ZiggyStardust91

Hi, I am new, so please excuse me for any mistakes.

I will try to keep this as short as possible.

I was dating a girl who was addicted to opiates. He mother supplied them up until she nearly died of an OD November of 2011. Then her father had her move in with him. She was prescribed Suboxone and was showing promising results. She was attending NA meetings, but quit going once she felt comfortable on Suboxone. Once she was taken off Sub, she began to smoke weed again, and I'm sure pills too. This past November she came to me and said that she only tied the pevious year just to make me and her father happy, and that her heat wasn't in it. But, now she wanted to actually do it for heself. I backed her 100% and never rubbed her addiction in her face.

Over time, she would get guilty for all I have gone through for her and try to break up with me (Take a break), because "She doesn't deserve me". I always could talk her out of it and try and boost her self-esteem, but not long after, we'd be repeating it all again.

On January 4th she wrote me a letter about how she needs to accept my love and accept that she is worth it. She then went on to talk about our future together. I never heard anything else about taking breaks after that. But she began to be distant and unavailable at all times of the day. (Never responding to calls or texts for long periods of time).

The 9th of February, she broke up with me and said she was serious this time and needed to find herself. I remained calm and just wanted her to be happy. Then I found out that she left me for a drug dealer. She is now abusing Concerta. I have been NC with her since the 9th, except for on Valentines day. She texted me and said that she knows it sucks, but that I am on her mind. All I replied was "Thanks" and left it at that. Her father has asked me to help him get her to agree to treatment.

I want to write her a letter and read it to her to try and remind her that there is happiness to be had and a future she must care for that drugs cannot obtain. I also want this to be everything I ever wanted to say to her about my love and everything else. I acknowledge that this might be my last time talking to her. I want to try and get her to agree to go to a few NA meetings, which would make her feel really good in the past, hoping I may be able to redirect her path. At this point, I am aware we may not have a future together, but I want to know she at least has a future.

I was just looking for advice on what I should say. I never could really word things very well, and I feel that an addict will be extra hostile. In turn, a single misswording might become a vicious mistake.

If this makes no sense or you need extra information, please do not hesitate to ask, I will update as frequently as I can. Thanks in advance.

Katiekate

Hi Ziggy, so glad you found us.

The thing is, she will not put an end to her problem with drugs until she is ready, or hits bottom, what ever comes first.

It sounds like it's a good time for you to educate yourself about addiction and maybe try to find some support and help for yourself.

There is a ton of infomation here on the forum, al anon, counseling, books on your own recovery.

I am sorry to say , but her sobriety and recovery is squarely in her hands, her words are just that, words, actions are what count.

We are here, we care, please keep posting.

Much love to you , Katie

ZiggyStardust91

Thank you, Katie, for the reply. I've been a wreck for some time now, and I go between felling good, and then bombing and feeling alone. Same goes for my plan to talk to her one last time. I will feel like I am wasting time, then i feel really good about doing it. I'm just so lost.

Katiekate

I can so relate to that Ziggy. A relationship with an A is chaotic, it causes so much angst, confusion, frustration and pain.

Can I ask???? Have you been to al anon, or counseling. It might be beneficial for you, and help you to see the dynamics of what is happening in your relationship.

It's easy for us to focus on our addicts and not really take a look at how unhappy we are, how exhausted we are, and how absolutely desparate we are to fix them, when in fact, we can not.

I feel for you, there are some stickies at the top of the friends and family forum, I really encourage you to give them are read, they are eye opening.

We are here, all the way through your journey, no matter what you decide, we will help as best we can.

Again, so glad you found us. Katie

PS also give a read on the friends and family of alcoholics section, lots of good stuff over there too!

Maylie

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can say or do that will make her turn her life around. It is obvious that you really care about her and what her future holds, but the only one that can give her a future is herself. She needs to want sobriety more than anything she has ever wanted, and until that point, there is nothing anyone can say or do.

Although many friends and family of addicts think that if they can just get their addicts to go to treatment then everything will be okay, it isn't true. Addicts can go to the best treatment center out there, and when they come out they will still use if they aren't ready to be sober. Treatment centers are only helpful if the addict is truely dedicated and wants to get something out of the treatment center.

If you decide to write a letter, write it to get you feelings out so that you can move forward with your own life, not because you expect it to make her change her mind about things and def. not because you want it to make her want to be clean. If you write the letter for any reason other then to get your feelings out and move forward with your own life, then your words will be wasted. It is impossible to get anything through to an addict that doesn't want to be helped. It is fustrating and can literally suck the life out of you to try to rationalize with an addict and get them to see what they are doing to their lives and to the lives of others.

