He comes home from rehab tomorrow, i need advise please !!!

Old 03-06-2013, 03:06 PM
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He comes home from rehab tomorrow, i need advise please !!!

So after years of buildup, his methadone addiction finally pushed me to my breaking point. Although I never tolerated it from the beginning, the pitiful attempts at fixing our marriage and getting "help" were going nowhere fast... When I found out around New Years that he had me believing he was clean for 6 months, which was an outright lie, I kicked him out and told him he couldn't come home until he found real rehabilitation, and he had to do it on his own. I wasn't doing it for him. And would you believe he found a program that our insurance covered that did a week long detox, followed by an intensive outpatient program where he attends groups for several hours every day but can go back to work. Too good to be true...? ... we find out soon, because he comes home from detox tomorrow, and now I'm freaking out. I've spent the last several years mad about him keeping his addiction a secret when he married me, and now I don't know how to act. How can I trust but not be a fool? How can I support but not let him forget about supporting me? How do I watch without prying ? I have waited so long to have the man I fell in love with back, and now I'm afraid I'll do something wrong. Can anyone with experience in this phase give me any important advise?
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Old 03-06-2013, 03:18 PM
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I'm totally feeling you. (((hugs)))

My husband kept his addiction a secret from me before we were married too. I felt SO betrayed when it all started to unfold. How could I be such an idiot!?

It's not my fault though. I can't control it. I can't cure it. And for sure I didn't cause it because it turns out it's something he's been dealing with since he was a teenager.

During this time that he's been away and doing his treatment, have you been in any support groups yourself like Al Anon?

My suggestion would be to look up an Al Anon group immediately and get yourself to one of the meetings so that you can either go tonight. I see you're in Central time zone (me too) so meetings could start between 6-7:30 based on how they go in my area.

I don't have experience with what it's like after they come back from rehab, but I do know that Al Anon, turning things over to my Higher Power, and using this forum regularly is the only thing that is keeping me from going insane as I navigate my way through my husband's addiction.

Yesterday I laid a boundary down about my not being willing to live with an active addict who is not in recovery. It was a huge day for me.

Today I am nervous. I feel queasy and sick to my stomach. I am scared. I don't feel as confident as I did yesterday. I don't like feeling scared of my husband coming home.

But I have to meet myself where I am at and try to get support from that point moving forward.

So I am going to an Al Anon meeting tonight to talk through more of this.

I will likely start a thread here about it to so that I can talk it out and get some perspective and feedback from the group here. They are so wise and helpful!

We have to strengthen ourselves and put the focus on us instead of our addict partners. It is not easy, but it is worth the effort. I'm glad you came to the board to share and get some help. You're not alone. ((hugs))
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Old 03-06-2013, 03:37 PM
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Very well said, Shinebright7... I wish you the very best of luck. The hardest part for me was putting my foot down, but when I really did, and he spent as month at his parents house and also had to come clean to them for the first time about his addiction and everything he has put his family through, THAT'S when he really started making things happen and not just talking about it and making empty promises. If your husband truly loves you and his addiction has ahold of him you need to make him be without you. Make him understand that he must choose to fight for the marriage with you, or fight hid addiction by himself because you don't want to watch him kill himself and leave you a widow.

I do intend to find a support group for myself, but we do have 2 children so a last-minute meeting tonight is not an option. I have missed him so much these past few days, its strange because I was fine when he was at his parents for a month, but this week in detox I've been very anxious.... Thank you for your response, I hope your heart and the Lord lead you in the right direction and your husband chooses to do what's right. You sound like your worth fighting for. I've always told mine that this is something we can do together and look back and say we survived, but he has to include me.
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Old 03-06-2013, 06:21 PM
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Maybe it might be better if he went to a Sober Living House for a few more months where he will not only be with others in recovery but have a very great opportunity to start learning how to use those 'tools' that the rehab gave him.

You do not have to let him back into the house at this time. You can wait and see if his ACTIONS show he is working a program of recovery.

