My reminders
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 88
My reminders
When I find myself starting to be eaten up with emotions and guilt over my AB I usually come back here for clarity and reminders. So I am back, need to put it in writing again so that I don't cave and that I can move forward from this stupid place I let myself wander to.
I sent AB in jail a letter outlining my choice to no longer participate in any way the path he had chosen. No jail funds, no calls, no being his go between for family or friends, no errands on his behalf. If someone wanted to get in touch with him, it was their job, not mine.
I am sure he was thrilled. He has nobody else's phone numbers or addresses, no 'comfort' funds on his jail account. He respected my wishes for about a week and stopped trying to call. But yesterday he called 3 times in a row. I didn't answer, but the flood of guilt and emotion was nuts. Pretty dumb that seeing a jail number on my phone can produce that. Suppose I should research just blocking my number. Sigh....co-dependency is such a fun thing.
My vivid imagination wants to stay up all night considering the possibilities of not emotionally being there for my brother. What if there is actually something hugely important he needs?? (oh thee busy mind needs a new hobby). The fact I lost one brother to suicide doesn't help, so I spend too much time considering the chances of losing a second. I have started to come to the point that maybe distancing myself is a better option purely because the chances of my bro OD'ing or suicide are a very distinct possibility, and maybe it would be easier if I emotionally disconnect now. Boy that just seems backwards. I cannot save him, I know this, just need to remember that.
Some family members have asked me how he is, I just state I have removed contact and if they want to know they should write him. No one has. They weren't involved with my brother or I really before this drama, they sure aren't when things got ugly. They give me looks or comments like maybe me going no contact is bad, I just say its my decision to no longer be involved in his negative choices, he is a 33 yr old man. I have always been seen as the 'cold' too logical person of the family, if only they knew how hard this was to actually do. And seriously, they are ones to talk!
So, with this posting I am repeating to myself that his higher power will do whatever is needed for him. That I have no control over his future. That answering his calls, sending more letters, giving him money, nothing will change that. That what will be will be, and distancing myself is best for MY own health and recovery. That these challenges are not because I have made errors in my judgement, but just part of the process of letting go. Recovering, staying healthy physically and emotionally, and hopefully becoming successful at starting a family of my own with my DH. THAT is my path, that is what I shall walk. Saving my brother is not my path.
Thanks for letting me post, hope everyone has a good day
I sent AB in jail a letter outlining my choice to no longer participate in any way the path he had chosen. No jail funds, no calls, no being his go between for family or friends, no errands on his behalf. If someone wanted to get in touch with him, it was their job, not mine.
I am sure he was thrilled. He has nobody else's phone numbers or addresses, no 'comfort' funds on his jail account. He respected my wishes for about a week and stopped trying to call. But yesterday he called 3 times in a row. I didn't answer, but the flood of guilt and emotion was nuts. Pretty dumb that seeing a jail number on my phone can produce that. Suppose I should research just blocking my number. Sigh....co-dependency is such a fun thing.
My vivid imagination wants to stay up all night considering the possibilities of not emotionally being there for my brother. What if there is actually something hugely important he needs?? (oh thee busy mind needs a new hobby). The fact I lost one brother to suicide doesn't help, so I spend too much time considering the chances of losing a second. I have started to come to the point that maybe distancing myself is a better option purely because the chances of my bro OD'ing or suicide are a very distinct possibility, and maybe it would be easier if I emotionally disconnect now. Boy that just seems backwards. I cannot save him, I know this, just need to remember that.
Some family members have asked me how he is, I just state I have removed contact and if they want to know they should write him. No one has. They weren't involved with my brother or I really before this drama, they sure aren't when things got ugly. They give me looks or comments like maybe me going no contact is bad, I just say its my decision to no longer be involved in his negative choices, he is a 33 yr old man. I have always been seen as the 'cold' too logical person of the family, if only they knew how hard this was to actually do. And seriously, they are ones to talk!
