Yogagurl

I don’t really know where to begin. This has been such a long road for me and I have been neglected for so long, both by myself and my spouse.
I had financed a vehicle with my husband three months into our relationship and two weeks following; found out that he was using crack cocaine. I had no idea that he had ever used it in the first place. So, where there may have once been a boundary, I found myself accepting this behavior because I knew at that point, we had financial ties. And I’ve been using that damn truck as a crutch to allow his behavior to continue ever since.
The fights, emotional abuse, physical altercations, blame, worry, neglect, lies…. Oh my God, how they add up. And I’m tired. I’m so very tired of it all. Just Sunday night, he kept me up all night paranoid out of his mind, turning the lights on and off all night. I had to call in to the office the following day because I had not gotten any rest. He says to me, “I’m going to get a grip on this, I’m not going to use anymore, take my money and make sure I don’t spend it, drive me where I need to go, give me one more chance, I’m going to be a better man, I’m going to start helping around the house, I’m going to start taking care of you” and he never has. He lies to me every time he opens his mouth. It doesn’t matter about what. He claimed he got the oil changed one day while I was at work and he never did. He said a buddy owed him money and that he didn’t even ask for it back – he DID ask for it. He says he’s going to one place and goes to another.

The other morning, after he kept me up all night, he left at 4:00 AM to go to work. He didn’t go to meet his boss, he went to score some more crack. He came home at 4:30 AM, stoned out of his mind and asked me if I would take him to meet his crew like that. And I did. If I hadn’t had, he wouldn’t have made it to work. And he tells me later that morning that I treat him like a piece of sh*&, that I say things to him that are hurtful. Says he’s never going to do anything like that again. When he gets home from working out of town a couple of days, he goes straight to his truck and hits the can that he was smoking out of the morning that he left.

He doesn’t take me out. On my birthday, he said he was going out to get me a birthday card and said that he left it with his mom. The following day, I called his mom and she said he never stopped by her house with a card and had no idea what I was talking about. He was working out of town at the time, so I called and asked him – he said that he never got me one and that he went to the dope man’s house instead.
On Christmas Eve, I got home from work and he asked me for some of the money that I was holding for him to go get me a gift. He never went and got me a gift. We were supposed to have Christmas Eve with three different sets of families that night and we didn’t go to one. We were supposed to have gone to church that night and we never made it there either.
On Valentine’s Day, we didn’t go out; he didn’t get me a card, nothing. He was supposed to take me out the following weekend. He smoked our night out.

On my birthday in November, 2011, he left me at a bar and exploded my father’s truck from driving drunk. The following day, we were supposed to have taken an 8 day vacation in the mountains. We still haven’t gone because we can’t afford it. He never has the money.
In the past month, he has been to a detox facility, halfway house, and a state run rehabilitation facility. He was 4 days in detox, 5 days in the halfway house, and 3 days in the rehab. He says he doesn’t want to lose his truck. His sister and I have paid the brunt of the bills for the past couple of months. He doesn’t even have a driver’s license. If I left him, he wouldn’t be able to get the insurance and registration for that god*&#$ truck in his name. He hasn’t a license in 10+ years.
I do the laundry, the house chores, wash the dishes, do the grocery shopping, keep the pets fed and taken care of, have bout all of the appliances in the house (including two TV’s), keep track of all of the bills, and maintain every bit of responsibility in that house BY MYSELF. And I’m tired. I’m so god*&#$ tired. I need a better paying job to get the hell out of there all together and it’s driving me crazy!!

AnvilheadII

If I left him, he wouldn’t be able to get the insurance and registration for that god*&#$ in his name.

i think it's way beyond time to quit staying for the TRUCK?? you already pay for everything anyways, why not just BE DONE?

he's a crack addict. he's doing EXACTLY what long term crackheads do...live for crack. not you. not anything.

you are not responsible for him. not to get him to work, not to be bothered all night by some geeked out freak. quit doing for him what he should be doing for himself. and quit NOW. you don't deserve this, but you are the only one that holds the key.

jerect

I made way to many excuses to stay in my marriage when I needed to just cut the cord and let go.. Anvil is right eff the GD truck.. It's in your name so do what you want with it.. Sell it!!!! Ask yourself this question... What are you afraid of if you leave him??? I promise you whatever it is is not as bad as what it will be like if you stay...

Sometimes people come in our lives to help us learn to get go...

I've only been divorced for two months but my life is so much better.. My ex treated me a lot like your husband treats you.. Birthdays, valentines day, anniversaries... They were not acknowledged... Christmas was paid for by his mommy.. Yeah a grown man allowed his mom to buy HIS Christmas presents for his wife... I could go on and on.. I deserved better and so do you...

