I miss the man I once loved. Dead? Not yet....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 36
I miss the man I once loved. Dead? Not yet....
My husband is addicted to oxycodone and the lifestyle that goes with it. He has spent the past 3 years trying to get off of his 7 year addiction. Yes, it's been 10 long long years. He's a semi-functioning addict. He goes to work, comes home, sits on the couch, complains about dinner, complains about the house, leaves to go get junk food (usually gone 30 minutes), goes to bed.
He smells. Rarely showers. Can't get an erection. We haven't had sex in years. We have a 3 year old. He last bedded me November 2009.
We live in a beautiful house. I love to cook and bake. We have a beautiful daughter. He has it all. It's just no good enough. I've started thinking its me. I'm not good enough or sexy enough. I lost 40 lbs and bought lingerie.
I take him on trips and buy him nice things. I buy our house nice things. He never notices.
I know about his problem, but after he went to rehab 3 years ago, he would flip out on me when I would ask him how he was handling himself. He says he doesn't take pills and I'm f cking nuts. He calls me c nt and tells me. I Just love getting him started and put it in his head. He finally came clean again. He never stopped. He is now home 3 months out of work and he promised to get off them. I've dealt with this for 3 years. Every weekend is spent in bed with hi detox and withdraw. Every Summer vacation is spent with him in bed for a week detox and withdraw. Every holiday vacation is spent the same. I'm sad and lonely.
He smells. Rarely showers. Can't get an erection. We haven't had sex in years. We have a 3 year old. He last bedded me November 2009.
We live in a beautiful house. I love to cook and bake. We have a beautiful daughter. He has it all. It's just no good enough. I've started thinking its me. I'm not good enough or sexy enough. I lost 40 lbs and bought lingerie.
I take him on trips and buy him nice things. I buy our house nice things. He never notices.
I know about his problem, but after he went to rehab 3 years ago, he would flip out on me when I would ask him how he was handling himself. He says he doesn't take pills and I'm f cking nuts. He calls me c nt and tells me. I Just love getting him started and put it in his head. He finally came clean again. He never stopped. He is now home 3 months out of work and he promised to get off them. I've dealt with this for 3 years. Every weekend is spent in bed with hi detox and withdraw. Every Summer vacation is spent with him in bed for a week detox and withdraw. Every holiday vacation is spent the same. I'm sad and lonely.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Natsy what a tragic post. But you have come to the right place. Just give it a few hours and many others far more experienced than me - with very good advice will reply to you. But start now with reading the stickies at the top of this forum. With the SR community behind you, you will start to get support and advice, to pick up the pieces of your life. You deserve so much more. Your husband is never going to change. The only thing you can do for yourself and your daughter - is change yourself. Get support. If not possible to throw your husband out - then begin to get support. Put boundaries in place. One day at a time.
God bless you.
God bless you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find support and comfort here. The sadness, hopelessness, and anger are palpable in your post.
They say that the addict won't truly help himself until he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. Well.....that goes for the people who love them too. We eventually get so tired of the life that we are living and trying to cope with addiction that we (hopefully) become desperate enough to want to get help for ourselves.
Recognizing our own powerlessness over addiction is a great catalyst to improving our own lives....it was for me. It is possible to find joy again and peace......whether the addict continues to use or not. I found that I had more control than I realized.....but it wasn't control over the addict. Once I stopped focusing on him and began focusing on myself, my life improved dramatically.
I hope you stick around. Read. Learn. If you haven't read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, that may be a great place to start. Also, consider looking into some meetings for face to face support (Al-Non, Nar-Anon) and/or individual counseling. Those are all things that helped me greatly.
gentle hugs
ke
They say that the addict won't truly help himself until he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. Well.....that goes for the people who love them too. We eventually get so tired of the life that we are living and trying to cope with addiction that we (hopefully) become desperate enough to want to get help for ourselves.
Recognizing our own powerlessness over addiction is a great catalyst to improving our own lives....it was for me. It is possible to find joy again and peace......whether the addict continues to use or not. I found that I had more control than I realized.....but it wasn't control over the addict. Once I stopped focusing on him and began focusing on myself, my life improved dramatically.
I hope you stick around. Read. Learn. If you haven't read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, that may be a great place to start. Also, consider looking into some meetings for face to face support (Al-Non, Nar-Anon) and/or individual counseling. Those are all things that helped me greatly.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Everywhere
Posts: 28
I'm sorry to hear of the place you're in. Posts like yours, though, remind me to stay strong and not give in to my aexbf. It is always hard but knowing that this disease is far more powerful than any one of us makes it important for us to move on.
