SweetPea

I'm glad I found this site. I've learned a lot on here and wanted to share my story for support and feedback.

I met my XBF 10 years ago while on vacation in another country. I ended up moving there and lived there for a year and a half. He was the love of my life. I was in my late 30s and knew he was the one for me. I knew he smoked pot but at the end I found out he was smoking crack too. I tried to stay because he said he wanted to get clean, but it didn’t happen. I moved back to the US. He would contact me every once in a while but I hadn’t had any contact with him in 7 years.

This past October I found him on Facebook and we began texting every day. It was like no time had passed and he was the person I always wanted him to be if there were no drugs. The spark was still there. He was in rehab and had been sober for 8 months. He moved to a Halfway House at 11 months sober. I went to visit for his one year sober anniversary.

He was able to stay with me in a hotel and we had the most unbelievable week. I let him talk about the future and make plans for us. I didn't want to be the one to mention it. I let him lead the conversations. I was so excited to have the man I loved more than any other back in my life. I was excited for a future that I had always dreamed of with him.

I came home and the plan was for him to stay in the halfway house for another 9 months or so. I would come visit every few months and we would begin to make plans for him to come to the US or me to move there again.

I was home for 5 days and everything was the same as it had been before I left. We texted all the time, told each other I love you, etc. The last bit of normalcy was that he texted me that he was going to a meeting and would text when he got back. I didn't hear from him that night and didn't think anything of it. The next morning I texted and said good morning. He replied that he was sorry he didn’t text me back the night before but something happened at the house and he was upset. Said he wasn't upset with me and that he would explain later. Didn’t hear from him all day or night. The next morning he texted me he was sorry but that he was angry and depressed and wanted to be left alone. He said again that something happened at the house and that he wasn’t mad at me. I didn’t hear from him for 5 days. This wasn’t normal for our relationship and I was very worried. I texted him a ton of times trying to get some response. I could see he was reading my messages but not responding. After 7 days he texted me that this wasn’t going to work out and that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I of course was heartbroken and told him I understood but could we please talk. He said no, that he was too worried about his recovery. He said that he preferred that we maintain a distance and that I wouldn’t be hearing from him again. I said that sounds so final and please assure me that we will talk again. He texted back “we’ll talk”.

It has now been 7 days and I have had no contact with him. I just don’t understand what happened? Why? I feel like he went to the meeting and they told him that this isn’t good for him. I feel like the words he was saying were someone elses. I don’t do any drugs and don’t even drink. I only want the best for him. How could he just turn off those feelings after we had the most incredible week together? It was magical.

I feel so lost. I feel hopeless. I am depressed. I cry every day. I can’t believe that I could have such happiness and then have it all taken away again. I want an explanation and answers to my questions. Is that too much to ask for?

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......there are so many people here who understand how you are feeling. It hurts deeply.

Unfortunately, addiction is selfish......and so is recovery. It has to be. His very life depends on him concentrating on his own recovery. Recovery is psychologically and emotionally draining.....and sometimes......so is maintaining a relationship and there's just not enough of one person to do both at the same time until they are very well grounded in recovery.

Don't take it personally (I understand that it is easier said than done). He's doing what he needs to do for himself......concentrate on his recovery.

Relationships are hard. Long distance relationships are harder (my husband and I "dated" from opposite sides of the country). And a relationship that is long distance with addiction involved.....I can't even imagine.

Although I know it hurts so deeply.....I hope that you can love him enough to let him go. If it's meant to be, time will reveal more. And no amount of texting or crying is going to speed that up.......it's just going to make you miserable and push him farther away.

It has taken me a long time and much suffering (my first husband was an addict and my adult son is an addict currently in recovery) to realize that I am responsible for my own feelings and attitudes. I learned how to ensure that my suffering (because life will always bring it on) is temporary if I allow it to be so.

At this point, the best thing you can do for him......and you.......is to take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

SweetPea, I say this caring about you hurting right now, but he asked to be left alone and you continued to text him "tons of time".

If he is clean, you crossed a boundary of respecting his need for privacy right now.

If he is using, it doesn't matter what he is doing or why, and perhaps he is trying to protect you from the truth...or just lying.

Either way, this might be a good time to step back and take a deep breath and give more space and time to this relationship. It's not sounding healthy from where I sit.

You wouldn't be the first here to believe things had changed and would be "different" this time. That things are no better is a good sign that he's not prepared to bring anything to this relationship and you may want to move on.

