I found Drugs in my House
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He is still at an early point where his active use doesnt show up in his behavior, so I am not running away just because he has this hidden problem. I still think he wants to stop, but there is a battle going on inside him. Ive never expected it to be easy for him, and I dont care if he does a perfect job of quitting. I dont think there is like a textbook model.
do you see how you are now DEFENDING him? justifying, rationalizing, minimizing, denial-izing.
perfect job of quitting? he hasn't QUIT yet.
do you see how you are now DEFENDING him? justifying, rationalizing, minimizing, denial-izing.
perfect job of quitting? he hasn't QUIT yet.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I tried to calm down before I talked to him, and I tried to remain calm as he brought out more drugs, but I had enough of his endangering me, and having no respect for my home. I told him I wanted him to leave, and I wanted a week to think about things. I told him not to contact me, except we work together and I cant change part of that, but I told him I didn’t want to see him or talk to him unless it was required at work. This was on Sunday that I told him this. I cannot believe I made this choice. I am still steeming though asking if I know who he is. He tried to talk to me at work yesterday, and I told him off again about violating my home and my trust. He left me text messages last night, and saying I don’t have to reply but he regrets what he did, he wouldn’t do it now, begging me to forgive him and he will give me space if I want. I didn’t reply, and he stopped after that. Am I overreacting? I have to think about these feelings of being violated, angry. Its not about controlling him or his choices, but it is about what would have happened had my mom found those drugs. How would I have explained? I feel betrayed in some way and I don’t know what to do but wait to see how I feel in a few days.
One of the common themes throughout this thread and others like it is the addict (either using or not in recovery) has zero respect for our boundaries and has no regard for the consequences of violating them. So he stashes cocaine in your home. I mean, in your home. And while that doesn't surprise me in the slightest because addicts are capable of anything, it is an unequivocally inexcusable violation of your trust and your property. Period.
You did exactly what you should have done. And now you have to decide whether or not you can have someone like that in your life. Please base that decision on what you know to be true and not what you hope will happen or what's in your heart.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
daisydoc, have you gotten familiar with the path of addiction for a cocaine addict?
If not, then learning about that will be very very important as you think through what this means to you now and in the future.
Maybe someone who knows more about this DOC could lay out what happens, and how long it takes.
ShootingStar1
If not, then learning about that will be very very important as you think through what this means to you now and in the future.
Maybe someone who knows more about this DOC could lay out what happens, and how long it takes.
ShootingStar1
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Daisy,
Now is the time to be focused on you not the lies and manipulation that your BF is feeding you.. Chances are he never stopped using.. I know that's a a hard one to swallow but your dealing with an addict here not a rational person.. Your dealing with someone who lies to you, manipulates you and then buys back your good graces with a cup of coffee and a donut...
He stashed drugs in YOUR home, your place of serenity.. What kind of respect does that show you? Not to mention the fact that if for some reason you got caught with those drugs in your home.. YOU would be paying the consequences and don't think the wouldn't throw you under the bus, he's an addict he will do anything to protect himself and his disease..
Those drugs are not there from a long time ago, there were there from just a little while ago as in the last time he was over at your apartment.. It's a hard reality to face.. It's easier to deny and rationalize then to look at the truth...
What are you doing for YOU? I would suggest getting to a meeting today and start focusing on you... What are your boundaries? Where do you draw the line and say, this behaviour is not acceptable to me? When do you say ENOUGH to the manipulation and the lies? What are you afraid of by focusing on you instead if him.. All of this time spent worried about whether he was clean or not, his recovery, his relapses.. Where has that gotten you???? That's time wasted that you could have spent working on YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
Now is the time to be focused on you not the lies and manipulation that your BF is feeding you.. Chances are he never stopped using.. I know that's a a hard one to swallow but your dealing with an addict here not a rational person.. Your dealing with someone who lies to you, manipulates you and then buys back your good graces with a cup of coffee and a donut...
He stashed drugs in YOUR home, your place of serenity.. What kind of respect does that show you? Not to mention the fact that if for some reason you got caught with those drugs in your home.. YOU would be paying the consequences and don't think the wouldn't throw you under the bus, he's an addict he will do anything to protect himself and his disease..