I hope you find peace in the future and are able to regain your healthy self once again.
I hope you find peace in the future and are able to regain your healthy self once again.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am sorry, this is no way to live. Do you attend Naranon meetings?
My main concern is for your daughter, a child should never be raised in a home where
addiction is present. Children hear and see everything, and, will carry their childhood into adulthood. She will, as an adult, live what she sees, it is ok to call a women horrible names, it's ok for men to use drugs, detox and lay around all day. Her mind is like a sponge, she doesn't miss a thing. Children learn by example. You are her voice, her future.
There are some great books written about adult children of alcoholics/addicts (makes no matter if the addiction is alcohol or drugs). You might want to google the topic.
I am the daughter of an abusive alcoholic, I lived it, I still bear the scars today, I prayed that someone would come and rescue me & my brother...no one did. As children we had no choices, as an adult you do, you can leave and make a better life for you and your daughter.
It is all up to you. Make her well-being your priorty.
Keep reading others posts, read the stickeys at the top of this forum.
My main concern is for your daughter, a child should never be raised in a home where
addiction is present. Children hear and see everything, and, will carry their childhood into adulthood. She will, as an adult, live what she sees, it is ok to call a women horrible names, it's ok for men to use drugs, detox and lay around all day. Her mind is like a sponge, she doesn't miss a thing. Children learn by example. You are her voice, her future.
There are some great books written about adult children of alcoholics/addicts (makes no matter if the addiction is alcohol or drugs). You might want to google the topic.
I am the daughter of an abusive alcoholic, I lived it, I still bear the scars today, I prayed that someone would come and rescue me & my brother...no one did. As children we had no choices, as an adult you do, you can leave and make a better life for you and your daughter.
It is all up to you. Make her well-being your priorty.
Keep reading others posts, read the stickeys at the top of this forum.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Johnston, RI
Posts: 16
I can relate Natsy. I too lived with an oxy addict and his personal hygiene became sickening to me. It's like they can not and do not want anything else in their lives except the pills. Believe me when I tell you, 'it's not you' - he has chosen a mistress that you cannot compete with. Drugs take over people's lives and the addict is the only one that can make that all stop. Sometimes it's too late when they decide to 'recover'. In my own life I believe he will never stop using, as a matter of fact he has said that to me. He can continue that lifestyle but I'm done with all of that. The man he presented himself to me was all a lie. I lived with it for more than seven years and I couldn't stand it any longer. Be good to yourself and child, he doesn't need you, he needs the pills.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I agree with dollydo, the child will absorb the unconscious of the family, absorb the father's mental illness and the mother's emotional illness. The child will carry the burdens of her parents. And it isn't fair.
Whatever in your history--a childhood of neglect or abuse, or a previous adult relationship which beat you down, or simply an innate loving nature which is so soft it will make you an easy mark for someone else's control of you--deal with it. Get professional help for yourself, a therapist who will work with you to help you find your ground again, grow a backbone, reclaim your principles, and believe in yourself again. It is your responsibility as an adult and as the parent of a young child to address your situation with action, and that can start with therapy over the long-term. If you have a beautiful house and beautiful things but a suffering soul, it is all meaningless.
We here know what happens to us when we are isolated with an addict. The darkness of the disease subtly and insidiously drains us of our vital life force and we begin to die in spirit. We suffer anxiety, depression, self-doubt. We think that if we change for the addict--lose weight, sexier clothes, better cooking, learn to ski, whatever might please him--that we will affect a change in his ADDICTION. It sounds so crazy, doesn't it? That we think if we just stock up on enough sexy clothes we will overpower the obsession and compulsion of his chemically and physically altered brain? But that is the pattern.
Get a therapist and go twice a week in the beginning and stick with it for a minimum one year. Get an Al-Anon meeting and attend it every week, no excuses. See your doctor for a check-up and an evaluation to determine if you need an anti-depressant to balance your chemistry so you have the mental health to do what needs to be done.
You must find the last little drop of life in you, dear, to fight for your right to a home that is a sanctuary and not a mental asylum.
Whatever in your history--a childhood of neglect or abuse, or a previous adult relationship which beat you down, or simply an innate loving nature which is so soft it will make you an easy mark for someone else's control of you--deal with it. Get professional help for yourself, a therapist who will work with you to help you find your ground again, grow a backbone, reclaim your principles, and believe in yourself again. It is your responsibility as an adult and as the parent of a young child to address your situation with action, and that can start with therapy over the long-term. If you have a beautiful house and beautiful things but a suffering soul, it is all meaningless.
