pianogirl1193

I think what Anvil said was really important, that you are per-planning for an event that might never happen. We can hope for our addicts to get clean, but I wouldn't expect it. I'm sorry you are feeling attacked or like people aren't understanding. I hope you don't stop posting here because it is such a helpful site. And, I understand that it is hard to just let go and be thankful that he is out of your life... Because you love him am your heart misses and wants him. I recently broke up with my addict bf and it sucks so bad... I am not happy about it an I miss him. But I can admit to myself that life with an active addict is miserable and not one I want to live.

I would just say to focus on you right now. That is a big theme here... Stop worrying about the addict, start worrying about yourself. I know you would like to help him *if* he decides to get clean but maybe you should worry about that when the time comes.

bluebelle

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I'm sorry that you've lost your loved ones to addiction. It must be very scary and upsetting to know that your bf has relapsed. My suggestion would be to get some help for yourself. Work the program you would want your bf to work. Cynical One has posted wonderful information about how to help an addict. Have you read Codependent No More? That book has really helped me learn about myself and learn how to deal with addiction in loved ones/family.

graciousone

thank you bluebelle for understanding, yes it's scary and upsetting. I'm scared. I left him and I'm leaving him alone. But yes, of course I'm scared. My sister and her daughters and her husband are all addicts. I hardly talk to any of them. I was asked, when I said I regretted my decision to walk away from my sister, how I expected it would have changed the outcome. I don't know, I didn't stick around when they're daughter my neice died last year at 32. I didn't stick around. I don't know if anything would have changed

everyone talks on here about how they feel for sticking around and being codependent. I haven't been codependent, I've left everyone who was ever an addict.. until i do to their funerals, it just doesn't seem right anymore. at least i can say i tried i stuck by them, I did everything to help. walking away and going to their funerals and feeling guilty that I walked away doesn't seem right anymore.

suki44883

*Raises hand, wiggling fingers frantically!!!*

No one, not my mother, not my daughters, not anyone I cared anything about had anything at all to do with me deciding I was sick and tired of living the way I was living. I had a good job. I lived in a nice home. I drove a nice car. I was what many people call a functional alcoholic.

It wasn't until I woke up in the early hours of one morning, sitting at my computer, realizing that I had to be at work in about four hours, that I decided...yanno, this is a bunch of shite! I'm sick of this. I'm sick of getting up every morning for work, feeling like I'm only half alive, going through the day just waiting to get home so I can have some beers. I'm totally freaking sick of this!!

That was it for me. It wasn't some horrible "bottom" that you hear about. Nothing horrible happened to make me decide that I was done. It was just the realization that I was tired. I was tired of it all. I didn't want to live another day like that.

Well, since I was sitting at the computer anyway, I googled detox centers in my area and found one. I called them and they had a bed available and told me to come on in. So, I called a good friend of mine (a recovering alcoholic) and he drove across town to pick me up and drove me to the detox center. I stayed there six days and didn't want to leave. The rest is history. In June, I will be sober for 5 years.

So, see? When he's had enough, he'll do what he knows to do. I did and I'm not anyone special. I love my daughters and my mom, but they couldn't make me ready. I was ready when I was ready. The same will be true for your friend.

Dee74

I'm glad people (partners friends, family) walked away from me because I might not be here had people kept propping me up, bailling me out and cleaning up my mess.

I was forced to drag myself up and get well because there was no way to go anymore with being high and drunk. It was life threatening.

I did it all myself - with the help of SR.

It was good for them too - dealing with this soul sucking disease I had was draining them dry too.

all this was 6 years ago now - I do have a partner now, tho...we met after I got sober.

D

graciousone

I understand that, I never said they made your decision.

But again you're not the addict i asked for I asked for one who had nobody and everybody left them alone and your happy being alone and sober but it's best for you. but I like your response. at least you're being gentle.

graciousone

Just like i met him he was sober and clean. for over a year. what is a good time to wait.

graciousone

and by the way he's not draining me dry. never did.

smacked

This doesn't even make sense. No one is telling you to abandon him. The people sharing their experiences are sharing how they have recovered on their own, when left to do it themselves. No one is telling you it would be best if he was recovered and alone for the rest of his life..I have no idea why this is the only type of addict you want to hear from? He may very well use for the rest of his life, til his last breath. He may recover over the next year, get married, have kids, never use again and live happily. He may do a lot of things, there's no straight line here, very few addicts recover, that is fact. Please keep posting and reading, maybe drop the anger.. you're taking it out on people who can be the most helpful to you.

When I had no one to turn to, I became responsible for myself. I had nothing left to grasp on to keep me wallowing in my addiction, so I had to make a change. And then, I was willing and able to have loving relationships again with friends and with my husband. I'm not sure how much longer I would have waited to recover if I still had "helpers" in my life.

