JC34

Hello,
I am new to this and I am trying to find positive outlets to gain an understanding or maybe just reach out to people that can identify with what my family and I are going through.. I feel as though I am all over the place and lost. I have been blessed with the most amazing family and we have always been incredibly close.. I could not ask for better parents and my brother is my best friend... My younger brother is in his early 30's and has had led a great life that he should be very proud of and I am proud of him... He is the type that you meet him once and you feel that you have made a friend for life...

Since college he has dabbled in pot and some social drug use, but the got very involved in the family business and was on the straight and narrow for many years.. Then about 2 yrs ago he developed a problem with prescription drugs but kept it well hidden. Then the catastrophe of this past year took place and seems to be getting worse.. He got into legal trouble almost a year ago and it has continued to go down hill. We discover he has a serious problem with crack and it has totally taken over his life and my family's life.
He went to rehab about 10 months ago and was clean for 3 or 4 months... During this time I lived back home and he and I would spend a lot of time together and he was doing great... He has full support from my parents and extended family... We would go to meetings with him and everything was really good.. Well, I finished my masters degree and moved about 5 hours away for work and since then he has plummeted down hill and I am watching my family fall apart... My mom somewhat enables him and my dad is frustrated and scared.. He is losing everything.. The family business is upside down, he is losing his house, my parents are hurting and scared and I am 5 hours away watching all this like a train wreck... I try to be there for my family but it is not the same as when I lived there.. I understand that an addict is going to do what they want and people tell me that I should not feel guilty, but I do and it is tearing my heart out...
I like living in the city I presently reside in now and there is more employment opportunity here, but everyday my family is forever on my mind. They tell me they are happy I am here and want me to stay where I am now living, but I feel like I am almost going crazy at times...
So this is my story and I am sorry for rambling on to a point, I just feel lost and don't know what to do.. And I am more so the stronger one (or the appearance of the stronger one) in the family and have not really and truly opened up to anyone... And when I have they have not had a similar experience and cannot relate.

Take care to all and thank you taking the time to read this and any advise or thought are welcomed

Yogagurl

Hi JC-
Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear what has brought you here. I can identify with you because, aside from my husband being a crack addict, my brother is an opiate addict, and my father is an alcoholic. I feel your pain.

If you get a chance to learn about crack addiction, that is the first step that I would suggest that you take. I thought that I read all that I could read about crack addiction until I spoke to other addicts on this forum. You really don't know what the drug does to a person if you aren't addicted to the substance yourself. Read through some of my posts and you will get an idea of what it's like to deal with an active crack addict on a first hand basis.

I discourage you from moving back to your hometown because YOU aren't going to be able to make him stop using. If your brother wants to recover, he must make the steps to do so, regardless of the circumstances of your living situation. If your brother claims that he can't do it without you or he is using because you are gone, please know that he is not. He is using because that is what he does and users never want to accept they are the ones who make the choice. Users will point at the sky and say "It's cloudy today and I wanted to get a tan. I HAVE to get high."

I hope that the posts here will help you work through your pain and help to answer any questions you have about addiction and how it effects the family. I know that I have learned SO much and have healed a lot within just the few months that I have been posting here.

Good luck to you and your family. I hope he gets help soon.

YG

JC34

YG,
Thank you so much for your advise. My brother does want me to stay here and is honest about knowing the fact that he has to make the decision to help himself and it would not matter if I was there or not.. But I am at the point where I am almost more concerned about my mom and dad... My brother has got into some legal trouble and it might get somewhat interesting in the near future. I am really scared for my mom... Ugh.. I don't know to be sad, mad, frustrated, irritated, scared, etc..
It is one of those things where I would ever look back and think I could have done more during this time...
Thank you so much for your response again... You have been through a lot and I admire you strength and I am grateful for your willingness to be there for others

Impurrfect

((JC)) - Welcome to SR though I am sorry for what has brought you here.

I'm a recovering crack addict and a recovering codependent with loved ones who are addicts. All addictions can bring a person down to a level they never imagined, but crack is particularly bad in my experience.

It wasn't until I'd lost pretty much everything and my loved ones allowed me to deal with the consequences I'd brought on myself, that I finally hit my bottom and chose recovery. It wasn't easy for my family to see me totally content with being homeless, in/out of jail, etc. but it's what *I* needed to finally choose to live life again.

I can promise you that nothing anyone said or did got me clean, except for giving me the dignity to live my life as I chose. After some time, the "life" wasn't any fun any more, I wanted to be a part of my family's lives again, and I chose recovery.

I hope you keep reading/posting. You're not alone and SR has been a huge part of both my recoveries.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

JC34

Amy,
Thank you for your response and kind words... It's interesting because what you went through is the direction my brother is heading... He just went to jail again last weekend and it is not seeming to phase him and it blows me away. He has been living very comfortably and it is mostly because of my mother... I am truly scared that my parents will spend their last dime to try to save my brother... He has never experienced hardship in the sense of not having his needs mets... It is really causing friction in the family because my mom cannot draw the line and I am not sure she ever will... There is just so many different aspects to worry about...

It does feel comforting to talk to people that can relate and I appreciate you reaching out.... Thank you so much

EJG123

If it helps, as a parent, I was grateful when my son was away at college and did not have a front row seat to the insanity of his sister's addiction. If nothing else, I knew he was okay and it gave me the strength to go on.

