legal perspective?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 27
legal perspective?
Well, I have not posted here in quite some time, but I read around often for support, perspective, and my seemingly hopeless search for clarity.
I believe my husband is in deep denial about a pain pill addiction. Sadly, I have now known about this for over a year and NOTHING has changed. Nothing has changed accept that I know I am enabling him...by avoiding being honest with him that I don't believe him, knowing that I need to leave but I'm choosing to be stuck here staying, and constantly wondering how it can go on this long without him ADMITTING to ANYTHING!!
Through SR, a few nar-anon meetings, my own therapy over the last 7 months, and a LOT of research about narcotics, addiction, and (codependently) researching my husband's lies about money, pills, and doctors - I'm still a bit lost and baffled.
I won't go into my whole story again, but there are a few items I left out originally and I'd love to hear some perspective from the members here.
~At the end of 2011, my husband was accused of prescription fraud, with percocet, and because of his connections (he is in law enforcement) and military background (a veteran), the charges were dropped to possession and he entered a VA Court program to have the charges dropped in a year. He still attends monthly progress court and the charges are set to be erased in a few months. He of course claims the original charge is bogus and a huge mistake and he never did anything.
~Almost simultaneously with the legal situation, he then injured himself at work and had surgery - which i posted about before - and this is where my eyes really opened up to dr. shopping, lies etc.
~Now here we are in Feb. of 2013 and he has stopped seeing original surgeon, family doctor, spine specialist, or multiple urgent care facilities - which I believe have all cut him off. In dec. he contacted a friend he hasn't seen in 15 years, who now lives a few hours away, who is a foot doctor - completely unrelated to any of AH's injuries.. To my knowledge, he has not even had a legit appointment with this doc, just a weekend visit to catch up after many years. This doctor has been prescribing vicodin and percocet almost biweekly to AH now by calling it in.
Of course, my instinct is to report this guy or call anonymously etc. BUT I have resisted bc I know it will not affect AH and it's obviously codependent, he will ultimately find another source (..Can't control or change it, I know)
Throughout this trying journey, I do realize the only thing I can do at this point is focus on myself and make choices to make me happy. I have gone through weeks where I feel very good at this and others (currently!!) where it's impossible.
However, I do believe I am ready to tell him to leave and admit that I DO NOT believe him, I DO NOT trust him, I love him of course, but I'm ready to do what's right for me, and if he decides to help himself, that would be great.
This is where my legal questions come into play. With the aforementioned legal situation, he has been left out of some important/scheduled promotions at work - essentially he is "benched" until charges are gone. I believe that when I separate, he will in turn get the official ball rolling on divorce. Many friends and family believe that me leaving will ultimately be his rock bottom - but I don't believe that, I know his personality, and I know when I make the move, it will be over.
So, I find myself saying, I need to hang on until the legal crap is over so we are still married when (if) his salary makes a huge jump - which could happen in the next 6 months.
Anyone have any divorce experience with this type of situation??? Does that even matter? Is this just another excuse to hang on...?
I'm aware that I'm the only one who can figure out what's right for me in the end, but that just seems excruciatingly impossible right now. And boy does it feel good to get this off my chest in a safe place!!
I believe my husband is in deep denial about a pain pill addiction. Sadly, I have now known about this for over a year and NOTHING has changed. Nothing has changed accept that I know I am enabling him...by avoiding being honest with him that I don't believe him, knowing that I need to leave but I'm choosing to be stuck here staying, and constantly wondering how it can go on this long without him ADMITTING to ANYTHING!!
Through SR, a few nar-anon meetings, my own therapy over the last 7 months, and a LOT of research about narcotics, addiction, and (codependently) researching my husband's lies about money, pills, and doctors - I'm still a bit lost and baffled.
I won't go into my whole story again, but there are a few items I left out originally and I'd love to hear some perspective from the members here.
~At the end of 2011, my husband was accused of prescription fraud, with percocet, and because of his connections (he is in law enforcement) and military background (a veteran), the charges were dropped to possession and he entered a VA Court program to have the charges dropped in a year. He still attends monthly progress court and the charges are set to be erased in a few months. He of course claims the original charge is bogus and a huge mistake and he never did anything.
~Almost simultaneously with the legal situation, he then injured himself at work and had surgery - which i posted about before - and this is where my eyes really opened up to dr. shopping, lies etc.
