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Old 03-01-2013, 09:37 AM
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Why I am here

I posted this as my first blog entry, as well, but I want to post it in this group, because this is where I feel most comfortable.

-----

Hi, my (SoberRecovery) name is Whatsit, and I am a recovering codependent. I also want to recover from overeating (the wrong things). I will be heading out later to day to my first local Al-Anon meeting.

I have one younger brother, age 55, who is an alchoholic with a history of illegal drug use (cocain? heroin? won't admit it) as well, and who probably has recently been using again. He traded in his health for his addictions and has been chronically seriously ill for several years.

My parents, prior to their deaths, asked me to provide him with a place to live for the rest of his life. Needless to say, they were codependent. His addictions robbed them of the comfortable retirement they should have had.

I am married (over 3 decades) to a workaholic, a compulsive penny-pincher, perfectionist and do-it-yourselfer. Our surviving son is addicted to computer games, and WH (workaholic husband) is his codependent.

I have been WH's codependent, but, thanks to the grace of God, I am on my way to a better life. WH has mended some of his ways and begun to take more responsibility for his own choices and stopped blaming me.

I am learning how to remain the family caregiver with loving detachment and to stand up for myself, and I am fortunate to belong to a small but wonderful religious community and to have friends who freely give their support in appropriate ways.

I do things that give me a life of my own, but for anonymity's sake, I won't be giving details.

However, I am not well, yet, and recent events have opened old wounds and dredged up residual anger about the choices and circumstances that led to my present circumstances. I know that things could be worse, that I could be living in poverty, in a war zone, or with domestic violence, that I have been spared many of the things others have had to bear. I know I am better off than the addicts in my life. That said, this is not the life I wanted to live, and I want WH and CAS (computer-addicted son) to GROW UP! AB (addicted brother) is mentally ill, and probably cannot recover.

I expect to be a regular here. Thanks for listening.
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Old 03-01-2013, 11:44 AM
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Ann
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Glad you posted here and I hope you can find a balance in your life that gives you time just for yourself. Sometimes having our own hobby, or joining an interest group, or finding something that we enjoy doing just for ourselves can help us renew our spirit and feel a sense of accomplishment...regardless of how those around us are handling their own lives.

You may find your new Al-anon group helps you regain your sanity and self-esteem and I am so glad you are giving meetings a try. They have helped many of us here to rebuild our lives.

Let us know how this all works out for you.

Hugs
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Old 03-01-2013, 01:38 PM
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I hope the Al-Anon meeting seemed like the right fit for you, and welcome to SR. This is a safe place for codependents to get honest feedback and compassionate support as we all try to find ways to avoid the martyring-mothering scripts we were handed by our respective "tribes".

People do not like it when we change. Active addicts come down on us harder, immature family members get even, and adult children suddenly can't tie their shoelaces.

We are happy you are here to grow.
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Old 03-01-2013, 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
People do not like it when we change. Active addicts come down on us harder, immature family members get even, and adult children suddenly can't tie their shoelaces.
I agree, EG, and thank you for the welcome.

I have learned the hard way that addicts do not like people with boundaries.
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Old 03-01-2013, 05:53 PM
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Good luck. I just kicked out my pot addicted son after 3 years of trying to fix the unfixable. Like you, I am learning that you cannot control another human being.
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Old 03-02-2013, 09:00 AM
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Originally Posted by pravchaw View Post
Good luck. I just kicked out my pot addicted son after 3 years of trying to fix the unfixable. Like you, I am learning that you cannot control another human being.
Anya, I think you did the right thing. If my parents had kicked out my brother when he was young, he might not be chronically ill and disabled today. My parents would have had the retirement they worked hard for and deserved. Instead, they had to live on their SS income plus a few hundred dollars a month, at poverty level, because they spent all their savings bailing out AB. And now, at age 58, I am saddled with being his primary caregiver for the rest of his life.

My WH will not kick out our CAS, because he feels sorry for him, and probably guilty for the years he came home from work and raged at us. He called it his "therapeutic vent."

If I had a dollar for every excuse I have heard, I would be wealthy.
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Old 03-02-2013, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Whatsit View Post
I posted this as my first blog entry, as well, but I want to post it in this group, because this is where I feel most comfortable.

-----

Hi, my (SoberRecovery) name is Whatsit, and I am a recovering codependent. I also want to recover from overeating (the wrong things). I will be heading out later to day to my first local Al-Anon meeting.

I have one younger brother, age 55, who is an alchoholic with a history of illegal drug use (cocain? heroin? won't admit it) as well, and who probably has recently been using again. He traded in his health for his addictions and has been chronically seriously ill for several years.

My parents, prior to their deaths, asked me to provide him with a place to live for the rest of his life. Needless to say, they were codependent. His addictions robbed them of the comfortable retirement they should have had.

I am married (over 3 decades) to a workaholic, a compulsive penny-pincher, perfectionist and do-it-yourselfer. Our surviving son is addicted to computer games, and WH (workaholic husband) is his codependent.

