Talking with an Addict (Please Help)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by ZiggyStardust91 
She just texted me saying that she appreciated me taking time to write the letter, but the letter proved that I didn't know her.
Here's the message, with names changed.
"I appreciate your letter, theres some truth in it. But the emotion I feel from it makes me realize you never truly knew me. You think you do. Just take care Ziggy, find yourself. Best wishes from Sara, always."
I want to scream. I only spent a year and a half believing in you as you wasted away. I sat at your death bed waiting. Watching you breath through a tube, in a coma. Waiting for the doctor to come and say you had permanent damage.
It's hard to "know someone" when everything is a lie. I feel so used.
I'm hanging in there.
Ziggy
Here's the message, with names changed.
"I appreciate your letter, theres some truth in it. But the emotion I feel from it makes me realize you never truly knew me. You think you do. Just take care Ziggy, find yourself. Best wishes from Sara, always."
I want to scream. I only spent a year and a half believing in you as you wasted away. I sat at your death bed waiting. Watching you breath through a tube, in a coma. Waiting for the doctor to come and say you had permanent damage.
It's hard to "know someone" when everything is a lie. I feel so used.
I'm hanging in there.
Ziggy
No good will come of responding. She is an addict, the playing field is not fair. Walk away.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
You don’t know her, you can’t ... and not because she said it, because how do you truly know someone who is using and in that mindset where everything is about the next fix. Most likely doesn’t even know herself, having gotten lost in the madness that is drug addiction.
And what you gave and see as you doing for her, you can’t throw that in her face. You made the conscious choice to hang around amid the lies, you sat at her death bed of your own free will. Find your why’s in that to learn and grow from instead of using it to fuel some anger as if you didn’t know, what she was.
Oh them lies ... it is always the ones we tell ourselves that are the most harmful.
Were you as used as you think you were, or were you just all in?
You will be ok. You will get there faster once you stop trying to figure out her and work on figuring out yourself.
And what you gave and see as you doing for her, you can’t throw that in her face. You made the conscious choice to hang around amid the lies, you sat at her death bed of your own free will. Find your why’s in that to learn and grow from instead of using it to fuel some anger as if you didn’t know, what she was.
Oh them lies ... it is always the ones we tell ourselves that are the most harmful.
Were you as used as you think you were, or were you just all in?
You will be ok. You will get there faster once you stop trying to figure out her and work on figuring out yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Yes, absolutely the mind**** like Katiekate said!
This is what makes her dangerous to your psyche, Ziggy, and this is the kind of subtle psychological gaslighting that makes us think we are losing our minds.
"Find yourself?" My God.
This is the magic show, the druggie illusionist, Ziggy, and she will make you very emotionally ill if you continue to grant her access to your head via any form of contact.
You did nothing wrong. Said nothing wrong. Are nothing wrong.
This is the drug addict in action moving someone out of the way.
Find healthy people to have healthy relationships with. You do not need this form of insidious abuse. It may look innocent. But it is about taking you down. That's what addicts do.
This is what makes her dangerous to your psyche, Ziggy, and this is the kind of subtle psychological gaslighting that makes us think we are losing our minds.
"Find yourself?" My God.
This is the magic show, the druggie illusionist, Ziggy, and she will make you very emotionally ill if you continue to grant her access to your head via any form of contact.
You did nothing wrong. Said nothing wrong. Are nothing wrong.
This is the drug addict in action moving someone out of the way.
Find healthy people to have healthy relationships with. You do not need this form of insidious abuse. It may look innocent. But it is about taking you down. That's what addicts do.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Katiekate
Here comes the mind ****! Block her , do not communicate with her. She is screwing with you now. Ziggy, let it go. Just block her, it will just be drama. Be silent, do not engage, this is what addicts do.
No good will come of responding. She is an addict, the playing field is not fair. Walk away.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
this is what addicts do. Speak to you in the way that you feel like theres sth wrong with you at the end. ive heard the same sentences and at the beginning i was really shocked and confused. now i know its their manipulative thinking.
run away Ziggy! you deserve beautiful relationship full of true love x
run away Ziggy! you deserve beautiful relationship full of true love x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: IN
Posts: 26
Thank you all. I will be taking steps towards complete NC.
I will be looking into blocking her number through AT&T when I get home.
In the mean time, her manipulative tactics are really showing through now. A bit ago she texted me again.
"One more thing, do you hate me?
I understand if so"
I didn't reply, and I refuse to. Her mother (also an addict) pulled this same game when she almost caused my Ex's Death from OD. I feel a lot better as time goes on.
I have dinner planned with a friend from High school tonight, he has been helpful to me, so I offered to buy him dinner. I figure I have more time for my friends now.
I have more time for friends, school, and most importantly me.
