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Being guilted for asking addict husband to leave.

Old 02-18-2013, 02:50 PM
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Exclamation Being guilted for asking addict husband to leave.

2 days ago I packed my opiate addict husband's belonging and asked him to leave and find somewhere else to stay when he came home drunk and high. I've been dealing with this addiction for years and FULL BLOWN for about 8 months. This past month he has just plain lost his mind. We have 6 children between us and the same people that have been telling me for months to make him leave(his mother and some of our mutual friends) are now treating me bad and feeling bad for him(our friends took him in temporarily but his mother wouldn't) His mother is acting like I kicking him out of HIS house (we are buying it,he's hardly paid any bills lately [or I since I am a stay at home mom and student ]and shouldn't it be easier for a grown man to leave than for a woman and 4 children to uproot?) The couple that he is staying with is avoiding me now. I'm working daily with my Al-Anon sponsor. Why should I be made to feel so guilty?
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Old 02-18-2013, 03:04 PM
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I'm sorry for what you are going through, but you are doing what is best for you!

I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and a codependent (Have several loved ones who are still using).

People want to blame someone....usually it's not themselves.

You haven't done anything wrong. When I was still an active A (addict/alcoholic), my family stepped back. They allowed me the dignity of living my life as I wanted to, as well as the consequences.

I'm forever grateful to them, but one of "them" is my dad. My stepmom is an A...addicted to anything that makes her feel "numb".

I share what I know from both sides of the fence...an addict and someone who loves an addict (or more).

I can't make him change his enabling ways, but I can show him how I deal with it.

When all hello breaks lose, I share what I've learned from SR and al-anon. It's up to HIM to deal with it. Me? I just keep showing what recovery is really like.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 02-18-2013, 03:05 PM
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If his mother and mutual friends are so worried about him, then they can take him in. It is definitely easier for him to leave than to uproot the entire family, but ultimately it is easier to get out of that situation and save you and your family's sanity.
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Old 02-18-2013, 03:38 PM
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It takes a lot of practice to stand up for yourself and do what is right for your kids. It's uncomfortable when we have to take drastic actions like kicking our loved one out of the house in order to protect ourselves. It feels awkward to think of ourselves for a change. It gets easier.

And its very common for others connected to us (friends, family, co-workers) to criticize, shift blame, and gossip about our decisions. But guess what? THEY don't live your life. YOU do. Accepting that others will be critical is part of the growth process and there is no shame in what you are doing. You can never make everyone happy all of the time....ever. Repeat this phrase as often as needed: "What others think of me is none of my business."

You do not have to discuss any part of the situation or justify your decisions to ANYONE except the justice system and God. You don't even have to pick up the phone or answer the door. This is your life and you get to decide how it's gonna be.

And remember......nobody can MAKE you feel a certain way. If you feel 'guilty', it's up to you to work through that. Know what I mean?
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Old 02-18-2013, 04:03 PM
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I can so relate to the being blamed!!! If you read my "toxic family members" thread, sometimes family members can even substitute and dish out further abuse that used to be dished out by the A.

It is like a wrestling tag team.... A is down and out and has now tagged up with his brother. Now it is his brother's turn to threaten, bully and push me around.

It has been quiet for a couple of weeks, but I fully intend to involve the police if they ramp things up again in the coming days.

Stay strong - you are doing the right thing to improve you and your children's lives!!
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Old 02-18-2013, 04:42 PM
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I am a huge source of blame for my BFs family. I was the cause of his relapse. I was cruel for making him sleep on the front porch etc and soforth. I agree with the above statements. It is the family members who have the problem, not you. I didn't realize this was true in my life until very recently when he went to rehab. even now when he is not using I am STILL the bad person because they call me to check up on how he is doing and I have no clue what step he is on or how many days clean he has. apparently the family just doesn't get it, and it seems like your friends don't either. Kuddos to you for taking care of yourself!!!! what strength you have
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Old 02-18-2013, 05:21 PM
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Jezb2008,

So glad to hear you do have support (al anon sponsor), at least from someone that gets the whole addiction piece! That for me was critical! I truly believe that having a sponsor was key to my recovery door! Clearly there were many other forces in play assisting me in recovery, but a sponsor was what helped me sort through everything in my early recovery! Helped me to understand and kept me grounded as best she could, by sharing her experience, strength and hope! Bravo for you dear lady! Stay with it, it will get better!

As for the folks outside your home and their "opinions" and "2 cents", that's is really none of their business! With all due respect! However for me in my early recovery .... everyone was my sounding board! I shared all the "juicy" and poor me stuff with everyone that would listen! I was a marytar, huge marytar! I wanted answers and told and asked everyone that knew nothing about addiction "what would you do" "what do you think"! I learned over time to share with those in meetings, my sponsor and GOD! I got over the guilt, the shame and the worry about what everyone else thought and said! I stopped sharing my personal private affiars with people that, God love them did not understand addiction!

Adventually I have the courage to change what I could! And gained the confidence I needed in my choices and the ability to do what I needed to do to take care of me! It took time and hard work but it happened and will for you! You will get to a place where the awkwardness of change and recovery and taking care of you and listening to your gut will come naturally! And the thought of what others think say or do wont effect you!

If you did what was best for you and your family/kids to have peace and serinty in your home and life, then no one has the right to question that! Trust your gut and allow the peace and serinity be your comfort and guide to keep doing what you need to do for you! Just for today!
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Old 02-18-2013, 08:30 PM
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Originally Posted by jzeb2008 View Post
2 days ago I packed my opiate addict husband's belonging and asked him to leave and find somewhere else to stay when he came home drunk and high. I've been dealing with this addiction for years and FULL BLOWN for about 8 months. This past month he has just plain lost his mind. We have 6 children between us and the same people that have been telling me for months to make him leave(his mother and some of our mutual friends) are now treating me bad and feeling bad for him(our friends took him in temporarily but his mother wouldn't) His mother is acting like I kicking him out of HIS house (we are buying it,he's hardly paid any bills lately [or I since I am a stay at home mom and student ]and shouldn't it be easier for a grown man to leave than for a woman and 4 children to uproot?) The couple that he is staying with is avoiding me now. I'm working daily with my Al-Anon sponsor. Why should I be made to feel so guilty?
If the people are treating you poorly, that's about them, not you. Please keep in mind that (surprise!) addicts lie, and you don't know what BS he has fed these people. So, just worry about you and the kids and don't let the background noise get to you.

Best,
ZoSo
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Old 02-18-2013, 08:55 PM
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jzeb2008 hang in there. None of those people have to live your daily life or raise your children, so they have no say in how your life goes.

You did not create this situation. Your husband is creating it through his addiction(s).

Glad to hear that you are working with your sponsor and look to them and keep coming here for voices of strength to support your own.

I find that so many people in this world judge others yet would be so infuriated to have the tables turned on themselves. Everyone should have more compassion in this world or at the very least the understanding to know enough to know that they do not know and leave people to their own lives.

Like I said, hang in there. You are doing what is best for you and your children.
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