I have been WH's codependent, but, thanks to the grace of God, I am on my way to a better life. WH has mended some of his ways and begun to take more responsibility for his own choices and stopped blaming me.

I am learning how to remain the family caregiver with loving detachment and to stand up for myself, and I am fortunate to belong to a small but wonderful religious community and to have friends who freely give their support in appropriate ways.

I do things that give me a life of my own, but for anonymity's sake, I won't be giving details.

However, I am not well, yet, and recent events have opened old wounds and dredged up residual anger about the choices and circumstances that led to my present circumstances. I know that things could be worse, that I could be living in poverty, in a war zone, or with domestic violence, that I have been spared many of the things others have had to bear. I know I am better off than the addicts in my life. That said, this is not the life I wanted to live, and I want WH and CAS (computer-addicted son) to GROW UP! AB (addicted brother) is mentally ill, and probably cannot recover.

I expect to be a regular here. Thanks for listening.
Welcome Whatsit

Thanks for sharing. You are in the right place. This site is such a strength.

We have a lot in common. I am codependent; I have a few issues with food too; my hubby is a workaholic (you have me beat on the 3 decades - I have 25 years); my 10 year old gson is addicted to video games (and I am not exaggerating-it breaks my heart).

I guess I am kind on the other side because I am also an alcoholic.I guess that is why they say it is a family disease.

It sounds like you are one step ahead of me on standing up for yourself. Good for you - keep it up! I have a way to go on that one. One day at a time!

If you don't mind me asking: You mentioned one "surviving" son. How many children do you have?
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Old 03-02-2013, 09:28 AM
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computer addiction is devastating. Many of my guy friends from high school have wasted away before thier games. Im glad you're here!
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Old 03-02-2013, 01:22 PM
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I feel sorry for your parents but there is a lesson there for all of us. An addict is like a drowning person who will not help himself even though he knows how to swim, but will drag other people down who try to rescue him. It is better to throw them a life line than jump in the ocean to save them.

I don't want to be in my 70's worrying about an addicted son. I need to detach now, while I am still relatively young and vigorous and let him deal with life on its terms.
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Old 03-02-2013, 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted by PreciousKitty View Post
Welcome Whatsit


If you don't mind me asking: You mentioned one "surviving" son. How many children do you have?
Thank you for the welcome; wow, you have a lot on your plate, too.

We have two sons; our older son departed this life last year due to congenital disease. We miss him very much.

Yes, addiction is a family illness, and I hope and pray things get better for you and yours. Forgive me if I sometimes seem to lack compassion for those addicted to alcohol or drugs. I will always wonder whether my brother would be having a better life now if he had been made to stand on his own two feet when he was young. But we can never know what might have been.
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Old 03-02-2013, 09:38 PM
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Originally Posted by pravchaw View Post
I don't want to be in my 70's worrying about an addicted son. I need to detach now, while I am still relatively young and vigorous and let him deal with life on its terms.
I feel like this too - my husband and I are newly married and I just realized he's an addict. I don't want to become one of the people I hear about in Al Anon who are 30 years into a marriage and dealing with a raging alcoholic still who won't go to treatment.

I need to get myself clear and centered and focused on me so I can make good choices for me and my life now -- and not wait around in a codependent way hoping my husband will get into recovery -- because he may not!

So out of self-love, I choose to focus on me and make sure that I'm getting my momentum and stability with detaching and surrendering. (Going to Al Anon regularly and starting to work the steps now.)

We're both in our mid 30's and we have our whole lives ahead of us if we get willing to get into recovery. Whether he does or doesn't though, I'm sure gonna do it. <3
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Old 03-02-2013, 09:43 PM
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WhatsIt -- great to see you here. And congratulations on going to your first Al Anon meeting!

I went to my first meeting like 10 days ago and wow, I'm so glad I got the courage to show up there. Also have been to a few open AA meetings and it's just been so great. I have lots of reading materials now and finally found an Al Anon group that I really relate to and connect with. I've been to a few of them and some of them just missed the mark in terms of how they run (cross talk or no cross talk for example) and maybe it's also that I'm not crying through all of them all the time now that also makes them more enjoyable. haha

Anyway, it's great you're here and focused on what you can do to stop being codependent. I'm in the same boat with you as is everyone else here, so it's great to be in it together so we can inspire each other and learn from each other.

Loving detachment is going to be a big one for me too. I'm grateful I have this time while my husband is out of town to really get a nice foundation going in terms of my relationship with the Al Anon program. This way when he comes back I'll be more practiced in my new ways of relating to him and myself.
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Old 03-03-2013, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by pravchaw View Post
I feel sorry for your parents but there is a lesson there for all of us. An addict is like a drowning person who will not help himself even though he knows how to swim, but will drag other people down who try to rescue him. It is better to throw them a life line than jump in the ocean to save them.

I don't want to be in my 70's worrying about an addicted son. I need to detach now, while I am still relatively young and vigorous and let him deal with life on its terms.
I agree, pravchaw, and I am so glad you aren't waiting until it's too late.
Good for you!!
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