Am i stupid?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
Am i stupid?
On saturday night me and my boyfriend had very nice and cheerfull conversation arranging Sunday dinner. We have massive relationship problems caused by his addiction, so we both were pretty excited for meeting. On that night he was really happy to see me, wanted to please my lots "we can do whatever you want to do!" he said.
And Sunday came we supposed to meet at cinema and then go for dinner. He didn't show up, he turned his phone off. I tried to call him later at the evening. Phone was on again but he didn't pick it up. He called me next day saying sorry and excused himself that he was sleeping whole day till the morning... I agree to see him on Monday. He was very distance and told me he is sober.
And again am I stupid as I think he took on Saturday night? Or is that obvious?
And Sunday came we supposed to meet at cinema and then go for dinner. He didn't show up, he turned his phone off. I tried to call him later at the evening. Phone was on again but he didn't pick it up. He called me next day saying sorry and excused himself that he was sleeping whole day till the morning... I agree to see him on Monday. He was very distance and told me he is sober.
And again am I stupid as I think he took on Saturday night? Or is that obvious?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
No, you are not stupid. You are experiencing life with an addict. What he says means nothing. His actions are what you should use to gauge the truth. Whether he used on Saturday night is irrelevant. He stood you up and refused to communicate with you. I think you deserve better.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with what Suki said. You can never rely on an active addict to keep a date or promise. You can be certain, however, that they will always have an excuse ready to try to convince you that YOU are the one with the problem and lack of compassion.
You have just received a taste of what life with an active addict is like. How long do you want to live like this? The choice is up to you.
And no, you are not stupid at all, you are just inexperienced at dealing with addiction. Most of us believed lies for years and years before we realized that the truth didn't matter anymore.
You are wise to come here and share. I hope you can move past this and find someone who will treat you with the respect, dignity and care that you deserve.
Hugs
You have just received a taste of what life with an active addict is like. How long do you want to live like this? The choice is up to you.
And no, you are not stupid at all, you are just inexperienced at dealing with addiction. Most of us believed lies for years and years before we realized that the truth didn't matter anymore.
You are wise to come here and share. I hope you can move past this and find someone who will treat you with the respect, dignity and care that you deserve.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
No, not stupid at all. You have had good times with this man, and good feelings and you want to get those times and feelings to happen again.
When the pain someone causes us begins to outweigh the past good times and good feelings, the logical thing to do is to step away. We don't always do the logical thing when it comes to relationships. I dated someone for years that caused me more pain than happiness, and still I stayed. I thought I was being loyal and would be rewarded with the love I deserved for going through so much with him. Once I figured it out and walked away, it changed my life and all of my relationships for the better. I don't have time for all that pain any more. I also believe if someone treats me badly and I let them, what I have done is more terrible than their own bad actions. I owe myself more than anyone else owes me.
Peace to you Stucna. I know you are struggling with this and am glad that you have found SR and are striving to learn about the addict mind. I will say a prayer now that you get the answers you need to make decisions that are right for you.
~Hanna
When the pain someone causes us begins to outweigh the past good times and good feelings, the logical thing to do is to step away. We don't always do the logical thing when it comes to relationships. I dated someone for years that caused me more pain than happiness, and still I stayed. I thought I was being loyal and would be rewarded with the love I deserved for going through so much with him. Once I figured it out and walked away, it changed my life and all of my relationships for the better. I don't have time for all that pain any more. I also believe if someone treats me badly and I let them, what I have done is more terrible than their own bad actions. I owe myself more than anyone else owes me.
Peace to you Stucna. I know you are struggling with this and am glad that you have found SR and are striving to learn about the addict mind. I will say a prayer now that you get the answers you need to make decisions that are right for you.
~Hanna
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I don't know you, but I know you deserve better than this kind of treatment. Playing the guessing game about his sobriety is likely distracting you from taking care of yourself, respecting yourself, and having a joy-filled life. You can't win with a person in active addiction who stands you up, lies, etc. Move on, sweetie.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
Oh man, story of my life for the past year. It started (after 18 months of a very attentive relationship) with one time, then after a 5 month stint in rehab, he quickly relapsed and the "silent episode" came with it (about 3 days no answering the phone no matter what), then happened again, faithfully the next month, then every 2 weeks, then every week, until it became clear this pattern was the new normal.
Part of me thinks this was passive-aggressive abuse. They tended to occur after I tried to have a serious discussion about how drinking was affecting the "relationship." He was slowly conditioning me to accept this abuse (was never verbal or physically abusive) - I think it's a frog-in-the-pot-thing. Physical and verbal could very well not have been far behind.
Not saying this is what your guy is doing (or what my Xabf's true motives are), but please be very aware of its possibility. Your gut is probably telling you something you should pay attention to here.
Part of me thinks this was passive-aggressive abuse. They tended to occur after I tried to have a serious discussion about how drinking was affecting the "relationship." He was slowly conditioning me to accept this abuse (was never verbal or physically abusive) - I think it's a frog-in-the-pot-thing. Physical and verbal could very well not have been far behind.
