ZiggyStardust91

Yesterday, I forced myself to talk to my XAGF for closure. Everything she's said has been a lie, and I knew it. So I wanted to get in my final say so that I can set myself free and continue on in my life.
She was stoned and unresponsive emotionally.
In my closing I'd asked her if she at least broke up with me before talking to the new guy.
She was stunned, because she's been feeding me the "I'm searching for myself" line for so long now, and didn't think I'd find out about him. All she said was, "who told you."
I got up and left at that point. I thought I'd said all I wanted.

I got home and felt a weight off my chest. I felt better. Far from good... But better.
This morning I feel empty. Not happy. Not sad. Not hopeless. And not hopeful. Just blank.
I keep feeling the compulsion to text her that I know who he is. What he does for a "job" (Drug dealer). And what he's done (he got one of his friends little brothers hooked on heroin).
I just want to throw her lies of "finding herself" in her face. But I know it won't change anything. And it probably won't make me feel any better.

I just don't know.

Ziggy

battlescars

I heard the "searching for myself" line plenty o times from my XAF. I believed him until I found out that what that meant was cheating on me, getting blackout drunk every night of the week, sleeping with as many girls as possible, and being an all round jackass to his friends and mine. Nice search engine! She already knows she's lying. Throwing it in her face is only fueling your anger. I did that; it felt good for a few days and then it made me feel worse. The best revenge is living well as they say. I feel your pain but would take the high road if I were you. Try to find productive ways to let your anger out, because it does need to come out. Working out, talking to a therapist or on SR, journaling, etc. Good luck!

ZiggyStardust91

Thank you Battlescars. I just feel betrayed and hurt. I know she wasn't bring malicious, her addiction is in full control, so I am trying to stay as kind and stoic.
I have been worn thin from codependency and emotional neglect, so I am feeling broken.

One day at a time.

Ziggy

MiSoberbio

These are some of the first "good" things that I've seen you write so far, in my opinion. I kinda laid low because I saw myself in so much that you posted in your two threads -- I wasn't sure what I could offer by posting... But now I feel like sharing.

I felt (and still feel to some extent) "broken" by my relationship with my addict companion. And for the longest time I put it all in his lap, or I blamed his addiction, or whatever. And while a lot of his behavior was wholly unacceptable, most of it was just common active-addict behavior that I permitted, time and time again, to rule me. Why did I allow SO MANY instances of maltreatment with this one person, when I would NEVER, ever allow others to treat me in such a way?... except for my father, who is an addict as well, and who ingrained in me since my birth that the people I loved needed to be damaged, so that I could fix them.

You're talking about your girlfriend a lot here, and it's understandable because you're experiencing pain due to your relationship with her, but you'd be better served by talking more about yourself – about what you feel, not what she did. I say this with a caring heart, not out of indifference to your pain, because, if she follows her current path, she will continue to beguile you with lies, and you will be drawn back to the insane drama over and over until you get to the point where the pain you are feeling now will seem like a pin-pr*ck.

Here's where I am now, in my road to recovery: I'm beginning to see that I've been avoiding healthy relationships my whole life. There's something inside of me that feels more comfortable with illness, with grief, with suffering, and I need to change that if I really want to experience the happiness that I know is out there. On the one hand, I am someone who is peaceful and full of love, but on the other I reject (or, I have rejected) stability and wholesome, healthy love in my life... I have learned that all my giving and caring has really been a technique to form relationships of "conditional" love -- basically, I sought people who needed help, who were emotionally unavailable (either due to addiction or other factors, such as a partner who represses his sexual orientation). I brought that into my life, by very clearly avoiding "healthy" people (although, everyone has stuff to work on, obviously). Why? Well, I'm working on that...

So, what I want to say is that while your personal struggles are distinct from mine, it is clear from what you write that there is a whole lot of muck down there, in you, that needs to be dredged, examined, and disposed of (as much as possible). Your (ex)girlfriend has her own path, and it may turn out to be a "good" one. No one here knows what the future holds -- we only share our experience to help others recognize similar patterns. Take this time now to work on yourself, so that you will never suffer again like you are now.

I continue to believe that recovery is possible – I meet people in my NarAnon groups who demonstrate it, and I know people who are addicted to substances who also embrace it. We all can get better, but it takes time, honesty, and commitment.

ZiggyStardust91

MiSoberBio,

Thank you for sharing. I can definitely see similarity. I've flocked to unhealthy relationships before. This is the first time I've dealt with drugs though. This one seems to be deeper than the others.

I felt like the "white knight" who could come in and save someone. She kept telling me she was "doing it for me". Which should have been my first clue that it wasn't gonna work out.
I am beginning to realize that I can only change myself. I have no control over others. With that in mind, I need to continue trudging on through my own mental waste. I'm worth it. I deserve it.