Those drugs are not there from a long time ago, there were there from just a little while ago as in the last time he was over at your apartment.. It's a hard reality to face.. It's easier to deny and rationalize then to look at the truth...
What are you doing for YOU? I would suggest getting to a meeting today and start focusing on you... What are your boundaries? Where do you draw the line and say, this behaviour is not acceptable to me? When do you say ENOUGH to the manipulation and the lies? What are you afraid of by focusing on you instead if him.. All of this time spent worried about whether he was clean or not, his recovery, his relapses.. Where has that gotten you???? That's time wasted that you could have spent working on YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I don't know why I'm so angry about the drugs in my house. I assumed he used drugs in my house when I knew for sure be was using. I also assumed he had them on his person. All he did was stash them.
You wouldn't be the first here and probably won't be the last to pay serious legal consequences for the actions of an active addict...and he IS an active addict.
Sometimes addiction and drugs become such a hugs part of OUR lives that we don't even think of things like the consequences we could pay. Same goes for drugs stashed in a vehicle...the vehicle can be impounded and if there were children involved, they may be taken away too.
It's a big deal, don't kid yourself.
Choosing to remain with an active addict can take YOU to jail or worse. Maybe think about that when he tells you his lies. His lies won't get you out of jail if that happens.
Hugs
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My exabf was long gone to prison, in the middle of the night, I hear a loud bang at the door. It was a group of deputies with big dogs. They had a search warrant, I let them in they searched my entire house, garage, shed and yard, my vehicles, looking for drugs.
The ex was supposedly involved in a drug ring of some type, the deps didn't give me all
the details...and I didn't care.
There were no drugs found, if there had been, I would have been in deep doo, doo, I could have lost everything, including my freedom. The legal ramifications can be horrific.
One of my bounderies with him were that he had no drugs in my house, car, anywhere near me, it appears that it was the only boundry he adhered to.
You have such as blase' attitude towards his drug use and that attitude is a bit unsettling to me. I have often wondered why you post...you are ok with his drug usage, he can use in your home, your car and anywhere else near you, and it's ok...I don't get it, you are not detached from him, you are condoning and emotionally supporting his habit, is your love for him that blind, that you cannot see where this is all going?
The ex was supposedly involved in a drug ring of some type, the deps didn't give me all
the details...and I didn't care.
There were no drugs found, if there had been, I would have been in deep doo, doo, I could have lost everything, including my freedom. The legal ramifications can be horrific.
One of my bounderies with him were that he had no drugs in my house, car, anywhere near me, it appears that it was the only boundry he adhered to.
You have such as blase' attitude towards his drug use and that attitude is a bit unsettling to me. I have often wondered why you post...you are ok with his drug usage, he can use in your home, your car and anywhere else near you, and it's ok...I don't get it, you are not detached from him, you are condoning and emotionally supporting his habit, is your love for him that blind, that you cannot see where this is all going?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
Sounds like A LOT of time and energy is being spent thinking about him and his addiction. Very common for untreated codependency!
IMO, You seem to like the positive attention from his "slips". Just sayin...
IMO, You seem to like the positive attention from his "slips". Just sayin...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
HI Hanna and Stucna and Everyone.
First of all I am doing fine. I had a good day yesterday. After work, I went out to dinner with a girlfriend, and then she came back over to my house for a while. Her goal was to help me alter a pair of curtains. I have a sewing machine but I don’t know how to use it. I tried, but wasn’t even able to thread it right. It was so funny. So she helped me learn how to do that plus the bobbin. And we worked on the curtains only to then find out the rod was not quite level and the screwdriver was not charged up. You had to be there I guess but it was very funny.
I think that post you referred to Hanna was me thinking about in general why addicts lie about their drugs and their use, and I guess where there drugs are hidden ! It is common among addiction, and it is part of the addictive act in my opinion. I think things like this through because it is something I need to understand, and put in terms that I feel comfortable with. Like ok what has changed: he lied about the drugs, and he left them in my house. So now it is only a matter of what I do with that. This is why I need the time to think it through and I do appreciate everyone's comments and thoughts.
