pianogirl1193

I just discovered this site a couple days ago. Have been reading a lot of your guys' posts and am now finding the courage to post something.

I've been having a hard time, as I recently (less than a week ago) broke up with my addict/alcoholic BF of two years. He is 19 and I am 20, so we are young, and I have never been through a breakup before so I am just lost, depressed, and confused. I get so upset when I think of him ever being with another girl.

I felt like I had no other choice but to break up. Two weeks after he last relapsed, he relapsed again last wednesday, both times ditching me and lying about where he was going. Sadly, I think he probably had been using that whole time. I had been suspicious but his parents said his drug test was clean so I thought...he must be being honest. Nope. His parents even kicked him out so he's just staying with a friend. We are all hoping that maybe this is what he needs to wake up and get his **** together.

This has happened so many times and I just couldn't let myself take that anymore. I know deep down that I do NOT deserve to be lied to. I deserve someone who will love, honor, and respect me.

So, we have been pretty much no contact (except I caved tonight...just one text....) I just realize that right now we cannot be friends and we both need time to figure our stuff out.

The thing is, I have a slight bit of hope that in 6 months or a year he wil have gotten himself on track- sober, clean, working the program, in school, etc. and that maybe we could get back together. I love him so much..he is my first love. I am just so devastated. After all we've been through, he still picks drugs over me.

Do you think it's okay to keep that hope or should I really just let it go? I can survive when I think there is a possibility for us to get back together in the future (i guess anything is possible...) But when I think of this as a forever thing, I just can't handle that.

I have been going to some Al-Anon meetings, as I definitely have issues with codependency and being in unhealthy relationships. I think we both have a lot of work to do individually until we ever could be in a healthy relationship together (or with anybody else for that matter).

I am just hoping, praying that this will be rock bottom for him. But I cannot control it....

jerect

Welcome to SR...

Good for you for recognizing a very unhealthy situation and I'm glad to see that you are already attending meetings for yourself.. This will go a long way in your recovery..

I just recently divorced my husband so I know how painful it is to let go of someone... I have had absolutely no contact with him since the day our D was final almost two months ago and each day of NC brings another day of healing... NC is hard but it's allowing me to focus on myself..

Go no contact from your boyfriend for at least 6 months, stay out of any kind of romantic relationships because the last thing you need is a rebound and continue to focus on yourself.. In 6 months time assess the situation with your BF and see if its worth getting back together more then likely After 6 months of NC you will be in a place where you don't want to be with him at all..

Keep posting and sharing here.. For someone your age you are wise beyond your years.. You are still young sweetie and most often our first loves aren't our last.. It may hurt right now but you will be stronger for it down the road...

dollydo

For right now, I would suggest that you let it go. Give him a solid year of recovery, no alcohol or drugs and working a strong recovery program, then you can reconsider a relationship.

You are young, you have your entire life ahead of you, what's the rush? Keep your meetings up and read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.

We are here for you, keep posting.

Clueless15

I was in almost the same situation about a year ago. My long term boyfriend became an addict. I always had hope we would get back together ( I was pregnant with his child ) but I knew I had to let go. I left him and a month later he got sober. We got back together and it has been so hard. I wish I would of waited until he was completely done recovery before taking him back. Now he has been sober since last may, and doing great. I still fear he will relapse. I'm 20 and he is 19 so we do have some things in common. his family also kicked him out when he was an addict, and never enabled him so that definitely helped. I would say give it some time, I wish I would of. You should focus on your relationship with yourself right

zoso77

What you did -- leaving him -- took a lot of courage. You're only 20 years old, and already you've learned a very valuable lesson: doing the right thing doesn't always feel good. Sometimes doing the right thing feels horrible.

Right now, you need to focus on healing yourself. I don't believe it's wise for you to hold on to the hope your AXBF will get his act together, because probabilistically speaking, that's not likely. Keep doing the right things -- going to meetings, coming here, posting, reading, learning. But I think the most important thing you can do right now is turn to God and ask Him to help you carry the burden of your pain and loss. Because there will be times, as you know, it will feel unbearable. But I can tell you from experience that it only feels that way. You can get through this. It will not be easy, but then again nothing worthwhile ever is. Just do your best every day...

...and then you'll understand that this, too, shall pass...

Best,
ZoSo

janiebluebird

It hurts right now, but there is a bigger picture that you can't see yet. Some of us are wise, and some learn the hard way. Me- I learned the hard way. I was introduced to drugs by my first love at a young age, and wish that I had been more true to myself now that I am older and smarter. Believe me, there are many, many more people who you are going to meet in life. You will fall in love again. Do what you can not to be dragged down into your ex's mess. Stay strong and take care of yourself. The more you focus on you, the better people you will attract into your life.

pianogirl1193

Wow, I cannot express how shocked and grateful I am that I got so many responses! It is awesome to be part of a community of people who truly understand what I am going through. Most people don't understand why I am having such a tough time letting go of someone who is so lost in life while I have so many goals and plans and high hopes for my future. When loved ones are addicts, things become difficult...

