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My "Normal"?

Old 02-27-2013, 12:39 PM
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My "Normal"?

Hello, everyone! I am "technically" new to the forums being as I just registered today. I have been reading this forum for all most three months now and want to thank all of you for the great, and very helpful, information! Let me apologize in advance since this is going to be rather long.

*Any names have been changed for obvious reasons*

My fiance and I have been together 1 1/2 years and were planning on marrying this fall. He was everything I'd ever wanted in a partner! He, literally, worshiped me. He did all the right things: bringing me flowers he'd picked "just because", leaving "thinking of you" notes in my truck seat, rose petal paths from the door to the bedroom, candlelit home cooked diners, the works. On top of all that, he took my son in as his own. Literally. I fell in love and so did my son.

From the beginning, I knew he had had problems with Oxy. I didn't know how bad it actually was. All I knew was that he had gotten in some trouble (B&E) and was awaiting sentencing. He went before the judge about a month before his sentencing date. The judge said he saw no reason to sentence him to anything other than probation; he was working every day and doing well.

Fast forward one month. His sentencing date. He went to court, no, WE went to court, that morning fully expecting a probation sentence. Boy, were we all shocked! The judge sentenced him to 1-15 years. He had failed a drug test.

After all the crying finally slowed enough for rational conversation, we spoke to the prosecutor. She informed us he would be eligible for parole in 11 months, and that even if parole were denied 18 months would be the longest he would serve. I have, honestly, never in my life cried as much as I did that day. I felt like part of me had died.

Fast forward two days. We slowly began to find out a lot of other things he had been hiding. Things started turning up missing. I wanted to kill,literally KILL, him! I hated him. I hated what he had done. I could, kind of, understand if he had done these things to a stranger, but ME?!! I talked to him. After I "voiced" my anger, confusion, and hurt, I asked him about the missing items. He told me the truth. He told me when, how, and where he'd taken them. We were able to get everything back.

Not only is he incarcerated in our state, but he's now facing charges in another state for breaking his probation. I've spoken with his probation officer, but he cannot tell me anything since we aren't married. In theory, if he were able to pay off his fines he wouldn't face any jail time in that state since his probation was supposed to have ended a couple months before his sentencing in this state. That's something we'll just have to wait as see about.

I have spoke to him recently. I know it hasn't been that long, but I can tell a big difference in him. He now owns up to his actions and is finally able to admit he has a drug problem. I want desperately to believe he is ready for recovery, but how can I be sure it's him saying that and not just the fact that he's in jail? I'm sure he means everything he says right now, but he's said it all so, so many times before. He's very good and telling people what they want, or need, to hear.

I may be reading more in to it than what's really there, but I'm all most certain he truly means it this time. This is the first time he's ever had to face any consequences for his actions, so reality is really setting in.

Now that you all know the back story, here's what I'm dealing with now, although I'm sure you all know where I'm going with this.

I was raised believing marriage is a sacred thing, and is truly 'til death do us part. I believe you have to take the bad, no matter how bad, with the good. It's easy for someone unattached to say "move on" when they don't have that emotional connection. None of my family has ever dealt with addiction. According to them I should just hate him, period. It's not that simple though. His family has dealt with his addiction for years, so I believe them when they tell me he was back to the "old Scott*" when we first got together. They saw a change for the better in him, bragged on how proud they were of him, and thanked God daily for bringing me in to his life.

I cannot convince myself, even though I've tried very hard to, that everything was a lie. In retrospect, I can see things now that should have been a red flag, but love is blind...and stupid. I have seriously tried to just move on. I don't think I can. I'll be okay for a couple/few days, then something as mundane as cleaning out the fish tank triggers a memory of him and my feeling of loss is so overwhelming, so devastating, that I break down and sob like a child. I've lost loved ones, including a parent, but never have I felt like this. The only thing I could compare it to would be the loss of a child.

Everything I do, everywhere I go makes me think of him. There are still certain songs I cannot listen to without having to pull off the road and cry. I honestly thought unconditional love was something reserved for our children, but I believe I have that same love for him. The situation's bad, I know that. But you can't just pack up and walk away when the road gets rough, can you? Relationships are hard work, but how do you know when it's worth fighting for?