Part of the reason I talk about him is also because people are posting and talking about him. I mean in response to “he is not done”. Ok , If he is not done using, then he is not done. I wasn’t trying to make him stop in the first place. He came up with that idea all on his own. Our relationship was doing fine while he was using. I think some people dont understand what it is like to live with a highly functional person in addiction. You dont see their addiction except very rarely and as a person he still has all those good qualities of things like, calling when he says he will, not going on partying, being able to rely on him, having him be thoughtful, there is no stealing because he has a job, a home, pays his bills, no worry how is behavior will be in front of the parents, and he has lied about the drugs, but in everyday actions not related to drugs I can verify forward and back that he is being honest and truthful about things. It doesnt seem like very many people here have involvement with people that are in early addiction/functional and maybe that is why you cant understand exactly.
Do I believe he is not done? I doubt he is done using, but I do think he has started on his way into the process of change. It is going to take time, and it wont be perfect line to success. I know however to my satisfaction that he is seriously working on it. I SEE it in his attitude, his moods, his sleep patterns. I see it because he is working with an addiction doctor now and learning behavior modification, and I see it when he is reading at home, and when we talk. Im not so worried about this part right now since it has only been a month. I think he is doing good and Im proud of him for what he has accomplished so far. He was using everyday, and it was keeping him stable and now he is feeling the effects of losing that drug. All of his efforts at recovery, are going to have nothing but a positive effect on our relationship, and I have no desire to practice some sort of detachment from him as he works on it because I don’t feel uncomfortable emotionally.
I guess I should have elaborated on the coffee and the donut. He is in the habit of buying me coffee everyday, but he would normally bring it to me. So it is ok that he bought if for me still, and left it with a note. The note was sort of cheesy, but I think he intended it to be that way. None of it was an act of manipulation.
That is my update I guess. I feel fine with my decision to take a week to let things settle down in my mind. I am not worried about how he is dealing with it. I sort of felt like I was overreacting yesterday saying I needed a week, but I think it will take that long to get clarity for myself, and look at what I have allowed into my life, and if I am still comfortable with it/not. I have another busy and long day at work, and then I already have plans for this evening, part of which will be leveling that curtain rod.
First of all I am doing fine. I had a good day yesterday. After work, I went out to dinner with a girlfriend, and then she came back over to my house for a while. Her goal was to help me alter a pair of curtains. I have a sewing machine but I don’t know how to use it. I tried, but wasn’t even able to thread it right. It was so funny. So she helped me learn how to do that plus the bobbin. And we worked on the curtains only to then find out the rod was not quite level and the screwdriver was not charged up. You had to be there I guess but it was very funny.
I think that post you referred to Hanna was me thinking about in general why addicts lie about their drugs and their use, and I guess where there drugs are hidden ! It is common among addiction, and it is part of the addictive act in my opinion. I think things like this through because it is something I need to understand, and put in terms that I feel comfortable with. Like ok what has changed: he lied about the drugs, and he left them in my house. So now it is only a matter of what I do with that. This is why I need the time to think it through and I do appreciate everyone's comments and thoughts.
Part of the reason I talk about him is also because people are posting and talking about him. I mean in response to “he is not done”. Ok , If he is not done using, then he is not done. I wasn’t trying to make him stop in the first place. He came up with that idea all on his own. Our relationship was doing fine while he was using. I think some people dont understand what it is like to live with a highly functional person in addiction. You dont see their addiction except very rarely and as a person he still has all those good qualities of things like, calling when he says he will, not going on partying, being able to rely on him, having him be thoughtful, there is no stealing because he has a job, a home, pays his bills, no worry how is behavior will be in front of the parents, and he has lied about the drugs, but in everyday actions not related to drugs I can verify forward and back that he is being honest and truthful about things. It doesnt seem like very many people here have involvement with people that are in early addiction/functional and maybe that is why you cant understand exactly.
Do I believe he is not done? I doubt he is done using, but I do think he has started on his way into the process of change. It is going to take time, and it wont be perfect line to success. I know however to my satisfaction that he is seriously working on it. I SEE it in his attitude, his moods, his sleep patterns. I see it because he is working with an addiction doctor now and learning behavior modification, and I see it when he is reading at home, and when we talk. Im not so worried about this part right now since it has only been a month. I think he is doing good and Im proud of him for what he has accomplished so far. He was using everyday, and it was keeping him stable and now he is feeling the effects of losing that drug. All of his efforts at recovery, are going to have nothing but a positive effect on our relationship, and I have no desire to practice some sort of detachment from him as he works on it because I don’t feel uncomfortable emotionally.