Thank you all.
Ziggy
I will be looking into blocking her number through AT&T when I get home.
In the mean time, her manipulative tactics are really showing through now. A bit ago she texted me again.
"One more thing, do you hate me?
I understand if so"
I didn't reply, and I refuse to. Her mother (also an addict) pulled this same game when she almost caused my Ex's Death from OD. I feel a lot better as time goes on.
I have dinner planned with a friend from High school tonight, he has been helpful to me, so I offered to buy him dinner. I figure I have more time for my friends now.
I have more time for friends, school, and most importantly me.
Thank you all.
Ziggy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Ziggy - before I realized you already wrote and read her the letter I was going to suggest you write yourself a letter instead, about how you have a life ahead of you.
I'm glad you are here. This is a good place and if you stick around pretty soon you'll be healthier because surely this relationship with her is as toxic as her relationship with drugs.
And where is Zoso when we need him? He's gone through what you are dealing with and can be a huge help to you. I'll PM him.
I'm glad you are here. This is a good place and if you stick around pretty soon you'll be healthier because surely this relationship with her is as toxic as her relationship with drugs.
And where is Zoso when we need him? He's gone through what you are dealing with and can be a huge help to you. I'll PM him.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by ZiggyStardust91
Hi, I am new, so please excuse me for any mistakes.
I will try to keep this as short as possible.
I was dating a girl who was addicted to opiates. He mother supplied them up until she nearly died of an OD November of 2011. Then her father had her move in with him. She was prescribed Suboxone and was showing promising results. She was attending NA meetings, but quit going once she felt comfortable on Suboxone. Once she was taken off Sub, she began to smoke weed again, and I'm sure pills too. This past November she came to me and said that she only tied the pevious year just to make me and her father happy, and that her heat wasn't in it. But, now she wanted to actually do it for heself. I backed her 100% and never rubbed her addiction in her face.
Over time, she would get guilty for all I have gone through for her and try to break up with me (Take a break), because "She doesn't deserve me". I always could talk her out of it and try and boost her self-esteem, but not long after, we'd be repeating it all again.
On January 4th she wrote me a letter about how she needs to accept my love and accept that she is worth it. She then went on to talk about our future together. I never heard anything else about taking breaks after that. But she began to be distant and unavailable at all times of the day. (Never responding to calls or texts for long periods of time).
The 9th of February, she broke up with me and said she was serious this time and needed to find herself. I remained calm and just wanted her to be happy. Then I found out that she left me for a drug dealer. She is now abusing Concerta. I have been NC with her since the 9th, except for on Valentines day. She texted me and said that she knows it sucks, but that I am on her mind. All I replied was "Thanks" and left it at that. Her father has asked me to help him get her to agree to treatment.
I want to write her a letter and read it to her to try and remind her that there is happiness to be had and a future she must care for that drugs cannot obtain. I also want this to be everything I ever wanted to say to her about my love and everything else. I acknowledge that this might be my last time talking to her. I want to try and get her to agree to go to a few NA meetings, which would make her feel really good in the past, hoping I may be able to redirect her path. At this point, I am aware we may not have a future together, but I want to know she at least has a future.
I was just looking for advice on what I should say. I never could really word things very well, and I feel that an addict will be extra hostile. In turn, a single misswording might become a vicious mistake.
If this makes no sense or you need extra information, please do not hesitate to ask, I will update as frequently as I can. Thanks in advance.
I will try to keep this as short as possible.
I was dating a girl who was addicted to opiates. He mother supplied them up until she nearly died of an OD November of 2011. Then her father had her move in with him. She was prescribed Suboxone and was showing promising results. She was attending NA meetings, but quit going once she felt comfortable on Suboxone. Once she was taken off Sub, she began to smoke weed again, and I'm sure pills too. This past November she came to me and said that she only tied the pevious year just to make me and her father happy, and that her heat wasn't in it. But, now she wanted to actually do it for heself. I backed her 100% and never rubbed her addiction in her face.
Over time, she would get guilty for all I have gone through for her and try to break up with me (Take a break), because "She doesn't deserve me". I always could talk her out of it and try and boost her self-esteem, but not long after, we'd be repeating it all again.
On January 4th she wrote me a letter about how she needs to accept my love and accept that she is worth it. She then went on to talk about our future together. I never heard anything else about taking breaks after that. But she began to be distant and unavailable at all times of the day. (Never responding to calls or texts for long periods of time).
The 9th of February, she broke up with me and said she was serious this time and needed to find herself. I remained calm and just wanted her to be happy. Then I found out that she left me for a drug dealer. She is now abusing Concerta. I have been NC with her since the 9th, except for on Valentines day. She texted me and said that she knows it sucks, but that I am on her mind. All I replied was "Thanks" and left it at that. Her father has asked me to help him get her to agree to treatment.