I hope that you can start to focus on yourself and do what makes you happy. It gets easy to focus on the addict and not focus on ourselves. We are just as important as the addict is. Our needs matter. At times we might feel selfish for focusing on ourselves, but it isn't. We need to learn to seperate our identity from the addict and take care of ourselves because when it comes down to it, if we forget to take care of ourselves, then we ourselves don't have a future.

keep reading and posting here, SR is a very valuable resource.

hugs

Maylie

ZiggyStardust91

Katie, I gave some quick reading to some of the links. One was a page with lyrics/a poem about how the A will have to hit rock bottom or learn to get stronger on their own. Would it be harmful to talk to her about how I now know what she means by wanting to go it alone and doesnt want me to sit their knowing she is hurting me?
I can see why she always wanted to push me away, I couldnt imagine having a significant other who was dying to help, but I can't fix it, in turn feeling like a let down and such.

Right now I just wanna go to he house and tell her I finally see what she meant and that I know I cannot stop her, but if thee comes a time where she needs a support person I am willing?

Thanks again. you have been so helpful.

jerect

Welcome Ziggy, I'm so glad you have found us and hope that you find lots of support here..

In my experience talking to or trying to reason with an addict will get you nowhere.. you will either get lies, denial that they even have a problem, empty promises or a lot of yelling and shouting on their part to my your own business..

No amount of talking or reasoning with an addict is going to get them clean.. they have to cone to that decision on their own.. the best thing you can do for your addict is to set some clear boundaries and get help for yourself through this board and alanon or naranon..

The best thing to do is to remain NC with her and work on yourself.. I know its hard to do but loving an addict is even harder..

Katiekate

Honey, you will do what you will do, all I can tell you is this, everytime I tried to help, or talk, or listen all I got was more distressed. What I realized was that I was always having a conversation with an addiction, an addicted brain is very powerful , insincere, lying, blame shifting denying brain. You gf will always put her drugs first. It's like setting yourself up for more pain.

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR, Ziggy.

An addict who wants to get somebody out of the way who is threatening to her continuing drug use often uses the "I need to work on myself", "I don't deserve you," "I need to focus on my recovery," "You will never understand what I am going through," etc. phrases.

What all those phrases do is (1) creates the space the addict is seeking to use whenever she wants to and to hang with other addicts as she pleases, (2) creates the illusion that she is seeking self-improvement and is protecting someone she loves, thus inflating her addict need to look good, (3) keeps the affected loved one on a string and desperate because he then thinks--based on her manipulative language--that there still might be a chance to support her, prove he loves her, prove she does deserve him, and prove his steadfast loyalty by being willing to wait as long as it takes for her to get well.

This is a common pattern among addicts and their partners.

For many of us, the reason we want to convince the addict of something is because we ourselves want to feel better. We say we are helping or want to help the addict, but actually we want to find relief for our anxiety, or our loneliness, or our attachment to the addict. We fool ourselves by telling ourselves we have no hidden agendas when many times we actually do but deny that to ourselves.

Your impulse to write a letter to her and to choose the exact right words is something many here have done or have thought about doing. It has been called a kind of grandiosity in the codependent who wants to control outcomes.

She is living a secret life. There is so much you do not know and would be shocked to find out. She is an addict and she is ten steps ahead of you when it comes to secrets and manipulation.

Whether you write the letter or not is of small matter. But the ways in which you can continue to be sucked into her lies can result in real personal chaos.

It would be a good idea to read all the articles on the blog posted by "Cynical One" (located at the blue bar for blogs at the top of the page). They will be very important for your awareness of what is really going on in the addict-codependent relationship.

ZiggyStardust91

Thank you all so much. I will be frequenting these pages. I hope to find myself somewhere in all these words. I am writing a letter to her currently. It will be me telling her that I understand that it is not HER being malicious. I hold no resent to HER for the pain I've endured. She is in a battle with Addiction that I cannot imagine. That being said I must focus on myself. If, down the road, she needs me to talk to or cry for help, she knows how to contact me.

I will then go NC until she comes to me.

Thank you again for being so embracing to a complete stranger. It means a lot to me to be reassured that I am not alone.

I will update this thread with anything worthwhile, for those interested.

Thanks again, all of you,
Ziggy

Katiekate

i'm sorry you are going through this Ziggy.

You do not deserve it. I can tell you that healing for you is possible.

I was a train wreck when I first got here, I am feeling really good these days thanks to the kind folks here who took me under their wing and helped me make good decisions, got me to look at things in the truth and gave me their strength when they didn't even know it.

It's going to be okay.

allforcnm

Ziggy,

Expressing your feelings, and writing letters is not necessarily words being thrown down a hole. While your ex may not read your words, or that of her father and have an immediate change of heart regarding her life and sobriety; it can still serve a valuable purpose: to express your feelings and give you the gift of knowing you said your peace, and if done with love - the words may stick with the addict and resonate until they are later ready to hear them. I believe it is important for those lost in addiction to know their loved ones care, believe they can turn things around, and are there for them if/when they decide to ask for help, seek treatment. One of the greatest burdens of addiction is the shame, guilt, and the feelings of worthlessness that using drugs often brings on.

