shinebright7

After reading some of stickies up there this morning and I feel like I am in a way worse situation that I thought I was.

I recognized myself and my situation in so many of the articles up there and now I'm kinda freaking myself out about it.

Don't get me wrong, when everything hit the fan two weeks ago and I realized my husband was an addict I was in crisis panic mode and life was a nightmare.

But now that I've been going to meetings for a while and I am practicing step 1 and feeling more surrendered...

I also feel like an IDIOT realizing how codependent I am.

I am seeing (as I look at past relationships also) how intimate relationships bring out the worst in me and make me lose myself totally.

I'm seeing how I'm slowing being snuffed out in terms of my vibrancy of life because not only am I in an intimate relationship, (which I have a track record of self-neglect and codependency in) but I am also now married to someone I just discovered is an addict and it's triggering all my worst features and relationship issues.

OMG. This is eye-opening humbling and crappy.

GardenMama

Try not to judge yourself too harshly. It is a lot of work to let these big realizations sink in to our psyches. Be patient with yourself. Step 1 is one of the hardest, and yet also the most motivating and powerful once you surrender.

Take care. Do something special and soothing just for yourself today.

AnvilheadII

well hon, it's GOOD that you ARE seeing yourself in some of the stickies. see there is a path out of the madness and it starts with:

AWARENESS

now nobody said this was an easy step, by any means. reality can feel like a very cold, dark place - like being dumped onto Antarctica wearing nothing but shorts and a t-shirt.

but if you keep moving towards the "light" the chill will subside. and you will find ACCEPTANCE: regardless of how I feel about it, IT IS WHAT IT IS.

if you stay the course, keep up with meetings and readings, you will gain the strength to move into ACTION. whatever that action looks like for YOU.

a life of addiction sux. but it does not HAVE to be YOUR life.

LoveMeNow

I can really relate to the feeling like an idiot!! The great part is, the more I learn, the more I was change! Sometimes, I still struggle with my own recovery but when I feel a breakthrough, I really get excited and motivated again.

It's hard work but can be really exciting too. One of the best things I read here was "healthy attracts healthy, sick attracts sick!" It was so true and it really motivated me to get healthy, not just for my marriage but with all my relationships....and most importantly I needed it for me!

Keep reading and posting, it really helps. Also, Cynical One has a blog filled with great information to read as well!

shinebright7

Thank you so much. I took a break today and went to the park and built a little mini snowman! It made me smile and I also went for a walk off the trail in the untouched snow. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch in my boots. It was so much fun and was very healing and nourishing.

Then I got a piece of pizza from Whole Foods! I hardly ever eat pizza so that was super fun too.

I am looking forward to going to a meeting tonight and will keep being gentle with myself. Thank you. I need that reminder. xo

shinebright7

You're right, the more I learn the more I can change and I can't change if I don't know what's not working within myself. I am up for the challenge!

How do I find Cynical's blog?

shinebright7

Yeah very good point, thank you. I have to be aware of what's not working. And I definitely do want to keep moving toward the LIGHT. yes please!!!!

I know I have to be patient and not try to jump into Action before I experience the Acceptance part. Just was talking about with some ladies at a meeting on Friday. So your post is a great reminder of that. Thank you. xo

LoveMeNow

The search button is at the top right. Type her name in the blog box!

shinebright7

Some examples of my codependency:

- I jump into to help my husband with things he could do on his own when he's not using because I want him to see that when he's not using I'm more willing to be nice and help him.

- I baby him when he's not using. I ask him if he's eaten. I say things like, "Now that you've done that thing on the computer you can start getting ready for bed, right?" As if he were 6 years old.

- As soon as he has a computer issue I jump in to fix it so he doesn't get frustrated. This prevents him from ever learning anything on his own.

- I feel like a mom taking care of a depressed 13 year old.

- I use his difficult childhood as an excuse for why he needs my doting and nurturing now. He didn't get it then, so he needs it now. It's my job to fill that hurt in his heart and past (and no, it is NOT working!) No matter how sweet I am, he continues to be in pain and cave into his addiction. He's done it his whole life. Nothing I can say or do will make him feel whole and happy in that way.

- I baby him. I can't say more about this right now -- it's just really a feeling in the way I relate to him. But there's a feeling sorry for him and being compassionate to the way he lives his life and sees life that makes me want to baby him. Save him. Rescue him. Make it all better.

AND I CAN NOT.

I can not heal what is hurt in my husband. He is an addict and the solution is a SPIRITUAL SOLUTION.

Mmmmm this stuff is starting to sink in more. Grateful.

DesertEyes

Here you go

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/

Mike

EverHopeful721

Shinebright, I see so much of myself in these examples of codependency. I've done all of that and then some, in my last three relationships. The first relationship I did it in was my marriage. My XH was not an addict, at least not to drugs or alcohol. But he WAS addicted to the way in which I cared for him. He ate up my codependent tendencies with a spoon for the 19 years we were together. And to realize that I've done the same thing over and over again....ugh, it's just kind of disheartening. But at least now I'm aware of it and I can take steps to change it. Thanks for sharing.