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Do you ever feel selfish/rebellious?

Old 03-05-2013, 01:40 PM
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Angry Do you ever feel selfish/rebellious?

Some of you who are familiar with my other post know that my ah is on meth, sometimes doesn't come home for days on end... claiming he is working. He has a business so that is a perfect excuse. I HAD to get this done tonight...blah, blah. There have even been times that he has blamed me for his all night working. Or the failures of the business. "if you would come do this for me or that for me" I wouldn't have to do this. HAH! BTDT and it didn't work. I finally got sick and tired of being around the "shady" creatures that supply his addiction. "no one 'shady' here" he says.... Whatever..

Anyway, after months of no help with the kids, being emotionally disconnected and, in general zero relationship father/or husband I am mad!
Sometimes I want to go out and do something wrong! Be totally irresponsible!!

Why do you get to act this way?! Why do you get to be totally irresponsible? Why do you get to cut us off! What if I told you I was coming home for supper and didn't show up for 3 DAYS!! (not that i want to do that to my kids, they are all i have, I can't imagine ..)

Sometimes I think I should go find someone to have an affair with. (that's really the only thing i can think of to hurt him) JUST TO HURT HIM BACK. Not that I really want to have an affair, I don't. I'm to tired to deal with that. (and after all I am sure I would never trust any man again)
But then I think... he probably wouldn't even notice...

I just wondered if anyone else feels this way? I realize now that he doesn't know what he does to us... and is blinded... But sometime I want to scream.. HEY I'M HERE! NOTICE ME/US!!
And I know my kids think the same way. Every morning my 7yo ask me very first thing. "did daddy come home last night?" It breaks my heart. And it makes me want to hurt him back! It's killing me, it's killing my kids, and he doesnt even know what he is doing. The last time I told him I was leaving him if he didn't get help, he denied there was even a "problem" So after I thought he cooled off I called him and ask him if WE were not worth fighting for. His response was I don't owe you b**ch. Nice. I had never had him talk to me that way. So I guess that meant his answer was NO. That's when I knew I had to leave...
Sorry, that got off track and this kinda rambled on...
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Old 03-05-2013, 01:50 PM
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I realize now that he doesn't know what he does to us... and is blinded

like hell, he knows EXACTLY what he is doing and he doesn't care. what were those last words? I don't owe you b**ch you are giving this jackass WAY too much credit.

your kids deserve better.
you deserve better.
he is hell bent on destruction and has NO compunction about taking you down with him.
you wanna rebel?
get OUT.
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Old 03-05-2013, 01:58 PM
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Anvilhead

You are always so full of wisdom
I guess I don't get the "disease" part then. I was just reading that addiction is a "disease"? And they don't know what they are doing....
Oh, I'm getting out... just biding my time....
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Old 03-05-2013, 02:05 PM
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Blue,
I have totally thought of that! Going to the store and not coming home for 3 days
It's just not in me. I wish it was though!
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Old 03-05-2013, 02:08 PM
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To be honest I fully understand and I once did.

One day I had had enough (not drug related) but of his affair and her efforts to contact him still.

One day, I lost patience.
I walked out and left him and the baby together.
He was meant to be working and he had to ring and say there was a problem at home and he could not go to work.

I went for a long drive.
I did some window shopping.
I parked up bought some lunch and a magazine.
I had a sleep.

When I went back he saw how hard it was being at home with a baby when you are worrying about where someone is or what someone is up to.

It made him a bit more considerate. Not much, but a bit.

But yes, I totally get you.
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Old 03-05-2013, 02:14 PM
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Your husband is a big boy doing exactly what he wants and needs to do to ensure that his dis-ease is fed and maintained. Your responsibility should be to yourself and your children. You cannot cure his disease. But you can protect your kids from being infected by it. They do not have to grow up exposed to the disease of addiction. It's your choice. You can change things. Only you. Your husband is incapable. He has a selfish disease. He only cares about himself. He only cares about drugs.

The good news is you can get off crazy train anytime you want. There's lots of help available when you are ready to accept it. I decided I wanted a better life for me and my child. I did some self-examination and figure out what my motives were for staying and what I wanted out of life. You might want to try that.

Have you been to al-anon?
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Old 03-05-2013, 02:20 PM
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I know. I would love to go to the store and not come back. Problem is I would have to take my kids and It would do no good. He would not even know we were gone. funny kinda in a sick way...
And I can't leave them with him... HES A MESS! He left them in the car this weekend and some man tried to steal our car with the kids in there! Thank God he locked the doors. I felt so STUPID! He just ran to the gas station. THE kids BEGGED to go. What can happen right? Well he went to the bathroom doing what ever it is that he does in there and some man tried to get in our car! He casually tells me this story. Like he's saying. Yay, I went to go buy some milk and forgot my wallet....casual... as he said, Yay, they looked like they saw a ghost when I got back... NO sh*[email protected]!!!!!! I felt like the biggest piece of dirt ever letting them go with him!! I should have known!! NEVER AGAIN!! And then I THANKED GOD that I still have my kids!!
I guess I am still learning the never underestimate part!!
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Old 03-05-2013, 02:25 PM
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Hello-kitty

No alanon here in this poe-dunk town. That's why I signed up here. This board has been a GOD send to me!! I have learned more in the past week on here than I could imagine! Eating it up like a starving person. I didn't realize there were so many others out there living in my life!

I am getting out. On the advice of my attorney I am stashing as much money as i can and biding my time till the kids get out of school.... If I last that long. I really think at this point I need to leave town to relatives. So i'm waiting impatiently till the kids get out of school so as not to totally disrupt there life. He also said that a judge would be more willing to let me leave the state if the kids are not tied down to school. So I wait.....
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Old 03-05-2013, 02:36 PM
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i would urge on the side of get out now...however at the very least please please never EVER leave him alone with the kids, at home, in the yard, and NEVER again allow him to take them anywhere!!! this man is full out dangerous and your children ARE NOT SAFE. i can't express that strongly enough. if you have relatives, man i'd sure be STRONGLY considering going there. i don't think the attorney realizes the full gravity of the situation.

it's worse than you think. WAY. WORSE. biding your time is a recipe for disaster at this point.
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Old 03-05-2013, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by blueholly View Post
I felt like the biggest piece of dirt ever letting them go with him!! I should have known!! NEVER AGAIN!! And then I THANKED GOD that I still have my kids!!
I guess I am still learning the never underestimate part!!
No thinking like that allowed!
He's the biggest pile of poo for doing that in my opinion.

xx
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