I guess I should have elaborated on the coffee and the donut. He is in the habit of buying me coffee everyday, but he would normally bring it to me. So it is ok that he bought if for me still, and left it with a note. The note was sort of cheesy, but I think he intended it to be that way. None of it was an act of manipulation.
That is my update I guess. I feel fine with my decision to take a week to let things settle down in my mind. I am not worried about how he is dealing with it. I sort of felt like I was overreacting yesterday saying I needed a week, but I think it will take that long to get clarity for myself, and look at what I have allowed into my life, and if I am still comfortable with it/not. I have another busy and long day at work, and then I already have plans for this evening, part of which will be leveling that curtain rod.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Our relationship was doing fine while he was using. I think some people dont understand what it is like to live with a highly functional person in addiction. You dont see their addiction except very rarely and as a person he still has all those good qualities of things like, calling when he says he will, not going on partying, being able to rely on him, having him be thoughtful, there is no stealing because he has a job, a home, pays his bills, no worry how is behavior will be in front of the parents, and he has lied about the drugs, but in everyday actions not related to drugs I can verify forward and back that he is being honest and truthful about things. It doesnt seem like very many people here have involvement with people that are in early addiction/functional and maybe that is why you cant understand exactly.
right cuz here on a RECOVERY board we really don't have much experience regarding ADDICTION.
right cuz here on a RECOVERY board we really don't have much experience regarding ADDICTION.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Sounds like everything is just hunky-dory then!
Yeah, you're right.....not very many people here have much experience with functional addicts. All I know is that all these ignorant people pulled my head out of my *** more times than I can count and I thank God every single day for every single one of them. I hope some day to be as ignorant as them.
Yeah, you're right.....not very many people here have much experience with functional addicts. All I know is that all these ignorant people pulled my head out of my *** more times than I can count and I thank God every single day for every single one of them. I hope some day to be as ignorant as them.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by dasiydoc
Hey Lovemenow. I think you are adorable. Your comment is a reflection back on something I said to you weeks ago, and you have remembered it and been stewing on it. That is cute. Sorry I said something that really stuck with you so intensely, but I guess I was on point or that would not have happened. OT Its good to hear your husband is feeling better since he detoxed and had that shot. He has accomplished a lot while you were away on vacation. I hope things continue like that once you are back living together again.
Thank you for your kind words.
No, no stewing! What "stuck" with me is how easily many of us, get sucked in so easily by a little attention and sucking up.
Even more interesting is how we "assume" to know others yet are really triggered by our own selves. The mirror can be painful. At least for me it was.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Hi DaisyDoc -
My husband is not a full blown raging daily addict on heroin, crack, cocaine or daily drinking. He doesn't disappear for days or weeks at a time to where I"m wondering if he's laying in a gutter somewhere.
My husband's addiction shows up like things are fine and we're working, paying our bills, enjoying our lives, laughing, making plans, having friends over, doing things in our community...
And then at some point, he starts using something. Pot. Pills. Drinking. And he hides it. And he lies to me. And then I find out. And then all hell breaks loose.
I don't have to worry about how he behaves in front of others either. Heck, I can't even tell when he's using except for this last bender which made it obvious to me because this time he mixed the pills and the drinking while he was partying with his cousin.
Usually, when he uses, he pops a pill that he found or has some pot and I can't even detect a difference in his behavior. And believe me I have felt even more stupid for not realizing that he was high on a pain pill or something. But he is good at hiding it out of necessity -- that's what an addict does -- and he of course lies about it and sneaks around really well too.
But it always comes out at some point. I catch something he left, or realized he took my Rx pills. He then confesses and we get into it. And round and round it has gone since the time we got married this summer.
Just wanted to you to know that I get the situation of having an addicted husband who is functional and wonderful and trustworthy when they are not using.
They are still addicts.
And I am SO GRATEFUL to have realized this in the early stages of the addiction because I am learning it a PROGRESSIVE disease and will only get worse. Not better.
