I found Drugs in my House
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by Hanna 
Hey Daisy,
I am really glad you have other stuff going on, too. Like curtains, and sewing! (I should be an expert given my Mom is just amazing on a sewing machine but I've never taken the time to learn.)
It just seemed like the focus here was completely on him in that particular 6:37PM post. Not even on your relationship with him, not at all on you just completely HIM. I mean, you are here because of him so it makes some sense to focus on what he is doing but...
(and this is all just my own impression.)
...well, you don't seem as angry or upset about the fact that there were drugs in your house as most people would be. I'm not talking about how I think you should feel toward him, that's not the point. But frankly, if I found coke in my house I would be freaking out, no matter who brought it. This is coming from a woman that has cleaned up a house previously inhabited by IV drug users without batting much of an eye. In my house? Very different situation.
However, I am aware that you likely have lots of things going through your head that you are not posting here. I always do! But the whole scenario reminded me of something I read about living in chaos: our brains literally begin to change so that what is completely abnormal and even terrifying begins to seem not so bad and even normal. It's a coping mechanism. I will try to find the article. You aren't in the midst of chaos at this point, but after a day your writing just left me with the impression that what was a very big deal 24 hours before had become something you may have already accepted as par for the course. It just made me think ...hmmm... maybe Daisy is experiencing that. I know I did, which is why even laugh I even today about some of the bizarre and really disturbing things that have happened.
I definitely understand what you are saying about the experiences being shared here. Most of us have been through stuff that hasn't started happening with him yet. Your perspective is not the same as ours. I know what CAN happen but don't know what WILL happen and I think you are a smart woman with a good head on your shoulders.
It's tough to have a thread full of advice being given. You have to go through what you are going through and make your own decisions though. Lots of what you read here will be useful, some may not be for you, but will for the next person that comes along and reads it. We've all got different rows to hoe.
I'm glad you are here on SR. Please don't feel like you have to explain or defend yourself at all. But please do keep reading all of the ES&H that people share here so that if you find things getting worse you will have some great tools to recognize it and mitigate.
Peace,
Hanna
I am really glad you have other stuff going on, too. Like curtains, and sewing! (I should be an expert given my Mom is just amazing on a sewing machine but I've never taken the time to learn.)
It just seemed like the focus here was completely on him in that particular 6:37PM post. Not even on your relationship with him, not at all on you just completely HIM. I mean, you are here because of him so it makes some sense to focus on what he is doing but...
(and this is all just my own impression.)
...well, you don't seem as angry or upset about the fact that there were drugs in your house as most people would be. I'm not talking about how I think you should feel toward him, that's not the point. But frankly, if I found coke in my house I would be freaking out, no matter who brought it. This is coming from a woman that has cleaned up a house previously inhabited by IV drug users without batting much of an eye. In my house? Very different situation.
However, I am aware that you likely have lots of things going through your head that you are not posting here. I always do! But the whole scenario reminded me of something I read about living in chaos: our brains literally begin to change so that what is completely abnormal and even terrifying begins to seem not so bad and even normal. It's a coping mechanism. I will try to find the article. You aren't in the midst of chaos at this point, but after a day your writing just left me with the impression that what was a very big deal 24 hours before had become something you may have already accepted as par for the course. It just made me think ...hmmm... maybe Daisy is experiencing that. I know I did, which is why even laugh I even today about some of the bizarre and really disturbing things that have happened.
I definitely understand what you are saying about the experiences being shared here. Most of us have been through stuff that hasn't started happening with him yet. Your perspective is not the same as ours. I know what CAN happen but don't know what WILL happen and I think you are a smart woman with a good head on your shoulders.
It's tough to have a thread full of advice being given. You have to go through what you are going through and make your own decisions though. Lots of what you read here will be useful, some may not be for you, but will for the next person that comes along and reads it. We've all got different rows to hoe.
I'm glad you are here on SR. Please don't feel like you have to explain or defend yourself at all. But please do keep reading all of the ES&H that people share here so that if you find things getting worse you will have some great tools to recognize it and mitigate.
Peace,
Hanna
Yes your right, I don't have to defend myself or even comment when I disagree. I guess I get caught up in some of the enthusiasm of the posters.
I see what you are saying about the anger and getting complcacent over time. I would like to read the article if you can find it. You can PM me if you want.
I am still angry over the betrayal of the drugs in my house. I am not as emotional over it now. That is how I am. I have been taught when something like this happens to upset you, then take a step away, calm down, think it over, and respond not to the emotion but to the facts and the big picture.
And that is what I'm doing. I havent talked to him, texted him or anything, and he is giving me room to think all on my own which I appreciate. Reading a lot of posts here, I know lots of times it doesn't work that way. He could be blowing up my phone, pounding on my door, and all that other crap.