I am glad you found us and hope you continue to post. You may not hear the words you want to hear here right now, "happily ever after" rarely happens in situations like yours, but please know that what we say we say trying to help you, not to condemn your choices or situation.

Hugs

crystalbuterfly

Your situation sounds very similar to one I experienced with my boyfriend. He was in outpatient and part of that involved going to meetings. He started going, got a sponsor who was a recovering meth and crack addict. His sponsor soon started suggesting to him what he needed to do. Come to a meeting everyday, call him twice a day, stop associating with those who were not recoveing addicts -including me. We had been together for several years, and I do not use drugs or alcohol and never have. He said he felt pressured to follow the suggestions. He ended up dropping the sponsor and said he was bullied by other members after that happened. He ended up dropping that program and his parents got him into a new outpatient program. It was worse than all that but I wont get into more. He did fine in the new outpatient. They had group sessions, counseling, and sessions for family also. He completed 3 months of it and is doing great.

Guess I didn’t need to be out of the picture for him to get better after all.

I would trust your instincts. If you think it is suspicious that a meeting is held the night he returns from a great trip with you, if you think the words he spoke are not his own, then go with this & don’t let ANYONE tell you different. If he is like my boyfriend was, then he may think he needs to follow the “suggestions” above all else in order to get well.

Kindeyes

To the best of my knowledge, no one in a 12 program will "suggest" that an addict pursuing recovery should stop associating with those who are not recovering addicts.....but they will strongly suggest that they stop hanging out with people they used drugs with.

And in my experience, it may not be a good idea for an addict pursuing recovery to hang out with their codependents who don't understand drug addiction and codependency. A codependent who is unaware of the dangers of codependency to an addict's recovery can be very harmful indeed. And, speaking for myself, I was completely unaware of my own codependency for a long time.....it was my own form of denial. A strong codependent and an addict are a very toxic mix. An unaware codependent can undermine the efforts of a recovering addict........all the while doing so with the absolute best of intentions.

Not suggesting that anyone here is toxic or codependent......just sharing my experience.

I have to agree with Ann's statement. If I ask someone to leave me alone and they don't, they are being disrespectful of my boundaries. SweetPea....you are hurting so very deeply......and so is he. These powerful emotions give addiction an excuse to rear it's ugly head--not because of you--but because of an addict's inability to manage their own emotions well during early recovery.

He needs space and time. If it's meant to be.....it will be.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

LadybugRI

Sweetpea, you have history with this man throughout the 10 years and I am assuming the rekindling of everything sucked you back in to his chaotic life. Drug addicts are all about themselves. Let me say that again, drug addicts are all about themselves! Please try to step back, take some deep breaths and realize you deserve more than this man has to offer you. You don't have to live with everyone you love, you can love him from a distance and maintain your sanity. If you continue to try to get the 'why' you will be like a gerbil on the ring in a cage. The 'why' is because they desire the drug more than anything else in their life. Another poster here has said 'You didn't cause it, you can't fix it', it has stuck in my mind ever since I read that. As women we want to nurture and fix things and believe me when I tell you, you cannot do that. I know the turmoil in your mind, it's so maddening but know this - you can get through this and you will be okay. Refrain from all contact with him right now, let his rehab people help him. He may get well and he may not. Drug addiction is a lifetime affliction that can consume one and those who love them. It is the most frustrating situation I've ever found myself in. Opiates took the love of my life away. I'm here to tell you, you will be A-okay if you realize what you're really up against and walk away from that. Take it one day at a time. Peace.

Lily1918

I second everything said here. I also want to add that I was forbidden to see my RA before I entered a codependency recovery program. His grandma has not decided to enter recovery from her codie issues therefore, he has made the painful decision to go no contact from her.

SweetPea

Thank you to you all for the replies.

I now know that texting him was probably not the best thing to do, but it is all I could do at the time. It was just so very strange to me. It still is and I still feel like I deserve a conversation, not just a text.

I don't want to walk away. I feel like I want to support him even more now that he has decided to get clean.

I know I have lots to learn and am probably doing all the wrong things. I'm just going with my gut.