I asked this on your newcomers thread.. what do you want to hear.. because there, here, you're awfully upset by what everyone is saying. Are you hoping to hear the success stories, you just heard some. Are you wanting to argue that not supporting someone's recovery journey is harmful? We have about 89752 threads about that. There's a breadth of experience here. Professional codependents, not fully recovered. Recovered codependents who learned how to lovingly let go and allow the addicts in their lives the dignity to find their own way. Addicts struggling with sobriety. Addicts with no interest in it. Recovered addicts and alcoholics with many many destroyed relationshps in their past, many with successful relationships currently. You couldn't have come to a BETTER place to get the real deal, this is the stuff "we" collectively know. Please read the stickies, take a walk, come back..

suki44883

Well, excuse me, but an addict is an addict. I had nobody, even if I had a mother and two daughters. I had no one who could help me. You CANNOT help him. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but it is the TRUTH. As hard as it is to hear, you are irrelevant when it comes to him making the decision to get help. My mother was irrelevant. My daughters were irrelevant. As much as I loved them, they were Irrelevant. You are irrelevant. This is NOT about YOU.

anond

Reality: an addict abandons YOU each and every time he/she uses.

Abandonment isn't a one way street.

I am not angry about this reality. Addicts do what addicts do. Reality is reality. It just is.

So, what can you, the person who loves an addict do? Take control of the only person you can. Yourself. Focus on you. Get healthy. Be a good example.

suki44883

Stop waiting! Stop living your life dependent on what he does or does not do.

When I came out of detox and after I did six weeks of IOP, the last thing I wanted was be around anyone I had been with when I was drinking. I wanted a fresh start with new people who didn't know me "when." Of course, I still had my daughters and my mom in my life, but as far as close friends or people I had dated in the past, no...I did not want to see them or even be around them.

You have ONE life. This is it. Live your life for YOU. Don't wait around for some guy who may or may not ever be a good relationship partner. He has a long row to hoe, and that's the case IF he ever decides to get help for his addiction. He may not do that, so don't sit around waiting for him. Live your one life.

jerect

The best thing to do for an addict is to leave them alone and let them fall to their bottom.. It's not hurting them when we write them off its helping them because its saying I'm no longer accepting this behavior from you..

Addicts leave us alone and write us off everytime they pick up their DOC.. Do you really think they care when we walk away??? Maybe at first because they lost an enabler but soon enough they find someone else to fit that bill.. When I filed for divorce from my ex his only concern was loosing custody of his dog, not that his wife was filing for a D and kicking him out.. We've been divorced 3 months now and I hear that he is someone else's problem.. Good luck to her..

julez

I agree with Smacked. I might have even fist pumped while reading her post

graciousone

Let me say this, I am not codepedent, I have left every addict in my life. sisters, brothers, uncles, cousins, father, nieces, nephews. this is the first time a relationship. I LEFT him. I"M not with him. And is doesn't seem to matter what I say. I'm wrong for even caring about him. he's not worth my time thats what you all are saying. and don't try to say you're not. I came here because I was told this was a good place to come for understanding. I read the threads where addicts are. they get more understanding for coming and they're an addict. who's to say they are not lying after all according to all of you that's all they do is lie.

I fell in love with a clean, sober recovering addict. I'm scared that he relapsed. I never said i enabled him you all assumed that I LEFT him the moment i figured it out. I never gave him money, he never asked for it. He didn't live with me, I didn't give him room and board.

all your concerned with except for a few exceptional people who seemed to give me understanding bluebelle, smacked.

this isn't for me, i'm checking out for good. you should all be happy now. jeeeezzz.

suki44883

Sorry we didn't say what you wanted to hear, but we were honest. I wish you well and hope you will at some point, decide to live your life for YOU. Good luck.

julez

I agree with Suki. You aren't the first, and won't be the last person who isn't happy with peoples honesty. We are far enough away from the situation to give an honest, unemotional view of how we see things.
Come on back, realize we are trying to help, and stay strong.

graciousone

for gods sake what's wrong with you people


I LEFT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

SORRY IF YOU DIDN'T GET THAT.

sorry if i'm scared. I LEFT HIM. I'm not living for him.

i'm scared for him, i love him that's my only crime.

hello-kitty

Hoping not to get bashed but me - I got clean and sober on my own - with the support of other recovering addicts. My family, my loved ones - they had nothing to do with it. They didn't even know. I didn't want their help. How could they have helped? All they could have done was interfered with the process of me learning how to work through my issues on my own. They supported me by staying out of my business and allowing me to do it on my own. I'm happy. I'm complete. Way more complete than I was before I got clean and sober.

And I'm single now. And perfectly happy with that. And I don't know what the future holds for me as far as relationships go. And I'm perfectly happy not knowing.

Sorry if that's hard for you to swallow as a non addict. But that's how it works. The addict works their own recovery. The non-addict works their own recovery. We can't work someone elses recovery for them. Recovery is an internal process - when you want it bad enough you just go and get it. You don't need help.

suki44883

It's not a crime to love him or be scared for him. But you're the one who asked how long you should wait. Don't wait.

Calm down. We are not the enemy.