I want to write her a letter and read it to her to try and remind her that there is happiness to be had and a future she must care for that drugs cannot obtain. I also want this to be everything I ever wanted to say to her about my love and everything else. I acknowledge that this might be my last time talking to her. I want to try and get her to agree to go to a few NA meetings, which would make her feel really good in the past, hoping I may be able to redirect her path. At this point, I am aware we may not have a future together, but I want to know she at least has a future.
I was just looking for advice on what I should say. I never could really word things very well, and I feel that an addict will be extra hostile. In turn, a single misswording might become a vicious mistake.
If this makes no sense or you need extra information, please do not hesitate to ask, I will update as frequently as I can. Thanks in advance.
Hanna sent me a PM on your behalf, so I'm a bit late to this party. For that, I apologize, as my schedule is insane these days.
Generally, I don't like to give advice to people because it's not my place and people have to figure out what to do on their own, for good or for bad.
But when you ask what you should say to this girl, the answer's simple:
Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch.
Because whatever you say, your AXGF is incapable of absorbing it. We like to make the assumption that the addict will pay attention to what we'll say because we'd pay attention to them. And that's not how it works. Her eyes look one direction: inward.
She's shown you what she's all about. So, in your own mind, say thank you very much for that and break free of the shackles you find yourself in. Block her number, her email, her Facebook, her LinkedIn, and however else she can contact you and lose her for good.
And then read my Sticky Note at the top of our homepage and begin the process of healing yourself.
Feel free to PM me any time if you'd like to talk.
Best,
ZoSo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: IN
Posts: 26
Thank you Zoso, I have realized that I came here thinking that she was the problem, when in reality, my problem was me. I played into the trap, and laid there willingly as my life was sapped away. I'm done being that. It's time for my happiness. It's time for ME.
Thank you. You all are showing me the light.
Ziggy
Thank you. You all are showing me the light.
Ziggy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 32
Cut the cord
Originally Posted by tjp613
She's not in love with you, she's in love with her drug. The drug will always, always take priority over everything else in her life. She has 'pushed you away' because she is essentially telling you "I don't want to change. I WANT this life and you are in the way." She can't be herself around you, but she certainly can be with her new beau!! She knows she's headed down a bad road and she's gonna need you later....so that's why she's keeping her toe in the door....just in case she gets in a real jam later on. This is what we 'veterans' call the Roller Coaster. You can ride this ride as long as you want or you can get off, but there's no in between.
She will then wonder what's up...and if she loves you she will get help.
It's called tough love.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by ZiggyStardust91
Thank you Zoso, I have realized that I came here thinking that she was the problem, when in reality, my problem was me. I played into the trap, and laid there willingly as my life was sapped away. I'm done being that. It's time for my happiness. It's time for ME.
Thank you. You all are showing me the light.
Ziggy
Thank you. You all are showing me the light.
Ziggy
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
ZiggyStardust91,
There are modes of operation in every tactical problem that allow
you to disengage from the fight when you are at a grave disadvantage.
It is not cowardice,it is not giving up,it is not knifing a friend in the
back when they needed you most.....it is living to fight another day and
not pissing valuable resources/time/life away for nothing.
When the time comes to watch the tapes/debrief.....you will be AMAZED
at how long you pushed the situation.You will suddenly realize that if you were
watching the engagement as a dispassionate observer----you would have been
SCREAMING at the monitor for the subject (YOU!) to "get the hell out of there!".
The good news is,if you made it to the debrief---you are still alive.
SR is "addiction school".Learn your lessons well.
Actual addiction takes no prisoners,offers no second chances,and CERTAINLY
doesn't let you sip coffee as you discuss possible alternative moves with colleagues.
Addiction is the real deal.It can take you down.Not everyone comes home.
There are modes of operation in every tactical problem that allow
you to disengage from the fight when you are at a grave disadvantage.
It is not cowardice,it is not giving up,it is not knifing a friend in the
back when they needed you most.....it is living to fight another day and
not pissing valuable resources/time/life away for nothing.
When the time comes to watch the tapes/debrief.....you will be AMAZED
at how long you pushed the situation.You will suddenly realize that if you were
watching the engagement as a dispassionate observer----you would have been
SCREAMING at the monitor for the subject (YOU!) to "get the hell out of there!".
The good news is,if you made it to the debrief---you are still alive.
SR is "addiction school".Learn your lessons well.
Actual addiction takes no prisoners,offers no second chances,and CERTAINLY
doesn't let you sip coffee as you discuss possible alternative moves with colleagues.
Addiction is the real deal.It can take you down.Not everyone comes home.
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