New beginning or the end?
 

I will be returning home Thursday evening and I am not sure how I feel about it. My sister wanted me to come stay at her ocean front home for a couple of weeks to gain more clarity. I can't, I need to get home. I didn't know I would be gone this long and left many lose ends. To makes matters worse, I broke a molar and need to see my dentist. This was a great get a way but its time for me to return to my real world. I can always go there anytime if I need or want to.

I am kind of surprised because after I booked my ticket, I became pretty anxious. It's not a feeling of dread, just a feeling of anxiety of the unknown.

As some may know, my husband has struggled with staying clean so he got the Vivitrol shot last Friday. He was very sick the first few days but says his mind is clear, no cravings, and feels much better then when he used suboxone. (Just his experience). He says his compulsive thinking is virtually gone.

He is surprisingly very in tune to my feelings. He knows that I have mixed feelings about coming home and am ambivalent about staying together. He sees the shot, along with therapy and NA as a chance to repair and rebuild our marriage. I am not sure that I do.

In some strange way, I feel like I am going home to a stranger and am almost scared I may not like him anymore. I mentioned the possibility of separation for a while so we could both really work on ourselves, he did not like that idea and asked for a month's chance before I made any decisions. I agreed but I am not sure why I did. I haven't been able to process or determine why I said yes. I am sure fear, obligation and guilt played a factor but there is more to it.

In a way, I am simply curious. I am still curious about who he truly is! Prince Charming or a selfish jerk??? I have enough knowledge now to know that drugs are just a symptom. I am almost scared Prince Charming was the one on pills and not the real man. I am strong enough now to know I won't stay if that is the case. So I guess I am wondering...is this a new beginning or the end??? As it is said, more will be revealed!

Please feel free to share any thoughts. :)

Yes, LMN, it is unsettling how little we know, sometimes, the partner we thought we were most intimately connected with.

We sometimes hear others say that past behavior predicts future behavior, but that is not the right approach for me. I thank God no one assumes that of me, for I am very very different from the person I was even just two years ago.

And we sometimes hear others say that when someone shows you who he is, believe him. But that doesn't work for me, either. Because in my life experience, I can say that there have been periods of time when I behaved quite differently from my more standard self, and I have witnessed friends do the same, and sometimes we went through periods of being just crazy or deluded or angry or rebellious or indifferent or selfish. And they were passing phases--months or a couple of years-- those times did not define us. The energies passed through us, affected our personalities and decisions, and then moved on. If someone had said that my behavior, for example in 2005, was a predictor of future behavior, well, they'd just be plain wrong. I was off the charts crazy for several months that year. But I'm not now.

But I do think that unless we consciously evaluate our motives and our deep unknowns which are trying to make the way to the top, then I think we will know so little of who we are that we will not even know how to share ourselves in close relationship with anyone, and everything we are running from in ourselves will get projected--blamed--onto the partner. That's what addicts do every day. But we can also do that, if we don't get healthy.

Addicts run from themselves. They do it for years. Then they get clean and they think they are ready for relating. But they aren't. If they want to be, they have to do the work. They can't just say, "But baby, I love you, let's move back in......" They have to do the work. That means counseling with a therapist or a pastor or working on the self in a Step-Study group or having the courage to live life on their own, using no one as a crutch or a safety net and for maybe one year being solitary and self-sufficient and sober as a whistle. No one to blame. No one to exploit. No one to run to. Drugs are a mother. Drugs are a womb. And addicts who get clean need to learn to stand on their own. And that is so hard when they have an anxious, hypervigilant codependent hovering in the other corner of the room.

All I can share is that I know from experience that being on one's own for a while and making one's own way, having one's own friendships, one's own hammer and screwdriver and cat, is actually an amazing way of becoming ready for partnership. I never would have believed it, never would have chosen it. It can be lonely. But having walked away from an unhealthy relationship I could have forced by sheer will and betrayal of self to continue, I have to say I am finally not afraid of being abandoned again. And that fear is what kept me hanging on to men, thinking it was love.