So, with this posting I am repeating to myself that his higher power will do whatever is needed for him. That I have no control over his future. That answering his calls, sending more letters, giving him money, nothing will change that. That what will be will be, and distancing myself is best for MY own health and recovery. That these challenges are not because I have made errors in my judgement, but just part of the process of letting go. Recovering, staying healthy physically and emotionally, and hopefully becoming successful at starting a family of my own with my DH. THAT is my path, that is what I shall walk. Saving my brother is not my path.
Thanks for letting me post, hope everyone has a good day
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I want to echo Hanna's comforting words as well.
I don't know the details of your history with your brother, but I do know that "being there emotionally" for an addict is not the same as for someone who is not an addict-- people in active addiction are looking for support for their addiction not for their emotions.
I'm sure you have probably told him you love him, you want the best for him--a sober and healthy life--and that you will pray for him to find his way with the right help. You are unable to help him. His problem is addiction--and you are unqualified to help in that matter. But there are many who can.
The suicide of your other brother must surely make this all the harder for you, as I know I, too, would be afraid I might not do what needs to be done for the surviving brother. If medical depression were your incarcerated brother's only issue, it would be right to contact a doctor to initiate medication and therapy for depression while he is in jail. But if your brother is an active addict, then his actions and thinking are about drug-seeking and finding enablers to exploit to that end. I am told that drugs are all over jails and prisons.
I don't know much about institutions but it's my understanding that addicts behind bars do have access to meetings. His real chances for bettering his life will be in that. Not in more money on his books from his sister who is powerless over his disease.
Make that good life for yourself you are imagining. The world needs all the good lives and healthy households it can get.
I don't know the details of your history with your brother, but I do know that "being there emotionally" for an addict is not the same as for someone who is not an addict-- people in active addiction are looking for support for their addiction not for their emotions.
I'm sure you have probably told him you love him, you want the best for him--a sober and healthy life--and that you will pray for him to find his way with the right help. You are unable to help him. His problem is addiction--and you are unqualified to help in that matter. But there are many who can.
The suicide of your other brother must surely make this all the harder for you, as I know I, too, would be afraid I might not do what needs to be done for the surviving brother. If medical depression were your incarcerated brother's only issue, it would be right to contact a doctor to initiate medication and therapy for depression while he is in jail. But if your brother is an active addict, then his actions and thinking are about drug-seeking and finding enablers to exploit to that end. I am told that drugs are all over jails and prisons.
I don't know much about institutions but it's my understanding that addicts behind bars do have access to meetings. His real chances for bettering his life will be in that. Not in more money on his books from his sister who is powerless over his disease.
Make that good life for yourself you are imagining. The world needs all the good lives and healthy households it can get.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
The suicide of your other brother must surely make this all the harder for you, as I know I, too, would be afraid I might not do what needs to be done for the surviving brother. If medical depression were your incarcerated brother's only issue, it would be right to contact a doctor to initiate medication and therapy for depression while he is in jail. But if your brother is an active addict, then his actions and thinking are about drug-seeking and finding enablers to exploit to that end. I am told that drugs are all over jails and prisons.
I don't know much about institutions but it's my understanding that addicts behind bars do have access to meetings. His real chances for bettering his life will be in that. Not in more money on his books from his sister who is powerless over his disease.
He actually is in the treatment program at the jail, probably less for treatment and more for the more lax rules in that unit. He was there for 2.5 months before moving to work release, he lasted 3 weeks in work release and is now back in jail and in the program. He sounds like he is just going through the motions, glossing over his problems, listing the 100 ways he is 'above' all the other addicts and inmates in the programs. He just doesn't sound ready.
We have manic depression rampant in our family, he won't admit that he has any issues with that. I have told him to seek help with the docs in jail, from what I can tell all he does is try and weasel out sleeping pills from them (which inmates palm and then trade of course). He may or may not do hard drugs in jail, but my previous extreme health nut brother is now a sugar, caffeine and sleeping pill addict on top of heroin. So me holding out on commissary funds means he cannot feed any of his habits nor can he work the inmate hustle (well, at least not with my assistance). Sounded like he was dealing coffee on the inside as well as he was probably dealing stuff on the outside.
Saying all that out loud so to speak makes it seem even more silly then I thought. All the more reason to stay no contact.
Thanks again Hanna & EnglishGarden
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