Blessings wrapped in strange packages
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Posts: 468
Blessings wrapped in strange packages
The last time I wrote about my situation was last Fall.
I had given my husband one year to seek help and take steps to overcome his vicodin addiction and the last time I wrote about that was when the one year was over. I didn't initially tell him that I was giving him a year....just in my head...I committed to that time for myself. I needed that time to be sure....and I am.
Since last Fall, I have asked him to move out many times and he refuses. I had a consultation with an attorney at the beginning of the one year and several times since....who has informed me that I cannot make him move out.
Lovely....
So we have been living in the same house with almost zero communication which continued thru Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.
I moved out of the master bedroom to the guest room last May and have never slept better.
I have been systematically cleaning up the house to put it up for sale, packing up my things and putting them in a storage unit and I had long since put my valuables in a safety deposit box at the bank and protected funds by moving them to an account only in my name and moving some other funds to a bank account in my mom's name with me as a secondary.
I had workmen at my house touching up paint, powerwashing the walkways, etc. moving forward while also running my 2 businesses with no help from him at all.
The morning of Feb 12th I talked to my mom who had been decorating for a Fat Tuesday Mardi Gras party that would be that night. She also made cupcakes and she sounded great. We talked about the progress on putting the house up for sale and I told her that I had been to the dentist and the dentist wanted to know WTH was going on with me....I had 2 teeth on the top right that had severe decay under the crowns and no other problems with any other teeth.
I said "I don't understand?" He told me that isolated significant decay within 6 months to a year is a sign that the PH in my mouth had changed and that is usually due to stress. Cost would run about $2,000 out of my pocket after the insurance pays.
Great.....I thought I was doing so well with handling this situation....evidently not. I was so pissed...but mostly at myself. My sweet mom said that she just wanted me to get out of the situation.
Later that afternoon my dad called to say that my mom had a heart attack and was on her way to the heart cath lab and that it was bad.
They winter down in Southern Texas. I live 5,000 miles away.
I immediately got on the computer and looked at flights. I could leave on the red eye at 10pm and be there by early afternoon the following day.
The flight priced out at over $1,000 one way.
I called a friend who used to work for the airlines and I was put on her buddy list for flight passes years ago but have never been able to take advantage of them because where I live is a huge vacation destination and you have to go standby on space available....and, well...there is rarely space available.
She told me the flights looked wide open and she logged me in for first class and I figured I would get bumped to coach. Not only did I get on all 3 flights...but I was also in first class for all 3 too. Blessing #1
When I arrived, my mom was still able to communicate a little bit with eye blinks and head nods. She was on a ventilator. They determined that she had pneumonia which caused her heart to work harder and made an artery collapse and that is what caused the heart attack.
They put in a balloon stent and sent her to CCU.
They couldn't get her blood pressure up and they couldn't get her pulse ox up and her white cell count was climbing by the minute. They showed me her chest xray from the night before when she was admitted and her chest xray for the next morning and it was bad.
I called my brother and sister and told them they need to come down NOW.
I had not slept at all the night before...worried...flying all night...etc.
I got on the internet and helped them get their tickets...they were leaving at 6am the next morning. It was midnight when I finally laid my head on the pillow in my mom's bed that still smelled like her. Blessing #2
At 3am the hospital called and we had to go back up. She was trying to leave us then. I told her my brother and sister were on their way. She was on max life support by this time. Sepsis had set in and her organs were shutting down.
My siblings arrived, my sister is a nurse....they spent some time with her and we made the heartbreaking decision to take her off life support.
She was gone in less than 2 minutes. Blessings #3 and #4 and maybe 5 depending on how you look at it.
My dad was diagnosed with macular degeneration and has lost about 70% of his eyesight. He had to give up his drivers license last summer and I came home to drive them down south back in October. I was confined in a vehicle with both of them for 2 solid days 1,250 miles. Another blessing
When we returned to their southern home...we were surrounded by the sweetest community of love, care and concern. Another blessing.
We would not have had this much love up north...because they are all down here!
I am here with my dad and will be here in this sweet place for at least another 2 weeks, then weather permitting...we will head north. From there, I will need to go thru her belongings with my siblings like we did down here and we will have a memorial service for her and private family burial.
The night I left....Vicodin boy decided to fire up a bowl of pot. He knew I was too busy packing and trying to get out on a moments notice to follow thru with my boundry that if I smelled pot in the house one more time...I would call the police.
While my mom was fighting for her life. He was smoking pot.
Since her death...he is so nice...offered to fly over and help drive dad up north.
Uh..yeah...right...like I want the 3 of us confined for 2 days 1,250 miles and a vicodin addicted pot head driving. No thank you.
His emails are full of platitudes and it's probably inappropriate...but I just laugh at the absurdity of it all.
He said that she was his family for 26 years too and I have no right to shut him out. EFF OFF A-HOLE is what I want to respond...but I don't.
