dasiydoc

I was cleaning up the my house on Saturday and when I was dusting, I picked up this vase that was on a shelf, an inside it I found a ziplock bag of cocaine. It was right in a hallway midpoint to the bedroom, bathroom, and office area. I could not believe that he stashed drugs at my place and right out in the open almost. My mom, a girlfriend could have come over and picked that vase up to look at it and found those drugs. And why would he think I would never find it? Idiot. I talked to him and at first he told me that he did put it there, but he forgot about it and it had been there a long time. It has been a long time since I picked that vase up, and I cant prove what he is saying isn’t true about that. But I didn’t believe that an addict would forget his drugs ever. He finally admitted he knew all along they were still there. Even though he is saying he wants to stop, and isn’t using now, and is getting help. He did not remove that stash of drugs. I asked him if there were any more hidden in my house. He denied it, but I didn’t believe him. I told him if he was lying and I found them, then I was done with him. He would be lying straight to my face. He went into the bathroom, and came out with more. He had them stuffed inside the storage cabinet. Then he tells me that is all he swears. I asked if he had it stashed around his house, and he said no he got rid of it all. I don’t know if I should believe him or not. It is his house, it is his decision. But this is my home. I felt violated at that moment.

I tried to calm down before I talked to him, and I tried to remain calm as he brought out more drugs, but I had enough of his endangering me, and having no respect for my home. I told him I wanted him to leave, and I wanted a week to think about things. I told him not to contact me, except we work together and I cant change part of that, but I told him I didn’t want to see him or talk to him unless it was required at work. This was on Sunday that I told him this. I cannot believe I made this choice. I am still steeming though asking if I know who he is. He tried to talk to me at work yesterday, and I told him off again about violating my home and my trust. He left me text messages last night, and saying I don’t have to reply but he regrets what he did, he wouldn’t do it now, begging me to forgive him and he will give me space if I want. I didn’t reply, and he stopped after that. Am I overreacting? I have to think about these feelings of being violated, angry. Its not about controlling him or his choices, but it is about what would have happened had my mom found those drugs. How would I have explained? I feel betrayed in some way and I don’t know what to do but wait to see how I feel in a few days.

stucna

you just caught him on a lie. if he even not taking it (which for me would be hard to believe, otherwise he would just get rid of it), he told you thats all he have and then he showed you more.

Ofcourse it will work for your trust! and thats the worst, cos you cant build healthy relationship without it!

im really proud of your NC decision! well done! fingers crossed for you! and whatever you decide after that one week, please be careful! hugs hugs hugs!!!

Kindeyes

I do understand why you would feel very violated.....by the drugs hidden in your home and the lies. Unfortunately the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

Good for you for taking time to put this into perspective and separating from him to give your mind room for thought. Take as much time as you need to take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Faithlove

UGH!
I HATE the "it was from a long time ago" excuse.

Just to relate, I found drugs and accessories in our truck this morning. The same truck that I spent all day driving yesterday with all of our kids in it! Of course his excuse was that what I found "was from a long time ago." But that excuse didn't get him far because it's a brand new truck!!!!!!!

Then, AH and I had a nice little argument, and I know I shouldn't have said it, but I did. I asked him why he hates me so much. I know he's an addict and it's a disease and he's not using at me.....but it sure does feel like it!!!!!!!!!

Then right on cue, he says, "I can't even have a normal recovery because I have to be perfect. If I have one little relapse, my wife is going to leave me." And I retorted, "don't blame not having a normal recovery on me."

Sorry I hijacked your thread. He did betray you. You going no contact and making him leave was a good decision. They lie. I don't know if my AH will ever be honest; with himself, with anyone.

stucna

well if he doesnt want it and "it was from long time ago" take it and flash it in the toilet! My friend done that and her housband got furious!

Hanna

Daisy,

I am so sorry. That is awful on so many levels.
No, you are not overreacting.

I found something this week in a drawer that Appeared to be the perfect tourniquet and that I didn't recognize. It might be left from the guy I dated briefly or it might be something entirely innocent. I just know I'm still paranoid about finding stuff and it's nearly 18 months later.