I'm doing all this stuff for myself because I'm in the fairly beginning stages and do not want to let myself wind up a story where I've been married for 17 years and I'm still dealing with the same old crap. Now is the time for me to do something about it.
My husband is not a full blown raging daily addict on heroin, crack, cocaine or daily drinking. He doesn't disappear for days or weeks at a time to where I"m wondering if he's laying in a gutter somewhere.
My husband's addiction shows up like things are fine and we're working, paying our bills, enjoying our lives, laughing, making plans, having friends over, doing things in our community...
And then at some point, he starts using something. Pot. Pills. Drinking. And he hides it. And he lies to me. And then I find out. And then all hell breaks loose.
I don't have to worry about how he behaves in front of others either. Heck, I can't even tell when he's using except for this last bender which made it obvious to me because this time he mixed the pills and the drinking while he was partying with his cousin.
Usually, when he uses, he pops a pill that he found or has some pot and I can't even detect a difference in his behavior. And believe me I have felt even more stupid for not realizing that he was high on a pain pill or something. But he is good at hiding it out of necessity -- that's what an addict does -- and he of course lies about it and sneaks around really well too.
But it always comes out at some point. I catch something he left, or realized he took my Rx pills. He then confesses and we get into it. And round and round it has gone since the time we got married this summer.
Just wanted to you to know that I get the situation of having an addicted husband who is functional and wonderful and trustworthy when they are not using.
They are still addicts.
And I am SO GRATEFUL to have realized this in the early stages of the addiction because I am learning it a PROGRESSIVE disease and will only get worse. Not better.
I'm doing all this stuff for myself because I'm in the fairly beginning stages and do not want to let myself wind up a story where I've been married for 17 years and I'm still dealing with the same old crap. Now is the time for me to do something about it.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by dasiydoc
HI Hanna and Stucna and Everyone.
Part of the reason I talk about him is also because people are posting and talking about him. I mean in response to “he is not done”. Ok , If he is not done using, then he is not done. I wasn’t trying to make him stop in the first place. He came up with that idea all on his own. Our relationship was doing fine while he was using. I think some people dont understand what it is like to live with a highly functional person in addiction.. It doesnt seem like very many people here have involvement with people that are in early addiction/functional and maybe that is why you cant understand exactly.
rod.
Part of the reason I talk about him is also because people are posting and talking about him. I mean in response to “he is not done”. Ok , If he is not done using, then he is not done. I wasn’t trying to make him stop in the first place. He came up with that idea all on his own. Our relationship was doing fine while he was using. I think some people dont understand what it is like to live with a highly functional person in addiction.. It doesnt seem like very many people here have involvement with people that are in early addiction/functional and maybe that is why you cant understand exactly.
rod.
Everyone of us knows what it's like to live with an addict and if you will read our posts you will see that most of our addicts are functional..
I was married to a functioning addict for 5 years.. My EXAH came home every night, well except for that time he was arrested for a DUI.. He worked a job, in fact he had a great work ethic.. Went to work every day and never called in sick.. Yep!! Highly functional.. But he was still an addict and he still lied to me, stole from me, laid around stoned all day therefore was not a big participant in our marriage... He brought drugs into my home which in turn put my job and reputation on the line and he caused me more legal problems then you will ever know... His disease got progressively worse.. Oh I heard all the promises of I'm getting clean, those drugs are from along time ago.. Quack quack quack...
Your mistaken if you think your BF is in early addiction.. He's abusing coke and he can't/ won't quit.. That's not early addiction my friend.. That's full blown addiction...
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Daisy, maybe he is the end all be all of functioning addicts. My XAB did not shoot up his coke around me. He hid it amazingly well. I honestly never knew til I caught him one night with a freash needle mark in his arm. Anyway I guess my point is from that moment on I knew that we could never really be together. I hung on for a good year and a half. I regret that. You do seem SO cavalier about the whole situation. I was physically ill the night I found out he was a junkie. Just the fact that it is illegal (and I'm no prude) and was not the type of world I wanted to be involved in. Why do you? I understand love. I understand wanting to be there for someone. I also understand lies, broken promises, manipulation, deceit, inconsistant behavior, missed holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, drained bank accounts, verbal abuse, sexual disfunction,rage and the list goes on. It progresses. I know more about addiction then I ever thought I would need to know. Please keep reading here because you have a lot to learn. I dont mean that snarky either. Best of luck.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Hey Daisy,
I am really glad you have other stuff going on, too. Like curtains, and sewing! (I should be an expert given my Mom is just amazing on a sewing machine but I've never taken the time to learn.)