I'm sure he is quite concerned at what this all means for him and I could give a flying rip and I mean it. LOL
I am in the sweetest place...with the sweetest people and I think these thoughts:
Although God wrapped this all up in a very unusual and painful package....I can see how he is working in my life to put me exactly where he wants me to be.
I know my mom didn't die to get me out of my situation with Vicodin boy....but honestly...sometimes it feels like that until I have a little talk via prayer with the big guy upstairs.
I do feel bad that my mom's real last words to me were "I just want you to get out of that situation...I worry about you and your health...it's just not worth it"
I miss my best friend...my mom. She died on Valentine's Day-6 days shy of her 72nd birthday. We had great fun over the years and she was a gem...the real deal.
Oh...and one more blessing....I went to their dentist...in Mexico no less....
and had those 2 teeth fixed and nice white veneers on all the teeth that show when I smile...for a fraction of the cost that it would have been back home for just those 2 teeth and no veneers. Their offices you could eat off the floor and they have better technology and equipment than my big hi-tech hollywood dentist at home. Then you walk outside and it looks like you are in the barrio...but I guess that's what they call Living...
I promised my dad that I would not drop him on his head....so I am looking for a larger place here that would make better sense to bring him down here and stay with him in the winter. The weather is almost as good as what I have at home...and the people are fabulous. In the summer I can stay at the main house and my siblings can help out.
I think it might be time for my sister in law and I to open that little shop we have been dreaming about for so long.
And 2 of my friends up north have businesses that they are dying to have me come and work with them.
I fall apart emotionally at the drop of a hat...but I can get 2 days in a row with no crying sometimes...and if not...I'm ok with it. I could not grieve like this for her if I were at home with Vicodin boy.....and that is a blessing that I am here and not there.
I find great joy in the memories....and I'm making alot different plans than I anticipated....
I really feel like I am living again.
And he's taking Vicodin and smoking pot.
Sorry this was so long....I just had to get a few things out there to people who understand.
I had given my husband one year to seek help and take steps to overcome his vicodin addiction and the last time I wrote about that was when the one year was over. I didn't initially tell him that I was giving him a year....just in my head...I committed to that time for myself. I needed that time to be sure....and I am.
Since last Fall, I have asked him to move out many times and he refuses. I had a consultation with an attorney at the beginning of the one year and several times since....who has informed me that I cannot make him move out.
Lovely....
So we have been living in the same house with almost zero communication which continued thru Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.
I moved out of the master bedroom to the guest room last May and have never slept better.
I have been systematically cleaning up the house to put it up for sale, packing up my things and putting them in a storage unit and I had long since put my valuables in a safety deposit box at the bank and protected funds by moving them to an account only in my name and moving some other funds to a bank account in my mom's name with me as a secondary.
I had workmen at my house touching up paint, powerwashing the walkways, etc. moving forward while also running my 2 businesses with no help from him at all.
The morning of Feb 12th I talked to my mom who had been decorating for a Fat Tuesday Mardi Gras party that would be that night. She also made cupcakes and she sounded great. We talked about the progress on putting the house up for sale and I told her that I had been to the dentist and the dentist wanted to know WTH was going on with me....I had 2 teeth on the top right that had severe decay under the crowns and no other problems with any other teeth.
I said "I don't understand?" He told me that isolated significant decay within 6 months to a year is a sign that the PH in my mouth had changed and that is usually due to stress. Cost would run about $2,000 out of my pocket after the insurance pays.
Great.....I thought I was doing so well with handling this situation....evidently not. I was so pissed...but mostly at myself. My sweet mom said that she just wanted me to get out of the situation.
Later that afternoon my dad called to say that my mom had a heart attack and was on her way to the heart cath lab and that it was bad.
They winter down in Southern Texas. I live 5,000 miles away.
I immediately got on the computer and looked at flights. I could leave on the red eye at 10pm and be there by early afternoon the following day.
The flight priced out at over $1,000 one way.
I called a friend who used to work for the airlines and I was put on her buddy list for flight passes years ago but have never been able to take advantage of them because where I live is a huge vacation destination and you have to go standby on space available....and, well...there is rarely space available.
She told me the flights looked wide open and she logged me in for first class and I figured I would get bumped to coach. Not only did I get on all 3 flights...but I was also in first class for all 3 too. Blessing #1
When I arrived, my mom was still able to communicate a little bit with eye blinks and head nods. She was on a ventilator. They determined that she had pneumonia which caused her heart to work harder and made an artery collapse and that is what caused the heart attack.
They put in a balloon stent and sent her to CCU.
They couldn't get her blood pressure up and they couldn't get her pulse ox up and her white cell count was climbing by the minute. They showed me her chest xray from the night before when she was admitted and her chest xray for the next morning and it was bad.
I called my brother and sister and told them they need to come down NOW.
