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I left and now he's making me feel guilt!

Old 02-19-2013, 09:38 AM
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I left and now he's making me feel guilt!

My head says one thing, but my heart says another. He is making me feel guilty for leaving. (Quick recap…I left him after 25 years of marriage because I am just so done with all of his lies and betral of trust, along with his many addictions and the life that goes with that…meetings, etc.). He keeps saying that love should conquer all. I used to believe that, but getting back the trust is so very difficult, I don’t know if it can be done (again). He is asking that I give him a chance (third chance) to make things right. He has supposedly been clean from opiates for 9 months, but now has moved his addiction to gambling in a serious way! I don’t want to give him false hope…but the truth is, I don’t really know if I want him back…I have just been taken for granted for so long. I find myself almost telling him what he wants to hear (that there is hope)…and there might very well be hope…but in the back of my mind, I feel I am done…and this is making me guilty…but he is so sad and so compelled to “make things right”. I am just so tired of it all. Both my kids (24) and (20) aren’t even talking to him...and he is blaming that on me. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you all!!!
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Old 02-19-2013, 10:00 AM
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Guilt is something we feel when we know we have done something wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You gave him 25 years of your life and now, you deserve to live your life for yourself. Your kids are grown and their relationship with him has nothing to do with you. He is responsible for that and they are old enough to have their own opinions.

Maybe you should go no contact for a while. He can't try to make you feel guilty if you don't have any communication with him. Give yourself some time and distance from the chaos. It will help you think more clearly. You don't have to make any decisions today. Take some time for you. We're here for support.
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Old 02-19-2013, 10:16 AM
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No one makes you feel guilty. You own that emotion. It's a codependent response to his manipulation. He is using your emotions and codependent tendencies against you. He knows that he can "guilt" you into coming back. It's worked in the past, right? So it's up to you if you are ready to work through that and change. Because right now, he's doing whatever works for him to get what he wants for himself.

Time to double up on your support for yourself. Read more books about codependency and healthy boundaries in relationship. Focus on your personal values and goals. Do your homework. Write down your personal boundaries. Do whatever it takes for you to get healthy - to live a satisfying life that is true to what you believe and value.

Gambling is a serious addiction. Do you want that in your life? If not, then there is no reason to feel guilty. You are doing the right thing and taking care of yourself.

No contact works very well when someone is trying to manipulate you. It gives you time to sort through your gut feelings and make WISE decisions without being pressured. In fact, it's one of my personal boundaries.

If I feel like someone is trying to manipulate me and guilt me into doing something that I know in my gut is wrong, I will no longer talk to them.
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Old 02-19-2013, 10:21 AM
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often when we make big life changes we will surely feel some doubt and remorse, coupled with a good dose of second guessing. that's a very natural reaction whenever we move out of our comfort zone, even if that zone was anything but truly COMFORTABLE. it's what we know the best.

even after the most exotic vacation to gorgeous uncharted NEW territory, what's the FIRST thing we wanna do when we get home? take a nice hot shower in our own bathroom and take a nice long nap in our own bed. why? cuz it's what we know.

you know what you know. stand firm in that. his words are truly meaningless, the way he bandies about words like LOVE and CHANCE. and everything that he wants YOU to do FOR him. say it with me, thhppppppppp.
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Old 02-20-2013, 03:02 PM
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Quack Quack Quack.

He's putting on you what he should be feeling himself. If he was ready to get better he wouldn't be doing this.

Are you ready for a little no contact time?

With active addicts if they are trying to make you feel bad, you are probably doing something right.
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Old 02-20-2013, 03:46 PM
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I wish that I could remember who here told me how to deal with guilt.....I really think it was either Anvil or Cynical One....but either way it was great advice. She said....make a list of everything that you feel guilty about and then seek the explanation of why you've chosen to do what you feel guilty about. Ask what he did to cause you to make that choice.

I tell you - as soon as I did that the guilt dissipated. And I have to always remember that no one can make me feel guilty....if I feel guilty then I have signed up for that feeling.

I know that I am just over addiction of any sort....drugs, alcohol, work, gambling, sex, whatever. I don't want to be with anyone that is allowing sometime else run their life. No more. There is nothing to feel guilty about in wanting serenity.

And you know what....sometimes, the straw that breaks the camels back gets added and you are just done. Over. You've had enough. Never do I ever hear someone come back and say "why didn't you try harder to make it work or stay longer?". Oh wait....one person has - HIM. His comments don't count though. Like how many chances do you need?

I hope that you are feeling better and not taking on the guilt that isn't yours to bear anyway.
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Old 02-20-2013, 05:32 PM
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Well, if you allow him to make you feel that way, then you'll feel guilty. All this tells me is he's currently unable to accept responsibility for his own behavior. And that's not your problem.

Take care of you, and do what you feel you need to do.

ZoSo
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Old 02-20-2013, 08:03 PM
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guilt is a codependent trigger
it is sometimes used as a good excuse to relapse as a codependent
our disease, just like the addict, is cunning, baffling and powerful
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Old 02-20-2013, 08:15 PM
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I'm an RA and a recovering codie. I know addiction inside and out. When it came to my last bf, one who I shared an addiction with, I had problems. He talked the talk, but didn't walk the walk.

Fortunately, I had begun reading here and started thinking about what *I* wanted from the relationship. I realized that, no matter HOW much time he had in recovery (had he ever chosen that, and he didn't) I would forever be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would never trust him.

It wasn't that I didn't love him...I did. It was just that I was TIRED of the lies, the betrayals, and I couldn't go on living that way.

At some point we have to realize that what WE want from life is important. Guilt? My XABF died from the addiction we shared and I don't feel guilt. I couldn't make him see how great recovery was (and he had a LOT of chances to see that).

Did I grieve? Yes. Did I feel guilty? No. I did what I needed to do for ME, which included getting away from him. I can't change another person, I can only change myself.

Take care of you, sweetie. You are the only one you can control. When it hurts to do that? Come here....we "get" that.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 02-20-2013, 09:10 PM
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A long time ago someone told me, "You can be a victim only once...after that you become a volunteer."

One of my hardest struggles in this journey through loving an addict is figuring out that it's okay for me to be happy and have a life in spite of my addict's pain and suffering.

I can have my own life and my own purpose without sacrificing everything I am on the altar of my daughter's addictions and choices.

Sending you a prayer of peace.

Take a few deep breaths.
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