mareahh

So I was visiting my ABF today (in jail) and I asked him if he would answer all my questions about when he started using where he got it from. How many times and so on..when he gets out and he said he'd tell me what I wanna know. Is that a good thing ?

Input please. Thank u.

hello-kitty

Why does it matter. Addicts will say anything when they are in jail. It's what they DO when they get out that matters.

The more time you spend focused on his addiction and recovery the less time you spend focused setting boundaries and your own life.

I think it's important that you work the recovery you wish he would work. Have you been to an alanon meeting? Have you read any books on boundaries or codependence?

What are you hoping to get out of this for you?

oocleanchickoo

ITA when I was in jail I plead guilty just so I could go back out. I think what matters is that if this person wants to change their ways and get clean.

lightseeker

I think that you should be able to ask whatever questions you want to ask when you are involved with someone.

I asked my ex a ton of questions over the years...in hind sight I now see where a lot of his answers were 1/2 truths, a guilded version of the story, aspects played down and even sometimes played up.
I did get a lot of truthful answers as well. I just wish that I had been a better steard of the truth and taken heed of what he was capable of.

Recovery is a very long road to hoe and it has a huge potential to cause destruction in the lives of those in the path if things don't go well.

I wish that I had let my ex find his own path in recovery without me there as a support. I paid a high price for supporting him through this journey. We each have to find our own way. I was pretty sure that I was together enough, smart enough, and self confident enough to hang on to myself while I was supportive of him. I wasn't.....he got sober but he did not work a recovery program. I ended up married to a dry drunk/addict - which was even worse than when he was using. I lost my home, a lot of respect and regard, and my children suffered horribly. I left him 2 years ago and I am still digging out from under all of the destruction that I was confident that I was smart and confident enough to avoid.

The best advice that I was given when it became obvious that I was going to be involved with him, was to work the same recovery program for myself that I wanted him to work. I knew that there were issues that I had if I was finding myself involved with an addict......so I had my own stuff to work on.

One question to ask yourself before you ask him anything is "what are my motives in asking him these questions. What is it I really am wanting to know?"

mareahh

I don't find my self to have issues because I love a person with a problem. That is like him saying I'm crazy for loving u because you suffer from depression and anxiety. I'm a lot smarter than some people think. He has not pleaded guilty just to get out. He's been sitting in the...wait I don't have to explain myself or his situation. I'm finding that people here are very quick to judge and that's terrible.

Maylie

Mareahh no one is saying that you aren't smart or that you have a problem for loving someone with an addiction. However, sometimes we find that we have some things to work out when we start staying with the addict even if they cheat on us, steal from us, lie about everything, and never do what they say they are going to do. When we stick around through all that, then it is time to look at ourselves because just because someone is an addict doesn't mean they get to treat us however they want.

I am a recovered addict and I am dating a recovered addict. What I have learned is not to treat the addict differently because they have an addict. If the addict cheats, it isn't because of their addiction, it is because they cheated. No one is trying to put you down, we have all been there or are going through it and are just trying to give advice that we wished we would have had at the time.

Instead of thinking that everyone is judging, how about just take what you need and leave the rest. Those here that have gotten out to the other side see what us that are still in the middle of the chaos are not able to see. We all hate to get honest answers, but really, addiction clouds our thinking and makes what seems obvious to others not to us.

As for him answering questions, I agree that maybe consider why you want to know all that information. Knowing the answers will not make him clean. If he is serious about getting clean then that should be a part of the past. (I too wanted to know all the answers, but I found the more I learned the more I just used it against him, or used the information to make me more worried when he went out, etc.)

mareahh

Thank you for this. I understand completely. If he cheats. I'm done. He lies. I'm done. Steals. I'm done. Uses again. I'm done. I don't care if we're 87 and fixing to die. I've made a promise to myself and I plan on keeping it. I'd never treat him differently because of his addiction. I wanted to know because I wanted to understand him and his addiction better. To see where things took a turn for the worse and what made him use again after 2 years.

story74

Actions speak louder than words. Who knows. I would find yourself a man that isn't an addict, and that isn't in jail AND treats you with respect. Not trying to sound harsh, but it is so hard to trust an addict.

dollydo

All I can say is watch his actions, his words really don't mean a thing, few tell the entire truth about their usage....or at least until they are years into their recovery.

No one is saying that you are not smart.

Being in love with an addict, is a whole different ballgame, they are very street smart, they are cunning, they have a special built in radar, they can pick out the one "helper" in a room of 100 people.

Let him work the steps, give him the space he needs, I wouldn't press him for any answers, in early recovery his mind is in a state of turmoil.

One amazing thing about addicts is when in jail/prison they all basically say the same things. Go to cynical one's blogs, there is one about that topic.

Keep reading, keep posting, it will help.

AnvilheadII

To see where things took a turn for the worse and what made him use again after 2 years.

IF he was truly clean and sober for two years nothing MADE him use....he, with a clear head, MADE the choice to pick up. as the saying goes: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

he's incarcerated. captive. under the watchful eye of the state (or county, feds, whatever). try not to put too much weight into ANYTHING he says or does WHILE locked up.....more will be revealed when he gets out.