It just seemed like the focus here was completely on him in that particular 6:37PM post. Not even on your relationship with him, not at all on you just completely HIM. I mean, you are here because of him so it makes some sense to focus on what he is doing but...
(and this is all just my own impression.)
...well, you don't seem as angry or upset about the fact that there were drugs in your house as most people would be. I'm not talking about how I think you should feel toward him, that's not the point. But frankly, if I found coke in my house I would be freaking out, no matter who brought it. This is coming from a woman that has cleaned up a house previously inhabited by IV drug users without batting much of an eye. In my house? Very different situation.
However, I am aware that you likely have lots of things going through your head that you are not posting here. I always do! But the whole scenario reminded me of something I read about living in chaos: our brains literally begin to change so that what is completely abnormal and even terrifying begins to seem not so bad and even normal. It's a coping mechanism. I will try to find the article. You aren't in the midst of chaos at this point, but after a day your writing just left me with the impression that what was a very big deal 24 hours before had become something you may have already accepted as par for the course. It just made me think ...hmmm... maybe Daisy is experiencing that. I know I did, which is why even laugh I even today about some of the bizarre and really disturbing things that have happened.
I definitely understand what you are saying about the experiences being shared here. Most of us have been through stuff that hasn't started happening with him yet. Your perspective is not the same as ours. I know what CAN happen but don't know what WILL happen and I think you are a smart woman with a good head on your shoulders.
It's tough to have a thread full of advice being given. You have to go through what you are going through and make your own decisions though. Lots of what you read here will be useful, some may not be for you, but will for the next person that comes along and reads it. We've all got different rows to hoe.
I'm glad you are here on SR. Please don't feel like you have to explain or defend yourself at all. But please do keep reading all of the ES&H that people share here so that if you find things getting worse you will have some great tools to recognize it and mitigate.
Peace,
Hanna
I am really glad you have other stuff going on, too. Like curtains, and sewing! (I should be an expert given my Mom is just amazing on a sewing machine but I've never taken the time to learn.)
It just seemed like the focus here was completely on him in that particular 6:37PM post. Not even on your relationship with him, not at all on you just completely HIM. I mean, you are here because of him so it makes some sense to focus on what he is doing but...
(and this is all just my own impression.)
...well, you don't seem as angry or upset about the fact that there were drugs in your house as most people would be. I'm not talking about how I think you should feel toward him, that's not the point. But frankly, if I found coke in my house I would be freaking out, no matter who brought it. This is coming from a woman that has cleaned up a house previously inhabited by IV drug users without batting much of an eye. In my house? Very different situation.
However, I am aware that you likely have lots of things going through your head that you are not posting here. I always do! But the whole scenario reminded me of something I read about living in chaos: our brains literally begin to change so that what is completely abnormal and even terrifying begins to seem not so bad and even normal. It's a coping mechanism. I will try to find the article. You aren't in the midst of chaos at this point, but after a day your writing just left me with the impression that what was a very big deal 24 hours before had become something you may have already accepted as par for the course. It just made me think ...hmmm... maybe Daisy is experiencing that. I know I did, which is why even laugh I even today about some of the bizarre and really disturbing things that have happened.
I definitely understand what you are saying about the experiences being shared here. Most of us have been through stuff that hasn't started happening with him yet. Your perspective is not the same as ours. I know what CAN happen but don't know what WILL happen and I think you are a smart woman with a good head on your shoulders.
It's tough to have a thread full of advice being given. You have to go through what you are going through and make your own decisions though. Lots of what you read here will be useful, some may not be for you, but will for the next person that comes along and reads it. We've all got different rows to hoe.
I'm glad you are here on SR. Please don't feel like you have to explain or defend yourself at all. But please do keep reading all of the ES&H that people share here so that if you find things getting worse you will have some great tools to recognize it and mitigate.
Peace,
Hanna
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by shinebright7
Hi DaisyDoc -
My husband is not a full blown raging daily addict on heroin, crack, cocaine or daily drinking. He doesn't disappear for days or weeks at a time to where I"m wondering if he's laying in a gutter somewhere.