Thank you so much. You are all helping me.

Ziggy

jerect

Ziggy, sometimes we dont get closure.. I think you can only do that by forgiving yourself and finding your inner peace..

I would go NC from your ex.. NC is the only way you are going to let go and heal and move on to a healthier relationship..

Lily1918

I am learning NC is the best the hard way. hang in there. hugs

KittenBoo

omg Ziggy, I often read your posts and feel your pain and feel the emptiness, the anger, the various things...so many of us are right there with you. We've been through these thoughts, these feelings.

I'm glad I found this site and glad that you and others keep sharing the stories of the typical addict/alcoholic behaviors and the lies and the saying, etc. I read it and it reinforces why I never, ever again want to be in a relationship with anyone who has any type of issue with these substances. Let alone the varying levels of emotional issues that underlie the addictions.

I mean, that is all this is really about- so many of these people we end up in relationships with are so emotionally crippled in so many ways and we think to ourselves things like "oh, they can grow and change with time and knowledge" or things about maturity and time and blah, blah, whatever. Wow, I have lied to myself too many times about people getting their heads out of their asses, and being here I know that most addicts/alcoholics will probably not do that.

They are often so emotionally broken and so emotionally unintelligent that they will never, ever "get it" and break free of their own cycles of thinking. It's not even the addiction issues, I think often we are just like "Why can't this person stop being a lying, selfish f***ing (you fill in the blank)". ???

Anyway, Ziggy, I am just saying that things will get better, but I totally hear you about closure in some way, or wanting to have my say, or trying to get something back emotionally that we lost in the cavern that are these people. They are empty black holes with minds that center only on how to fill the holes 24/7 and we are not a factor and never ever will be a factor in how they live their lives.

I am not saying this to be nasty to people who have recovered or to say that people cannot recover, that is not what I am saying, but what I do know are the lies and the selfish ways that are consistent among them all.

Things will get better Ziggy. Things will as you cut yourself completely off from this person and I know, I really, really know how hard it is to do it. *hugs*

zoso77

The biggest lesson I've learned about addicts are they're like a big, big container with a hole in the bottom of it. You pour in your understanding, your love, your compassion, and it just comes right out. An addict cannot be a responsible, committed partner in a romantic relationship. What they can be, however, are cruel, manipulative, and duplicitous. Exhibit one: my AXGF. Exhibit two: your AXGF.

They are what they are.

Regarding closure, or getting the last word...it's overrated. The last thing I texted to my AXGF was "Goodbye and God Bless". And that was it. I was done. And although I was hurt really, really badly, these days I can have a pretty good chuckle about it. So, I encourage you to not take what she did to you personally. Because she's sick, and sick people behave in sick ways. Rest assured she'll pull this crap on someone else down the road if she continues on the path she's on.

Now...work on healing yourself.

Best,
ZoSo

broken101

That is so true. I tried over and over to assure my ex he is loved and somewhere deep inside lies a good man, and all he did was turn around and put me as the bad guy. Sometimes its better to leave it alone. NC is the best way to move on, the more you try to find closure or any sort of what you think may make u feel better will only hurt u more and I talking from experience here. Walk away while you can.

blackandblue

The wound is fresh for you ZS91. Be patient with yourself. Recognize your feelings and realize they are not facts. I took a while for that one to sink in because I used to operate solely from my emotions like I was being led around by the hair by a wild horse. Now I have taken control of the only thing I have control over- myself and my emotions.

The emptiness I experienced in my situations was because I lost my "inner light." I needed to learn how to take care of my needs because they sure were not being met by anyone else. It has taken a lot of recovery on my part to find my light again and the funny thing is that it was still there. It never went out but is sure was dimmed by being around such insanity. Just read my posts.

I experienced repeated lying, cheating. and emotional abuse. Enough was enough when finally he delivered a really low blow. It was funny what it took to end it for me finally. A comment to end all comments. It was the final blow to my ego. The shattering of my self-esteem. And I won't repeat it here because I choose not to give it life.

These behaviors of active addicts are a mirror to our own behaviors. We have a lot to give and they have a lot to take. Her mirror is not a good match nor is it a true reflection of you. But pretty soon if you look in that tainted mirror too long, you start believing it is true. It sucks your soul, your identity, and your light.

Once you start focusing on you, the emptiness will fade because you will see that there is no hole inside of you. The emptiness is where all the potential lives. It's your inner warning signal to make a change. Prayer works for me in times of emptiness. And I highly recommend the stickies at the top. Esp. Zoso's guide to surviving a break-up with an addict.

Many blessings.

Vale

Closure is a gift you give to YOURSELF.
(They cannot give it to you).

-look for an 'out'.

When it presents itself...............TAKE IT!