blueholly

You know Larrylive was just asking me why I was staying. You know its always the mind game thing. Last time I told him I was leaving he was like "it's just like you to run out when things get tough" "Then you can walk away from this smelling like a rose" Well it's not that, I just can't live like this anymore and I know now that my kids deserve better. But those words always ring in my mind. As I sit here trying to fill out the divorce papers. Why can't I just overcome all that he says and lies. He won't even admit there is a problem. He just says I don't need rehab. I just do a little to get by. or I quit last week. I know that I am going to leave. I can't ride this crazy train any longer... but those words...Damn it! He makes ME CRAZY! I think that if i had a place to go I would leave right now. Sometimes I want to go serve those papers to him in person. But I know that would not be a smart move.

Whatsit

You're right, it is a mind game. A typical addict's mind game. Crazy-making is what someone does whose entire focus is on himself and what he wants.

There may be things from your past that get in the way of your ability to overcome the lies emotionally, but keep at it. I promise you, you can do it, you can overcome it, one day at a time, with the help of someone who has walked in your footsteps.

You can do it.

peacedove

To see this post is helpful. My ex bf told me numerous times and this last time I was a "leaver" and this "causes him pause for concern." Oh my goodness. The ultimate statements from someone who has true issues, true addictions, true chaos in his life that rolled over in to mine and would cause stress, then an argument and I would leave to disengage, to avoid the conflict and to gather my wits about me. I could not process what was happening and he was so detached and uncaring when it was actually happening, too. It was like double hurt. The situation at hand hurt then it hurt again to be told I was a leaver. Well, no. I am not a leaver. But I should have been and I would not be where I am today. I am thankful it was not a marriage but feel for all those in a marriage or any other relationship struggling with these mind games. 10 months ago I was so strong, so independent, so "with it" as people say. 10 months is all it took to break it down little by little though. My mistake was always reasoning with him as he had the most intelligent responses to how we could "fix" things by negotiating or communicating better with each other to avoid future problems. Ummmm, no. He is an addict, he is an alcoholic. There is no reasoning and whatever you agreed upon will be twisted or not followed until the next scenario. It would always be better for a little while but the little while never lasted. Ever. I am here now because it did not last. The difference is I am now here. It has only been 8 days but at least it has been 8. There will always be a "last time" in my opinion. Meaning, a last time where you just know you can not do it anymore. A point where you either look at yourself or your life or both and wonder 'WHAT is happening here or to me?" A pivotal moment. God give me strength to stay in the state I am in no matter what and only move forward from here. This is all I want.

bamboo38

It's hard not to let this get to you, but with each go-round, each cycle, I think you eventually learn not to let it hurt you as much. I learned after three years that the mood swings and the using and the lies and gaslighting would all be put on my shoulders, the moody, suspicious, mistrusting one, until the truth finally came out -- as it always does. And then, when I couldn't take it any more, he'd say I didn't love him enough, wasn't worthy, never really loved him... yada yada. In the past, that led to discussions and arguments and hours of debating why my love wasn't pure and true like HIS was.

Eventually, it gets to a point where when he says, "You don't love me enough," you have to say, "OK, you're right. Best wishes."

outtolunch

M-a-n-i-p-u-l-a-t-i-o-n

shinebright7

These words that are coming out of his mouth are symptoms of the addiction.

It's like he's got a stomach virus and he's vomiting all over the place.

It's gross. It's messy. It stinks. It's hard to clean up. It's awful.

And IT KEEPS HAPPENING because he's sick with the stomach flu.

But in this case, it's addiction. And instead of puking, it's manipulation.

The thing about puke that's helpful to remember when it comes to the manipulation is that PUKE IS NOT PERSONAL.

Someone with the stomach flu is not intentionally puking to **** us off.

They just can't help it.

The manipulation that pours out of an addict can feel very personal, but it's within our control not to take it like that.

We don't take the puke personally...and we don't have to take the manipulation personally.

People with stomach flus puke. People with addictions manipulate.

It is not personal to us.

It's just what they do.

They can't help it.

For me, seeing this and not taking things personally and being able to separate the disease from the person has made it easier for me to have my husband out of the house right now.

I even have a security stick against the doorknob of my front door so that "the beast" in my husband can't open the door if "IT" decides to try to break in here again with a lock smith or an extra key.

I am keeping the beast out -- not my husband, ya know?

Until I got this (just recently!) I was feeling crazy with all the manipulation and stuff too.

But now that I get it, I am not surprised when the manipulation comes toward me from the beast which is alive in my husband...just as I am not surprised when someone with the stomach flu pukes. It just goes along with the territory.

If I don't take it personally, then I can just sanely deal with things and take care of myself (and others) better.

terryr97

Wish I'd heard this anytime in the last three years. You're very right. Thanks for the insight.