horriblethisis

I've moved out, and it's only been 10 days. Hubby is determined to make things right, and "this time", he means it. He has joined a special 10 week program for addicts and in addition, goes to meetings 3 and 4 times per week. I realized today, I really do still love him, but I really don't want to get hurt again!!! Does it really work out for some people? Can our love really carry us through all of this turmoil? He has worked really hard over the last year, and has been sober for 8 months...my recent "move out" was due to his now addictive gambling. I am so scared that I am caving because I really want it to work, but I am wondering if I am just fooling myself. Please tell me the truth...I can take it. Am I just a fool in love...and should really stay away from him? How long should I stay away from him for him to get better? If he makes a turn around, there is always a chance for relapse, but does that always occur? Hubby is 50, and do they ever get to the point or at a certain age that they truly can turn things around for good?? Feeling so confused and indecisive whereas last week I was so damn strong! What is wrong with me?

suki44883

You moved out for a reason. If he is serious about recovery, it will show in his action, not his words. If he is serious about recovery, his focus will be on recovery and not on you or getting back together with you. Your focus should be on taking care of yourself regardless of what he does. Have you considered attending al-anon or nar-anon meetings? They would be a huge help.

At this point, I would take a "wait and see" attitude. Don't have expectations where he is concerned. If he is just doing this to get you back, you will find out soon enough. In the meantime, don't center your life on what he is doing. Use this time to strengthen yourself. You will be fine, regardless of what he ultimately decides to do.

lightseeker

There is no way to predict individual outcomes but you can look at statistics.....and none of them are in the favor or long term recovery.

What finally turned the corner for me was when I started to work the recovery program for myself that I wanted for him.....90 meetings in 90 days, working the steps with a sponsor, etc. All of that helped me to stop asking questions about my (now ex) husband.

My husband had used drugs since he was 12 and had been a crack addict for 20+ years when we got together. I got nice and involved with him before I found out about the drugs....by then, I was determined to stand by my man because we were soul mates.

I made the mistake of trying to stick it out with him before there was confirmed evidence that he was going to work a long term recovery program. I was willing to buy into what I needed to do and I trusted him to do the same. It wasn't long before he missed meetings, quit working with a sponsor, and then decided that recovery programs just weren't his "gig".

As much as I believed that I loved him I've discovered that the pain of living with a dry drunk/addict was a death sentence for that love.

Could you love him from afar while you give it time to see if he can/will do what it takes? I know that when I left my husband I told him that I needed to see 6 months of recovery time and counseling before I had interactions with him. Needless to say - it never worked. I'm sure that if I had gone back to him (yet again) that we would be in the same toxic cycle.

Stepping away from a relationship is difficult to do without a lot of support. It's hard not to cave in without somewhere to turn where people know what you are dealing with.

allforcnm

When my husband was actively using AND his behavior was unacceptable to me, we separated. I would never have been happy living with him like that.

However, I never stopped loving him & when he decided to stop and seek treatment, then we got back together. I stood by him from the start of his recovery. There have been challenges in his early recovery (almost 11 months now)… but I have no regrets. I am quite happy now, and he is doing great. If he were to relapse tomorrow, I would still have no regrets about my choice.

No one here can tell you what to do about your relationship. If you should stay or go… how long you should be apart and wait to see….. People do recover from addiction. Relationships can be restored, made stronger. There are so many variables involved in all of this….

When my husband was in therapy, I started working with a therapist too. It was a great help to me, and I would suggest this to anyone going through this type of situation. My husband and I also did marriage counseling & that was a huge blessing for us. We started early on (when he was about 6 weeks clean). That decision was supported by all his doctors, and my therapist also. I would recommend this if you both agree on it.

Statistics no longer scare me. It depends where you get your numbers; in truth there are not solid numbers for recovery because how do you track this? It takes someone to gather and track all this & substance abuse/recovery is handled on a personal basis by so many who never seek help of any kind, or do so only through a private doctor. And organizations like NA are anonymous…

What I choose to look at in regard to statistics are medical organizations, and government statistics. They are required to gather data based on certain defined criteria and the field of participant’s is the greatest. I believe the key to successful recovery is finding the right type of treatment. There are so many options available today, people need to choose what works best for their unique situation taking into consideration all their needs.