And that will also give you some time to work on you.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-06-2013, 09:30 PM
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I went through this with my husband about 8 months ago when he came home from rehab. I felt anxiety also as he had been there for three months.

While my husband was in rehab, they provided me with a therapist to work with. Sounds like you have insurance, so I would keep this in mind. For me it was great to have someone to help me sort out all those past feelings of hurt, anger. And also to learn how to forgive, focus on the future. We can end up with a lot of trauma depending on what happened during that time of addiction.

Since your husband has been working an outpatient program - then I'm wondering if they might have some type of counseling or therapy for family? Sometimes it's even included as part of the outpatient program.

Don't panic about his coming home. just try to take things one step at a time. When he was active using how could you tell? Behavior probably. So I suggest you watch his behavior. Not every little thing he does, but over time. A few days, a week, etc. I've found behavior and a persons attitude are good indicators of how things are going.

Also, for me... Communication with my husband was very important. We talked about it being awkward, about it being like when we first got married and were living together. We just took things slowly, and in time as he grew stronger in his recovery, got back into to work, and I stayed with my schedule- we found routines just like before.

Also, my husband and I did marriage counseling. We started that when he was early in recovery, about 6 weeks. So depending on your issues, that might also be something to consider at some point.

I think your nerves are normal, but he will have them also. And remember that whatever comes up, to lead a normal, healthy life again he has to learn to cope with his environment and the people in it. He has support now with outpatient, so if he gets stressed or whatever they will be able to help him work through it, until he is strong enough to tackle it all on his own.

Good luck to both of you
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Old 03-06-2013, 09:43 PM
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ALLFORCNM - Thank you for that post above. It's hitting me in all the right spots. After my Al Anon meeting tonight I realized that I was trying to do my recovery PERFECTLY. Ummm....helllo. Not possible.

So I came home feeling more relaxed and gentle with myself. Phew.

My husband is likely coming home this weekend after being gone for a little over 3 weeks and has just started going to AA meetings two days ago. He sounds changed already, but I know that time will tell based on his actions and behavior. I'm not getting super excited yet. Just paying attention and being alert and mindful of myself.

I see that i can go to bed with a softer heart, quieter mind, and more relaxed belly now. Thank you. xo
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Old 03-06-2013, 09:46 PM
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awww.. thank you... glad I could help. Sleep Good.
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Old 03-06-2013, 09:56 PM
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I cannot add much to the above, but please realize that detox is not rehab. Detox will happen to anyone who stops using - imagine people that get arrested and are forced to stop using - they will detox.

Your guy had a medically assisted detox, which is good and infinitely more comfortable, but it still isn't rehab. Rehab is typically a minimum of 30 days inpatient and this is where you can learn how to stay sober if you are committed to it. Detox typically teaches you nothing about this, they just treat the withdrawals and make sure you don't die.

Keep us posted, we are here for you.
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Old 03-10-2013, 05:02 PM
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I understand that most people go from detox to an impatient program but this being his first time in treatment and being our family's primary breadwinner, it was in agreement between myself, my husband and his doctors at the facility that his treatment plan consisted of a week of inpatient detox, followed by a 10 week intensive outpatient program that consists of a 3-hour group meeting every weekday (before he goes into work) and mandatory NA meetings on the weekends, (obviously encouraged any other day they can be squeezed in.) We also do get a few marriage counseling sessions as part of the program and our first session is Tuesday.

I must say, however, I am so far blown away at the progress my husband has been making in these groups. Turns out he was just as nervous on his first day coming home, and we ended up laying in our bed all afternoon and into the night talking more over a 12 hour spam than we had in years and it hasn't stopped. He says this weight that has been lifted is better than he ever imagined. I've never known him to brr this open and talkative. I don't want to sound foolish, or as if my head is in the clouds, because I very much understand the reality of how long we have to go, but I know this person better than anyone else in the world and I have to tell you, I am pleasantly shocked at what these people are doing for him and I can't wait to meet them and become a part of his recovery there as well as here. Thank you for your support and prayers:-)
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