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Could use some advice please....

Old 02-28-2013, 09:54 AM
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Could use some advice please....

So I am still away and having a great time! I am looking forward to my sisters visit!

But after speaking to my husband this morning.....I am wondering about me, my integrity to myself and my own recovery!

He just detoxed yet again, saw his Dr this morning and will be getting the Vivitrol shot tomorrow. He is very nervous and anxious about it. I know he wishes I was there and will imply that.. But then he will say, my head is a mess, so I am glad you are not here and having a nice time.

I am very torn. One part of me says "not my problem" and the other part feels kind of bad for not being there for him as if I am not being supportive. His tone is angry and full of anxiety which does make me glad that I am not there. I don't want to be around him when he detoxes because he is very irritable, apologetic but still irritable.

I made the conversation short and sweet and got off. It was all about him, of course. But I really wanted to say this is a result of your choices. Stop complaining to me, it's not my problem. I didn't call to be your whipping girl! This is old and I am sick and tired of it. But I listened and said nothing. But I do know he isn't talking to his customers or vendors this way so he can control it.

i hung up anxious and angry for a few minutes - until I could find my balance again and let it go.

But I am still confused by my own behavior. Am I stuffing my feelings by biting my tongue? Am I being understanding of his moods or accepting unacceptable behavior? A part of me thinks - let him get the shot, then watch his behavior and discuss how I feel! In the past, I would have called him out, got mad, said what was on my mind.....but today - I just thought let it go, it doesn't help either of us.

Confused by it all, including my own actions! Healthy or unhealthy?
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Old 02-28-2013, 10:20 AM
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IMO...

If he can control his behavior with his customers and vendors, he can control it with you. In your shoes, I would have done as you did, and not responded to his anger. He's an adult, and he can surely get a shot by himself. It is not your job to be his surrogate mommy.

You can vent here, and I think he does not need to succeed at pushing your buttons and getting a reaction out of you. It's a childish behavior on his part, and it would be equally childish on your part to react. We all do it sometimes anyway, and then we need to compassionately forgive ourselves, just as we have repeatedly compassionately forgiven the addicts in our lives.
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Old 02-28-2013, 10:23 AM
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Sounds to me like the only reason you feel a bit guilty is because he was attempting
to 'set the hook' but you didn't bite and now you are trying to 'second guess' your
response.

IMO you did good!!!! Stop second guessing yourself! lol

As a side note, gee I wonder how all those guys and gals manage to find recovery
with no family there to 'support' them? They do it, so can your AH if he really WANTS
recovery.

Keep doing what you are doing!!!!

Enjoy your time with your sister!!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-28-2013, 10:25 AM
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if YOUR support and attendance were what was needed for HIM to detox, quit and stay quit, wouldn't that have happened a good six detoxes ago???? you aren't an addiction specialist, nor in the medical profession, nor is your home a detox facility or rehab center. so whatever "pain and agony" poor little HIM is going thru, TOUGH NUTS PAL. it's part of the gig....you wanna be a dope fiend? this is what you get. one sure way to make sure to never have to detox AGAIN is quite simple....QUIT USING [email protected]

i bet you ARE tired of this. the record wasn't that good the first time you heard it!!! let him hike up his big boy britches and deal. or not.
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Old 02-28-2013, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
let him hike up his big boy britches and deal. or not.


Preach on!
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Old 02-28-2013, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
if YOUR support and attendance were what was needed for HIM to detox, quit and stay quit, wouldn't that have happened a good six detoxes ago???? you aren't an addiction specialist, nor in the medical profession, nor is your home a detox facility or rehab center. so whatever "pain and agony" poor little HIM is going thru, TOUGH NUTS PAL. it's part of the gig....you wanna be a dope fiend? this is what you get. one sure way to make sure to never have to detox AGAIN is quite simple....QUIT USING [email protected]

i bet you ARE tired of this. the record wasn't that good the first time you heard it!!! let him hike up his big boy britches and deal. or not.

