Why am i so naive. i only want to trust the person i love..... YOU WERE ALL RIGHT.
He kept putting off the drug test, missed 2 appointments. i found more drug bags in his pocket (said it was from ativan) i cried and cried..which i know does not help . i am SO DESTROYEd. i just spent 2 weeks trying to find answers, trying to get him to come clean, catching him in many lies and found drugs. all he knew how to do was sit there yell and blame me for it. My parents came out to see us on friday. We had still not got a drug test and i still "knew" he was using. dinner was ok he looked normal. then we got back to his place he left for an hour to "use the phone" . came back and looked wired. my last night with him was sad. i have been conflicted with taking this on myself or telling his paretns. i think he is slowing going back to how he was and i feel the responsibility to atleast say something. i would have been able to handle this differnt if i could trust him , but even after he came clean about relapsing i still found more and more lies. the morning i was going to leave. my parents had brought a drug test from home that i had bought a year ago. (**** test online) ....he put the test off all weekend saying he didnt have to pee....then in the morning he took a shower...brought a cup in with him ,,,got out of the shower...turned it back on..then magically had an inch of "his ****" in a cup....obviously he got it from somewhere....i didnt even use it for my test. at this point i dont believe a word from him. not to mention i saw he looked up mary janes and has faked a **** test with his parents before. ugh this is killing me , after this week i feel so defeated and not sure wht to do about it. so he still hasnt done a drug test and i came back home. debating whether or not to call his mom (who will probably blame me and not believe what im saying ) and that will lead to a whole other sort of hurt. they already hate me , i was the culprit in all of this.... so they feel.....telling them ... i know exactly what will happen. he will say all the lies in teh world to blame me, which he is so good at turning this around. his parents will tell him not to contact me prob to the point of changing his number. tehy will say talking to me is what brought on his relapse. and then they not only will hate me but my "bf" will hate me forever because he told me not to tell them. then i will be left with this pain again......

One more thing....i found a letter from a girl who was in treatment with him. he left for treatment and we were still together, asking me to wait for him. then he stopped contacting me and i didnt talk to him until middle of november , he left treatment end of sept i think. ...this letter says how much she is falling for him and she doesnt know what to do about thier "little situation"....telling him she cant wait to see where this goes and so muhc more heartbreaking things....ending the letter with "i wanna hold your hand"
I know my mind is going insane after all this over the past 2 weeks and now to find this. he says nothing happend and she just had a crush on him. i know he is very flirty and overly nice to girls . please someone put my mind at ease. or am i stupid with this too. i dont know what being in rehab is like and obviously they form great conncections because of the situation. ..... just one more heart ache to deal with......

Hi Sto,
Sorry you are going through this but glad you found SR because it will definitely help.

As a family member and former "surrogate" parent of a drug addict I can tell you emphatically: they had no control.

No one has control over a drug addict, No matter how much they spend or how they are connected.

It might look like that and they might behave as if they do, and they might even believe it but no, they have no control. Not in the eyes of the rehab center, unless it is a very unusual one and not in reality. Rehab counselors may listen, but what family members have to say plays very little role in treatment, and rightfully so.

You'll get lots of great advice here so please stick around, read the sticky posts at the top of the forum, read others ES&H and keep posting.

Peace,
Hanna

Just read your post from 7:46PM.

It sounds like things are completely upside down. Drug testing someone that is supposed to be your partner and best friend? It is as if you have taken on the roles of parent and child rather than having a partnership. That cannot be fun for you and is unlikely to work out well in the long run for your relationship.

Both you and his parents seem to be operating as if you can do something that will change his behavior. He's an adult, and he's going to use drugs if he wants to do so no matter what you do. Most anyone posting on this F&F board has been in those shoes with an addict before, so it's really good you are here. This is where you can find help for yourself to stay sane and healthy while you are in a relationship with a drug addict but also begin to understand three important things:

You didn't cause this.
You can't control it.
You cannot cure it.

Peace and prayers,
Hanna

PS - I'm surprised his in a program where men and women are in contact with one another. My bro was in three programs. First had men and women, but not ever in the same place at the same time and they could not fraternize at all. Second and 3rd were all male.