lizerdmama

Some background- been dating my bf for about 6 months now, been friends for years before. Before we started dating, he struggled with an opiate addiction for about two years. Basically smoking OCs, at super high dosages, every day. When we started dating he had been mostly clean (w a few relapses) for about 3 months. He now lives with me and the last few weeks I've been feeling like he's using again. The last week especially- last Wed saw that his eyes were SUPER pinned out, then his lids were super droopy, etc. I asked him if he was on drugs again and he swore he wasn't. Fast forward to last night- kept needing to make short trips out of the house. Came back with his eye pinned out again. Stayed up all night cleaning the house, which is also what he did that other night. Came into the room to wake me up to tell me something, then nodded out right in front of me. Completely denied it, even though I saw it and asked him about it. Has been acting suspiciously about the rent money he was supposed to have this past week. Also, he was supposed to drop off the rent check on Monday and they never got it. Now that I'm writing all this down I realize how clear it seems that he's using again. Oh yeah, did I mention I found a bit of tinfoil and cut up straws in his closet while doing the laundry? Only problem is I don't know how old they may be.
So yeah, I asked him last night and again this morning if he was using, he says no. I went and bought one of those 12 drug detection at home tests, because it tests for opiates and oxys, and don't know how I should go about asking him to do this tonight. Just explain I'm worried about him? I guess if he refuses that should be a clear sign he's using and doesn't want me to know?
And if it is positive then what? I've made it super clear since Day 1 of us dating that opiate use was a deal breaker (my ex was a heroin addict and i knew I didn't want to go down that road again) But I don't feel like I can leave him if this is the case? Also, he lives with me and wouldn't have anywhere else to go stay if I asked him to leave. Literally. He burned all his bridges with his old friends during his first opiate stint, and I live in an area where he doesn't know many people.
Sorry to rant, just really looking for some help/advice. Thank you.

AnvilheadII

hello and welcome. i think you already have your answer:

I've made it super clear since Day 1 of us dating that opiate use was a deal breaker

it's only been six months. and you are already buying drug tests. that he has burned other bridges is HIS problem.

weird behavior, pin point pupils, up all night cleaning, nodding off, missing rent check, tin foil, straws....would a burning bush help? seriously, you know what you know, now is the time to uphold your boundaries.

suki44883

I agree with Anvil. You already know he is using. The proof is all around you. This is life with an addict. You'll always be wondering if he is using, has used, will use, yada, yada. I think you already know this.

dollydo

Mostly clean with several lapses is not recovery, he is an active user. As far as where he can stay, Salvation Army or a homeless shelter both are options. There is a reason that he has burned all his bridges, that would be a big red flag to me.

This is not his first rodeo, he knows that you are on to him, he will lie, he will deflect, and
a long term user knows every trick in the book to beat a **** test.

There is a reason that you keep hooking up with drug addicts, now might be the time to let him go and start working on you. A boundry that is not enforced is an idle threat and will only give him all the power and fuel his usage.

Have you read Codependent No More or Women Who Love Too Much? If not, I would suggest that you take some time to read both of this books, and, read all the stickeys and cynical one's blogs.

Welcome and keep posting...it will help.

EnglishGarden

He knows people. He knows whoever it is who is keeping him supplied with drugs. And they know people. And they know people. There is an underground railroad for druggies looking for a place to use and sleep. So don't worry, he will not be on a piece of newspaper on the sidewalk.

He is lying to you about his past. About how long he'd been an addict, what he used, how much and how often. Addicts do not tell the truth about their drug history.

And he is betraying you. He is living a secret life. He has secret connections. He has a secret stash.

He is an active junkie and your relationship will not survive that.

I know you don't want to let him go--we usually project onto addicts qualities they don't really have and feelings they don't really feel--but at least for now he should be living somewhere else and you would do best to stop sleeping with him. You are at high risk for dangerous disease.

If Nar-Anon or CoDA or Al-Anon is anywhere near, it would be a good idea to start going to meetings. If you are isolated with an addict in your life, he will brainwash you and control you. We lose our minds and our dignity.

I hope you believe all of us here. You are in a very bad situation. You will likely try to talk to him, reason with him, change him. It will not work. Ask any addiction expert. Your words will not work.

Please take care of yourself and separate yourself from this world. You have a history. You know where this road leads. You are worth more than the train wreck that is going to be your life with an active drug addict.

LoveMeNow

You don't need a drug test. Trust your instincts. Return it, get your money back and spend it on you.

Two things I learned that always proved to be true.

My therapist told me if you feel the need to drug test your husband, you already know the answer. She was right.

And Anvil taught me - using looks likes using. I remember the first time I KNEW my husband was using again. I sat back and calmly told him that. The look on his face - said it all. BTW, thank you Anvil. He knew where I learned that one and was speechless. lol

lizerdmama

thank you guys...
Dollydo- i actually just started reading that sticky post about codependency... it's eerily similar to the talks with my therapist about this tendency to date people i feel need to be "Rescued" sheesh.

It's hard to hear, but I know you guys are right. I guess I'm also a little afraid about how to actually go about this- the other night I told him I didn't trust him, wasn't sure I could date him, and wanted him to move out. His response was to get super wasted, literally kick in my bedroom door, yell at my friends who were here to leave. Then that night silly me started feeling super bad, so by the next day we were already saying sorry and trying to make it work again... I knew by last night tho that nothing is going to change like that.
Should I stay with him, continue to let him live here if he starts getting help? Problem is neither of us has any kind of money for any kind of rehab/therapy program. I know there's Al-Anon meetings in my town, a few friends go to them. Planning on going to the one on Monday for myself at least. So yeah, I'm just debating if he does go to therapy and drug counseling should I stay with him and try to help him, or leave him up to it on his own?

Thanks again guys, this is really helping here.

AnvilheadII

he was using when he came in the door. three short months ago. you just don't have the time invested to even consider "but what if" - just the other night he was f'd up, out of control and VIOLENT. you don't OWE this guy anything....

dollydo

If he kicked your door in, he has other emotional issues, next time he may turn his anger onto you. You haven't been with him long enough to really know him, all you know is the addict, and IMO abuse is always a deal breaker.

The Salvation Army has a free inpatient program, this is his problem to resolve, letting him stay with you will not make a bit of difference. His words mean nothing, it is all about his actions.

He will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean/sober and working a
strong recovery program or not, that's it. Left untreated, it will get worse.

If he decides to get into recovery and stays clean for at least a year, perhaps you can consider getting back together with him, until that occurs, I would let him go and dedicate your time to getting yourself healthy, so that you can learn to make better relationship decisions.

I am glad that you are going to attend meetings.

jerect

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck then it's a duck..

You told him opiates were a deal breaker.. So why is he still there???? Don't make excuses for him like he has no where to go.. I made that excuse for 5 years.. Addicts are resourceful.. They will always have a place to go because they can always find some poor codependent soul to enable them.. ( I was one of those Codie souls )

I agree with the others.. Time to focus on you and why you seem to fall into relationships with substance abusers.. ( I have this problem too apparently) being alone and not in a relationship has been good for me.. It's giving me time to get healthy and work on my "picker"

I encourage you to read the stickies especially "what do addicts do" please stick around and read and post here.. There is a wealth of recovery on these boards

meadowsis

Best of luck Lizardmama. Will let the experts give advice, but I did want to send some positive vibes your way.