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an update

Old 02-12-2013, 10:51 PM
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ave
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an update

Hello all! I hope you guys are well... I will try my best to keep this brief, as I can tend to be quite verbose and I don't want to make this an unbearable read.

I just wanted to post an update on where I am at. I have been doing OK with things. I left and instituted a no physical contact after realizing my addict bf/ex bf was still using a little over a month ago. I started going to al-anon, he went on a bad binge, I saw him, it was not good, he went to rehab, and I continued on with life. I was really, really, really sad. Devastated feels dramatic to say, but that's really what I felt. I had been drained of energy for awhile before leaving and it continued for a couple weeks... it was so hard just to get up in the morning. I felt empty. I still have moments, but it's improved tremendously.

Now, a month later, I am feeling a lot stronger, but definitely not "better". I have been doing some good work on myself. Being a perfectionist, I always feel like it's not enough, but I know I'm making progress. I've been getting out more, spending more time with friends and with my sponsor, and have been doing stuff for myself; besides going to work and school I've been going to the gym, began a massive deep cleaning at home, lots of meetings, and decided to learn to play mandolin (i am not very good at it... yet )

I wish I could say I have been no contact with him while he has been in rehab, but I have not. I was able to set and maintain boundaries - not going to visit, not bringing him things, not making calls for him to help alleviate consequences from his using. I am proud of myself for saying no to all of it. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. For me, it was more difficult feeling guilty after saying no, but I maintained my ground and did not change my mind.

Anyway, he is getting out tomorrow. Now I am a little nervous. Not crazy, but I am wary of the potential for codie relapse here. Of course I want to see him, but then what? I know I can not go back to being with him. Insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. It seems unlikely that we will be able to see each other and then happily go our separate ways... by which I mean, I do not think it is possible. I am struggling. One second I want nothing more than to lay in his arms, but I also want to want to stay away. I hope that makes sense to someone. I don't want to stay away, but I know I have to, so I want to want to do it. I guess I have to take it a minute at a time... I fear that I have started feeling better, in part, because I have allowed a little bit of denial to settle in, disguised as hope. I know I can not be with him right now. But I can not bring myself to write that sentence without the "right now" at the end.
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Old 02-12-2013, 11:05 PM
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ave
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I also need to add that while doing this cleaning, I discovered that money was missing. He called me to say he was getting out tomorrow, and we had the general rehab phone call.. "how's your day", etc. I said I was cleaning and I seem to have lost some money... He owned up to it immediately. The rest of what he said I basically ignored... I knew they are just words. Empty, no matter how much he means them. Of course he promised to pay it back, and if he stays sober I have no doubt that he will, because as we all know, he is a great guy when he is sober - but he always has the potential to go back to lying, cheating, stealing Mr Hyde.

I haven't told anyone and almost didn't say it here. But I need to get honest! To be honest with myself and all of you, I haven't told anyone (and was reluctant to write it here) because in my heart I know it is such a deal breaker. Part of me doesn't want to hear others say what I know to be true. Even when I knew he had relapsed, I really never thought he would do that. I feel like God had me find it today in order to help protect me from myself... a last warning sign of what I am signing up for if I get back into a relationship with him. My heart is heavy tonight. As crazy as it is, I felt like the rest was forgivable in the context of our relationship. And I still don't want this to be "it". But this feels different. I wasn't even really angry, though I wish I could be. I just feel resigned. He has shown me who he is, but I don't want to believe it. I want to believe in who he was when I met him and he was sober. I want to believe in that, and I want the other guy to disappear... but sadly, even if he stays sober, that guy will always be right around the corner, waiting for the chance to come back.
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Old 02-13-2013, 05:46 AM
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Break ups are hard... I just recently went through a divorce and the emotions you describe are so familiar.. Of course you miss him, that's a natural response but I think you are wise in opening your eyes and seeing the truth.. Missing money, lies etc... Once trust is broken its so hard to get back and I don't ever think we truly give it back to the person that broke it, if that makes sense..

Your BF is coming out of rehab and will be on what is called the pink cloud.. He will seem normal and maybe serious about his recovery.. O course he is because he's been in an environment where no drugs are present and had been able to solely focus on himself.. Rehab is the easy part, dealing with life on life's terms after rehab is the most difficult... The best thing you can do is work on yourself and continue to go to your meetings and still have little to no contact with your ex.. NC is always best but you have to decide what's best for you.. You can be supportive of him from afar without being directly involved with him... Give it a whole year before you make any decisions about your relationship... His actions will show whether he is serious about recovery or not...

Good luck and continue posting here
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Old 02-13-2013, 05:52 AM
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He has shown you who he is, if you do not want to believe it, that is entirely up to you. Thirty days in a rehab facility does not make for recovery, this is only the first baby step. Personally, I wouldn't consider having a relationship with him for at least a year...what is the rush?

What I can garner out of your post is that you are ok with his behavior of stealing, lieing and other things because he was drinking....that IMO is blame shifting on your part, he is an adult he needs to be held responsibile for his actions, drunk or sober. That is part of becoming an adult, responsibility. Growing taller and one year older is only a part of the matrix, maturity and emotional growth is also a part of it.

Keep those meetings up, keep your rose colored glasses in the drawer, watch his actions, forget his sweet, manipulative words.
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