My God Anvil, I'm so glad your back.. I have missed you :-)

lightseeker

Anvilhead II is completely right - you hold the key.

If you have any question about whether it is justified to take hold of your life and the right to live in a drug free environment then reread what you just wrote.

We don't deserve medals for staying with people that mistreat us - we deserve them for taking care of ourselves.....doing whatever it takes to live in an environment where life can be not only tolerated but actually appreciated and enjoyed.

No one can make you leave, quit putting up with him, etc. until you are ready to do so. I let a house keep me with my ex for way longer than I should have. The house actually was no excuse. I stayed because something in me was compelling me to stay. All of my reasons for staying were excuses. I wasn't willing to accept the lifestyle changes, loss of his income/help with the bills, downsizing, being alone, etc. that would occur when I left him.

The fact is....leaving in a 1 room hut - heck, even a tent - would have been better than staying with my ex. He was a sober crack addict (as in no recovery program - he just quit). Only he acted just like an active addict but meaner. I actually liked him somewhat better when he was in active addiction. Anyway....

I had to figure out that staying in a situation where I was allowing myself to be mistreated was my own doing. There are ways out of it though. You have to get creative, maybe downsize your life style, go back to the drawing board - but you don't have to keep living in the chaos.

I remember how trapped I felt by my situation. It took awhile for me to realize that I was the one with the key to unlock the chains that were keeping me tied to him. I know that is the key that Anvil is talking about.

Begin planning, envision what you life will look like in the months to come. Once I started planning to go it took me about 3 years to actually do it. But when I did - boom/bam - I was gone. I actually made a "vision board" of how I wanted my life to look in 5 years at the beginning of the 3 years. By plotting/planning and "visioning" I got out 2 years early than my 5 year plan. What I should have done was envision a 6 month plan (or less) in the first place.

But....I'm returning to "it takes what it takes".....for someone to quit using drugs, for us to get out of the line of fire. We all have our own issues - I know that I do..... Just want to let you know that if you set your mind to it, get creative, be willing to downsize - it can be done.

hello-kitty

Yikes yogagurl. Sitting around with a paranoid and psychotic crack addict until 4 am and then driving them to work just makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Do you have any boundaries of what you will and will not do in a relationship? Why are you allowing a crack addict to have so much power over you?

If nothing changes, nothing changes - and that means you have to change, not him. If you are waiting for him to change, well don't hold your breathe because nothing in the world is more powerful than crack cocaine - not you, not love, not money, not anything. His addiction, behavior and lies will get worse and worse and more bizarre and more dangerous. That is the natural progression of crack addiction. And you probably don't know the half of it... (I'm sorry.)

Get out of the way, or get run over.

Yogagurl

I know!! It's absolutely DISGUSTING the way that I have gotten to the place that I am right now. I once broke up with a guy because he told me that my tattoos were going to hold me back from my full potential. And here I am, being absolutely taken for granted in every aspect of my life, spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially - I'm nothing like the person that I used to be. I let the SOB run all over me. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!? I make up excuses for the way he treats me: "he is bi-polar, he's having a bad day, he's ADHD, he's an addict and all he thinks about is getting his next fix, so I understand why he neglects me." ETC ETC. I do this all to myself. And I can't figure out WHY!

If I left him, he would be homeless within a month. His family are just as much there to enable him as I am right now. He feeds off of anyone and everyone that he can feed off of financially. There's even a grocery store clerk who has a crush on him that he uses for money (it's a man and the guy is gay). I wonder how people get so far down the rabbit hole when it comes to codependency?

I am a college graduate and have a job in the pharmaceutical industry. I don't drink or do drugs at all. I practice yoga and Eastern religion as a way of life. And I am involved with a total parasite that I can't shake. He makes everyone feel sorry for him and his disease. Like, "look at me, aren't I pitiful??" His FAMOUS words are "I didn't mean to." And I think to myself, "how sad is this person who has no control over his actions, he works so hard and gets so little for his hard work...." My compassion keeps me trapped. I jsut think about what it would be like to be in his shoes and to be THAT far in this crack addiction hole and how I would want SOMEONE to be there for me unconditionally. So, I disregard my own feelings, well being, and happiness to support him. I am literally sacraficing every morsel of energy (emotional and physical) to keeping our home stable. It is the SICKEST thing I have ever done in my life. It's like the more his addiction took over him, it was taking me over at the same rate. His addiction is controlling me. How the hell does that happen??????

dollydo

" His addiction is controlling me. How the hell does that happen?????? "

It happens because we are codependent, we wear rose colored glasses and play "lets pretend" that we can help and or rescue another.