Not saying this is what your guy is doing (or what my Xabf's true motives are), but please be very aware of its possibility. Your gut is probably telling you something you should pay attention to here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Addiction Issues always seems to equal =Phone Issues
Every single time, EVERY TIME, that my ex was using he had "phone issues" or "was sleeping". When he wasn't using it never happened!! NOT a coincidence.
When they are using they don't want to talk so they use any ridiculous excuse. Simple.
But we, in our codependency, somehow make space in our head to believe them!
Every single time, EVERY TIME, that my ex was using he had "phone issues" or "was sleeping". When he wasn't using it never happened!! NOT a coincidence.
When they are using they don't want to talk so they use any ridiculous excuse. Simple.
But we, in our codependency, somehow make space in our head to believe them!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orillia, Ont., Canada
Posts: 165
Obviously it looks like he was using, and I would expect that he was. But even if he wasn't, his behaviour toward you seems pretty callous, and very selfish on his part; surely you deserve better than this. Please try to care enough about yourself to not put up with this sort of thing, you'll be doing the both of you a favour. All the best to you---rick
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by lesliej 
Addiction Issues always seems to equal =Phone Issues
Btw today is second day I'm trying to reach my bf. I decided to go home to my family for couple weeks as i just simply couldn't handle it. So I need break for my mind. Since I left there's no contact at all...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Central Valley
Posts: 131
You are not stupid, first off. The fact that you see giant red flags, air raid sirens going off should tell you that your instincts are correct.
It doesn't sound like you have a big 'investment' with this person. Not living together, no kids etc.
Run, and run fast away from this relationship.
It doesn't sound like you have a big 'investment' with this person. Not living together, no kids etc.
Run, and run fast away from this relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Can I say something that might cause you some hurt in the long run?
My experience is not related to addiction, but very much picking the wrong man with lots of issues and problems.
If this man is your boyfriend, and you have no shared mortgaged property or children, please do yourself a favour and leave. You are free to do so and have no shared responsibilty with him.
Honestly if you are looking to meet someone to settle down with be a life partner and have children, do not pick him.
Treat it like a job interview....get someone reliable, hard working, debt free, who wants to be with you, will treat you well, will be there for you.
Honestly once you have children and a home together it is hard work being with someone who is unreliable and lets you down, whatever the issue is be it drugs, debt etc etc.
Just my opinion and sadly my experience that has made my life incredibly hard. Learn from me.
My experience is not related to addiction, but very much picking the wrong man with lots of issues and problems.
If this man is your boyfriend, and you have no shared mortgaged property or children, please do yourself a favour and leave. You are free to do so and have no shared responsibilty with him.
Honestly if you are looking to meet someone to settle down with be a life partner and have children, do not pick him.
Treat it like a job interview....get someone reliable, hard working, debt free, who wants to be with you, will treat you well, will be there for you.
Honestly once you have children and a home together it is hard work being with someone who is unreliable and lets you down, whatever the issue is be it drugs, debt etc etc.
Just my opinion and sadly my experience that has made my life incredibly hard. Learn from me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
Hannah i havent start meditate yet, but I have just started my friendship with buddhism. I was like a week ago, so now I am learning basics and history. Its absolutely amazing. Thats also what ive planned for my run away holiday. i got myself few books and im going to get into it while im home. Tidy my head is my priority now! I need to decide what i want to do with my life next, what i really want. i believe i will find some answers here.
Sasha4 its not being cruel its being honest and i really appreciate it! you are not the first person who gave me this advice. I used professional help and i was told that if i decide to stay it will be constant neverending mess. I know some terrible stories from london and i read some scary things on this forum as well. All gives me lots of to think about
Sasha4 its not being cruel its being honest and i really appreciate it! you are not the first person who gave me this advice. I used professional help and i was told that if i decide to stay it will be constant neverending mess. I know some terrible stories from london and i read some scary things on this forum as well. All gives me lots of to think about
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Honestly if I had my time over, the man I decided to spend my life with would have good credit, no debt, a good career/job, have a nice supportive family and trustworthy friends with good morals.
Once you have children or share a home, then you are not free to go. Especially when you have children.
Somedays I would live to never ever have to see my partner/ex partner again. But with a child it is never going to happen. He will always have to be in my life to some degree.
And after 14 years of putting up with the same old crap, I have no pity or empathy for him. I am bored rigid by the lack of money, lack of family support and his ridiculous friends.
Life is very lonely and at 39 I think I am too young to spend the rest of my days sleeping alone, planning activities on my own etc, etc.
Honestly I will never ever lower my standards again. From now on I will only aim high.
Once you have children or share a home, then you are not free to go. Especially when you have children.
Somedays I would live to never ever have to see my partner/ex partner again. But with a child it is never going to happen. He will always have to be in my life to some degree.
And after 14 years of putting up with the same old crap, I have no pity or empathy for him. I am bored rigid by the lack of money, lack of family support and his ridiculous friends.
Life is very lonely and at 39 I think I am too young to spend the rest of my days sleeping alone, planning activities on my own etc, etc.
