FINALLY had it with him.Moving on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 147
FINALLY had it with him.Moving on.
I have been with my opiate addicted husband for 7 years. We have 6 children between us.Yesterday I finally had enough. All put ALL of his belongings on the enclosed front porch (aside from a TV, stereo, speakers and coffee table that I can't carry) I asked his mother to store them in her basement but she refused (only if he asks her)I let him know by text that he was not welcomed home and that his things were ready for him to come and get.(No response) I told him 2 weeks ago that if he didn't get some help that he wasn't welcomed back after he took off to use for an entire week. He agreed to get help and has done NOTHING but stay gone most of the day, give me the silent treatment when he's home (other than an occasional smart remark) He is laid off of work and is only interested in pan handling for his basis needs at this point. His enabling mother (who provides alcohol, cigarettes, food, her cellphone and her pills) has been telling me to run for the hills for months. Last night he came in late, high and drunk after being gone all day to pass out. I met him at the door and asked him to leave. When he went to get some clothes,I told him that they were on the porch he cussed me out and left. Immediately after, his mom called and I told her that I told him to leave. She then proceeded to tell me off for putting he son out on the streets with no warning in the middle of winter because he's not staying with her.(She is also an alcoholic and is addicted to pills, only different is that she has a prescription for them.) I told her that I couldn't take it anymore and that I hated to do this to him and that I've been warning him for months and am not throwing his stuff out. He has always found a place to stay if he wants to use so I'm sure he'll be okay. She said that she'll be unable to sleep now because of me and hung up on me.Today I'm changing the locks and I will be filing for a legal separation on Tuesday. Still scared though. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
WOW!!!!!
You are doing what you NEED to do FOR YOU!!!!!!
I know this is hard. Others will tell you that also. Why? Because we have been
there. Excellent idea about changing the locks. Also, keep you phone in your
pocket, should he come back and be angry and/or violent. We just never know
how a practicing or for that matter newly sober A will react.
Please know that we are walking with you in spirit.
Thank you for sharing your positive for you moves!
Love and hugs,
You are doing what you NEED to do FOR YOU!!!!!!
I know this is hard. Others will tell you that also. Why? Because we have been
there. Excellent idea about changing the locks. Also, keep you phone in your
pocket, should he come back and be angry and/or violent. We just never know
how a practicing or for that matter newly sober A will react.
Please know that we are walking with you in spirit.
Thank you for sharing your positive for you moves!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
jzeb,
You are doing what every addiction counselor and doctor in the world BEGS family members to do: to stop supporting the addict's lifestyle, stop excusing the addict's behavior, stop believing the addict's false promises, stop putting up with the addict's abuse. You are doing the RIGHT THING. And people in recovery know, from their gut, that that is the only way to go that offers hope to the addict and to the addict's family. Setting firm boundaries, taking action instead of just talk talk talk, and vowing that if the addict wants to kill himself with drugs instead of getting help, he won't kill anyone else at the same time. The spouse, the children, everyone within the addict's sphere of influence will be safe, secure, healthy, and whole in spite of his drugs and his lifestyle. Because no longer will he be a tyrant in the home and a bully in the workplace.
You are DONE. You turned him out and that is exactly what needed to happen.
You are going to doubt yourself, when his addiction continues to create disasters in his life. You are going to wonder if you caused those disasters by turning him out.
His USING is what is messing up his life. And that will always be his story as long as it continues.
Whenever you doubt the action you have taken to draw a line between your family's health and a drug addict's love affair with mind-altering substances, take a step back and and list the pros of living with a drug addict in the house and the cons of living with a drug addict in the house.
One column is going to be completely empty.
There is help for him. Free meetings everywhere. Salvation Army programs. There is help.
He is still at the bottom of the well. But your family should not live in the dark dungeon with him.
You did right.
You are doing what every addiction counselor and doctor in the world BEGS family members to do: to stop supporting the addict's lifestyle, stop excusing the addict's behavior, stop believing the addict's false promises, stop putting up with the addict's abuse. You are doing the RIGHT THING. And people in recovery know, from their gut, that that is the only way to go that offers hope to the addict and to the addict's family. Setting firm boundaries, taking action instead of just talk talk talk, and vowing that if the addict wants to kill himself with drugs instead of getting help, he won't kill anyone else at the same time. The spouse, the children, everyone within the addict's sphere of influence will be safe, secure, healthy, and whole in spite of his drugs and his lifestyle. Because no longer will he be a tyrant in the home and a bully in the workplace.
You are DONE. You turned him out and that is exactly what needed to happen.
You are going to doubt yourself, when his addiction continues to create disasters in his life. You are going to wonder if you caused those disasters by turning him out.
His USING is what is messing up his life. And that will always be his story as long as it continues.
Whenever you doubt the action you have taken to draw a line between your family's health and a drug addict's love affair with mind-altering substances, take a step back and and list the pros of living with a drug addict in the house and the cons of living with a drug addict in the house.
