to make him stop using drugs. He has to decide that himself for his own reasons...It takes commitment, and desire and that always come from inside.
But the book teaches techniques for better communication, positive reinforcement methods to help you navigate and also give incentive for change. you can google it and see reviews....
It also ties into an approach called Community Reinforcement and Family Training... CRAFT...Which is also the same and about using these techniques. There have actually been studies that prove if done properly, this method has a 70% success rate of getting a loved one to seek help. There are also some great articles to support this method from the National Institute of Health. You can google this also...
And last, there is a program of recovery called SMART (Self Management & Recovery Training) that teaches self management techniques for addiction. They promote the use of CRAFT by family members. They have a full website and a family section with a forum also.
I think in dealing with addiction, we each have special considerations, needs for ourself, our kids that have to be met, otherwise we do have to make changes in time. Usually called "boundaries". Everything I've mentioned above, the priority is still about you examining your needs, figuring out what's being met, what's not, creating boundaries, voicing your needs, using the positive reinforcement techniques, and also coming up with default solutions if the overall situation does not show improvement.
With highly functional users; it is hard to tell if they relapse. And relapse can also be short term and they can pick themselves back up and get back on track. But overall I would trust your instincts. Watch over time his general behavior, but I wouldn't suggest getting in the habit of trying to play detective as it has been found to become a problem for some people.
Also remember his using these drugs is not personal against you. The lies and sneaking are also not personal, they go right along with using. My husband told me he would feel angry, disappointed, ashamed of himself while using, and he knew it was wrong, but he says that is also when the pills would call out more - to numb those bad feelings.
And almost forgot:
My husband was also highly functional, a well-paying job (thank goodness he never lost it) and we now have a son, but at the time this started he wasn't with us yet. His behavior got bad, not abusive or even speaking mean really, but we fought about the lies, and he too kept a hidden amount of money and spent it, so we were never broke, but what a waste! And he got to the point of staying out very late with his "friends" from work who ended up being suppliers.
Knowing nothing about addiction, and thinking he would just quickly get bored and stop; I told him that if he wanted to live that way, then to go and do it and he could come home when he was done and we would talk. And oh, we are both very stubborn I should add so neither of us budged! And then about a year later, drug sick he came home and said he was done. Next month he will have ONE YEAR clean.
So he went to detox and rehab, and that was based on private therapy. I also began working with a therapist at that time. Helpful to work out the anger, any past issues, and also to learn about addiction, codependency, enabling, etc. If you are feeling even moderate stress/anxiety over his using, then I would suggest keeping a therapist in mind.
Mine also recommended many books. One was called: Get You Loved One Sober, alternatives to nagging, pleading, and threatening. by Robert Meyers, PhD.
It is not really about your ability to make him stop using drugs. He has to decide that himself for his own reasons...It takes commitment, and desire and that always come from inside.
But the book teaches techniques for better communication, positive reinforcement methods to help you navigate and also give incentive for change. you can google it and see reviews....
It also ties into an approach called Community Reinforcement and Family Training... CRAFT...Which is also the same and about using these techniques. There have actually been studies that prove if done properly, this method has a 70% success rate of getting a loved one to seek help. There are also some great articles to support this method from the National Institute of Health. You can google this also...
And last, there is a program of recovery called SMART (Self Management & Recovery Training) that teaches self management techniques for addiction. They promote the use of CRAFT by family members. They have a full website and a family section with a forum also.
I think in dealing with addiction, we each have special considerations, needs for ourself, our kids that have to be met, otherwise we do have to make changes in time. Usually called "boundaries". Everything I've mentioned above, the priority is still about you examining your needs, figuring out what's being met, what's not, creating boundaries, voicing your needs, using the positive reinforcement techniques, and also coming up with default solutions if the overall situation does not show improvement.
With highly functional users; it is hard to tell if they relapse. And relapse can also be short term and they can pick themselves back up and get back on track. But overall I would trust your instincts. Watch over time his general behavior, but I wouldn't suggest getting in the habit of trying to play detective as it has been found to become a problem for some people.
Also remember his using these drugs is not personal against you. The lies and sneaking are also not personal, they go right along with using. My husband told me he would feel angry, disappointed, ashamed of himself while using, and he knew it was wrong, but he says that is also when the pills would call out more - to numb those bad feelings.
And almost forgot:
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
((hugs)) So sorry you're in this situation. I can really relate to what you shared with the hiding and the lying. So frustrating and hurtful and enraging!
My husband also goes for Rx pills when he uses and sometimes mixes with alcohol. Yikes. There have been other harder drugs in his past before we were together too. It is absolutely maddening to be lied to. Ugh. Especially when you have a sense of trust built between you. But when it comes to someone with an addiction and their pills, trust is not anything they're thinking about.
I agree with the other replies above that some kind of support for you would be really helpful. I ran to Al Anon right away and it has soooo saved my butt and my sanity.
It is also REALLY good that you came to this forum and posted for support. There are so many amazing people here who have been through what we have been through.
Hang in there, LostWife. It really sucks and hurts right now, and it might for awhile, but it gets better as we start finding ways to help ourselves.
In Al Anon they talk about how we can't cure it, we can't control it, and we can't cause it. Your husband is going to keep doing what he does until HE decides that he doesn't want to do it anymore.
In the meantime, you need to find ways to support you and take care of yourself and your daughter to ensure your own safety and well-being. I believe you when you say your husband is a good man. 100%. My dear husband is wonderful too.
But they are also sick with addiction. And it is a sickness. Which gets worse over time if it is not treated. I agree with English Garden's suggestion to read Chapter 2 & 3 in the AA Big Book. You can find it online for free. And also Chapter 8 - For Wives. I found that extremely helpful on the night I went to my first meeting and felt like my life was falling apart.
Big hugs and keep coming back to the forum here to get support. You're not alone. xo
My husband also goes for Rx pills when he uses and sometimes mixes with alcohol. Yikes. There have been other harder drugs in his past before we were together too. It is absolutely maddening to be lied to. Ugh. Especially when you have a sense of trust built between you. But when it comes to someone with an addiction and their pills, trust is not anything they're thinking about.
I agree with the other replies above that some kind of support for you would be really helpful. I ran to Al Anon right away and it has soooo saved my butt and my sanity.
It is also REALLY good that you came to this forum and posted for support. There are so many amazing people here who have been through what we have been through.
Hang in there, LostWife. It really sucks and hurts right now, and it might for awhile, but it gets better as we start finding ways to help ourselves.
In Al Anon they talk about how we can't cure it, we can't control it, and we can't cause it. Your husband is going to keep doing what he does until HE decides that he doesn't want to do it anymore.
In the meantime, you need to find ways to support you and take care of yourself and your daughter to ensure your own safety and well-being. I believe you when you say your husband is a good man. 100%. My dear husband is wonderful too.
But they are also sick with addiction. And it is a sickness. Which gets worse over time if it is not treated. I agree with English Garden's suggestion to read Chapter 2 & 3 in the AA Big Book. You can find it online for free. And also Chapter 8 - For Wives. I found that extremely helpful on the night I went to my first meeting and felt like my life was falling apart.
Big hugs and keep coming back to the forum here to get support. You're not alone. xo
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