horriblethisis

So, after 25 years of marriage, I left. It's been about 3 weeks that I have been gone...got my own apartment, and doing it on my own until he moves that mountain to get me back. We have been going to church on Sundays and spending at least a few hours a week together talking. I am beginning to have faith that he is slowly going to crawl out from his rock bottom, as he realizes what he will lose if he does not get the help he needs for his various additions (opiates...supposedly clean for 8 months)...and gamling and lying. It is so very difficult for me to regain that trust. He is determined to "make it right", and man-up for the family. I have faith in these words, and now actually beginning to see some "actions"...for once! Just sayin...this may turn out to be a good thing after all. I have decided that I will stay in my own place for at least 6 months or longer, so that I don't take my guard down too soon. I chose this man to "grow old with", and I have decided that I still want that, but praying that he will do the right thing in order to make this happen. In the meantime, I am enjoying my own recovery, and learning to love me again without the enabler stigma. He is very charasmatic, and says all the right things...I just have to remain strong and determined not to let him hurt me again. I sent the message loud and clear when he came home that day and his son (20) and I were gone! Yup, mountains will need to be moved, but here's hoping he can do it. Wish me luck! Hugs to all!

AnvilheadII

i'd caution you to think YOU put him in his rock bottom....that implies YOU have control over his addiction and YOU are in control of his recovery.

is that true? in the 3 WEEKS since you moved out, what has really CHANGED? what actions are you seeing on a consistent basis during the past 21 days that gives you this sense of power?

MsPINKAcres

Welcome to our SR family

In my recovery journey I have learned many things about the disease of alcoholism & addiction ~ one of the main things was I was powerless over people and their disease

and
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
and
I can't cure it

Please keep reaching out for help for you, there is much to be learned about this awful disease and how it affects families - maybe not only reading information here, but maybe attending some recovery meetings to see how cunning, baffling and powerful this battle can be for the addict and the family

Yes, changes can happen, but it is a long uphill battle ~

wishing you & yours the very best

PINK HUGS

CrossFox

Horriblethisis, congratulations on getting help and finding a new place. I agree with where AnvilheadII is going. Seperating yourself from your destructive addictive husband is for you and your son's (his son's) sake.

I'm sure you understand this, but your husband might not seek help at all and might not get sober for years to come, if at all. I hope he does.

Hanna

Glad you are doing okay! I was wondering about you yesterday.

Has he stopped the incessant calling? Sounds like he calmed down!

AnvilheadII

that's right, i forgot that on Feb 25th you were asking if you needed a RESTRAINING ORDER against his incessant attempts to contact you. in fact that was LAST Monday.....

what's changed? is it really HIM, or just your fantasy thinking?

LoveMeNow

It wasn't long after I made my husband move out that I found SR. I watched him spiral down quickly and become someone I didn't even know. He knew I was working on me, seeing a therapist and going to Alanon. The more detached I became, the more he claimed to wanted recovery.

I was cautioned to sit back and wait. But I couldn't, I grabbed on to the first glimpse of hope I had prayed for.

I remember being told that his wanting to come home and reconcile so badly was cause for concern. I didn't understand! I kept asking why because I thought it was a good sign. It was explained to me that if he could gets things back to "normal" - he could protect his addiction even more by thinking "see, it's not that bad."

I caution you to sit back and watch. Hope is a great thing but can be watched from a distance too. Just sharing my experience, take what you want and leave the rest!

Carlotta

Unfortunately, losing one spouse is not "rock bottom" for many alcoholics.
Worst things could happen to him yet.
Keep taking care of yourself and hopefully he will get "it" but then there is also a big chance he won't. It's really up to him.

shinebright7

Love me now --- thank you for your post.


I am thinking about this bc now that my husband is not using we are getting closer again. I am letting myself love him again but I am also more surrendered and not trying to control him -- practicing step one!

He is taking care of his mom and i don't know we he's coming back, but I see of course that he would like to remain in our status quo when he comes back.

I did not set up an ultimatum with him about coming home and what will/won't happen as right now it is not coming to me from my higher power to try to control him that way.

I will be being mindful that I am respected and feel safe at all times when he comes back and since I am learning to be less codependent and more surrendered, I trust that I am going to be better able to advocate for myself as we move forward.

One day at a time!

horriblethisis

Thanks to all who wrote me some perspective here...this is very difficult, but I think his "sweet talk" was what was winning me over. Thank you for reminding me that I do in fact have to be "cautious". He said he was calling me so much that time because he was feeling horrible about losing me...I have to remind myself to remain strong.

allforcnm

I will wish you both luck, and also caution you that it is early and to be watchful.
I just made a post on another thread that might be of interest to you. It has to do with the approach of "positive reinforcement". I will attach a link to it, and wont repost here as it was kinda long....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...abling-2.html?

KittenBoo

These words were a huuuuge red flag in my mind. It sounds like you are not really doing this for you and your health and are just waiting on him one more time.

When will the waiting on him end?

When it comes to alcoholics/substance abusers, probably never.

Sweet talk- they're ALL filled to the brim with it. In fact they should all mow over Tony Robbins and start their own seminars on Unleash the Sweet Talking Bullsh*t Within!

Ok, enough of my jokes, this is serious and I am not trying to mock you in any way. But truly, why are you waiting for yet another day, another time, another lie, another 'truth', another (fill in the blank).

All this happens as life passes by and you don't live it because you wait for him to wake up, realize, make up, etc. Just don't wait yourself into your grave is all. Good luck with it all.

ShootingStar1

horriblethisis, I left my abusive AH of 20 years last July 4th. He never did really change, but he did create a rollercoaster of emotions for me by reaching out and drawing me back, then criticizing me and blaming me, then getting very angry with me, then wanting me back again.

I went back and looked at your threads, and since you started posting at the beginning of February, you seem to have had a change of heart about your husband's behavior, for better or for worse, every two or three days. It seems that your own feelings are very volatile, which is not unusual. Certainly was how I felt.

For me, it took a long time and lot of very blunt advice from folks here on SR for me to understand that I just couldn't stop seeing my life through his lens. It took a lot of processing for me to begin to think for myself, to stand back and see what was actually happening. And now that I do, I am appalled that I stayed for almost 20 years. It was so bad, unbelievably bad, and I couldn't recognize it because I was so deep into it. I recently saw the movie Flight where Denzel Washington plays an alcoholic husband, and I actually thought it was quite a mild portrayal of alcoholism. I am thinking that instead, that says more about how bad my situation was and how brain-washed I'd become.

My husband added a nasty porn addiction to his abusive alcoholism. Now, 8 months after filing for divorce, it is coming out that he appears to have gambled with a lot of money, including my retirement funds.

So, take care of yourself first. Get your lawyer on the stick to have your financial accounts protected. I think I got caught (if this is confirmed) because my AH had changed the investments to very risky ones before I filed for divorce. He adhered to the Judge's requirement not to make major changes - - only problem is that I didn't know that the accounts were left losing money, not neutral. You've called him a pathological liar; remember that, and do what your head tells you to do, not what your heart says.

I wouldn't hold my breath until you've been through lots of months and see what his long term pattern is. Even if you get divorced, 2 or 3 years later if he makes a full recovery, you can re-connect. The emotional and financial damage in the meantime can be huge if you don't contain.

Concentrating on you and your own recovery is probably the best and most realistic way to go. Just my thoughts, take what you want and leave the rest.

ShootingStar1

horriblethisis

Thank you all for setting me on the right path again...he is trying to draw me back, and I was falling for it...thanks again for all of your insight!! Hugs!