So I'm glad the time away for you was good. And just want to wish you the best with whatever is upcoming. And to reassure you that if you don't know what you want, it's okay not to make any promises until you do.

Here is the real kicker......I was with my husband for 5 yrs before we got married. It was my first marriage. I wasn't big on marriage back then and kind of thought if it's not broke.... But when we got custody of my kids, I wanted us all to be a family with the same last names and set the right example. I also started to reconnect with God and started to feel differently about marriage.

During the custody case, my husband had to jump through hoops as we had a known "mother's judge." He took random hair follicle drug tests, 20 hrs of therapy, parenting classes and did an extensive psych evaluation that had him to a TEE. We requested this of the bio mother so the judge ordered the same for both.

I really thought I had covered all my basis and was very confident I chose the right man to marry. WT heck....and he became an addict? Geez, is anyone safe? :gaah

EnglishGarden- your post really hit me so thanks for this thread LMN. Woah. Will write more soon but need to sleep on that one.

As I start to think about going home, my "OCD" about my home is really kicking in. The clean lady is coming on Thursday so I should be more relaxed but I am not. I even gave her a few extras to do and I never do that.

I keep thinking of all the things I need to do when I get home. Bath dogs, pay bills, unpack, laundry, etc. And I know it's hard to enjoy today when I am needlessly anxious about tomorrow.

I try to talk to myself about living for today, being in the now, be anxious for nothing...but I still feel anxious! I know that my need for "things" to be in order and clean is about my control issues. I just don't know how to stop it. I can not control my need to control! Ughhhh!!

Just take it day by day, and be true to yourself.

I thought my xah was going to be an amazing father. He worked with kids, and they loved him. He was such a kind person. When myy life exploded and it got to the point I couldn't trust him any longer I couldn't believe it. I still believe I have a strong intuition about people, but I think he changed. He never grew up. Who knows.

Anxiety is something I have always had. I have felt less since I have been divorced, but during and months after the divorce if my phone rang I would get butterflies. On the way home today I was stressing about someting so small. On the way to work this morning I was doing the same thing. I sometimes wonder if I don't know anything but the feeling of anxiety. I have started to see it, and then stop it. Both times I turned my worries into something positive and reminded myself how small they were. I let them go. I also asked myself, if I wasn't worried about this, then what would I have to worry about? Anxiety is really hard to control. Chores will get done. Your husband loves you and wants to try. You are safe. Maybe it won't work with him, and that is ok too. No mater what, you really will be ok because you are a strong woman.

Also, I know yoga has really helped with my anxiety. Do you exercise?

Positive thoughts! Hang in there!

This is a stressful time for you with your father so sick. Are you thinking this is the last time you'll see him? I think sometimes it is ok to feel anxious. you don't have to push that feeling out. I know it feels awful. Sometimes you need to feel it so that you can move on. I get a lot of anxiety, but the meditation I do says to focus on all the feelings you have--the feelings of pressure, tightness in the chest, tight shoulders, etc. Feel it all, but without judging the feeling as bad or wrong.

You can only do one thing at a time. You don't have to have the feeling of pressure to get those things done. What's first? Make your goodbyes, and enjoy your trip home all the things you want to do will still be there whether you worry about them or not.

It's hard, but you can't protect yourself from all possibilities. It's just one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Maybe making a plan for some "me" time when you get home will help. A day at a spa or joining an interest group or finding a new hobby...something that will be all about you and take you and your mind away from your troubles.

Just as our minds clear when we go away and relax and find peace, they can remain clear at home if we take very good care to relax and find peace there too.

However this unfolds, LMN, we're walking with you. I hope you have happier days ahead.

Hugs

Trust yourself.

It will all roll out.

It's going to be okay.

........what Katiekate said......

Whatever is going to happen.....will happen.......one day at a time. And no matter what happens, you have friends here who are walking right next to you.

gentle hugs
ke