We here know what happens to us when we are isolated with an addict. The darkness of the disease subtly and insidiously drains us of our vital life force and we begin to die in spirit. We suffer anxiety, depression, self-doubt. We think that if we change for the addict--lose weight, sexier clothes, better cooking, learn to ski, whatever might please him--that we will affect a change in his ADDICTION. It sounds so crazy, doesn't it? That we think if we just stock up on enough sexy clothes we will overpower the obsession and compulsion of his chemically and physically altered brain? But that is the pattern.
Get a therapist and go twice a week in the beginning and stick with it for a minimum one year. Get an Al-Anon meeting and attend it every week, no excuses. See your doctor for a check-up and an evaluation to determine if you need an anti-depressant to balance your chemistry so you have the mental health to do what needs to be done.
You must find the last little drop of life in you, dear, to fight for your right to a home that is a sanctuary and not a mental asylum.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 36
Thank you for the wonderful responses. They made me cry. I said something that I didn't mean. I said I was sad and lonely. I'm not sad and lonely. I have a wonderful child. Oh trust me....I shield her fom everything. Her and I are best friends. We do everything together. When it snows, I'm out their shoveling, building snowmen, sledding, etc...
When it's spring and summer, we are planting flowers, going to the beach, swimming. Riding bikes, etc...
You get the picture. I am her everything. I am the man of the house and I am the woman of the house. She loves her father because he plays with her when he is feeling good. It just happens to be that every weekend he spends sick in bed. It's disgusting to me.
I've reached a point in my life where I realize my sadness. I have never been addicted to anything. I have never taken a drug. I don't drink. I only live for my child. I too grew up with an alcoholic father. I always thought my mom was so mean, but now I see that she was sad and lonely and just wanted a different life for us. I love my parents and they are a great support system for me. My dad made mistakes as a husband, but he was always a great dad. I say the same for my husband. He is a great dad. He is not a great role model. To be exceptional, you need to be great at everything.
I am a stay at home mom. I'm thankful that he allows me to stay home. I don't care about the names as they are just words. I care more about the idea that one day he will die. One day his body will give up. What would happen to my baby if we lost him? She would never understand.
I once knew this man who loved me so much. He walked past me in the hallway in 9th grade. I thought he was cute. I was the new girl in school. He played ice hockey and hung out with the cool kids. I was shy. We went on a date and he used to write me love letters. We were only 15. He cheated on me when we were 22. I thought my life was over. A young, but we were together for 7 years. My heart was broken. I was in college. What should I do? I should date someone. I dated a pro football player (go big or go home). My dad hated him. The ex got jealous and asked if we could talk. We went to Mexico (like I said....go big or go home). We decided that we were too in love. When I was 25, he took me and my parents to Mexico as a Christmas gift. He proposed to me on the same beach that we went to reconcile. 3 years later, we married in the same beach. He was a beautiful man who loved to exercise and do things with me. We had the perfect relationship. One day, he discovered pills with his friends. That was the day I last saw the man I married. Two best friends died from an overdose, but that put him more into depression. I've been or atleast tried to be perfect. He will always love me, but something is stronger than that. Hs addiction has made me viral. I so,etimes question who I've become because of him. I am bitter and cold. We all need passion to live. We all need love to survive. We all need something physical and emotional. I have nothing from him. His touch is cold. His kiss makes me want to vomit. His words make me even more sick. I'm tired of the broken promise, BUT....I have nowhere to go. I have no money. I have no one I can tell. This is my secret life. On the outside, I'm happy. On the inside, I'm crying. I've thought of packing his bags and kicking him out, but the good times and the love just over power me. I think maybe just maybe if I say the right words, he will get better. He wants to get better. He told me so. Do I believe him? I do. I think all addicts want their lives back. I think something is stronger.
I needed to share. Thank you for reading. I don't have any friends. My only friend is 3 and the other is a dog.
When it's spring and summer, we are planting flowers, going to the beach, swimming. Riding bikes, etc...
You get the picture. I am her everything. I am the man of the house and I am the woman of the house. She loves her father because he plays with her when he is feeling good. It just happens to be that every weekend he spends sick in bed. It's disgusting to me.
I've reached a point in my life where I realize my sadness. I have never been addicted to anything. I have never taken a drug. I don't drink. I only live for my child. I too grew up with an alcoholic father. I always thought my mom was so mean, but now I see that she was sad and lonely and just wanted a different life for us. I love my parents and they are a great support system for me. My dad made mistakes as a husband, but he was always a great dad. I say the same for my husband. He is a great dad. He is not a great role model. To be exceptional, you need to be great at everything.