Lol...but would you of said that? I thought it but didn't say it!

Be careful Anvil, you too may get lumped in the "non compassionate" group! .

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Old 02-28-2013, 12:19 PM
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I just want to say you are an inspiration to me. I "helped" though one detox and I admire you for taking space through your husbands. For me, personally, I don't ever want to go through that experience again, so I believe you have made the right decision
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Old 02-28-2013, 12:19 PM
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I don't know what the right answer is,my friend...
But I do know that your strong character will recognize
and execute the right decision when the time presents itself.
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Old 02-28-2013, 12:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Lily1918 View Post
I just want to say you are an inspiration to me. I "helped" though one detox and I admire you for taking space through your husbands. For me, personally, I don't ever want to go through that experience again, so I believe you have made the right decision
Oh, I have been there for a few by now! The suboxone withdrawals (because he tapered way too fast) was by far the worst. The others weren't bad and he slept on the coach so I slept all night long. Lalala lol

He was so afraid of withdrawals at one time but has really been making it a pattern lately. Oh well, if you're gonna be dumb, you better be tough! I just don't want to be around for any of it anymore!
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Old 02-28-2013, 01:01 PM
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I have heard withdrawl compared to this way by women in NA: when you have a baby, if you don't get an epidural you go through intense pain, but when the baby is born you forget the pain. As time goes on, remembering labor is like remembering a dream. As the years pass you still decide to have another baby, and don't really take into account the pain. The first time is scary because you don't know what to expect, but each time gets easier because you know what to expect. Yet you still warn youngsters of all of the horrors of childbirth, but never a girl who is about to go through it herself.

I like this analogy and yet I don't... because babies are blessings and drugs a curse... but I don't know your husband, I wonder if maybe some type of similar thought process is why he isn't so afraid.

anyhow, enough about him. He will be ok. how are you? Im glad you will get to spend time with your sister
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Old 02-28-2013, 01:07 PM
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IMO you need to work on you and only you!!!!
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Old 02-28-2013, 01:19 PM
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I think one of the reasons he talks different to his vendors is because they talk different to him. I think it's taken the both of you to get to this point with your behaviors & communication towards each other. There is an unhealthy codependency between you. In a way, you've trained your dragon to be this way.

If you begin to change your responses to him when he speaks to you in a negative way, then if it's in him - he will change also, in time. If you don't initiate communication in a negative or controlling way, then you most likely won't be fed negativity back.

You just said it in your post: you would have normally got mad, called him out, told him off.

I think it's been great for both of you to have this break. Maybe he will realize what he accomplished on his own this time: he detoxed, saw his doctor, and followed through with his goal to get this shot. I think he needs to see that too. It sounds like a great accomplishment for him! He can "hike up his britches" on his own, but maybe he struggles with believing this due to the codependency that still exists between you.

Here is a question for you: how do you feel knowing he accomplished all this without you there? Are you focusing on his angry tone because it sort of makes you feel like you’re in control? Like yes he did this, but he wanted me there and didn't get what he wanted, he is unhappy. Score one for me?

I hope my comments don't offend, because they are truly meant to provide my insight and maybe make you see a different perspective. Put focus on your codependency issues. I'm happy to hear that you are having a nice trip. I hope you enjoy visiting with your sister over the weekend.
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Old 02-28-2013, 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by MrsDragon View Post
I think one of the reasons he talks different to his vendors is because they talk different to him. I think it's taken the both of you to get to this point with your behaviors & communication towards each other. There is an unhealthy codependency between you. In a way, you've trained your dragon to be this way.

If you begin to change your responses to him when he speaks to you in a negative way, then if it's in him - he will change also, in time. If you don't initiate communication in a negative or controlling way, then you most likely won't be fed negativity back.

You just said it in your post: you would have normally got mad, called him out, told him off.