I will continue to educate myself.

crystalbuterfly

Regardless of your experience KindEyes- it is my experience that they DO and DID. And I feel like you are trying to negate what I, my boyfriend, and his parents have been through with your direct comments to me. NOT COOL

I'm sharing my experience with the OP. Personally I see clear signs the posters boyfriend is in a very similar situation as my boyfriend. She said she wants to know the truth, and while I cannot tell her what happened in her situation (neither can anyone else here) I'm telling her what I went through. She can do with it what she wants.

And yes KindEyes, my boyfriends first outpatient included NA meetings. This is where all the issues occurred.

When he was involved in NA his sponsor had many opinions and shared them with vigor to my boyfriend. In the areas of work, grad school among other things.

The new outpatient only held group meetings for those in their own clinic and it was run by professional staff members. In this new environment, I also went through family sessions about enabling, and codependency. These are not unique to NA. It was never suggested that it was unhealthy for me to be involved with my boyfriend. It was never implied I was "toxic" either.

My boyfriend also did not tell me he wanted to end our relationship so he could focus on his recovery when in the new program, and he wasn't bullied for any of his choices either.

Lily1918

I am sorry that you experienced troubles similar to the OP. I cannot speak for kindeyes, but I do not see her directing her words towards you, there are no quotations in her post.
we all try to share our ESH (expierience strength hope) here in a loving way.
Im not a moderator, but we also have a take what you want and leave the rest attitude.

here is my ESH directed to he OP
recovery is a selfish time. more so than even active addiction. My guy has not spoken to the children in months. why? does he not love them? how could he abandon them in sobriety? he must not loVE them if he would cut contact with them, right??? No. because he cares about them enough to not have any drug addicts in thier lives. If he ever does want to come back, he needs to focus on himself. because he says wants to be whole and healthy and to be able to do that he needs to be alone. I believe him when he says he is not ready to play the part of husband and father.

when he was using he would go no contact for similar reasons, to enable his addiction of course, and to protect me and the kids from being around an addict.

We now go through periods of no contact all the time, and he is only about 3 months sober. I didn't speak to him all of January and half of February. I have spent a handful of hours with him since then. No phone calls. Does he love me? I believe he does. does he love recovery more? I hope so because that is as it should be.

I make the reference to the children because in my humble opinion, a parent child type relationship is stronger and love more unconditional than a romantic one, and yet the space is taken.
It is hard, I know...
but I have a very strong belief in destiny. Fate will lead me where I need to be if only I will listen to it's whisper in the winds of change that come sweeping across the seasons of my life.
I don't know why sometimes men, addict or not waltz out of our lives, but I know this: our lives will be as beautiful as we all are, if only we choose to make them so ourselves.
space can be a good thing... if we decide to make it a good thing... even though it still sucks at times. Im not denying that either.

hugs to you. Im sorry for the things that got you here, but Im glad you found this place, and I hope you keep posting.

Lily1918

forgive my misunderstanding there is a quote. well then... all of our expieriences are different, I don't think her sharing her truth negates anyone elses

Ann

SweetPea, forgive me for this interruption but as a moderator here I need to make a point to some of the posters (and please know that every poster here is trying to help and support you).

Dear posters, there is a rule here (Rule #4 if you care to go read it) that forbids bashing other programs. That said, some programs work better than others for various people. SoberRecovery respects all programs. Many here recovery with no official program at all and that works for them. People here will have good and bad experience with different programs, counselors, religions, rehabs, and attempts to get clean and sober. Most times the success of the method, rehab or program is directly related to the willingness of the participant to work it.

That said, please do not debate here or anywhere else the pros or cons of any program. Sharing someone's experience is acceptable as long as it doesn't bash the program in general.

For example...My friend didn't find NA helpful to him...is okay.

but...NA is a bad program and didn't help my friend...is not.

Thousands, perhaps millions have been helped by these programs, but the choice is individual on what works for any one person.

I felt that needed clarifying.

Now please let's go back to supporting the original poster here in a supportive, peaceful way...because that's what we do here at SR.

Thank you for listening.

Ann

SweetPea

I've been thinking a lot about some of the replies and the statements about me "not respecting his boundaries and his need for privacy right now" really bothers me. For him to tell me he wants to be left alone--of course I am going to contact him. What am I supposed to think? That was just out of the blue and so out of character.

I know I am new to this and definitely don't know and understand a lot, but what about my needs?? I just want a conversation with him. I think I deserve more than a text. It was all just so abrupt and so final and I feel I deserve some explanation. It's always about him. What about having it be about me for a change?