The only people I have to talk to are his family, and, although I love them, they are a bit biased. People that know him, the REAL him, brag on him still. "If he could kick that habit of his, you couldn't find a better person. He'd do just about anything for anybody, give you the shirt off his back. And you won't find a harder worker than him." His ex-boss has made it clear that, no matter how long it is, when Scott* gets out his job will be waiting on him.

The heart wants what the heart wants, and mine wants Scott*. The fact that my family will more than likely disown me doesn't matter much. I'm 30+ and they still think they have the right to tell me what I can/cannot do and what I'm going/no going to do. I've also accepted the fact that I will always be a failure in their eyes. I'm just so sick and tired of doing things to make everyone else happy. I try to do what I can to keep the peace around here, but, again, I am sick of it. I am totally capable of making my own decisions whether they be good ones or bad; they're mine to make.

I apologize again for this being as long as it is. Like I said, I have no one to talk to so it's good to be able to get all this out. Please, please help me. I feel torn every day of my life. I know no one can tell me what to do, but advise is very welcomed!!! I just want to get back to my "normal", back to before things went so horribly wrong.
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Old 02-27-2013, 01:01 PM
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My ex led me down this path so I speak from experience. I am sorry that you are facing what you are facing. And I'm sorry your son has been exposed to addiction and loss at an early age.

I know as long as I stay in the present and don't "future trip" and as long as I put the best interests of my child first I will not make choices that I regret. So I try to be very cautious when it comes to trusting an addict. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me....

I just want to get back to my "normal", back to before things went so horribly wrong.
Unfortunately, I think you are going to have to face a "new normal". Your fiance is in prison for B&E. He has stolen from you. And he is addicted to drugs. Most addicts would be great people if they weren't addicts, but the problem is that they ARE addicts - and if they are already so far into the drugs and the life style that they are stealing to support their habit - they are pretty far along into their addiction and change is REALLY hard to sustain. Oh sure, it's really easy to talk about, but it's really hard to actually make it happen. So I'd really be carefully about believing any promises that an addict makes from jail. He may even believe them at the time he makes them but the proof is in the pudding - it's what he DOES when he gets out that matters. It's easy to say I'm changing my life when you are incarcerated and not faced with the difficulties and challenges and choices that are available in the real world. And of course, a person in jail is going to say anything he can to convince you that he has changed so he doesn't want to lose the life he had before he went to jail.

I encourage you to read everything on this website, focus on your son's future, let your boyfriend do the time for his crime while you build the best life for yourself and your child that is not dependent on someone who would be a really great guy IF he wasn't in jail or addicted to drugs (cuz that's a huge IF).

You have no control over what your boyfriend does when he gets out of jail. But you can have a good life no matter what he chooses, as long as you make wise choices.
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Old 02-27-2013, 01:21 PM
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He did all the right things: bringing me flowers he'd picked "just because", leaving "thinking of you" notes in my truck seat, rose petal paths from the door to the bedroom, candlelit home cooked diners, the works.

and....robbed you blind behind your back. quite the snow job. i'll get her so dazzled by those rose petals she won't notice i hawked the kid's Xbox, or stole gramma's silver, or snagged that $20 out of her purse.

Not only is he incarcerated in our state, but he's now facing charges in another state for breaking his probation. so felonies or at least ONGOING criminal charges in two states? this guy is sounding better all the time???

facts:
you never knew Old Scott
you know THIS Scott and he is
a drug addict
a convicted criminal
someone who stole from you
currently incarcerated with pending charges

this is what he has to offer you - and perhaps more importantly, your son. not exactly a sterling role model. not exactly sound marital material either. i'm sure he's singin' quite the tune now that he's locked up. boy he really sees the light now eh?

a year and a half in and you THOUGHT you knew him. but you didn't. not by a fair means. i'd be worried about what else i don't know.

take a few steps back. breathe. and try to look at this with an objective eye.
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Old 02-27-2013, 03:57 PM
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You are not married to the guy...so all the "marriage stuff" doesn't even come into play and you really don't even know the old or new Scott.

He is in prison for B&E, he is where he should be. Do you have any clue whatsoever what his future will look like after he gets released? A felony and prison on your record is serious business, it will affect his credit, his employment opportunities...his entire future and if you marry him, it will impact yours as well.