I think it's been great for both of you to have this break. Maybe he will realize what he accomplished on his own this time: he detoxed, saw his doctor, and followed through with his goal to get this shot. I think he needs to see that too. It sounds like a great accomplishment for him! He can "hike up his britches" on his own, but maybe he struggles with believing this due to the codependency that still exists between you.

Here is a question for you: how do you feel knowing he accomplished all this without you there? Are you focusing on his angry tone because it sort of makes you feel like you’re in control? Like yes he did this, but he wanted me there and didn't get what he wanted, he is unhappy. Score one for me?

I hope my comments don't offend, because they are truly meant to provide my insight and maybe make you see a different perspective. Put focus on your codependency issues. I'm happy to hear that you are having a nice trip. I hope you enjoy visiting with your sister over the weekend.
I think most people who are detoxing become pretty irritable. I am sure it's not easy either. But IMO, he tries to get me to feel sorry for him too. (and i have). I don't think he talks to other people that way because they have no idea what he is going through, it could hurt a profitable relationship and I much "safer" to express his discomfort.

I do agree, we do teach others how to treat us and both me and my husband have developed some unhealthy communications in last few years. However, I have been working to change my part in it. But I also think addiction makes any relationship become unhealthy....if we get enmeshed....which I obviously did.

To answer your question - No, I don't feel like "score one for me" at all. But i happy that I am took care of my needs first. Something as simple as that had become so difficult for me. Now that's sad!

Thank you for your response.
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Old 02-28-2013, 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Kimmers View Post
IMO you need to work on you and only you!!!!
Is this your ESH? I have been working on me. Thanks!
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:17 PM
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This is not his first rodeo in the detox arena, and he is getting a shot, not having open heart surgery. If your being there to support him made a difference in his "other" recovery attempts, he wouldn't be detoxing yet again....now would he?

Good grief, he is an adult, ....Ok, just lump me in with Anvil.
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:26 PM
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I think you handled yourself well.
You recognised his behaviour & you controlled your behaviour to avoid confrontation.
Keep focussing on you & let the feelings wash over you.
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:35 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
This is not his first rodeo in the detox arena, and he is getting a shot, not having open heart surgery. If your being there to support him made a difference in his "other" recovery attempts, he wouldn't be detoxing yet again....now would he?

Good grief, he is an adult, ....Ok, just lump me in with Anvil.

The detox and shot was background info. I just wanted to know if I should have just let his moodiness and tone roll off me or call him out on it!

In one way, there is no point in reacting. The flip side is that detoxing is certainly no excuse! I feel kind of weak letting it go but healthier too not engaging!
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:47 PM
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Sometimes we just need to not over think everything...I see no weakness in letting go, to me, it is just the opposite, it takes a great deal of strength to let go.

Enjoy your time with your family...forget about all his moods and tones, nothing you do or say will change a thing... to him it is all about him.
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Old 02-28-2013, 06:53 PM
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I just wanted to know if I should have just let his moodiness and tone roll off me or call him out on it!

newsflash - we don't HAVE tor react to another's emotional experience! you are not REQUIRED to have a specific type of response either positive or negative. over worrying that you SHOULD have responded in a certain way indicates you are still a bit tied to thinking there is something you SHOULD do to "fix" him. or worried that there is a RIGHT or WRONG way to respond....

there is no script, you get to feel what you feel, say what you want to say and go where you want to go.

yay!

there are no style points given in recovery...no awards for doing it right or better...it doesn't matter how you do it, only THAT you do it. there's a reason in the Big Book of AA why it's called "Trudging the Road to a Happy Destiny" - not skipping, frolicking or racing....trudging....left. right. repeat. one step at a time. one day at a time. the measure of our success is not deemed in THIS moment, but over a period of time. a body of work.
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Old 02-28-2013, 07:59 PM
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LMN - You go girl. I echo Anvilhead and dollydo. Stay strong. Focus on you. I know it's hard but you can only save yourself. Hang in there.
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