What does he have to offer you? He has no license, you drive him around, you support him... there is a reason you stay, and it is your choice, just as he made the choice to use crack and not embrace recovery. He is addicted to one horrible drug, and has a disease that has no cure, he will be an addict all his life, it just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program or not.

Addicts are very good manipulators, he will find another enabler faster than you can say recovery.

You can either go down with the ship or row to the shore, it is your decision.

hello-kitty

I don't know sweetie. You aren't alone. I've been there. We've all been there in one way or another. I think the first step is to recognize it's happened so I think you are on the way to recovery. You seem like a really smart, together girl. I KNOW you can get through this and come out on top. You CAN shake him. First things first. One baby step at a time. Try writing down some boundaries and the steps you will take if they are violated. I found putting things on paper was a great exercise -very eye opening - and it gave me a plan that I could stick with.

PS. Sorry if my post was so blunt but I have sat up with a person who was high on crack all night and your post really hit home with me. I was you. (Minus the yoga ) I hope you have reached your bottom when it comes to your codependency. You can turn this around if you are ready. It's not easy at first, but it's worth it.

lightseeker

I, too, hope that you have hit your bottom....but if you haven't, that's ok, too. As I keep saying, it takes what it takes.

I believed that my ex would dissolve into a heap without me as well...homeless, spiral down, what have you. Nope....he's using crack again but pulling down 100K a year, running his own business, conning the world. I thought that without me he would not have done as well as he is doing. What I forgot is that addicts are incredibly resourceful.

My compassion for him won out for far too long. The thing that I didn't realize was that if I kept doing what I was doing then he was going to keep using...and he did until I began to change (as in working my own recovery program). I needed to learn the difference between compassion and doing for someone what they should do for themselves.

I agree, you seem like a smart woman...but one that has gotten involved with an addict. I am successful in many ways and definitely not someone that you would normally expect to get involved with a bipolar, adhd, crack addict....but I did. So....I finally took a big look at myself and got really real......I recognized that I had to be pretty sick myself to have chosen a man ensnared with addiction - to crack, no less. I recognized that "normal" people don't do that. Or...as soon as they realize that they have done that they walk away....they don't stay because they are "compassionate". You can be compassionate without taking a front row seat to the whole deal.

You remind me a lot of me in some ways and so I can begin to recognize the urge within myself to figure out some wise words to help you save yourself without all of the pain that I went through. After reading your last post I realize that the best thing that I can say is that since you do recognize that what you are going through feels sick to you that maybe it is time to seek professional help. I know that when I was at the same place where you are now that is what helped me the most....I started individual and group counseling, went to Naranon, and read everything that I could. Even still, it really took me a long time to finally understand how much I was hurting myself AND HIM by continuing to function as a part of an unhealthy relationship. I bought into the fact that my compassion was the only thing that he had left. It took me a long time to realize that I was depriving him of the dignity to figure out how to save himself.....all the while, I gave myself away to his addiction.

I realize that none of my words will make a difference at this point. But I am sorry you are going through this...and I do hope that you will seek out a recovery program of your own. If nothing else, it might help you tolerate his using in ways that help you perserve yourself. I met a woman in Naranon whose husband routinely relapsed and her program helped her to find a place of peace and strength within herself.

Yogagurl

He has nothing to offer me, and he never has. He asked me last night if I still loved him. I replied, "Why are you asking, because I have no reason to?" He was immediately offended that I would say something like that, which I felt was his way of turning the finger at me so that I would feel bad for hurting his feelings. But the bottom line is that he chooses not to work a recovery program. He knows that he needs support, but he chooses not to. The addiction always takes over and drives him to a friends house when he should be at a meeting. Or finding a way to get gas to get to the dope house. When he's coming home from being out of town, his excitement is about using and nothing else.

The issue with the truck is that is in both of our names. I keep making excuses not to sell it, but the bottom line is that he throws ABSOLUTE temper tantrums that end up blowing up into these violent, ridiculous episodes and I know that selling the truck is going to set him off into a nightmare. If I could sell it while he wasn't around, it would save so much trouble, but he won't stay in a rehabilitation program long enough to make a move. I'm afraid that he will stop making the payments and I have worked hard to restore my credit after the college hit.