I had not slept at all the night before...worried...flying all night...etc.
I got on the internet and helped them get their tickets...they were leaving at 6am the next morning. It was midnight when I finally laid my head on the pillow in my mom's bed that still smelled like her. Blessing #2
At 3am the hospital called and we had to go back up. She was trying to leave us then. I told her my brother and sister were on their way. She was on max life support by this time. Sepsis had set in and her organs were shutting down.
My siblings arrived, my sister is a nurse....they spent some time with her and we made the heartbreaking decision to take her off life support.
She was gone in less than 2 minutes. Blessings #3 and #4 and maybe 5 depending on how you look at it.
My dad was diagnosed with macular degeneration and has lost about 70% of his eyesight. He had to give up his drivers license last summer and I came home to drive them down south back in October. I was confined in a vehicle with both of them for 2 solid days 1,250 miles. Another blessing
When we returned to their southern home...we were surrounded by the sweetest community of love, care and concern. Another blessing.
We would not have had this much love up north...because they are all down here!
I am here with my dad and will be here in this sweet place for at least another 2 weeks, then weather permitting...we will head north. From there, I will need to go thru her belongings with my siblings like we did down here and we will have a memorial service for her and private family burial.
The night I left....Vicodin boy decided to fire up a bowl of pot. He knew I was too busy packing and trying to get out on a moments notice to follow thru with my boundry that if I smelled pot in the house one more time...I would call the police.
While my mom was fighting for her life. He was smoking pot.
Since her death...he is so nice...offered to fly over and help drive dad up north.
Uh..yeah...right...like I want the 3 of us confined for 2 days 1,250 miles and a vicodin addicted pot head driving. No thank you.
His emails are full of platitudes and it's probably inappropriate...but I just laugh at the absurdity of it all.
He said that she was his family for 26 years too and I have no right to shut him out. EFF OFF A-HOLE is what I want to respond...but I don't.
I'm sure he is quite concerned at what this all means for him and I could give a flying rip and I mean it. LOL
I am in the sweetest place...with the sweetest people and I think these thoughts:
Although God wrapped this all up in a very unusual and painful package....I can see how he is working in my life to put me exactly where he wants me to be.
I know my mom didn't die to get me out of my situation with Vicodin boy....but honestly...sometimes it feels like that until I have a little talk via prayer with the big guy upstairs.
I do feel bad that my mom's real last words to me were "I just want you to get out of that situation...I worry about you and your health...it's just not worth it"
I miss my best friend...my mom. She died on Valentine's Day-6 days shy of her 72nd birthday. We had great fun over the years and she was a gem...the real deal.
Oh...and one more blessing....I went to their dentist...in Mexico no less....
and had those 2 teeth fixed and nice white veneers on all the teeth that show when I smile...for a fraction of the cost that it would have been back home for just those 2 teeth and no veneers. Their offices you could eat off the floor and they have better technology and equipment than my big hi-tech hollywood dentist at home. Then you walk outside and it looks like you are in the barrio...but I guess that's what they call Living...
I promised my dad that I would not drop him on his head....so I am looking for a larger place here that would make better sense to bring him down here and stay with him in the winter. The weather is almost as good as what I have at home...and the people are fabulous. In the summer I can stay at the main house and my siblings can help out.
I think it might be time for my sister in law and I to open that little shop we have been dreaming about for so long.
And 2 of my friends up north have businesses that they are dying to have me come and work with them.
I fall apart emotionally at the drop of a hat...but I can get 2 days in a row with no crying sometimes...and if not...I'm ok with it. I could not grieve like this for her if I were at home with Vicodin boy.....and that is a blessing that I am here and not there.
I find great joy in the memories....and I'm making alot different plans than I anticipated....
I really feel like I am living again.
And he's taking Vicodin and smoking pot.
Sorry this was so long....I just had to get a few things out there to people who understand.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
I love that you see things positively. Sometimes we forget to count our blessings and only focus on the negative things. I am struggling with looking on the positive side of things but after reading your post I am going try a little harder. Thank you. Bless your mom.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Cool quote....
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments."
- Elizabeth Gilbert
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments."
- Elizabeth Gilbert
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Yearforme
That was a poignant update. Full of joy and sorrow, strength and commitment and lots of love. Your parents raised a very special daughter who evolved into a strong, independent, amazing woman.
I am so very sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Losing a parent is very difficult. It's wonderful that you could be with her as she moved into her next journey.
Keep recognizing those gifts and blessings. You're going to be ok.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle gentle hugs
ke
That was a poignant update. Full of joy and sorrow, strength and commitment and lots of love. Your parents raised a very special daughter who evolved into a strong, independent, amazing woman.
I am so very sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Losing a parent is very difficult. It's wonderful that you could be with her as she moved into her next journey.
Keep recognizing those gifts and blessings. You're going to be ok.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle gentle hugs
ke
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