My husband's addiction shows up like things are fine and we're working, paying our bills, enjoying our lives, laughing, making plans, having friends over, doing things in our community...
And then at some point, he starts using something. Pot. Pills. Drinking. And he hides it. And he lies to me. And then I find out. And then all hell breaks loose.
I don't have to worry about how he behaves in front of others either. Heck, I can't even tell when he's using except for this last bender which made it obvious to me because this time he mixed the pills and the drinking while he was partying with his cousin.
Usually, when he uses, he pops a pill that he found or has some pot and I can't even detect a difference in his behavior. And believe me I have felt even more stupid for not realizing that he was high on a pain pill or something. But he is good at hiding it out of necessity -- that's what an addict does -- and he of course lies about it and sneaks around really well too.
But it always comes out at some point. I catch something he left, or realized he took my Rx pills. He then confesses and we get into it. And round and round it has gone since the time we got married this summer.
Just wanted to you to know that I get the situation of having an addicted husband who is functional and wonderful and trustworthy when they are not using.
They are still addicts.
And I am SO GRATEFUL to have realized this in the early stages of the addiction because I am learning it a PROGRESSIVE disease and will only get worse. Not better.
I'm doing all this stuff for myself because I'm in the fairly beginning stages and do not want to let myself wind up a story where I've been married for 17 years and I'm still dealing with the same old crap. Now is the time for me to do something about it.
My husband is not a full blown raging daily addict on heroin, crack, cocaine or daily drinking. He doesn't disappear for days or weeks at a time to where I"m wondering if he's laying in a gutter somewhere.
My husband's addiction shows up like things are fine and we're working, paying our bills, enjoying our lives, laughing, making plans, having friends over, doing things in our community...
And then at some point, he starts using something. Pot. Pills. Drinking. And he hides it. And he lies to me. And then I find out. And then all hell breaks loose.
I don't have to worry about how he behaves in front of others either. Heck, I can't even tell when he's using except for this last bender which made it obvious to me because this time he mixed the pills and the drinking while he was partying with his cousin.
Usually, when he uses, he pops a pill that he found or has some pot and I can't even detect a difference in his behavior. And believe me I have felt even more stupid for not realizing that he was high on a pain pill or something. But he is good at hiding it out of necessity -- that's what an addict does -- and he of course lies about it and sneaks around really well too.
But it always comes out at some point. I catch something he left, or realized he took my Rx pills. He then confesses and we get into it. And round and round it has gone since the time we got married this summer.
Just wanted to you to know that I get the situation of having an addicted husband who is functional and wonderful and trustworthy when they are not using.
They are still addicts.
And I am SO GRATEFUL to have realized this in the early stages of the addiction because I am learning it a PROGRESSIVE disease and will only get worse. Not better.
I'm doing all this stuff for myself because I'm in the fairly beginning stages and do not want to let myself wind up a story where I've been married for 17 years and I'm still dealing with the same old crap. Now is the time for me to do something about it.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Part of the reason I talk about him is also because people are posting and talking about him.
Its part of being "adorable!" lol
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"Part of the reason I talk about him is also because people are posting and talking about him. I mean in response to “he is not done”. Ok , If he is not done using, then he is not done. I wasn’t trying to make him stop in the first place. He came up with that idea all on his own. Our relationship was doing fine while he was using. I think some people dont understand what it is like to live with a highly functional person in addiction. You dont see their addiction except very rarely and as a person he still has all those good qualities of things like, calling when he says he will, not going on partying, being able to rely on him, having him be thoughtful, there is no stealing because he has a job, a home, pays his bills, no worry how is behavior will be in front of the parents, and he has lied about the drugs, but in everyday actions not related to drugs I can verify forward and back that he is being honest and truthful about things. It doesnt seem like very many people here have involvement with people that are in early addiction/functional and maybe that is why you cant understand exactly. "
I am sure it is, it would appear, according to you, most of us here, don't have a clue about early, in between or late stage addiction, actully, I just post here to pass the time of day, I know nothing.