I am a stay at home mom. I'm thankful that he allows me to stay home. I don't care about the names as they are just words. I care more about the idea that one day he will die. One day his body will give up. What would happen to my baby if we lost him? She would never understand.
I once knew this man who loved me so much. He walked past me in the hallway in 9th grade. I thought he was cute. I was the new girl in school. He played ice hockey and hung out with the cool kids. I was shy. We went on a date and he used to write me love letters. We were only 15. He cheated on me when we were 22. I thought my life was over. A young, but we were together for 7 years. My heart was broken. I was in college. What should I do? I should date someone. I dated a pro football player (go big or go home). My dad hated him. The ex got jealous and asked if we could talk. We went to Mexico (like I said....go big or go home). We decided that we were too in love. When I was 25, he took me and my parents to Mexico as a Christmas gift. He proposed to me on the same beach that we went to reconcile. 3 years later, we married in the same beach. He was a beautiful man who loved to exercise and do things with me. We had the perfect relationship. One day, he discovered pills with his friends. That was the day I last saw the man I married. Two best friends died from an overdose, but that put him more into depression. I've been or atleast tried to be perfect. He will always love me, but something is stronger than that. Hs addiction has made me viral. I so,etimes question who I've become because of him. I am bitter and cold. We all need passion to live. We all need love to survive. We all need something physical and emotional. I have nothing from him. His touch is cold. His kiss makes me want to vomit. His words make me even more sick. I'm tired of the broken promise, BUT....I have nowhere to go. I have no money. I have no one I can tell. This is my secret life. On the outside, I'm happy. On the inside, I'm crying. I've thought of packing his bags and kicking him out, but the good times and the love just over power me. I think maybe just maybe if I say the right words, he will get better. He wants to get better. He told me so. Do I believe him? I do. I think all addicts want their lives back. I think something is stronger.
I needed to share. Thank you for reading. I don't have any friends. My only friend is 3 and the other is a dog.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Everywhere
Posts: 28
Wow Natsy your posts are incredibly touching to me as my aexbf PROMISED me the life that you have just told me of. I would never give up my education, though for a man so I continued pursuing it and have found my motivation back since leaving him. He always talked of the "nice things, nice house, cars, I could be a stay at home mom" which in reality is never anything I've ever wanted. My roommate also noticed that he was slowly one by one taking my friends away from me. He did not like them for one reason or another. I believe in being able to show my insides on the outside. My outside was deteriorating due to the intoxicating effect of his demon and opiate use.
You seem like such an amazing mother and person but have been yourself put in a shadow due to his addiction. That saddens me so very much and your post brought tears to my eyes! Addicts always WANT to be clean but they never take the ACTION of doing so and that is what counts. If you have a supportive family, I would at least separate myself and with your child and live with your parents and seek help for yourself. Get help where your eyes can become open to what is really happening. Every day someone tells me something new that I was unable to notice because I was "blindly in love." You will slowly gain yourself back but you can not do this with him trying to control your life.
You seem like such an amazing mother and person but have been yourself put in a shadow due to his addiction. That saddens me so very much and your post brought tears to my eyes! Addicts always WANT to be clean but they never take the ACTION of doing so and that is what counts. If you have a supportive family, I would at least separate myself and with your child and live with your parents and seek help for yourself. Get help where your eyes can become open to what is really happening. Every day someone tells me something new that I was unable to notice because I was "blindly in love." You will slowly gain yourself back but you can not do this with him trying to control your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 36
Chickady,
I'm sorry
. On the outside, my life looks normal. Sometimes, we have a way of turning our back on things that are important. You may have turned your back on your friends. Forgiveness exists.
I never turned my back on anyone. Him and I were together for more than half our lives. I never created any other relationships. He was my only friend. My only love. My only partner. My only mate. Being 35 and being with someone since I was 15. I have friends, but none that I can talk to. My sister? She judges me. My brother? He doesn't care about about anyone except for himself. My parents? I can't give them worry. Who else? I now have this website. It worked! I woke up today feeling powerful. It feels good getting it out.
You need to live for you. Life is beautiful. Being a stay at home mom is wonderful and evil. I have no money of my own. I drive a car in his name. The house? It's his. The bank accounts? His. Credit cards? His. I have nothing. Do not give up anything. Be you. Be strong.
