broken101

I feel so lost and broken. Why is it so easy for an addict or someone who knows that they cannot make someone happy or be honest with them to move on, jumping from one relationship to another? My exbf just seems to do it with such ease and grace. I know he is going to hurt another girl and I cannot do anything about it. I got a chance to see my goddaughter for the last 4 days unfortunately he was there, the first 2 nights were ok, then I picked up my camera that I left there and I see a naked picture of him in it. I asked him why that picture was there and he said he had taken that for me. Who is he kidding, why would he take a naked picture of himself for me when we broke up. I told him I don't want anything from him and he said we needed to talk. I said we have nothing to talk about and I know that picture was taken so he can send it to the women he meet on Craigslist. How sick. I got dressed to go out one night with a cute lil short dress and he flipped out saying I was playing games with him. I said to him why does it bother u if I am going out and he acts like he is hurting (which I think in some way he is I know he did love me at one time). But before I could leave the house he left and did not come home till the morning, where did he sleep I don't know and don't care.
I cut my visit short cause he seem to be having issues with e being there to see my goddaughter. I told them that I love my goddaughter but I will not be visiting anytime soon and when I do I will stay at a hotel instead of the house. I have to do what's best for me thou it breaks my heart that I cant see my goddaughter more often. He called me saying he will always love me and that I broke his heart and that I am a horrible, selfish, pathetic little girl and I don't deserve to be happy and he feels sorry for me because Karma will kill me. I gave my heart and soul, thousands of dollars and every ounce of energy to this man, I felt my best friend who was undergoing chemotherapy at the time and needed me more than ever to be with my ex and all the promises and lies he cheated on me, lied to me and took just about everything away from me.
I am asking for your support I just feel so sad and depressed and numb.

hello-kitty

I'm sorry seeing him made you feel this way. I think that when we are exposed to people who are dead inside, we start to feel dead inside too.

He's a sick, disturbed man and the things he said make no sense. First he loves you. Then you are horrible and selfish? It's just quacking.It's manipulation at it's most base and disgusting level. But you can't make him stop doing it. You can only stop exposing yourself to it.

I hope you can choose no contact in the future and keep working on your own recovery.

Do something you love today and feel better soon.

EnglishGarden

I'm so sorry for your deep sadness and for your shock and disbelief, broken101. It is very hard for you to absorb the reality of who he is because you cannot yourself imagine being that kind of person who uses others like objects and then denigrates them and tosses them aside. You cannot comprehend it, and couldn't see it coming. When we fall in love with addicts we are as in a spell, because in their addiction they create beautiful illusions which draw us to them. We do not realize the danger we are in.

Many here will completely understand your pain and numbness. We call it being blindsided by the addict. As if someone just hit us with a massive blow to the head and the heart.

In the links labeled "Sticky" on our opening page you will find one titled "What Addicts Do." If you haven't yet read that, it will perhaps help you. Every word of it is true. We always blame ourselves at first, when an addict cuts us down, and we wish for second chances or we wish to be better or prettier or anything other than who we are, because the addict has convinced us we are the problem. This is the script in all relationships with addicts: they deflate us to inflate themselves. It is a lie.

It is best to avoid him until you have rebuilt your confidence and can see him for what he is. If you need help to work this through, going to Al-Anon meetings can help.

This is not your fault. It is the poison of addiction.

broken101

I am quoting blackandblue here from another post " be patient with yourself. Recognize your feelings and realize they are not facts. I took a while for that one to sink in because I used to operate solely form my emotions like I was being lead around by the hair by a wild horse. Now I have taken control of the only thing I have control over myself and my emotions. The emptiness I experienced in my situation was because I lost my "inner light". I needed to learn how to take care of my needs because they sure were not being met by anyone else. It has taken a lot of recovery on my part to find my light again and the funny thing is that is was still there. It never went out but is sure was dimmed by being around such insanity. I experienced repeated lying, cheating and emotional abuse. Enough was enough when finally he delivered a really low blow. It was funny what it took to end it for me finally. A comment to end all comments. It was the final blow to my ego. The shattering of my self-esteem. And I won't repeat it here because I choose not to give it life".

Thank you blackandblue for that. That’s where I am now in my recovery all I feel is emptiness. I can feel my "inner light" lighting to come out but I am having a hard time controlling my emotions. Today he delivered that final low blow. He said to me. I lost our baby last year because I was a horrible person who did not deserve to be a mother, that I need help and I will never carry a baby full terms because Karma will shoot that chance down for me. He said you are dead to me. And that was it. He hung up. I am never going to allow myself to be treated that way again I cannot take one more from him it will send me over the edge. I will never call, text or answerer him ever again as I am dead. I will not call to check up on my goddaughter nor will I visit for a very long time. This is it for me. This is the end of my emotional abuse and my codependency.

zoso77

He didn't take everything away from you. You found the strength to come here, and you found the courage to share your story with others. That's not easy.