There are so many scenarios with addicts that I don't consider until they arise. What if being with him means other people find out about his problem and think you use, also? Could any of this effect you at work? I'm not trying to horribilize, just thinking out loud.


(((Hugs)))

Hanna

Whatsit

Daisy, you're doing the right thing, and his behavior is typical active addict behavior. He did violate your home, your heart and mind, and your rights.

Whatsit

My workaholic husband tried that one out several times.

AnvilheadII

daisy, sorry that he violated your home like that - sadly it's what addicts do. remember you were saying how he liked to come to YOUR place cuz HIS place reminded him of drugs? well, that was a load of crap, cuz he had drugs stashed AT your house!

i can't think of too many coke addicts that would knowingly have a stash or six of dope around and NOT be using. coke isn't something you "save" for a rainy day. it was not a mistake or an oversight, it was INTENTIONAL.

bottom line - HE'S NOT DONE YET. he is still actively involved with the drug. i dare to surmise he never fully quit. and that's what you have to work with.

and i respectfully disagree with the notion of flushing his drugs that are in his house. never ever try to take drugs from an addict.

Hanna

That's what I was wondering. I don't know if coke is different but my experience was that addicts couldn't keep hold of anything very long. Always gone instantly and out looking for more. Is it any different with cocaine? or with people that still have their jobs and are able to easily get more because of their income?

AnvilheadII

well can only speak from MY perspective - coke has a very loud relentless voice. even after all these years there is no way in hell i could imagine knowingly having a quantity of the stuff IN my home for any length of time. it would have to GO - one way or another. i could not guarantee how successful i would be with dumping it out either. probably be much more tempted to "make it go away" using the (ahem) other method.

blech. gives me the heebie jeebies.

Lily1918

I flushed my brothers drugs once... he beat the crap out of me and put me in the hospital. he had never been violent before then. please... as anvil say, do not try to take and destroy an addicts drugs. It is extremely dangerous.

Im sorry this has happened. what boundaries are you willing to put into place now that you have found them? Imo, he knew they were there and they were not from a long time ago. I am saying this because bop my addicts mother and I received phone calls asking us to clean out our houses. He told us exactly where every stash was. On the bookshelf between pages of textbooks, flower vases, pockets of pants in his dresser. In pockets of Sunday suits, in dress shoes in the back of the closet. In the strings of the piano... There were numerous places. I don't believe it is ok to search for drugs to find "proof" but I do believe a good once over when he is not home might be a good idea, just to make sure your home is clean, because he unfortunately is not.

dasiydoc

I don't know how I feel about it all. I just knew if I was like telling him he was immediately forgiven, and I totally understood then it would have been a lie and not being true to my real feelings. Maybe telling him I dont want to talk to him is too much but I need clarity and I also don't want to fight or say mean things to him that I will regret.

I didn't throw out the drugs. They are his and he can do with them what he wants. He did dispose of them on the spot. He can buy more anyway as he doesn't have a money issue. I think they were here for convenience. If he doesn't want to stop then I don't know why he ever got the idea he did and made his big confession, did all the research, and started seeing that doc he picked. I never pushed him to quit or threatened him with our relationship. I think it is harder than he thought.

I don't know why I'm so angry about the drugs in my house. I assumed he used drugs in my house when I knew for sure be was using. I also assumed he had them on his person. All he did was stash them. I'm struggling with the difference, or if I'm using this to unleash overall frustration and anger towards all of it.

Today he left a bag in the break area with my name on it, and with my favorite coffee, and my favorite donut the one with all the filling inside. And note said, I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I miss you. My heart has a hole like the donut it's empty without your love. I saw him later, raised my coffee up to acknowledge I got it, and he smiled. But still don't have it straight in my head so I'm not jumping back in yet. I'm very busy at work and I dont have time to think about him and problems. I don't think this is big enough to ruin us, and haven't thought about boundaries with it. I don't want to go crazy and strip search my house for more. Don't know why, is that weird?

AnvilheadII

so all it takes is coffee and donut?