I am sure it is, it would appear, according to you, most of us here, don't have a clue about early, in between or late stage addiction, actully, I just post here to pass the time of day, I know nothing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by shinebright7
Hi DaisyDoc -
My husband is not a full blown raging daily addict on heroin, crack, cocaine or daily drinking. He doesn't disappear for days or weeks at a time to where I"m wondering if he's laying in a gutter somewhere.
My husband's addiction shows up like things are fine and we're working, paying our bills, enjoying our lives, laughing, making plans, having friends over, doing things in our community...
And then at some point, he starts using something. Pot. Pills. Drinking. And he hides it. And he lies to me. And then I find out. And then all hell breaks loose.
I don't have to worry about how he behaves in front of others either. Heck, I can't even tell when he's using except for this last bender which made it obvious to me because this time he mixed the pills and the drinking while he was partying with his cousin.
Usually, when he uses, he pops a pill that he found or has some pot and I can't even detect a difference in his behavior. And believe me I have felt even more stupid for not realizing that he was high on a pain pill or something. But he is good at hiding it out of necessity -- that's what an addict does -- and he of course lies about it and sneaks around really well too.
But it always comes out at some point. I catch something he left, or realized he took my Rx pills. He then confesses and we get into it. And round and round it has gone since the time we got married this summer.
Just wanted to you to know that I get the situation of having an addicted husband who is functional and wonderful and trustworthy when they are not using.
They are still addicts.
And I am SO GRATEFUL to have realized this in the early stages of the addiction because I am learning it a PROGRESSIVE disease and will only get worse. Not better.
I'm doing all this stuff for myself because I'm in the fairly beginning stages and do not want to let myself wind up a story where I've been married for 17 years and I'm still dealing with the same old crap. Now is the time for me to do something about it.
My husband is not a full blown raging daily addict on heroin, crack, cocaine or daily drinking. He doesn't disappear for days or weeks at a time to where I"m wondering if he's laying in a gutter somewhere.
My husband's addiction shows up like things are fine and we're working, paying our bills, enjoying our lives, laughing, making plans, having friends over, doing things in our community...
And then at some point, he starts using something. Pot. Pills. Drinking. And he hides it. And he lies to me. And then I find out. And then all hell breaks loose.
I don't have to worry about how he behaves in front of others either. Heck, I can't even tell when he's using except for this last bender which made it obvious to me because this time he mixed the pills and the drinking while he was partying with his cousin.
Usually, when he uses, he pops a pill that he found or has some pot and I can't even detect a difference in his behavior. And believe me I have felt even more stupid for not realizing that he was high on a pain pill or something. But he is good at hiding it out of necessity -- that's what an addict does -- and he of course lies about it and sneaks around really well too.
But it always comes out at some point. I catch something he left, or realized he took my Rx pills. He then confesses and we get into it. And round and round it has gone since the time we got married this summer.
Just wanted to you to know that I get the situation of having an addicted husband who is functional and wonderful and trustworthy when they are not using.
They are still addicts.
And I am SO GRATEFUL to have realized this in the early stages of the addiction because I am learning it a PROGRESSIVE disease and will only get worse. Not better.
I'm doing all this stuff for myself because I'm in the fairly beginning stages and do not want to let myself wind up a story where I've been married for 17 years and I'm still dealing with the same old crap. Now is the time for me to do something about it.
Thank you for your post, and yes what your saying is close to my experience except my boyfriend has never had those cycles where things explode YET. I have learned the more I read that this is progressive, and I don't mean to make people think I'm some carefree shallow person who has not been concerned for his health, or his future, or MINE if I stay with him. I've had lots of conversations with him since I found out over a year ago. But Ive not become obsessive about it, or let codependency take over my life thinking I could fix him if he wasn't ready. I haven’t tried to force him to stop, but he voluntarily reached out for help on his own with the addiction doctor a month ago. I feel sort of like you did Shinebright when you were commenting on your husband voluntarily going to a meeting and enjoying it. It is a huge step for my boyfriend and I feel like no one here is acknowledging he is making an effort. And people dont seem to acknowledge it when I say I see early signs of change in him. Ive found all your threads on the forum very helpful. And it helps me to see another person starting to set boundaries and watch how they do it, and how that will change their situation. I am also thinking of boundaries right now and how to put them in place. So thank you, and I will be following your threads.
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