OT : I would like to learn to sew better. My mom sews. Mostly I would be interested in home decorating projects as it would be laughable if I tried to make clothes to wear out in public!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I completely understand about "functioning" addicts. My abf abused pain pills for 7 years before his first attempt at recovery. Most of that time, he was very functioning--good job, taking care of kids and parents. He used the drugs to help himself be a high achiever and to not feel as much pain when his parents died. He was able to work all week, drive all day, and then take care of his parents--drive back, and work again. Of course, this caught up with him. At first the pills made him feel like he could accomplish more. Then, he couldn't function without the pills. He needed more pills just to feel "normal." He was terrified of the withdrawals.
All this time, I remained in denial about the extent of the problem. I had no idea how many he was really taking. We became more and more distant because the drugs were the most important thing in his life--his best friend. He now admits at he was not there. He wasn't involved in the relationship, because the drugs were always more important. This wasn't very obvious. Plus, it sneaks up on you. He still would make dinner, give me flowers, etc., but that was a cover for the reality, which was that the drugs were his priority. I'm sure that most everybody in here has seen a "functional" addict. Addiction is progressive. It leads to jail, death, or recovery. Those are the choices facing an active addict.
All this time, I remained in denial about the extent of the problem. I had no idea how many he was really taking. We became more and more distant because the drugs were the most important thing in his life--his best friend. He now admits at he was not there. He wasn't involved in the relationship, because the drugs were always more important. This wasn't very obvious. Plus, it sneaks up on you. He still would make dinner, give me flowers, etc., but that was a cover for the reality, which was that the drugs were his priority. I'm sure that most everybody in here has seen a "functional" addict. Addiction is progressive. It leads to jail, death, or recovery. Those are the choices facing an active addict.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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Part of the reason I talk about him is also because people are posting and talking about him. I mean in response to “he is not done”. Ok , If he is not done using, then he is not done. I wasn’t trying to make him stop in the first place. He came up with that idea all on his own. Our relationship was doing fine while he was using. I think some people dont understand what it is like to live with a highly functional person in addiction. You dont see their addiction except very rarely and as a person he still has all those good qualities of things like, calling when he says he will, not going on partying, being able to rely on him, having him be thoughtful, there is no stealing because he has a job, a home, pays his bills, no worry how is behavior will be in front of the parents, and he has lied about the drugs, but in everyday actions not related to drugs I can verify forward and back that he is being honest and truthful about things. It doesnt seem like very many people here have involvement with people that are in early addiction/functional and maybe that is why you cant understand exactly.
This will be my last comment on this thread.
You say in the paragraph I highlighted that your relationship with him was doing fine while he was using. Have you any awareness as to how messed up that sounds?
The sole reason I'm on this board is because I was involved with a opiate addict/Borderline Personality, and that relationship blew up in my face. I knew her when she was high, I knew her when she got clean, and I saw exactly what she was all about the day she left me for another addict. So I've seen and experienced quite a bit, and I can tell you that regarding my AXGF, there is no mystery: opiates made her a different person. And once those opiates were gone, I saw her true nature. Thankfully, she's taken her act elsewhere.
Not to go too far down this road, but let's say hypothetically she left opiates at my home, and let's say for whatever reason, the police came to my home and found those opiates. Because of what I do for work, I would be in a sh*tload of trouble and could potentially lose my job. Your initial post was how furious you were with him for leaving cocaine in your house, but now the cognitive gymnastics you're doing suggest that right now, you're not grounded in any sort of reality as to what, exactly, you're dealing with. So, I will leave you with well wishes and prayers. I hope to God you don't find out how expensive and costly denial can be.
ZoSo
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
bluebelle, your post made a lot of sense to me. Some train wrecks take longer to occur than others. When we are with "functional" addicts it is easy to believe that it's all good and we can handle it.
I've found that there is no talking someone out of it when they are convinced that their situation is different. There wasn't anything that stopped me. At least it wasn't lost on me that tolerating addiction in a love relationship meant more about me than it did him. I had to figure out why I didn't deserve someone that left drugs in my home. Now, I don't want to be with anyone that is willing to jeopardize my freedom. But it took me awhile to "get it".
Anyway, my hope that for anyone involved with an addict -whether in early recovery, early addiction, or whatever.... Is that they learn everything they can about addiction and codependency. Not pointing any fingers.... Just saying that it's something to consider looking into.
I've found that there is no talking someone out of it when they are convinced that their situation is different. There wasn't anything that stopped me. At least it wasn't lost on me that tolerating addiction in a love relationship meant more about me than it did him. I had to figure out why I didn't deserve someone that left drugs in my home. Now, I don't want to be with anyone that is willing to jeopardize my freedom. But it took me awhile to "get it".
Anyway, my hope that for anyone involved with an addict -whether in early recovery, early addiction, or whatever.... Is that they learn everything they can about addiction and codependency. Not pointing any fingers.... Just saying that it's something to consider looking into.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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I have a question- you are both med residents correct?