Hello-Kiity,

Thank you for the comment! On the contrary, the comment struck a chord in me. You don't think about the insanity of what you are doing while in the midst of your own dysfunction, and it's not like this is something that I discuss openly with family and friends. When I hear myself say these things out loud, or I have someone to comment on just exactly how absurd my behaviour has become, it helps to move the person into a different perspective. The average person would not stay up all night with a crack addict, or even associate with one. I have never associated with addicts - EVER. And to think that I am married to one. It blows my mind. Yet, I'm still here.

Lightseeker - what am amazing post! Thank you for your comments. Your words are streamed with the wisdom of experience. I am sorry that you have gone through the same conditions that I have gone through but I am sure that you are a better person because of it, as cliche as that sounds.

To all who have commented on my post, I thank you. I would like to ask how long you were involved before you started seeking help? Before you realized you had hit your bottom? And what was bottom for you? Does anyone else have any experience with dealing with the psychosis and paranoia that crack causes to a long term user and what is your experience? I'm just looking to relate to someone else....

dollydo

Me. with my exabf, less than a year. I knew I hit my bottom when I was firing at him in my back yard with a BB gun, I had officially lost my mind. He was an alcoholic, crack addict, and as paranoid as the day was long.

Last I knew he had switched to pain pills and is still crazy, his mind is gone, 20 years of crack (plus pot, xanax, alcohol) use has destroyed his mind and his body.

hello-kitty

Me. I actually started smoking crack with my boyfriend and got extremely addicted to the stuff. So I know all about the paranoia and the tweaking and the disgusting lifestyle that crack addicts lead. I was a part of that for about two years. But as I look back, I realize the crack addiction was just a culmination of all the other experiences I had in my life. I didn't magically end up an addict. All my life choices got me there. In a sense the addiction to crack was my bottom. I rolled around there for a while and then I had to fight to get out of it. I wanted to quit. I knew I had to quit. But I kept on smoking anyway. The drug had me.

Then I found myself pregnant. Getting pregnant is not enough motivation for many people to quit using, but for me it was and I reached out for help - NA, clean and sober friends, websites, god, you name it. I was willing to do whatever it took to get clean and stay clean. It was hard as hell. Crack speaks to you. It twists up your brain. It becomes part of your personality. It actually has a voice that calls to you. Those cravings can talk. But I got through it. I learned "not to use no matter what" and "one is too many and a thousand is never enough" and "there's nothing that bad in life that one hit off a crack pipe won't make a million times worse". And despite all advice to the contrary, I stayed with my boyfriend.

So then I was clean but my boyfriend wasn't. I was supporting a crack addict, raising a baby by myself and working hard to stay in recovery. Eventually I gave up my addiction to the crack addict. I was introduced to this website. I worked through my issues that caused me to choose an addict in the first place. I set boundaries. I learned to enforce them. Gradually I took back my life from him. That took about 2-4 years... maybe more. On again off again... maybe this time he's changed... in jail... out of jail... lies and manipulations.... I'm past that now (even though the occasional contact related to our son throws me for a loop sometimes.) And my life is a billion gazillion times better than I ever dreamed possible.

PS. The pyschosis and paranoid delusions are very real stuff to an addict. It can be dangerous. They REALLY believe what is happening and they have very limited control over what they do when they are high. It can be dangerous - I've seen guys who are normally very sweet and nonagressive beat the crap out of their girlfriends because they have a paranoid delusion that they are cheating on them. And the longer you use crack over time - the more the paranoia and psychosis progresses. Crack addicts go crazy and they end up one of three places if they don't quit - jails, institutions or dead.

The thing to remember Yogagurl is that YOU have absolutely NO control over his crack addiction or his choices. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. You really do need to get out of it's way. Or you will go down with him. Crack is a dangerous drug. Be careful.

Natsy

I wish that I could hug you right now. I wish I knew you because I would be at your house with tissues, coffee, and a baseball bat. I wouldn't hit him. I'd tell the ******* "get the **** out." Wile my husband struggles, I have also been dealing with my adult brother who is addicted to heroin. I called the cops and had him arrested. I've seen the affects of crack. It's very sad and they never hit rock bottom. You need to make them hit rock bottom. Call his boss and say he will be put of work for a bit. If he has a warrant. Use it to your advantage. Its bad advice. I know. If you love him, you need to help him. He won't accept the help so you need to force it on him.

You are in my heart and I've just added one more person to my prayer list.

Natsy

one more thought......you are more powerful than you know. I don't think it's about a truck or insurance. I know it's about that feeling in your heart.

