KLM

I have been reading reading reading everyones posts... I now realize I knew NOTHING about addicts. I now see that all you have to do in most cases is change the names.. its the same story
One of the biggest eye openers was something I think Cynical One wrote about... how addicts say they "need their space" "its not you its me" " I need to work on myself" etc etc. WOW
Here I thought my AH was different... stronger, smarter, able to kick his crack habit on his own.... Nope...

Just needed to jot this down and say thanks everyone for sharing. Such a help to newbies like me
Having a down day

stucna

i had the same way of thinking at the begining, but after reading so much i know theres the pattern. things they saying, how they behave in certain points and situations. all do the same... all of them. my AXBF wasnt different, tho i liked to believe so. more i read more i am aware whats going on and, whats most importand, more i know its not my fault!

MsMathemagician

KLM,

I, too, am a newcomer here... I, too, have an addicted husband (pain pills is his preferred drug). Reading all I have read the last several days is almost a reality I was too afraid to face. I have and always have had the hardest time accepting my complete inability to will my husband to "get better" or to just do it for him myself. I always wonder what else there is for me to do and I understand logically I can't do ANYTHING, but I guess my emotionally vested self refuses to accept defeat or something. In the end I'm just torturing myself by setting myself up for disappointment, constantly thinking "will THIS be the thing that makes something *click* in his head finally?" only to be let down.

Believe me, I know all about having down days. He is essentially my fourth child and I completely resent him for that. I'm not sure why I let him and his ridiculously selfish actions dictate my happiness.

Good luck in your journey. I hate to know others are out there that feel as frustrated/helpless/etc as I do, but it's comforting to know someone can relate and I'm not as alone as I thought.

mareahh

I have only been "dealing" with my AB for about 8 months now. He immediately told me about his addiction a few weeks after we met. I however thought he was clean. Well apparently he wasnt. He too enjoys the pills. He is now in jail for possession and has been in jail now for 64 days. And I'm thankful for that because if he hadnt gone to jail who knows what could have happened to him? He truly hit rock bottom and started using heavily. He is now in a substance abuse program and has graduated phase one. I'm very proud of him. I know I can not change him or make him stop. That has to be his decision. But rather or not I choose to put up with it is mine. Y'all hang in there. I too was very discouraged when I first came here. But once I started asking questions and looking around. Recovery isn't as unlikely as it sounds. I've spoken with just as many people who have been sober/clean ranging from 6 months to 30 years that I have people in active addiction. I knew nothing about addiction. But now, I am slowly learning more and more everyday. Stay strong and positive for your self. Work on you. I refuse to baby sit my AB. He makes his bed. He lays in it. Good luck y'all.

Lily1918

Its hard isn't it? at first I dreaded this place and thought it was full of "stinkin thinkin" but I just kept coming back, and now I love it here. It's so safe, and so full of hope. It has taken me awhile to see that though.

mareahh

Agreed!

AnvilheadII

I think that is why some of the posts seem HARSH. I myself grew up in a family of alcoholics, had my own issues with alcohol, had 7.5 years sober, chose to drink again, and for the finale ended up addicted to crack. so I've not only experienced the loved one of an abuser, but also AS an addict. so when I see posts about how "he" has 5 whole days and now life will be wonderful, I cringe.

because you really can't understand addiction unless you've been an addict. or lived thru 20 years with an addicted loved one and seen it all.

i'm a sensible responsible fully functional financially sound 52 yr old woman. raised an incredible now 30 yr old daughter, private school, thru college with a double major and a minor; second marriage I was always the bookkeeper, bill payer, financier. we inherited my mom's home and estate, sold her house, bought another house, did a refi and a remodel....for the last SEVEN of our 14 years together I planned my "escape" because I no longer belonged in that life with my husband.....

I also drank those last 7 years. I guess you call that a "functional" alcoholic? when I left, I had paid down bills and debt so that we could each survive on our own. I didn't leave until I was SURE that was possible. I had a spreadsheet. I left him EVERYTHING...the house, the newly remodeled kitchen with those hickory cabinets i hand picked, and bath with the 6 ft jetted tub, and the two dogs. (wretched beasts). and my fiesta ware collection.

today, 11 years later, hank and I are here, over 6 years clean off crack cocaine...we own a home on a lake....we have two dogs. we are back out the other side. recovery isn't seen in FIVE days. I remember getting 5 whole days off crack and sitting in my bathroom, literally digging my fingers into the wall, crying because the cravings were SO bad. and we ended up making the call. heck, 5 whole days is Monday thru Friday....still leaves the weekend, right?

I was an addict, but also a caretaker and yeah, codependent at the same time. I chose to DO crack with hank cuz I thought that would somehow make it ok. that was an ill-conceived plan!!! i have never encountered anything THAT addicting...three months, only on the weekends, 12 times, and KABOOM i was hooked. it happened that quick. took 4.5 years to finally quit. BLECH. 3 months to get hooked.....54 months to get off.

here at SR we DO offer hope. yes recovery IS possible. for anyone. who TRULY wants it. but there is no magic cure. people don't change overnight.

Hanna

Thank you Anvil. Words can't really express my gratitude, but this is why I come to SR.

Ilovemysonjj

Thanks Anvil! Perfect message for me

Vale

Just as all addictive lifepaths seem to be the same---so are the lifepaths they are
affected by.

How special and different I felt upon my first discovery of SR. LMN posted a while back .......
("Why do some posters 'drift off'?).I think a big part is that the stories sort
of merge together.This evil is SO powerful......there is NOTHING personal---it's just
science.

When a person's head goes underwater----they are going to be dead in 8 minutes.
Some in 6, some in nine.......a select few will last 10.......(just science).

What did Dr Drew say (recently?)....that opiate adiction has a poorer prognosis that
all but the most aggressive cancers?

THAT put it perspective for me.That ANY of us are 'special' or 'apart' from 'the rules'
of life is just an illusion to protect our ego's.If life has taught me anything---it is that
'illusions' (like battle plans!) ......never survive first contact with the enemy.

stucna

it is also pure psychology. i have read "cognitive theraphy of substance abuse" by Aaron Beck. its amazing, showing you from psychologist perspective whats going on in addicted head and how to talk to them and not that obvious details that you should know about. it also helped me to understand more my AXBF.

when/if you have got massive knowledge about addiction you are one step forward from addicted. you can prepare yourself for potential scenario and think of your future action.