By leaving drugs in your home he put you at risk for ruining your future. Felony drug conviction means no license to practice in virtually any state let alone obtaining a DEA #.
Where are your boundaries in all this?
By leaving drugs in your home he put you at risk for ruining your future. Felony drug conviction means no license to practice in virtually any state let alone obtaining a DEA #.
Where are your boundaries in all this?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
daisy you realize that possession of drugs and paraphernalia in many cases is a FELONY. felonies = prison. do you know what happens to pretty girls who go to prison!? If you make it out alive your future would be: No future employment, some schools won't accept you, most apartment complexes won't. The judge won't buy it just because you aren't using. drugs in your house is still possession... If you do get charged with possession and in the future have children then in many states you become a target for CPS... even years and years down the line... please... proceed with great caution.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by ColetteTocca
I have a question- you are both med residents correct?
By leaving drugs in your home he put you at risk for ruining your future. Felony drug conviction means no license to practice in virtually any state let alone obtaining a DEA #.
Where are your boundaries in all this?
By leaving drugs in your home he put you at risk for ruining your future. Felony drug conviction means no license to practice in virtually any state let alone obtaining a DEA #.
Where are your boundaries in all this?
I know addiction doesn't discriminate but I still wouldn't want anyone I love being treated by an active addict....even a functional one.
But with that said, eventually it will catch up to any addict. The ends are always the same for an active addict.....jail, institutions or death.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by Lily1918
daisy you realize that possession of drugs and paraphernalia in many cases is a FELONY. felonies = prison. do you know what happens to pretty girls who go to prison!? If you make it out alive your future would be: No future employment, some schools won't accept you, most apartment complexes won't. The judge won't buy it just because you aren't using. drugs in your house is still possession... If you do get charged with possession and in the future have children then in many states you become a target for CPS... even years and years down the line... please... proceed with great caution.
Hi Lily,
I have always tried to be careful. But I do want to say that some of the what ifs are sort of future tripping I think. Right now I am thinking about taking away his keys to my house, and possibly not even allowing him to come over, or limit it until I have a change of feelings. Not Saying for sure, only thinking about options.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by dasiydoc
Hi Lily,
I have always tried to be careful. But I do want to say that some of the what ifs are sort of future tripping I think. Right now I am thinking about taking away his keys to my house, and possibly not even allowing him to come over, or limit it until I have a change of feelings. Not Saying for sure, only thinking about options.
I would have taken his keys away the moment I found his drugs in my home.. End of discussion..
I look at it this way, you have two choices you can set some very strong boundaries with yourself and start focusing on YOUR recovery or you can continue to justify his actions and rationalize his drug use and sooner or later pay the consequences of being in a relationship with a drug addict... You seem awfully focused one him.. You need to focus on you.. Spending time with a girl friend and sewing is great.. That's a positive activity.. But may I suggest for the final time that you find an alanon or naranon meeting pronto and attend..
Like some of the others, this will be my last post on this thread or any thread that you post on SR actually until you take your boyfriend out of the equation of your posts, meaning you don't mention him at all and start focusing on your recovery!!!
This thread makes my head hurt
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
How functional will you both be when you lose everything and wind up in jail?
If you think that is an extreme or harsh question, you have no concept of the reality of where this will all lead.
I wish you well, I have no more to say on this subject except to remind everyone...I don't do bail.
Hugs
If you think that is an extreme or harsh question, you have no concept of the reality of where this will all lead.
I wish you well, I have no more to say on this subject except to remind everyone...I don't do bail.
Hugs
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Omg! You both are medical residents? You've got to be kidding me. You of all people know what you are risking and you are okay with this????? I work in critical care - and as a medical professional I am stunned at what you are willing to risk and that there is this level of acceptance on your part.
I hope that things work out for you. I recocognize that I need to step away from this thread at this time. This scares me that you knowingly allow him to continue treating patients and don't report this? Tell me no more... I honestly don't want to know.
I hope that things work out for you. I recocognize that I need to step away from this thread at this time. This scares me that you knowingly allow him to continue treating patients and don't report this? Tell me no more... I honestly don't want to know.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Daisy, I have refrained from posting because my ESH is not exactly appropriate, but I will say, denial is the biggest ally to addiction. You wouldn't be posting here unless subconsciously you knew that this is morally wrong, if you are indeed in the medical field.
I will refrain from sharing my opinion and just say, as a Mom of an addict, if my son was treated by a medical professional for his addiction I would pray that person wasn't lenient in their treatment due to their own follies with illegal substances.
I will refrain from sharing my opinion and just say, as a Mom of an addict, if my son was treated by a medical professional for his addiction I would pray that person wasn't lenient in their treatment due to their own follies with illegal substances.
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