*jerect*- has the NC gotten easier or harder? I am having so many urges to text him... telling myself "oh, it's not really that bad if I just ask how he is, what he's been up to, etc." I have refrained so far! But it is pretty tough. I do understand why it is best for now though. I think it will help me take a step back and look at the picture through a different perspective (or I'm hoping at least.) I'm just hoping it will get easier...because as of now it is a minute by minute battle!!! What do/did you do when you wanted to call, text, or email your ex? thank you for replying and for your support!

*dollydo*- I guess there is no rush. I just feel like I probably get really attached to people really fast and he's become such a big part of my life that I just don't want to let go. I do want to get married and start a family semi-young, but obviously that is not going to happen anytime soon! Still in school anyway. Thank you for replying!

*clueless15*- I'm sorry you are going through that! I understand what you are saying... I think if i got back with him after only 1 or 2 months of being clean I'd still have a ton of trust issues and would be constantly worried about him relapsing. I'm glad your bf is doing well now! I will try to take this time to work on myself. thank you!

*zoso77*- It is a horrible feeling. This has literally been the hardest thing I've ever delt with, and i've struggled with eating disorders, depression, anxiety, etc. But this is even worse than that. For the first few days I just felt sick to my stomach and my heart literally ached. Luckily I actually think I am starting to feel a little bit better. I haven't been crying myself to sleep. I've just been staying busy busy busy so I don't think about him all the time. Thanks for the support! I will try to lean on God during this time.

*janiebluebird*- Right now I feel like I don't want to be in love ever again with anybody else. I can't ever picture myself being so intimate (emotionally or sexually) with anybody ever again. maybe that feeling will change eventually. I guess for now I just need to focus on myself.

Today I've been thinking about sex. I really miss having sex with my bf! He's the only one I've ever been with. I don't just want sex, I want sex with him. I think it's just the connection that I'm missing. I feel dumb missing sex so much but I do! I guess that is probably normal.. just a normal part of a breakup? But it sucks. I guess that's just one of many things that I miss. He was never mean to me, never once yelled at me, never abused me (physically or emotionally)...he was a decent guy for the most part. But I will say that he was emotionally unavailable,and that is one thing that really bothered me about him. I think that is probably something he will have to work on in the future. The lying is the worst thing he did.

Anyway, today I succeeded in not texting him at all so I am proud of myself! It was a pretty good day so hopefully tomorrow will be even better. Thank you all for your support! I'm so glad I found this website!

jerect

Piano, NC gets easier and easier for me... He was on my cell phone plan so I disconnected his phone and I have no idea how to get in touch with him so I guess that initially made NC easy... I your finding it difficult maybe block his number.. I know my carrier lets you do it for free.. That way when you have the urge you can't text him.. Also anytime you have the urge post here and one of us will talk you out of it..

I understand you missing the physical connection with someone.. I didn't really have a physical connection with my EXAH because he was emotionally unavailable to me and its really hard to have that connection when the emotions are not present.. Tread carefully here.. Don't get into any kind of rebound relationship right now because you will end up right where you are now.. Been there done that, married him and oh it was Hell ... There is plenty of time to meet someone when you are emotionally ready and have a connection with that someone in a healthy and positive manner..

Keep posting and sharing.. Sounds like you are on the right path

broken101

I understand how you feel...this is one part of my relationship i miss with my exbf also. But sometimes I think maybe that was the only good thing about him he never really was good gor anything else. , but I would rather be happy and at peace every single day of my lonely life than to have 15 20 minutes of pleasure with him.

pianogirl1193

*jerect* I didn't know it was possible to block a number. Perhaps I should try that. I failed again last night (he texted me first!!!) I just feel bad not texting back... I know he is lonely and I don't want to be rude. So it's hard for me just to ignore those texts.. it seems mean to me! But it's not really...right? I will definitely come here when I have more urges to text him! Today is so far so good....

*broken101* I mean last night i literally considered asking him if he wanted to come over and have sex!!! I confirmed with myself that that was the worst idea i've ever had lol. But you are right...it is not worth it. He is not ready to be a good boyfriend, thus no sex! Thank you for responding.

pianogirl1193

I need some more support. my XBF just showed up at my door, high. I've been trying to have NC with him so I was hesitant to even let him in..but though I'd see what he wanted. He brought me some monkey bread (random...) i told him he could come in and talk for a couple minutes. He told me he is applying for new jobs, etc etc. I asked him if he was high and he said yes. I told him he needed to leave. Asked him if he has any intentions of ever getting back together. He said no.