~Now here we are in Feb. of 2013 and he has stopped seeing original surgeon, family doctor, spine specialist, or multiple urgent care facilities - which I believe have all cut him off. In dec. he contacted a friend he hasn't seen in 15 years, who now lives a few hours away, who is a foot doctor - completely unrelated to any of AH's injuries.. To my knowledge, he has not even had a legit appointment with this doc, just a weekend visit to catch up after many years. This doctor has been prescribing vicodin and percocet almost biweekly to AH now by calling it in.
Of course, my instinct is to report this guy or call anonymously etc. BUT I have resisted bc I know it will not affect AH and it's obviously codependent, he will ultimately find another source (..Can't control or change it, I know)
Throughout this trying journey, I do realize the only thing I can do at this point is focus on myself and make choices to make me happy. I have gone through weeks where I feel very good at this and others (currently!!) where it's impossible.
However, I do believe I am ready to tell him to leave and admit that I DO NOT believe him, I DO NOT trust him, I love him of course, but I'm ready to do what's right for me, and if he decides to help himself, that would be great.
This is where my legal questions come into play. With the aforementioned legal situation, he has been left out of some important/scheduled promotions at work - essentially he is "benched" until charges are gone. I believe that when I separate, he will in turn get the official ball rolling on divorce. Many friends and family believe that me leaving will ultimately be his rock bottom - but I don't believe that, I know his personality, and I know when I make the move, it will be over.
So, I find myself saying, I need to hang on until the legal crap is over so we are still married when (if) his salary makes a huge jump - which could happen in the next 6 months.
Anyone have any divorce experience with this type of situation??? Does that even matter? Is this just another excuse to hang on...?
I'm aware that I'm the only one who can figure out what's right for me in the end, but that just seems excruciatingly impossible right now. And boy does it feel good to get this off my chest in a safe place!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
So, I find myself saying, I need to hang on until the legal crap is over so we are still married when (if) his salary makes a huge jump - which could happen in the next 6 months.
my theory is never spend money i don't already have in my hand. betting on some mythical promotion that someone might get (which sounds pretty unlikely) isn't a very sound financial plan. as his spouse you could also be responsible for any further DEBT he incurs with legal fees, fines, new accidents, or should the covers get pulled on this "doctor" and his bogus prescriptions.
it does sound like you are still grasping at straws right now. his addiction is in full swing and being fully fed. sadly there will probably come a time when the vikes and the percs aren't enough anymore and he will seek out something else, something stronger with more kick. i wouldn't "bank" on anything i do having the desired impact on an active addict....
if you leave, do it for you. it's bad enough to be the addict living with addiction, but tougher yet to live that way and not even do drugs.
really sorry, it's a lousy way to live
my theory is never spend money i don't already have in my hand. betting on some mythical promotion that someone might get (which sounds pretty unlikely) isn't a very sound financial plan. as his spouse you could also be responsible for any further DEBT he incurs with legal fees, fines, new accidents, or should the covers get pulled on this "doctor" and his bogus prescriptions.
it does sound like you are still grasping at straws right now. his addiction is in full swing and being fully fed. sadly there will probably come a time when the vikes and the percs aren't enough anymore and he will seek out something else, something stronger with more kick. i wouldn't "bank" on anything i do having the desired impact on an active addict....
if you leave, do it for you. it's bad enough to be the addict living with addiction, but tougher yet to live that way and not even do drugs.
really sorry, it's a lousy way to live
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
You will know when you are ready to make a decision to leave. It will be crystal clear and there will be no turning back. You won't be able to change your mind once the decision comes from that place in yourself.
In my situation, I finally realized the deep value of what quality of life and mental health meant. I could not tolerate another day in that marriage. What did I need to do to feel better and how was I going to finally quit compromising my own sanity and serenity? That question led me to a happier life, and even with the huge struggles I have endured since then, I'd never go back.
Trust yourself above anyone else and you will know when and whether to act on your own behalf.
In my situation, I finally realized the deep value of what quality of life and mental health meant. I could not tolerate another day in that marriage. What did I need to do to feel better and how was I going to finally quit compromising my own sanity and serenity? That question led me to a happier life, and even with the huge struggles I have endured since then, I'd never go back.
Trust yourself above anyone else and you will know when and whether to act on your own behalf.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You've gotten very good feedback and I just want to offer support that you find the will to live an honest life. You are in a marriage of secrets and lies right now, and we do pay a personal price for that. It is so damaging to our soul to pretend.