I'm sorry
. On the outside, my life looks normal. Sometimes, we have a way of turning our back on things that are important. You may have turned your back on your friends. Forgiveness exists. I never turned my back on anyone. Him and I were together for more than half our lives. I never created any other relationships. He was my only friend. My only love. My only partner. My only mate. Being 35 and being with someone since I was 15. I have friends, but none that I can talk to. My sister? She judges me. My brother? He doesn't care about about anyone except for himself. My parents? I can't give them worry. Who else? I now have this website. It worked! I woke up today feeling powerful. It feels good getting it out.
You need to live for you. Life is beautiful. Being a stay at home mom is wonderful and evil. I have no money of my own. I drive a car in his name. The house? It's his. The bank accounts? His. Credit cards? His. I have nothing. Do not give up anything. Be you. Be strong.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Johnston, RI
Posts: 16
Hi Natsy, I am married but we are not living together as of October 2012. He is in one State and I'm in another. I realized the pills and the lifestyle that goes along with them is all he cares about. He takes pills as soon as he wakes up and throughout the day to make himself 'normal'. He really was a great man for me, he always complimented me and adored everything about me, bought me flowers and candy, picked flowers sometimes and brought them to me and then other days, of which became more and more often he would become 'evilminded' for lack of another word. He would lie, steal my jewelry and pawn it, look at me like I was an alien, talk about crazy stuff and get really obsessed with what ever the topic was that day. I could write a book but what I've done is just gotten away from him and probably will never see him again. It's sad for me but each day gets easier. Of course I still love him but I hate what he has put before us and I can't take those drugs away from him. Even if I could, I don't want a marriage full of strife. I was married before to a great man. He passed away suddenly and it took me a couple of years before I could move forward. I met my current husband and believed I was the luckiest woman in the world and I was until the oxys took him away from me. It's tough for all of us who love these addicts. For me, and I've read other's who feel the same, I feel like it was all just a big lie on his part. I believe he was in a la la land and sucked me into a world of crazyness. I really don't want to live without him but I know it will never change for him. He will always be a drug user, he likes all that goes with that, more than he likes me. I don't know if he ever cheated, and really in the whole scheme of things it doesn't even matter to me. I do know that he prefers to be around that kind of crowd for his fun and I'm on his backrow. That just doesn't work for me. I believed this man fell in love with me like I did him and found out that isn't what happened at all. I think I was a fantasy in his drug drenched brain. It took me a while to live/process all that I just wrote but bottom line I don't want to be second to anyone or anything else in my marriage. Maybe I'm just old school and I'm okay with that. Peace...........
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Natsy -
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've lived the roller coaster of addiction to oxys for many years. Unfortunately, I thought I had it under control too and was protecting my kids by shielding them from their dad's addiction. I was wrong.... I hope and pray that your husband recovers. Take from a former wife of an oxy addict, if you allow it, this addictionw will take you down right along with your husband. I too was never addicted, and tried to be the loving and caring wife. In the end, his addiction brought the police to my door. For me, by staying, I endangered the welfare of me and my children. The pain of staying became greater than my pain and fear of leaving. I wish you all the best, the only thing that saved me was that I focused on my health and my sanity regardless of his actions. This saved me from completely loosing myself. Hang in there and protect your child. This is a progressive disease. The man I married no longer exists, he is trapped by this horrible addiction.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've lived the roller coaster of addiction to oxys for many years. Unfortunately, I thought I had it under control too and was protecting my kids by shielding them from their dad's addiction. I was wrong.... I hope and pray that your husband recovers. Take from a former wife of an oxy addict, if you allow it, this addictionw will take you down right along with your husband. I too was never addicted, and tried to be the loving and caring wife. In the end, his addiction brought the police to my door. For me, by staying, I endangered the welfare of me and my children. The pain of staying became greater than my pain and fear of leaving. I wish you all the best, the only thing that saved me was that I focused on my health and my sanity regardless of his actions. This saved me from completely loosing myself. Hang in there and protect your child. This is a progressive disease. The man I married no longer exists, he is trapped by this horrible addiction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Seattle wa
Posts: 2
Nasty, so sorry
Nasty, I'm so sorry for what your going through. It's a tough situation and I commend you for still wanting to get him help. Addiction sucks for all. I hope things get better, maybe he's ready for treatment
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 129
i don't have much advice, i just wanted to say i am sorry for what you are going through. I think some Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings would be great for you if you've never been. Just try it a couple times at least....the people are usually very friendly and it can be a great source of support.
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