One column is going to be completely empty.
There is help for him. Free meetings everywhere. Salvation Army programs. There is help.
He is still at the bottom of the well. But your family should not live in the dark dungeon with him.
You did right.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Central Valley
Posts: 131
Wow - strong lady!
I have never personally been in your situation but applaud your efforts to remove him from you and the kid's life while he is using.
You are so correct - he seems to be able to find a 'warm toilet' any time he is using, why will it be different now if he can't use yours?
I have never personally been in your situation but applaud your efforts to remove him from you and the kid's life while he is using.
You are so correct - he seems to be able to find a 'warm toilet' any time he is using, why will it be different now if he can't use yours?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
You are such an amazing and strong woman! It is so inspiring to hear when people decide to put their needs and well being first. It might be painful for now, but soon you will start to feel the weight lifted off your shoulders. You don't deserve to live in chaos, uncertainty, and disrespect. He might tell others it was out of the blue, but you know that you have warned him for months/years and he choose to test you, he choose to continue and go along his way. He choose this, not you. You are only following threw, and I applaud you for that. It takes so much strength, and you should be very proud of yourself.
Changing the locks is always a good idea and I also agree to keep your phone near you in case he does something drastic. He will most likely try to make you feel guilty and use every trick in the book to get you to change your mind. He'll be nice, mean, demeaning, violent, begging, etc. He will do anything he can to try to get you to doubt yourself, but that is his addiction fighting to continue..It doesn't have anything to do with you. I would try to limit contact as much as possible because our addicts know us all too well, they know what buttons to push to make us feel like it is out fault and know how to make us doubt ourselves.
Keep moving forward. You deserve to be happy!
hugs
Maylie
Changing the locks is always a good idea and I also agree to keep your phone near you in case he does something drastic. He will most likely try to make you feel guilty and use every trick in the book to get you to change your mind. He'll be nice, mean, demeaning, violent, begging, etc. He will do anything he can to try to get you to doubt yourself, but that is his addiction fighting to continue..It doesn't have anything to do with you. I would try to limit contact as much as possible because our addicts know us all too well, they know what buttons to push to make us feel like it is out fault and know how to make us doubt ourselves.
Keep moving forward. You deserve to be happy!
hugs
Maylie
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 51
Good for you!!!! I kicked my AH out a couple of years ago and his mother took him in. She finally figured it out and booted him a few months ago. He goes between shelters complaining about the conditions, yet when asked if he's done anything about getting clean or even just getting supported housing, he dodges the question. He even remarked that he's not like all the other people in the shelter because he doesn't abuse his drugs!!!! He has a way to fall yet.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
100% behind you!
It's so hard to do this, but you know it's right.
I have some compassion for his mom- of course she's upset. I can remember wishing someone else would enable my brother so I didn't have to worry about him. Co-dependent by proxy!
I'd just come up with a one liner for her, and repeat it no matter what she says "I know this is very hard on you and wish there was another way." Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Or something similar that leaves her no response.
Sending you strength and saying a prayer for all of you. This is a horrific disease but you will get through.
Peace,
Hanna
It's so hard to do this, but you know it's right.
I have some compassion for his mom- of course she's upset. I can remember wishing someone else would enable my brother so I didn't have to worry about him. Co-dependent by proxy!
I'd just come up with a one liner for her, and repeat it no matter what she says "I know this is very hard on you and wish there was another way." Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Or something similar that leaves her no response.
Sending you strength and saying a prayer for all of you. This is a horrific disease but you will get through.
Peace,
Hanna
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
He'll be fine. He's an addict. They are VERY resourceful. It's not easy to do what you've done but don't doubt yourself for a second. You have taken the first BIG step in improving your life and the lives of children. Keep reading and posting. You'll find lots of kind hearts and listening ears here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 129
Wow, I just wanted to say how inspired I was by your post! Have no doubts that you did the right thing... because you definitely did! I'm sure it is so hard... I can't believe his mom would say that. I mean I understand that she is worried about him but you do not deserve to be treated like that. I think what you did was awesome and took a lot of courage. I guess all you can control is yourself... if she feels that way, that is fine but you don't have to let it affect you.
I just posted to say that i applaud you and am proud of you for putting your foot down and following through. Hang in there and keep coming here to post!
I just posted to say that i applaud you and am proud of you for putting your foot down and following through. Hang in there and keep coming here to post!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
Inspiring post and a great example for the many women suffering abuse from their addicts. My hats off to you madam. You still have battles to fight ahead. Stick to you guts, stay strong and protect YOU. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 147
Having a rough time sleeping at night. I'm wondering where he is and if he's okay. Still haven't heard from his mom.Found some pictures and cards yesterday and it just makes me sad and sick at the same time to think about who he once was and who he has turned into.
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