I would read Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much and google Adult Children Of Alcoholics/Drug Addicts...children are the true victims when they are raised in a home where addiction is present, not to mention some will be genetically predisposed to either becoming an addict themselves or marrying one.

Might be time to learn all you can about drug addiction and codependency...and consider your familys input, they are thinking with their heads, not their hearts.
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Old 03-01-2013, 07:50 AM
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Thank you all for the support. See, I know, in my head, you're right. I know it. In my heart, though, I feel I should stand by him. As far as my family is concerned, I take what they say with a grain of salt. Unless I were to marry a millionaire, regardless of his age, it's never going to be good enough. They have said as much. And you're right, he's saying all the right things again now. How he's done with that life, he'll do whatever he has to do to make things right, he's sorry, he never meant to hurt me, and everything else you can think of. One positive thing, he is attending NA meetings. Not court ordered, on his own. He wanted to start going. Regardless, I so want to believe him, but I know, I KNOW he'll say anything right now. My plan of action right now is to start putting my life back together, getting back to work. I may deal with this feeling of loss for quite some time, and may remain "alone" for quite some time, but I've got to carry on for my son, and that's what I'm going to do.
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Old 03-01-2013, 08:34 AM
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You know, too, that the odds of your "dreams" coming true are almost nil, right? I mean play the tape loop all the way through for your child's sake. The odds are that in 7 years your life will look like many of the other young wives you see on this forum who are at their wit's end, completely broken financially, with another baby on the way and no means of escape, family relationships are in tatters, and friends have all but disappeared. The rose petals and candle-lit dinners will LONG be a thing of the past, replaced with unrelenting fights about money, lies, unexplained disappearances, illness, and stress levels through the roof. No telling how all this chaos is affecting your child(ren)....that will take years to unfold.

I'm not saying that this is the way it WILL be. I'm saying that the odds...the real numbers....say that this is the way it is very likely to be.

If you stay the odds are great that one day you will regret it more than any other decision you've ever made.

Think with your head, not your heart. Your child deserves that and so do you. (((((Hugs))))))
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Old 03-01-2013, 09:05 AM
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@ Anvillhead II - Well said.
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Old 03-01-2013, 10:22 AM
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Welcome to SR......fortunately (or unfortunately depending on your perspective) you have come into a forum full of people with a massive amount of cumulative knowledge about addiction. They have no vested interest in your situation. They don't care if you marry a millionaire or not. They know addiction. They know addicts. They understand codependence. Many of them are recovering addicts, recovering codependents, or both, so they understand it from those perspectives. And....they call it like they see it.....as you have seen.

Every single person here will tell you that the addict in their lives, when clean and sober, is the most amazing person they know because it's true. Addicts are smart, charming, attentive......and when in active addiction, they are manipulative and use that intelligence and charm as a means of getting what they want to feed that addiction....drugs.....with little regard to how it may affect someone else. An addict NEEDS other addicts and good strong codependents in their life to continue their addiction. It's not because they don't really care, it's because addiction minimizes their perception of the impact that their addiction has on others......just like a codependent will use terms (and behaviors) that indicate that they are psychologically minimizing the impact that the addict has on themselves and the others (children, parents, friends) around them.

OF COURSE, his family loved it when you came into his life! As the mother of an addict (who, by the way, is intelligent, charming, witty and hollywood handsome), I would love for an angel to come along and change his life. And a good codependent parent might team up with the addict and tell that wonderful angel what a blessing she is to him because they see a short-term behavioral shift in the addict--he's got to have his A game on to pull it off. But that is an unrealistic dream. There is no one.....no one....who can change my son's life.....except him. Period. If love could cure addiction, this forum wouldn't be necessary.

I'm not suggesting that you high tail it and run away. You're going to do whatever you want to do and you get to live with the consequences of your decision, not me. But you've got a year (+/-) to do some things that will prepare you to deal with addiction if you choose to stick by your man. And most people......don't (or won't) do it......because it's hard......really hard. If you really want to have any chance at a relationship with this man, work the program you wish he would.....like your life depends on it. His does.

gentle hugs
ke
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