If you say your words and expect a specific reaction then you may be disappointed. That I feel is where so many people get into trouble. This is where issues of codependency come in... people feel they are putting it all out there, and by doing so surely it will fix the problem. When it doesn't anger, resentment, regret begin to creep in. But in truth ownership of those feelings belongs to the person, and has nothing to do with the addict. Not everyone has their emotions tied so tightly to the addict however, and so just do a quick inventory in your mind of how you will feel after you write and give it to her. There are no right or wrongs here in what you should do.

In your case, being an ex boyfriend; I would carefully analyze what you might say regarding your future. You don't want to imply the door is open when she is ready; if in fact it is closed

ZiggyStardust91

She just texted me a bit ago apologizing for everything she's putting me through. She seemed scared I would turn to alcohol (I've recently turned 21). But I know better. I want to say so much. But I need to walk away.

I have the letter ready for her. I will be dropping it off tonight after I get out of school and my second job. I want to read it with her(to her) and then just say my goodbye. Remind her that she's in my heart and that I believe in her.

I'm scared that I'm gonna try to get her back. Which I kind of want, but know I shouldn't try to make someone love me.

(I didn't state it earlier, but when we broke up she told me she loved me, but she wasn't in love with me. Then I had found out that she was talking/hanging out with the dealer and his friends. Then I found out she's dating him. I think it's not a emotional type of thing, I think she's just using him for his drugs. She doesn't know that I know this information. I'm debating on informing her that i know)

Too much going on in my head.
I gotta gt to work though. I'll catch up with you guys during my break. I'm gonna read some more threads on here too.

Thanks again to all of you.

Katiekate

please keep posting Ziggy,

you have a lot of life ahead of you.

give your love and kindness to someone who will return it in kind.

sending peace your way.

tjp613

She's not in love with you, she's in love with her drug. The drug will always, always take priority over everything else in her life. She has 'pushed you away' because she is essentially telling you "I don't want to change. I WANT this life and you are in the way." She can't be herself around you, but she certainly can be with her new beau!! She knows she's headed down a bad road and she's gonna need you later....so that's why she's keeping her toe in the door....just in case she gets in a real jam later on. This is what we 'veterans' call the Roller Coaster. You can ride this ride as long as you want or you can get off, but there's no in between.

Impurrfect

((Ziggy)) - I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codependent who has/had loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics).

Nothing anyone said or did when I was using made a difference EXCEPT when my loved ones allowed me to deal with the consequences of my addiction. I knew they loved me, but they stood by while I dug a really deep hole of addiction, then started working on digging myself out of that hole.

On another note, I spent 20+ years with a functioning alcholic. Something in me wanted to "fix him" and I couldn't, and I turned to drugs to deal with the pain.

Not everyone follows my path, but I can tell you this. I'm going on 6 years in recovery. I've watched one of my XABF's die, another is still "out there" and the first one...the one I spent 20+ years with? He's still as dysfunctional as he was when I was with him.

My best advice is take care of YOU! You are the only one you can control. She is going to do what she's going to do, no matter what.

I just don't want anyone else to spend decades (like I did) in trying to fix someone else, when I finally found out it was ME I needed to work on.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

ZiggyStardust91

I'm on break at work now. Thank you for all the great advice. I think I will still go see her tonight for closure. But focus the conversation on ME and MY needs. I have to let her do her own downfall. I've tried to intercept her on her path for about a year and a half, this became a relationship of lies. I hid my pain. I need to heal before I can help anyone else. I became addicted to her addiction.

If I don't stop here, I'll be dragged down with her.

Thanks again, I'll keep you all posted.
Ziggy

ZiggyStardust91

I sat down with her. She was stoned.

I said everything I felt was needed. She tried to lie about how she was doing it to find herself (I guess you'll find sobriety by dating a dealer). Then she eventually said she was feeling awkward with me there. So I just left.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I know this is far from over. But this is my first step. Thank you all.

Katiekate

Then she eventually said she was feeling awkward with me there.

Yes, the truth is very awkward for an addict to deal with.

Keep moving forward Ziggy, if you continue with her it could mean years of pain with the exact same result.

Thanks for keeping us updated. We are here.

Katie xo

ZiggyStardust91

She just texted me saying that she appreciated me taking time to write the letter, but the letter proved that I didn't know her.

Here's the message, with names changed.

"I appreciate your letter, theres some truth in it. But the emotion I feel from it makes me realize you never truly knew me. You think you do. Just take care Ziggy, find yourself. Best wishes from Sara, always."

I want to scream. I only spent a year and a half believing in you as you wasted away. I sat at your death bed waiting. Watching you breath through a tube, in a coma. Waiting for the doctor to come and say you had permanent damage.
It's hard to "know someone" when everything is a lie. I feel so used.

I'm hanging in there.

Ziggy