And I do feel that someone at his meeting told him that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he needed to end it with me. The words he used in his texts didn't seem like his words.

Another thing I don't understand is why everyone always says to walk away. What if everyone walked away from every addict? I did walk away when he was using and it was not a healthy environment for me to live in. I didn't want that for my life. But now I feel there is a chance for a good life and a future. I don't want to walk away.

I still haven't sent any text messages but I do want to send him a letter. I've written two and haven't sent them. It has helped me to write.

Lily1918

if he was using before and is in recovery now then his words should be out of character. He is becoming a new person, as for needs... well... a BF should only ever be a want, never a need. when BFs become needs in our lives we become codependents

SweetPea

Lily I think you misunderstood---his words were out of character from the person I know now--the person in recovery.

The BF is not my need. I don't NEED him. I want a conversation, not just a text. My point was why does he get what he wants (space), and I don't get what I want (conversation)??

Lily1918

because the conversation and the space can't exist at the same time Im sorry if I misunderstood. Im just trying to share that Im in the same boat as you and I know its painful, but I cannot change when he will not speak to me, only accept it... I was just trying to say "If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you it was meant to be, if not, then they were never yours from the beginning."

I used to cry a lot too. I am learning to bear it. Im sorry this has happened to you. Every time I speak to my guy he is more and more different. Its like meeting a new person every time. I did not mean to hurt your feelings.

what are you going to do to be happy again? even if he doesn't give you the conversation?

allforcnm

SweetPea & CrystalButterfly,

Im sorry you both have to deal with the pains of addiction. I did want to tell you both that neither of your stories are new to SR. I have been here almost a year, and have seen many post regarding significant others who mysteriously end relationships and there are suspicions regarding undue influence in the decisions. Im just going to add in links to a few of the posts made here on SR that are similar, so neither of you think you are alone in your issues.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-addict.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...need-help.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...a-sponsor.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-sponsor.html?

I will also add my own comment, that while people in recovery do need time and space; the level of that is unique to each individual based on the extent of their illness, and also the complexities of the relationships they are involved in.
Family members and loved ones also may need time and space depending on their own emotional issues including codependency. It is great that you have both been educated in these areas by professionals who work in addiction.

Obviously many rehabs and other living facilities have requirements for their patients. Basically the patient complies or they can be tossed out. So please keep this in mind, because often decisions are made out of necessity to conform to a treatment program. And yes, IMO this type of allegiance also includes people who work the AA/NA program with a sponsor; based on the evidence Ive seen.

You also have to remember that people in treatment are often in a fragile state of mind, and if they are serious about recovery will try to abide by whatever is deemed necessary by those they look up to, and are encouraged to follow.

CrystalButterfly: Im glad to hear your boyfriend was able to find an outpatient program that worked for him & also good news that he is doing well. 90 days is great and represents a lot of hard work; especially from meth.

SweetPea: I suggest to just give it some time, and try not to worry. Hopefully you will at least be able to properly talk to your boyfriend because based on the extent of your relationship, you are due an explanation as to why he took that action, and if he is only doing it to comply with requirements put upon him. This would be my assumption based on the details you have given.

oooopps

I feel for you.

The thing is, he is a drug addict. The mind of a drug addict is so unstable. Even in recovery, they have to fight really hard to maintain a sense of normalcy. After almost one decade, you find your XBF again, and he's been 8 months sober. This goes to show you that it is still very easy for him to slip and fall into his addiction.

I'd recommend you to wipe your tears, be gentle with yourself, and make the decision that you will not let this person hurt you again because your heart, your feelings, your happiness is too precious.

Seek positive people with no drug problems to be with and around you. You have the gift that a lot of mothers on SR dont have and that is you can walk away from a person that can cause you a lot of heart breaks and take back the key to your happiness.

Addict or not, people shouldnt make promises that they cannot keep. He said "we'll talk" yet keeps you hanging for days and not responding to you. That is not acceptable behavior and will only make you feel lower and lower if you allow him to continue treat you this way.

Cut the string... should he contact you, I would not respond.

Ann

I think this thread has been helpful to the original poster and has run its course. To continue would be to debate programs for addicted loved ones and I don't think that's what the original poster wanted. Sharing our OWN experience strength and hope is what this forum is about.

I encourage SweetPea to continue posting and assure her we are here to help her with her own journey.

Thank you all for understanding as I now close this thread.