Yogagurl

So, last night, I got extremely angry at my AH. He used all of his money last weekend on drugs and left me with absolutely no money to get through the week. No money for gas, groceries, or food. The weekend prior, he used the rent money on drugs and threw me under the bus with the landlord, claiming that I was waiting for a check to clear to pay the rent. The following day, my husband went to a rehabilitation center (only to stay 3 days, just long enough for me to have paid the rent, lest I get kicked out of my home).

So, I'm questioning him last night about some money that was supposed to come through for him yesterday and he gets an attitude with me as I was asking. He's the one that put me in the bind in the first place. I flew off the handle and told him what I thought of him; he doesn't provide for me and I have been supporting us (with a mediocre salary) for the past two years.

He responds with "I hope you feel better now" and then I feel bad for flying off the handle. I feel that I should be able to express my emotions without feeling guilty.

So my question is about the dynamic of co-dependency: Why do we feel guilty for speaking up???

butterflyluver

I too would love to know this! I always feel guilty for pointing out the truth and for saying no!

stucna

youve got the right to say what you feel and think even if he wont like it! and he wont most of the time as addicts hate face the truth. he will turn it back to you and you will feel like crazy one.

its like when my AXBF is lying. when you know addict is lying should you tell him or just step back and let him go with it? last time ive heard another lame irrational excuse i just said "i dont believe you", he told me thats is the fact and hes got nothing else to say and i told him again "i just dont believe you, im sorry". and that was end of conversation.

Chino

Because I had an extremely dysfunctional relationship with myself. My identity was so enmeshed with others (I had **** poor boundaries), that I accepted their reality as an honest reflection of truth.

zoso77

I didn't feel guilty at all. And that was one of the biggest reasons my AXGF and I clashed, because I would stand up for myself and hold her accountable for her behavior if I felt she was out of line. And she didn't like that at all. Which is ultimately why she left.

Once you have to compromise your values, morals and boundaries to keep the peace with a sick person, you've surrendered to that person.

Granted, there were a handful of times I caved with her. But more often than not, I held my ground. And addicts don't like that. They want to be enabled and coddled. They don't like boundaries.

So, never feel guilty or apologize for sticking up for yourself.

Best,
ZoSo

Lily1918

up hit the nail on the head

AnvilheadII

So my question is about the dynamic of co-dependency: Why do we feel guilty for speaking up???

oh let's see:
1-peace at any price
2-conflict avoidance
3-people pleasing
4-fear of upsetting the other which affects 1,2 and 3
5-out of touch with our own thoughts and feelings due to spending all our time trying to read minds and feel other's feelings FOR them
6-nice girl syndrome
7-fear of change, even in self
8-fear of separation because we have become FUSED to other
9-inability to make a decision and stick to it due to lack of self confidence
10-need to be liked/loved, lifelong search for approval

PreciousKitty

That was a lot to think about - Thank you

RickHillJr

I can only speak from my experiences and I know that when I do something just for me I don't feel as if I deserve it because I was battered and abuse as a child. These feeling come from only feeling comfortable in chaos. That's why I am we're I'm at, right here where I need to be.

Kindeyes

This is a great question. I suffered (and at times still do) with the guilt thing. I finally figured out that half the time it's not the fact that I spoke up for myself as much as it was the WAY I spoke up for myself that caused my guilty feelings. Anger. Yelling. Crying. Those kinds of reactions made me feel like crap. I find that when I speak up for myself, quietly stating my truth, and remain emotionally detached from any response...I feel empowered....not guilty.

I think it's also important to mention that the addict knows this issue with guilt that we have and they play on it. When we take control of our reactions, it disarms their ability to manipulate this guilt reaction.

When I was growing up I remember my mother saying "I don't do guilt". I guess in retrospect, I was trying to manipulate her and she very clearly wasn't going to fall for that nonsense. Smart lady.

KLM

I am feeling guilty today as well. My ex? AH and I were fighting about money as he spent thousands on crack in the last month. We needed to pay house bills and he was getting frustrated with me.
It ended with him telling me to *uck off and hung up on me

Yet I feel guilty that he has no money after paying the house bills!!!
WTF???

AnvilheadII

klm...not sure if i'll say this right...but loved ones of addicts who have developed or ramped up codependent ways don't FEEL their own feelings...they feel FOR others, or should I say what they think others are feeling.

THEY get upset, we go all out to FIX that and make them OK again.
THEY seem moody, we hover endlessly trying to rescue them from their moods.
THEY get loaded, we try to talk them down and recreate those seldom sober moments.
THEY have an addiction, we try to cure it, love it away, talk them out of it. we have lost sight of where WE end and THEY begin.

THOUSANDS on crack in ONE month? hmmm, a hundred a day for 30 days, $3000. HIS priority is smoking dope. he could care less about bills, or obligations or you. crack is an all consuming dive into hell. it would be wise of you to start making financial plans and decisions that do NOT depend on him. protect and defend your resources. don't think that tomorrow or next Tuesday he's just gonna stop and be "that guy" again. it's quite possible he could be into his dealer for more than he's already spent...regardless, he knows what he's doing.

yeah he's "frustrated" - you are trying to interfere with his obsessive/compulsive addiction. he doesn't want to hear about how much money he's spent or what can't be paid because of it. part of him doesn't CARE and part of him can't face the destruction he's caused. the solution??? smoke more dope. and then? smoke some more.

Yogagurl

WOW- I didn't know I had so many comments on this post! Thank you so much for responding. I am so grateful to have found this forum. Anvillhead, I especially like the way you shoot strait from the hips, in all your posts!

shinebright7

Yes to all that.

And not thinking that I matter enough. Having low self-esteem and believing UNTRUE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF like:

- I don't deserve to have good things and experiences.
- I dont matter as much other people do.
- I shouldn't rock the boat.
- I don't matter. Yeah that one.

Yikes. **** all that. I matter. I am not putting up with crap anymore.

I know I'm rebelling and being reactive right now by standing up for myself, but if this is what it takes for me to stand up and do it, then so be it.

I do not feel guilty about what I told my husband this morning at all.

It had to be said.

And I just kept coming back to my truth. I finally got sick of letting myself feel weak and helpless and victimized so there was no question of guilt coming up. Now to try to relax becasue all this has gotten me really wound up and I just want to feel calm and enjoy the peace of my day. It is snowing. It is beautiful. And I am taking steps toward taking care of myself. I'm gonna go get in my pajamas and snuggle down to look out the window.

Whatsit

Faulty personal belief systems, for one.

I was taught, as a young child (not making this up) to deny my wishes and let others have their way at all times. Yes, I noticed that the rules were different for everyone else. I even mentioned it. Once.

I resisted in other ways, though, for the rest of my childhood, and I was accused of being selfish every time I said, "But I want..."

This is where I really feel sorry for AB, though, because the one thing he did learn by observation was how to suck up and avoid the trouble I was always in, and he was much too successful for his own good.