Lily1918

there's no judgement here. I used to think there was... but I changed my mind in a few shout months. please stay and keep posting. do me a favor? I know everything you're going through is hard, at the top of the forum there's a locked sticky post called "why people. respond the way they do." maybe it will help you get perspective on the posts that feel negative.

Kindeyes

I found that I actually got great insight into addiction from addicts with long term recovery (many years). They were able to answer my questions without any potential agenda. They gave me information that could help me understand addiction as opposed to the nitty gritty details of addiction (who, when, what, and where). Unfortunately, we as humans (take the addiction issue out of the picture) often spin an issue to create a specific outcome and I have no doubt that my son would paint the picture he wanted me to believe and honestly.....I wouldn't want to know the nitty gritty details. The information would do nothing but cause me tremendous anxiety and heartache.

I went through a period of time that I wanted to know everything about addiction and I think it was important to go through that but the most valuable time I spent was looking at myself. There was so much there for me to examine and explore. I'd spent years trying to understand others and I discovered that I didn't know myself.

I guess the question I would have for you is what are you going to do with this information once you have it? You don't have to answer here on SR but it's a question I would ask myself.

gentle hugs
ke

tjp613

This is a "must read" for anyone involved with an addict: Addiction, Lies and Relationships

meadowsis

Agree, this is something I struggle with.

My AB has always been the half truths sort of person. If he thought it would get him somewhere with me, he would release bits of information. Thinking maybe it would open me up to do things for him again. I initially thought when he started telling me SOME things that maybe he was doing the recovery program in jail. But in the end, he was sugar coating his addiction discussions, downplaying everything, he was just trying to get me to help him in jail (money on account, try and get him a lawyer, etc). One day he would say it was only a year of opiate abuse, but then I would find out from an ex GF it was probably more like three-four plus years. Things like that.

I spent FAR too much time analyzing what he was telling me. Trying to see how much truth was REALLY in what he was saying. So his releasing of information ended up just driving me bonkers wondering if it was the 'real' truth.

So for what its worth, I dont ask him anything so that if he does tell me something, its somewhat less tainted with manipulation. If he gets to a point in recovery where he wants to talk to me, I will be there, but I don't find any benefit to asking him details about his addiction anymore.

In the end, he cannot change the past, he can only control his actions at this moment. So I TRY to focus on today's actions instead and deal with him according to those.

story74

You know, I was reading this post again and thought of something. It really is better not to know until they have REALLY healed and are ready to discuss what they were maybe feeling. They chose to do drugs because...it felt good, stress, peer pressure, addiction couldn't possible happen to them...who knows. BUT, you did not cause it. I REFUSE to ever take that on. When my x decided to start snorting coke, we were stressed about money and jobs. He was exhauted. But, did I start snorting? no, not in the least. Bad choices on the addicts part.

Anyways, I remember when all this exploded in my face, I asked him how many times he used. I got the "just a couple times" response with tears in his eyes. LIE. Then, later, I asked him when this all started, and he refused to tell me. ACCEPTANCE/ DENIAL. I have no idea when he REALLY started snorting, but I DO know when it went all down hill. His bad choices. It didn't have to be this way.

Also, in the beginning of this mess I was looking and searching for anything. I read his emails and found him putting out ad"s for whores. I was stunned. And, when confronted OF COURSE it was not him. It was his "best friend" bc his best friend didn't want his name involved if caught! great friend huh? Again, denial and lies. I remember someone writing their life is WAY worse than you can imagine.

So, yes, you want to know. You are sober. You are in love. You want to work this out. Just remember they are a mess. My x was the love of my life. My best friend. But, I can't have anything to do with him anymore. I deserve better. Have you thought about what a real man is? Through my ordeal, and seeing, watching and listening to healthy people, I now know what HEALTHY is. Healthy is taking care of me and my son. Building values, morals and ethics. I don't have time to raise an adult. If I find another man again, he needs to be responsible with great morals and ethics. I have high standards. There is no gray.

Through time, patience and actions you will see. But, be careful. Be educated. It isn't always about the heart I hate to say!

mareahh

Word. Perhaps my ending will be happier than y'all's. take care.

broken101

For your sake i hope it is mareahh. But as so many of us here know that may be 1 in a billion. The more you try and understand the more it will drive you crazy. You cannot change him or his actions you can only change YOURS. No one here is say you are not smart, all we are trying to do is share our experiences and there are people here wh have years and years of it. Not saying yours may not end up being happy ever after but for now stop worry about him or what he say actions speaks louder than words. Focus on yourself...its the best you can do and if you mean so much to him then he will change if he thinks you will leave. " Whn u really matter to someone that person will always make tiem for you and be honest to you, no excuse, no lies and no broken promises"

There is this other saying " Sometimes the person who u want the most is the pperson you're best without." I know it sucks but thats just the way it is..

Lily1918

what I hope you learn in your process is that addiction doesn't have an ending. It is either active addiction or active recovery for the addict. period. As for loved ones, the only two endings if they decide to stay are the same. addiction is a battle to the grave. Take what you want and leave the rest, but you are caught up in a war and everyone here is just trying to give you weapons and armor. The wiser ones have already learned that the story ends two ways: the grave or retreat.

mareahh

Preciate.