Many addicts die, but my addict was given another chance....
 

My husband died 5 years ago. I found him lifeless, blue, swallowing his tongue, and not breathing. I'm only 110 lbs and he was 280 lbs. I pulled him out of bed and performed CPR while on the phone with 911. When the police came, one who knew him, punched him the chest out of frustration and screamed "COME ON" It kicked started his heart and he jumped up. He spent the next week in ICU. They asked me "do you smoke crack?" WTF! No, I don't smoke crack. "Do you take pills or other drugs?" I waited till they left and I read my husbands chart. It can't be! Cocaine, opiates from Percocet and oxycodone, and his gas levels were so high. God gave him his life back. God gave him a chance to be with me and be a father. I didn't know that he would be this man. He died. He promised to never ever ever touch another drug. I am an enabler. I admit it.

How are you an enabler?

Am I? I think I am. I think I allow him to be what he is. Notice I said what and not who. He is a drug addict. I stay. I cry with him. I believe his lies. I walk away when he wants to feed me ********. I never stay to fight. It's all a secret. Am I? Please tell me I'm not.

hmmm.... only you can decide if you are an enabler. Its not that you allow him to be what he is, its that you allow it in your presence. this isn't your fault and you can't change him. I was an enabler. It was hard to co.e to terms with. so glad you are here. keep posting. every storm runs out of rain.

Ok.....I am. I am an enabler. Seems empowering to say. Kind of sickening.
I should stand strong. I should stand my ground. I should stand up to his evil monster and tell it where to go. The man I married is in there. I see him every once in awhile. I see the evil monster more. This was a small step in the right direction. This website. Thank you.

If you can allow him to be an addict, then that gives you power over his choices ~ in reality we learn we are powerless over people, places, and things ~

If we had the power to make them addicts, then we would have the power to make them stop. . . and we don't.

Just how it was explained to me by some wise members in my recovery groups ~

It is heartbreaking to watch our loved ones continue on the path that this disease takes them ~ the best thing we can do is to focus on our own recovery and give them to their HP ~ or at least that is what is working for me today.

wishing you peace, joy, hope and serenity,

pink hugs,

Thank you. You've all filled my heart with something. I'm not sure what it is though. I do know that it's replaced some of my anger. I don't feel like punching him in the face right now. I feel like dragging him to the car and going to a meeting.

just a suggestion - leave him & go to a meeting for you (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon) ~ you will probably have better results because you are ready to hear what is going to being said - right now, he's not ready (according to what you have posted)

:)

You'll never be able to change him. Staying there. Crying with him. Believing his lies. It won't change anything. He is who he is. Take it or leave it.

Here is a little test, answer three or more with a yes and you are probably a codependent.

1. Do you feel responsible for the actions of another person?

2. Do repeatedly loose sleep worrying about another person?

3. Do you feel compelled or obligated to help another person, before your own obligations or needs?

4. Do you suppress thoughts or feelings about helping another, only to “explode” in anger later?

5. Do you feel rejected or angry when another person does not want your help?

6. Do you over commit yourself to groups or committees, only to feel angry about your commitment?

7. Do you go to work early and stay late because the boss “needs you”?

8. Do you stay late at work to “clean up” after your employees or co-workers?

9. Do you work long hours but do not charge your employer or client for the work you performed?

10. Do you obsessively clean the house, do laundry, cook, to please someone else?

1. Do you worry more about the kid’s, spouse, or significant other’s activities than your own?

12. Do you take on extended families, e.g. other people’s kids?

13. Do you live with or “involved with” an alcoholic, drug addict, gambler, sex addict, etc.?

14. Do feel like or have you ever been called a “Dry Drunk”?

15. Do you find yourself “enabling” another person in their addiction?

16. Do you sometimes find yourself “sabotaging” another person’s attempts at recovery?

17. Do you feel ashamed about your family or personal relationships?

18. Do you deny or hide the fact that your family may have been troubled, repressive or dysfunctional?

19. Do you find yourself unnecessarily stealing from or spying from your partner or children, e.g. bank accounts, mail, e-mail, day planners, etc.?

20. Do you easily get confused, depressed, lethargic or sick particularly after helping another person?

21. Do you go to doctors to get tranquilizers or sedatives?

22. Are you experiencing long term physical symptoms of stress, e.g. premature hair graying or rapid hair loss, varicose veins, ulcers, menstrual irregularities, etc.?

23. Do you sometimes feel that mental or physical abuse by another is your fault?

24. Do you sometimes “wish” another person were dead?

25. Do you sometimes wish both you and another person were dead?

26. Do you have thoughts of suicide?

I've decided to go to Chuck e cheese. Doesn't the cure everything? Maybe not cure, but their is nothing like playing games with a 3 year old and chowing on junk food.

I was at an indoor play centre with my 3 year old yesterday, it can be a lot of fun. It
also is a place where it's easy to forget the crap and focus on your kid.
I left my addict 8 months ago and am sometimes still caught up in the insanity.And my daughter is becoming more aware of it. Yesterday she wanted new batteries for a toy and she told me "he is dead like daddy", I guess she must have heard me talk about my fear he would die.
I love Alanon. Have you tried to go to their meetings? I found a great one in a women centre where they offer childcare during the meetings. I feel so lucky to have found it.
If you haven't been to Alanon meetings you should try it, also buy their book "how alanon works" and read it. It's about $5 and is a great read.