I think they were here for convenience. If he doesn't want to stop then I don't know why he ever got the idea he did and made his big confession, did all the research, and started seeing that doc he picked.

cough cough, CONVENIENCE you say? oh my gosh....you really don't get the whole addiction thing, do you? he made the "big deal" i'm sure with decent to good intentions...see hon there is a HUGE difference, HUGE, between wanting or trying to quit and actually quitting. his ACTIONS scream that he is not ready to let go. you don't keep dope stashed at your house AND your g/f's house unless you plan to USE it.

it's either ok with you to be involved with an active lying addict who thought nothing of leaving drugs hidden in YOUR home....or it's not.

tjp613

Feel that water getting a little warmer yet???

hello-kitty

Don't sell yourself short. Your self respect and personal values are worth more than donuts and coffee.

My ex used to pull that crap all the time - with flowers and trinkets. It took a while before I got sick of him trying to buy me off. Everytime I accepted a gift from him, I gave a way a little bit of my soul and self respect. The point at which you enforce your boundaries is up to you. But first you should probably decide what they are. What is and isn't acceptable to you in a relationship? Where do you draw the line for the kind of people you will allow in your life?

Lying...
Illegal drugs...
Manipulating...
Disrespect...
Cheating...
Stealing....

He's not going to change. If you want change, it's up to you.

dasiydoc

Hard to figure out my feelings on the drugs being in the house like I said.
Obviously, I have been with him a year while he was actively using and I accepted that. I also was aware that he most likely used drugs when he stayed with at my house sometimes, and that he could have them on him at anytime. I accepted that. So I dont know why finding them there hidden upset me so much. Part of it is because he lied and said he forgot, and part of it is because he lied and said there was no more and there was more.

But in my mind I also know that lying is a symptom of addiction. Being truthful and admitting
1) he needed to have them in my house for convenience
2) he had to hide them because he knew it was wrong to be using it especially when time spent at my house is time spent not alone, but always with me playing some role. This goes to his addictive need of the drug.
3) he has no reason for having not disposed of it when he decided to quit, except a part of him doesnt want to quit, and he has to admit this to me and himself.
4) if he admits it is hard, then he is also admitting he is weak, and he is ashamed of that, and feels guilt with that.

I dont have it all squared away yet in my head.

He is still at an early point where his active use doesnt show up in his behavior, so I am not running away just because he has this hidden problem. I still think he wants to stop, but there is a battle going on inside him. Ive never expected it to be easy for him, and I dont care if he does a perfect job of quitting. I dont think there is like a textbook model.

But for now Im going to do as I said, and figure out my feelings. He had a doctors appointment this afternoon, so he will have someone to talk to if he needs to.

dasiydoc

he did get rid of all of it Stucna. I mean Im sure if he wanted it, that was painful because of the cost, but he could buy more. I dont think he would have been angry if I had flushed it, but I think some people could get furious like you said and depending on the situation it could become violent.

LoveMeNow

Sounds like A LOT of time and energy is being spent thinking about him and his addiction. Very common for untreated codependency!

IMO, You seem to like the positive attention from his "slips". Just sayin...

bluebelle

You have every right to be angry. It is your home, and it is an illegal substance that anybody could find. Plus, it shows you the depth of addiction. He is hiding drugs, sneaking around, lying, and covering it up. That's what addicts do. Usually, what we see in terms of use is just the tip of the ice berg. Who knows why he said he wanted to quit. Wanting to quit and really stopping are two different things.

The most important thing to look at are his actions, not his words. What are his actions showing you? He says he wants to quit, but there are drugs stashed in your house. That is the kind of thing that can drive you crazy. You are seeing one thing, but he's telling you something else. Trust your instincts and your gut.

I about went crazy with abf's usage because I saw him having a problem with drugs, but he was denying it. Denial is one of the stages of grief. It's not just denial when somebody dies or gets hurt. We feel denial when we aren't ready to face reality. Our mind protects us from what we cannot face. Denial works for both the codependent and the addict. It's part of the process. I have worked really hard on acceptance, because I don't want to be living in denial and lying to myself. It's not easy.