JC34

EJG123,
Thank you for your response... It actually made my eyes water because that is exactly what my parents especially my mom says... But it is so difficult.. In our family dynamic, I am typically to the more outspoken one in times of crisis and was there a lot for my mom and dad when I lived back home... I was the one that had no fear and hit things head on... I am as protective over my parents as I am my brother... And it times to hear my moms or my dad's voice quivering over the phone, I wish I could just jump through the phone and hug them... And the same with my brother..
But I do understand what you are saying and it helps to hear it from another parent... Thank you

Yogagurl

Hey there,

I understand the worry that you have about your parents spending all of their money getting enabling him and taking care of him. My parents did the same for my brother. He had my mother come to visit him (she lives in another state) to help him pay for a lawyer. He had been charged with stealing several thousand dollars worth of metal from the machining shop that he worked at and didn't have the funds to deal with the attorney. He was stealing to pay for his addiction. She didn't know this. When she got to his home to spend a couple of weeks with him, he stole all of the money that she had in her bank account. He had come clean to her about his addiction a week after she had been in town, but afterwards took her bank card and burnt it up.

A couple of months following, he couldn't pay his bills at all. So, my father came down with a U-Haul and packed him up so he (and his wife and children) could move in with him. About a month later, my brother had to come back to the state he had his charges in to deal with the probation aspect of it. He came back with 7500$$ worth of his tax refund and spent it within a month. Mind you, he has a wife and two children who were depending on this money to get them by.

His wife left him and he ended up homeless in our hometown, but burnt all of his bridges and eventually asked to come live with me till he could get out of town. He stole from me the following day. He finally made it back to live with my parents upstate. They took him in after all of that. Now, he is drinking very heavily to compensate for the lack of prescription meds that he was taking. My parents spend thousands of dollars trying to get him in order and now they have nothing for retirement.

If you can speak to your mother and try to explain the severity of what he is going through, try to get her to some meetings (codependency, al-anon, nar-anon), where she can meet other people who have been in the same situation, it may help to open her eyes to where this can lead financially. My husband's mother is the same way. She has been enabling him for his entire life. Giving him money behind her husband's back and paying my husbands bills for him when he is in a rut. Ultimately, you can't control the actions of your parents, but you can try to lead them to the reality of this. People who have never been exposed to an active addict don't know what they are doing!!! I am one of them. You think that they will hit bottom, they will change, they will want to change for your love, but you end up being left disappointed and drained financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Talk to your parents and see if they will go to some meetings so they can establish some boundaries before they get sucked in too deep. Once you have lost your boundaries, they are very hard to get back.

Best,
YG

JC34

It is so interesting that you brought up boundaries... I just sent my mother an email that contained part of a response from another thread from a mother to another mother struggling with enabling and how important boundaries are.. I have also looked up meetings around here for myself because I have good friends here, but no one that seems to relate to my situation... I also hope that it will help push my mom to go to meetings because she always talks about going but does not go... I want to go to help keep myself healthy and I hope it will also help my mom feel comfortable going...
Even though I am not physically there with my family, I want to do everything I can to help them..
This really helps so much to talk to you and others that understand... It means the world to me.

zoso77

I'm glad you found us. Welcome to the Board.

Regarding your guilt...ask yourself if it makes sense to feel guilty about the choices your brother has made. We all make choices every day, for good or for ill, and part of being a responsible adult is accepting the consequences of those choices if they blow up in our faces.

So, your brother's going to have to take responsibility for his addiction if he's to find recovery. No one can do that for him. You can love him 'til the end of the world, you can want the best for him, but until he's ready to own his decisions, things won't go well for him.

Best,
ZoSo

EJG123

JC- I can only speak about what helped us. My husband and I got to a point where we knew that we could not enable her anymore- she'd had too many chances and blown them all and endangered our our security and sanity. Still it was emotonal hell to let her go and to stop trying to fix her problems. My son was a great support even long distance telling us that he knew that we'd done what we could and frankly he did not want to see us go on being miserable trying to save her from herself. It was up to her to save herself. Hearing this from him helped us to let go of her.

JC34

That is the thing... It is getting to the point where I am almost more (or at least as) concerned about my parents and their health... I am talking to their friends (close friends of the family) quite often.. They check in with me and I check in with them... They tried to keep my brothers addiction a secret and after it hit the newspaper for the 3rd time, I said "enough!" I reached out to family and friends for support for my parents and that has helped. My parents are paying to bail him out, his lawyer, his bills, etc..
I just worry all the time... My mother's world revolves around my brother's every move..

Recovering2

I love my brother with all my heart, and understand completely your concern for your parents. My brother is now 49 yrs old, and lives with my elderly parents. They have bailed him out of jail, paid legal fees, taken him to court dates (then he refuses to allow them to come in and makes them sit outside worrying), driven around looking for him, given him money, etc etc etc. When they don't give in, he disappears or threatens suicide, sending them into a tail spin. For many years I tried to make them see they weren't helping him, to no avail. He is their son, they don't feel they have a choice. They won't go to meetings, they're too old school and embrassed to share.

I had to learn to lovingly detach from the whole situation. Through counseling and AlAnon, I learned that it was ultimately their choice to handle it they way they do. I did make it clear that it's not healthy for me to be around it, and I keep a safe physical distance from it. I don't ask questions anymore. When I see my folks, I keep our time together about good things and try to make their day a little better for the moment. It is still incredibly heart breaking to me. My parents are in their early 80's. They've had no retirement, no joy in their late years. But it's their choice, and my recognition of that has brought me some peace. I can pray for them all, but in the end I can only make decisions for me.

I wish you the best.