AnvilheadII

hold up there NATSY, please don't tell her SHE hasn't been doing it right and SHE has to force him to recover?? that's not her job. i'm sure she feels enough of a burden right now without another newcomer chiming in on how best to INTERFERE and try and control someone else's addiction.

we share OUR experience strength and hope. it is very unwise to suggest that someone try to get between a crack addict and their using. crack addicts are paranoid, volatile, pyschotic and DANGEROUS. HER safety should come FIRST, not what SHE needs to do to get HIM to quit.

AnvilheadII

yogagurl - i too like Kitty am a former crack addict, as is my husband. his using career was much longer, 20+ years, first coke than crack. we met in what was to be his final few years of using. in fact he was about 3 hours IN to a relapse the night we met.

i clocked in about 4.5 years, which isn't THAT long, but believe it seemed about a lifetime too long! crack is awful, nasty stuff and it gets you QUICK. and just like Kitty said, it speaks to you. calls you, screams at you. i could be at work (which i barely managed to keep doing) and i would FEEL when he got some crack. my stomach would do about three rolls...then the phone would call and he'd say "we just had a visitor (aka dopeman)" and i would feel violently ill, breathless and wouldn't last another ten minutes at my desk. i HAD to go. as fast as humanly possible. no other thought was possible.

crack doesn't let go easily. in fact it will try everything to simply devour a person...it's true evil. one of it's nicknames is the Devil's Candy. it wants your soul. had you or anyone attempted to come between me and the pipe there would have been a war. and i am NOT a violent person. until the dope hits the plate. then i turn into a slathering drooling fiend with one thought and one thought only...MORE.

i never planned to get hooked. and once i was i worked steady hard at "trying" to quit...thus 4.5 years. and then finally was so dang sick of myself and being ruled by that damn drug that i had finally just said NO MORE. my husband? he wasn't really on board with that. not for a while. what actually brought ME to SR was my failed attempts to GET him to quit, or want to quit. that just made everything worse!

what i learned here was to establish boundaries and be ready to enforce them. i had to put MY recovery first and if that meant leaving, SO BE IT. i had to be ready and willing to do WHATEVER it takes to stay clean.

Yogagurl

Dear all-

I keep reading these posts over and over again. The more that I read them, the more that I understand that I need to get a hold of myself and this situation. I have a telephone interview tomorrow and if I can land a job making more money than I am right now, I can afford to get out and stay out.

I am currently seeing a therapist and have been seeing her weekly for several months. I haven't gotten to the point where I am talking about how ill I am. I just go in and talk about the day to day affairs. She is an ear, but not someone who has directed me to any kind of al-anon or 12 step program for my disease. She is a great resource, none the less. After having read this post several times, I am going to make an effort to get into some al-anon meetings (we don't have any nar-anon meetings in my neck). Maybe there are some CODA meetings around my area. I am definately going to look into it though. The more that I read, the more at peace I am coming to the day that I have to turn my back and walk away from all this. It's just a matter of making sure that I can do this on my own.

Kitty & Anvil -

Thank you SO SO VERY much for sharing your experiences with me. Your stories are starting to make the fact that this addiction is way out of my hands SINK IN. That's what I need! I need it to sink in. By reading those posts and hearing from someone what it feels like, what the voice is like, how powerful it is, it's helping me to accept the harsh reality that as much as I WANT my husband to live a normal and enjoyable life, he will not be able to do so with crack tugging at his soul. And it seems that it will never stop, but only cease when he chooses to make the efforts to put this addiction into submission. He has been to jail, said that he would be sober when he got released, the following day he used. He was in an accident that left him handicapped for 6 months. 3 months into his income, if that, he started using again. It doesn't matter where he goes or what he does, it is inside of him and it is a part of him. Especially since he's been a user for a decade (yeah, I found out that bull@#$% way after we were involved - I love how no one in his family was like, "I need to tell you, he's a crack addict and has been since he was 20 y/o").

All these things that you all speak of are helping. The posts are helping me to come to this grip that I have lost hold of. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me and to read what it is that I have to say. It's lonely in my world. So lonely.

Natsy

Sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out like you werent doing anything about it. I'm sorry. I am probably not good at offering advice. I think empowering is my strong point

Keep your head up.

allforcnm

Your therapist cant be of true value to you, unless you are honest with her regardiing what is really going on in your life. Since you are already established with this person, I would definetly try to walk in there and lay it all out for her. She will understand the delay in your confessions... it takes as long as it takes for these things to come out in therapy. It sounds like now is your time. Take your time to think, plan, and then execute your wishes.

Oz11

Boy, u make my drug withdraw seem so easy. But u have to save yourself, life is too short. Maybe it will even save him. I will keep u in my thought for a solution.