chickady

Why is it that we think this thought:

"Well what if he changes for the next one? Maybe I should've stayed because he will want to get better?"

How could we ever believe that the addict really truly loved us when they themselves don't even love who they are?

Def. having a codependent morning.

MsPINKAcres

((chickady))

just sending out some comforting thoughts for you ~ I think many of us have experienced these same feelings - please remember this is NOT about you, as we all had to learn it wasn't about us ~

it is about the nature of this horrid disease called addiction/alcoholism ~

please keep reaching out for help for YOU ~ you deserve to be happy, joyous and free from the pain - regardless of the choices our loved ones make ~

pink hugs,

EverHopeful721

I often think the same thing, chickady. I never wanted to walk away, always hoping and praying that he would change and not only want to get help, but would need MY help (yep, codependent here) and would then be able to give me the love I so craved from him. So I promised him I'd wait for him and would always be there for him. And what did he do?? HE ended up walking away from ME. As soon as he found somebody else who either enables him more, or uses with him, he dumped me without a second thought for me or my feelings, as if he had never told me he loved me and that he just needed time to get his head on straight, etc. And in the days since, the little demon in my head has persisted in taunting me, telling me that now this girl is getting all of the love and affection that I practically begged for, that the problem wasn't him and his addiction, it was me and the fact that I wasn't (good) enough for him. But you're so right. He evidently doesn't even love himself, so how could he ever love anyone else? He didn't love me, he won't love the new one and he's probably never loved any of the others, which is why they've all left him sooner or later. I don't think he even knows what love is.

Thank you for reminding me that no matter what we think we would have, could have or should have done differently, it wouldn't have made a difference.

shinebright7

I am asking myself some similar things -- about how I can believe anything my husband has said because there have been so many instances of lying. As if his lying about the pills and drinking means that he's been lying about so many other things. Ugh. So painful to think that.

But it is not my business if my husband lies to me. Right now, I see that I can not control what another person says to me. I can not make someone tell me the truth. If I find out someone has lied to me, that will start to affect my relationship with that person and if it happens enough times, we may not remain friends. And in my marriage, that can definitely affect it too.

But I am not going to get attached this time around to my husband telling me the truth. Oh my God, that was so frustrating before. Instead, I am going to focus on me. I am going to focus on being detached with love. I am going to look at actions and respond to them...rather than have expectations and then react to them not being met.

I feel like we are starting fresh this time when my husband comes home tomorrow. It's not going to be the same as before becuase this time I AM DIFFERENT. I am working on me and I am more aware. I have boundaries and I am clear that I need to take care of myself and I see my husband's condition as the disease that it is -- which NOT PERSONAL to me. Man, it really helps me to see it that way.

Can I be sure I won't be hurt when/if he lies to me again? No, but I'm going to do my best not to expect him to be one way or the other. Better for me if I can just show up as the best person I can be and see what happens. one day at a time. xo