I will share these statistics with you:

Health and Human Services/Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association:
It is important to note that not all persons in recovery for substance abuse relapse. Nearly one-third achieve permanent abstinence from their first attempt at recovery. An additional one-third have brief periods of substance use but eventually achieve long-term abstinence, and one-third have chronic relapses that result in premature death from chemical addiction and related consequences. These statistics are consistent with the life-long recovery rates of any chronic lifestyle-related illness (HHS/SAMHSA)

National Institute of Drug Abuse:
Relapse rates for drug-addicted patients are compared with those suffering from diabetes, hypertension, and asthma. Relapse is common and similar across these illnesses (as is adherence to medication). Thus, drug addiction should be treated like any other chronic illness, with relapse serving as a trigger for renewed intervention. (NIDA- National Institute Drug Abuse)

Drug addiction = 40% - 60% relapse. This means: 40% - 60% don’t.
Type I Diabetes = 30 % - 50% relapse. ......... 50% - 70% don’t.
Hypertension = 50% - 70% relapse. ......... 30% - 50% don’t.
Asthma = 50% - 70% relapse. ........ 30% - 50% don’t.

If I have one thing to suggest, it would be to take your time in making decisions. All of this is so very emotional... the only regrets I have are for specific things I did when I was overly emotional and not thinking clearly.

crazybabie

My brother started using alcohol became an alcoholic... later he started using cocaine anytime he drank he went to AA and got clean his new addiction became gambling he continues to ban himself from casinos then unban where the time comes he can.

Does it ever work? In his case it has his wife went to meetings for her and learned many things she chose to stay and seems happy my brother has not had a drink or any cocaine in years that I know of he can unban himself from the casino later this month that is his choice.

I would like to add my brothers wife has moved out several times during all this until she felt ready to go home, she got the tools she needed and decided staying with it was worth it for her it really is an individual decision.

crazybabie

I think lightseekers question about could you love him from afar is a good one that would give him time to work on him and you time for the same if you so choose.

CrossFox

Horriblethisis,

In your post, the focus is your husband. It's as if he and his actions are the source of your turmoil, and you are helpless to this, but he isn't, they aren't and you're not.

I can tell you that what your partner or anyone else does or doesn't do will not create lasting happiness or peace or health in you. What if your husband does everything right but your current unpleasant feelings and fears don't stop? What if you leave your husband, bide some time then find yourself in a relationship with yet another destructive addict?

It's true that just like ultimatums, simply gaining knowledge does not guarantee recovery, but what has given me peace (compared to where I was before) and hope is reading books by addiction experts on the subject of addictive relationships and co-alcoholism, focusing on me and my life history pattern, self care, setting boundaries (it's actually fun), and taking control of my own behaviors so that my emotions and life situation is not tossed around by someone else's choices.

Face-to-face support groups such as Relationships Anonymous or Al-Anon were created to support co-addicts like myself. Maybe you could find some in your area?

May I recommend as a start just reading some online book reviews on books such as Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing And Hoping He'll Change?

pianogirl1193

I also think lightseeker gave some really great advice. That is sort of what I am trying to do now... if I do see 6 months of committed recovery from my EXABF, I would definitely consider getting back together with him. If he is serious about his recovery, he will do it and in 6 months you can decide what to do. If he is not, you will find out soon enough and you will be glad you didn't jump back into it too soon. Obviously like others have said, it is an individual decision and nobody can tell you what to do. Keeping my distance from my addict and loving from afar is the hardest thing I've ever done but I think it's the best thing I can do for myself (and probably even for im). Only time will tell if they are really committed to their recovery. In that time, focus on YOUR recovery!

zoso77

No.

Want evidence? Read the posts of the mothers of drug addicts like ILoveMySonJJ. She loves her son, right? If her love really made a difference, then why is her son bouncing in and out of jail and rehab centers?

You say you can handle the truth. OK. The truth is right in front of you, and since it's not something you want to face, you instead ask us if there's any hope. The truth is your husband cannot love you the way you want or deserved to be loved while he is in active addiction or not in recovery. His words are but that: words. The truth is if you believe you're "starting to cave", then you'll find a way to make sure you cave. And then where will you be?

One of the most frequent comments I make is when it comes to making decisions regarding the addicts in our lives, you need to make those decisions based on what you know to be true -- the facts -- and not what you hope could happen. So, as someone who has both made that mistake and doesn't want you to make the same mistake as I did, I implore you to open your eyes and see things for what they really are. All you need to know is right in front of you.

And how you choose to process that information will directly impact your health and your sanity.

Best,
ZoSo

AnvilheadII

couple things stand out - it's only been 12 days now since you moved out, not even two full weeks. HE has just entered a TEN week program. you've barely had time to breathe. any changes that might occur for either of you will take TIME.

in a sense we codependents become very attached to INSTANT gratification, just like addicts. we live for that immediate feel good NOW moment. we want it all fixed and all better so we can settle back into our comfort zone with a quickness. forgetting how much we really hated it there.

now is the time for you to start being in charge of your own happiness - independent of what he does or does not do. so trim your sails, adjust your ballast and set a new course.

KLM

Anvil... so true about the INSTANT gratification.