Honestly I will never ever lower my standards again. From now on I will only aim high.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Sasha4
Honestly if I had my time over, the man I decided to spend my life with would have good credit, no debt, a good career/job, have a nice supportive family and trustworthy friends with good morals.
Once you have children or share a home, then you are not free to go. Especially when you have children.
Somedays I would live to never ever have to see my partner/ex partner again. But with a child it is never going to happen. He will always have to be in my life to some degree.
And after 14 years of putting up with the same old crap, I have no pity or empathy for him. I am bored rigid by the lack of money, lack of family support and his ridiculous friends.
Life is very lonely and at 39 I think I am too young to spend the rest of my days sleeping alone, planning activities on my own etc, etc.
Honestly I will never ever lower my standards again. From now on I will only aim high.
Once you have children or share a home, then you are not free to go. Especially when you have children.
Somedays I would live to never ever have to see my partner/ex partner again. But with a child it is never going to happen. He will always have to be in my life to some degree.
And after 14 years of putting up with the same old crap, I have no pity or empathy for him. I am bored rigid by the lack of money, lack of family support and his ridiculous friends.
Life is very lonely and at 39 I think I am too young to spend the rest of my days sleeping alone, planning activities on my own etc, etc.
Honestly I will never ever lower my standards again. From now on I will only aim high.
greater then the pain of leaving, I filed for divorce.. It wasn't an easy decision but one that was necessary for my own sanity..
I have no desire to date right now but when I do I can assure you that my standards will be so ridiculously high that I probably will never have a committed relationship with a man again...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by Sasha4
Honestly if I had my time over, the man I decided to spend my life with would have good credit, no debt, a good career/job, have a nice supportive family and trustworthy friends with good morals.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
If he truly had all those things going for him, and was receiving help and working hard then I would be inclined to wait for him. However there would be a time limit on how long I was willing to wait which would be most likely be up to a year.
But I would also question if his friends were trust worthy if he was doing cocaine? What situations are they hanging out in? Do his family know? If they do, what support are they offering?
I think it would also depend where I was in life.
If I was at the dating stage or planning on settling down and starting a family.
If I did want a family soon, then the time limit would be shorter.
I now strongly believe that no man should ever take away a woman's right to have a baby.
If they did not want a child then they should make that very, very clear so that you can make your mind up whether to stay or go.
If you do not want children yourself then that might influence how long you were willing to stay.
But if I read that someone with no children and no joint mortgaged property felt unhappy and trapped with someone (addict or not) I would now say no you are not, you are totally free to go and live your life in the manner you want. Enjoy the fact you can simply get and go. Make the most of it.
I have realised that time is short, especially when you are female and you want to start a family.
Men can have children whatever age they are.
It is so much harder for women.
It is not a nice feeling when you can see and feel the clock ticking and you see friends and family round you having children.
For me, this has brought me a lot of resentment. I always thought I would have lots of children, but it is too late now.
Sometimes I feel my approach to finding a partner might be too business like, almost like interviewing someone, but I cannot help how I feel.
Financially I have been very sensible. I might also have slightly missed out on things because I did not want to get into debt. But then to be with someone who can afford nothing, even his fair share of everyday living, is so annoying. It makes me think I should have been reckless with money earlier in life. When you want a modest holiday but to go means you have to pay for your partner too makes me cross. Wanting a nice home but having to finance every project yourself and then him getting the benefit of living there too is also unfair.
Maybe I am just old and bitter!!!!
But I would also question if his friends were trust worthy if he was doing cocaine? What situations are they hanging out in? Do his family know? If they do, what support are they offering?
I think it would also depend where I was in life.
If I was at the dating stage or planning on settling down and starting a family.
If I did want a family soon, then the time limit would be shorter.
I now strongly believe that no man should ever take away a woman's right to have a baby.
If they did not want a child then they should make that very, very clear so that you can make your mind up whether to stay or go.
If you do not want children yourself then that might influence how long you were willing to stay.
But if I read that someone with no children and no joint mortgaged property felt unhappy and trapped with someone (addict or not) I would now say no you are not, you are totally free to go and live your life in the manner you want. Enjoy the fact you can simply get and go. Make the most of it.
I have realised that time is short, especially when you are female and you want to start a family.
Men can have children whatever age they are.
It is so much harder for women.
It is not a nice feeling when you can see and feel the clock ticking and you see friends and family round you having children.
For me, this has brought me a lot of resentment. I always thought I would have lots of children, but it is too late now.
Sometimes I feel my approach to finding a partner might be too business like, almost like interviewing someone, but I cannot help how I feel.
Financially I have been very sensible. I might also have slightly missed out on things because I did not want to get into debt. But then to be with someone who can afford nothing, even his fair share of everyday living, is so annoying. It makes me think I should have been reckless with money earlier in life. When you want a modest holiday but to go means you have to pay for your partner too makes me cross. Wanting a nice home but having to finance every project yourself and then him getting the benefit of living there too is also unfair.
Maybe I am just old and bitter!!!!
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