So as soon as you can make it happen, I advise--perhaps after some guidance in counseling--speaking what is true for you and living by your principles.
Things are heading down for him. Best you get off the train. It will be terribly painful for you. But there is no good sense in cooperating with drug addiction.
If he has a lot of power over you, if you have no professional counseling support at present or are not in contact with others in recovery where you are, I urge you first to get some support in place. Addicts are unpredictable and can be quite ruthless. I would not go this alone.
So as soon as you can make it happen, I advise--perhaps after some guidance in counseling--speaking what is true for you and living by your principles.
Things are heading down for him. Best you get off the train. It will be terribly painful for you. But there is no good sense in cooperating with drug addiction.
If he has a lot of power over you, if you have no professional counseling support at present or are not in contact with others in recovery where you are, I urge you first to get some support in place. Addicts are unpredictable and can be quite ruthless. I would not go this alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 5
My story is almost exactly like yours...have you seen a lawyer yet? I have been in therapy for six months and that is one of the things that my therapist recommended. Something I think about regarding my husband's income (I am financially dependent on my husband) is that he is on his downward spiral (while denying he has a problem) and he may lose his job. So even if you wait for him to get promoted which may or may not happen, he could also lose that job too. The military retirement would be the only stable income if your husband retired.
So make your plans depending on you.....he is unpredictable. Take care of you. Seeing a lawyer should be part of that plan and they can tell you what your rights are regarding support and financial obligations. The first consultation is usually free.
So make your plans depending on you.....he is unpredictable. Take care of you. Seeing a lawyer should be part of that plan and they can tell you what your rights are regarding support and financial obligations. The first consultation is usually free.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
If you are planning to leave, it seems a little off to me for you to wait because you might get more $ out of him that way.
It could not turn out the way you expect, and could bite you.
Also, more $ is not going to make you happier.
It just seems a little too calculating.
It could not turn out the way you expect, and could bite you.
Also, more $ is not going to make you happier.
It just seems a little too calculating.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 27
Thanks for the feedback...
[QUOTE=EnglishGarden;3832877] You are in a marriage of secrets and lies right now, and we do pay a personal price for that. It is so damaging to our soul to pretend.
QUOTE]
As I've codependently waivered back and forth on accepting what my situation is and the reality of it, the one part that's now crystal clear is that my marriage is now based on lies - plain and simple.
I have INDEED felt the personal damage to my soul as I choose to live with HIS lies, but I have also realized that I am lying to him when I say that I trust or believe him - when I pretend. So, put the addiciton aside, I know this is no way to live in a marriage. IT'S just so hard to LET GO! So yes, I am ready to separate for MYSELF and I am not letting myself get hung up on what it will mean for him - I've learned this doesn't matter.
Yes, I am contacting a lawyer - my parents are helping to put me in touch with one from my hometown for a consultation. Knowing the details of his job and legal situation, it does seem likely that his salary will increase (as he missed out on "automatic" or scheduled promotions during the case) if the charges are dropped in the next few months - and it does look like this will happen at this point. I know that money is not going to make me happy, but on paper, I want him to be responsible for his fair share of our debt and property.
We'll see what the lawyer and my therapist say....
[QUOTE=EnglishGarden;3832877] You are in a marriage of secrets and lies right now, and we do pay a personal price for that. It is so damaging to our soul to pretend.
QUOTE]
As I've codependently waivered back and forth on accepting what my situation is and the reality of it, the one part that's now crystal clear is that my marriage is now based on lies - plain and simple.
I have INDEED felt the personal damage to my soul as I choose to live with HIS lies, but I have also realized that I am lying to him when I say that I trust or believe him - when I pretend. So, put the addiciton aside, I know this is no way to live in a marriage. IT'S just so hard to LET GO! So yes, I am ready to separate for MYSELF and I am not letting myself get hung up on what it will mean for him - I've learned this doesn't matter.
Yes, I am contacting a lawyer - my parents are helping to put me in touch with one from my hometown for a consultation. Knowing the details of his job and legal situation, it does seem likely that his salary will increase (as he missed out on "automatic" or scheduled promotions during the case) if the charges are dropped in the next few months - and it does look like this will happen at this point. I know that money is not going to make me happy, but on paper, I want him to be responsible for his fair share of our debt and property.
We'll see what the lawyer and my therapist say....
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