That, I wasn't expecting. I was kind of like, what?? You all know I was trying to move on but I still was holding onto that hope that he might get his life together and we could be together in the future. I guess he is not holding onto that. He said no because we have different interests, like different music, are studying different things (he's not studying anything), I don't like to smoke weed (probably the main one), etc.

I'm devastated. After all I put up with, all the love I game him... he doesn't even care. All he wants is someone to smoke weed with. I'm SO tempted to call him. I want answers. Why? How could you give up on me so easily? Why am I not good enough?

I know deep down that I AM good enough- actually, too good for him at this point. But my heart says something different. I love him. I want to be with him.

I hope he wakes up one day and realizes he is "friends" with a bunch of people who don't care about him, just about drugs. That he gave up everything to get high.

I hope i am strong enough to get through this. Because right now I really don't feel like I am.

GardenMama

Oh, dear, I am sorry you are feeling so bad...It sounds like he really came by just to upset you, regardless of the monkey bread--so weird but the first thing I thought was about the expression, Monkey on His Back! He truly did, to show up high.

Try to move on. You are worth much more than he has to give. Spend your energy loving yourself, working your recovery. Being a victim of an addict is a nasty place to hang out--very painful.

Don't open that door next time, promise?

Take a hot bath or a shower, do some crying, and then let it go. Peace.

LoveMeNow

I would bet anything (If I was a betting person) he was just manipulating you and trying to see your reaction. Testing out the waters, so to speak.

But does it really matter, he already has a "love" you can not compete with. I hope next time, you don't let him come in. Letting him come in and talking to him sends a message that it OK to come over high or get high.

pianogirl1193

Wow thank you guys for your quick replies. I am just in awe of this website... it is so awesome to have such immediate support from people who really understand.

I would have such a hard time not opening the door! But okay, if he does come by again i will not do it!!!!!!! I will come here or call someone.

Why would somebody purposefully upset somebody that they love (or once loved?) I truly believe he does or did love me. We were together for a long time...he even had a 6 or 7 month period totally clean and things were going really well. I just would never purposefully upset somebody that I cared about!!! Does not make sense to me.

I will start to do some serious work on my recovery. It sounds weird to me, saying I am in "recovery." I am not addicted to drugs, you know? But i guess I am pretty sick in some ways, staying in this relationship much longer than I should have. I really do need to learn to love and trust myself.

Thank you so much again. I'm sure I will be back in the next few days!!!!

LoveMeNow

If he doesn't love himself, how can he possibly really love you - at least in a healthy way.

pianogirl1193

Well there was a period last year when he was clean and sober for about 6 or 7 months. things were going really well between us! He was working the program and everything. But yes, since then, everything has been downhill. You are right, he doens't love himself. We are both very broken people. I honestly don't love myself either so i suppose I didn't love him in a very healthy way either.

I guess I just need to focus more on the thoughts like 'i deserve more than he can give me', 'i need to work on my own recovery', and 'i did what is best for both of us' rather than thoughts about how much I miss him. Because that's what I can't stop thinking about!!! I am pretty angry at him though so that's helping a bit...

LoveMeNow

I really wish I could have learned "all this" when I was 20. You are very bright and insightful with your whole life ahead of you.

You will never regret working on you. Without it, you will make the same mistakes over and over. The man may be different, but the unhealthiness will be the same.

This relationship and the lessons it has brought have been a real gift, it's now up to you on how you appreciate such a blessing...or not.

pianogirl1193

Thank you so much *LoveMeNow*. That is exactly what the people in alanon said! That if I didn't work on myself I would end up with another alcoholic/addict. Funny.
The thing is, I just don't know how I would feel about being with someone "healthy". I think it would feel odd not to be needed so much. I just have a hard time believing that there is anybody out there who is really for me. I can't imagine anybody really loving me.

I guess I can say that there were times when I thought honestly to myself that this relationship was just not going to work forever. We really do have different interests and goals. I want to get married young and start a family, while he apparently just wants to smoke weed the rest of his life. I am fairly strong in my faith, he doesn't even know if he believes in God. I have a lot of goals, he has none.

I guess I do need to think of this more as a blessing. It's still hard to let go though.

LoveMeNow

He is probably more of an addiction or a bad habit for you at this point. I remember when I was separated from my AH and I struggled with no contact, a friend told me to put my own crack pipe down. It took a while for me to understand that, but boy when I did....it was very true.

I had become addicted to my addict. I had many hard changes to make. I still do but each one has been a real blessing and worth every tear I cried.

jerect

Piano your a very strong young lady and you are going to be ok... Make the commitment right now of No Contact.. The first few days will be hard so just concentrate on it One Day At A Time... You will see that as the days pass by it will get easier and you will become stronger... When you have that urge to text him text a friend or come here instead..

I agree with LMN, him showing up at your house was a manipulation tactic.. Addicts don't go away very easily.. They keep coming back to anyone that will enable them and feed their addiction whether you are purposely doing it or not..

Stay strong :-)