Yes, you gave a lot to him. Yes, he did what he did. But the reason he does what he does is because he's an addict, and addicts are sick people who do sick things.

If I were you, every time a "why?" question pops into your head, train yourself to answer that question with "because he's an addict". And then decide that while today you're hurting and you feel dead inside, you will get better. You may only have a couple of good days here and there, but a couple of days is still better than no days whatsoever.

Just keep going. You will be OK.

Best,
ZoSo

KLM

Love this...... gonna do it!

broken101

I ask myself why wouldn’t he call or text and I realize its because he has moved on to his other "victim". I know he will never truly be happy, he is unavailable emotionally and cannot provide a woman with anything she deserves such as respect, love, commitment, honestly, financial support because he does not have any of that for himself. I know how he is a most likely a sex addict and he may hid it very well but he is not 100% a recovered addict from heroin. I will continue to love Jay, but I will do it from afar where I cannot be hurt. Every word he called me was a clear reflection of himself; he said I was a lire, cheater, sorrowful pathetic human, don't deserve to be a mom, that I was and could never be honest; all of this is him and I think he knows it. I kinda feel sorry for him, he knows he cannot give anyone anything to make them truly happy so he cheats and making a woman temporally happy by having sex and showering them with attention and saying all the right things I what and the only way he can feel like a man. I can provide for myself (buy my own food pay rent, car, all necessities) which he cannot and may never be able to do. I have to admit thou that I am scared I cannot trust myself when he is around, I feel as if he calls tonight I will run to him. Who knew withdrawal from my addiction was going to be so difficult.

Not sure how much more I can handle. Spent the last few hours reading blackandblue post. Its been a crazy 18 months for me. 3 failed pregnancies, multiple breakups an lying and cheating on his behalf from the very start. I even tried to num my pain by popping sleeping pills 10 at one time. I lost myself when I look in the mirror I see a lil girl who craves love and whose dreams of having a family and the man I love crushed. I know he is not the one God meant for me but why didn’t God give me what I wanted with who I wanted?

zoso77

Maybe because God's got His own plans for you, and want you may want isn't necessarily what's best for you.

After reading this post, I would encourage you to seek counseling. You're dealing with a lot of loss and a lot of grief, and I think you could use a helping hand to shoulder that grief. Something to think about...

Best,
ZoSo

Vale

>>>>>>I think that when we are exposed to people who are dead inside, we start to feel dead inside too.<<<<<<

(artistry,Hello-Kitty.............pure artistry!)

[Thank You]

broken101

Thank you members of SR. I don't know where I would be if it wasn’t for this website, I read some of your posts and some are you are just starting your recovery, some in the middle and some have come such a long way. I hold on to the hope that in time I too will be just fine. I struggle everyday and there is not a minute that goes by that I don't think of my ex. But I know that he is not emotionally available and he has unresolved issues that he needs to deal with from his childhood, prison sentence, past relationships and drug addiction. I pray and ask God to guide and protect him through his journey, and I call on my Higher Power to do the same for me. I cannot say I wish he never came into my life, because I don't, he did show me love and how to live in the present and not life my life because I fear what people may think, and he give me an incredible friend and a little angle, his niece.

pianogirl1193

I am thinking of you broken101. I am sorry you are going through this...I don't have much to say other than that. But we are here for you. I don't know much, as I am early in my recovery from my addict also, but I guess all we can do is put our faith in God and ask Him to help us carry this burden. You have been so strong and I am inspired by it! Keep hanging on and posting here.

dollydo

"Why didn’t God give me what I wanted with who I wanted? "

Cause god knew that this man was not Mr.Right? Everything in life happens for a reason, although, sometimes we cannot embrace the reason. Perhaps, Gods direction for you is to be in some different order, find a nice clean/ sober man, get married, have children.

I really don't know the answer, I just know that you deserve so much better, perhaps therapy will be of help to you, he (no man) certainly is not worth taking your life over.

broken101

I have made an appointment to see a therapist. I know he is not worth it. But I just don't know what gets into me when we get into an argument. After 3 failed pregnancies I do believe that due to his drug use he was the problem. And now as I look back I don't even consider him to be a man, he is a selfish little boy stuck in a grown man's pants. But thank you all for your support and encouragement. I am beginning to focus on me and my recovery, I will like to meet a clean sober NORMAL guy and settle down but until I figure out me and feel 100% I will be single