Seeking Insights into Relationship Problems with Recovering Addict
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 21
I think you are lucky to escape a deeper connection to this girl. She sounds either very unhealthy, or just immature. Healthy adults dont run to their friends with all their problems, and healthy friends dont try to control one another. This is what I see by the examples you have given. She may not be using drugs but she still has lots of problems, and it doesnt sound like she had much respect for you. What decent person end a serious relationship by text message? Right before a planned vacation? We all make mistakes when we are in a relationship, but you sound very giving, and kind. She wasnt even able to have an adult conversation with you and tell you what her needs were. How could you meet them !! That is not your fault, its one of her failures.
My boyfriend became very codependent when he was in a situation like your girlfriends. He had to remove himself from that environment before he was able to stand up on his own two feet again, think and make decisions on his own. I feel sorry for your ex, but she seems to like what is going on in her life. One day maybe she will grow up, maybe not. I would stay away or RUN if she comes back unless she has made HUGE changes in her life. Find a girl with less problems.
My boyfriend became very codependent when he was in a situation like your girlfriends. He had to remove himself from that environment before he was able to stand up on his own two feet again, think and make decisions on his own. I feel sorry for your ex, but she seems to like what is going on in her life. One day maybe she will grow up, maybe not. I would stay away or RUN if she comes back unless she has made HUGE changes in her life. Find a girl with less problems.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Originally Posted by crystalbuterfly 
I think you are lucky to escape a deeper connection to this girl. She sounds either very unhealthy, or just immature. Healthy adults dont run to their friends with all their problems, and healthy friends dont try to control one another. This is what I see by the examples you have given. She may not be using drugs but she still has lots of problems, and it doesnt sound like she had much respect for you. What decent person end a serious relationship by text message? Right before a planned vacation? We all make mistakes when we are in a relationship, but you sound very giving, and kind. She wasnt even able to have an adult conversation with you and tell you what her needs were. How could you meet them !! That is not your fault, its one of her failures.
My boyfriend became very codependent when he was in a situation like your girlfriends. He had to remove himself from that environment before he was able to stand up on his own two feet again, think and make decisions on his own. I feel sorry for your ex, but she seems to like what is going on in her life. One day maybe she will grow up, maybe not. I would stay away or RUN if she comes back unless she has made HUGE changes in her life. Find a girl with less problems.
My boyfriend became very codependent when he was in a situation like your girlfriends. He had to remove himself from that environment before he was able to stand up on his own two feet again, think and make decisions on his own. I feel sorry for your ex, but she seems to like what is going on in her life. One day maybe she will grow up, maybe not. I would stay away or RUN if she comes back unless she has made HUGE changes in her life. Find a girl with less problems.
Actually, I agree with the above. The way she handled all of it was not okay.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My 2 close friends had a fight and kind of broke up. After hearing her side, I thought (not said) he was in the wrong, then when I heard his side, I thought....hmmm, he has a point too. I offered no suggestions or opinions unless asked. Thankfully, they worked it out and are doing very well. I am happy for both of them.
So my opinion is, I am sorry this relationship hurt you. It just wasn't meant to be but I am sure you grew from the experience, hopefully in a positive way. I wish the best in your next relationship.
So my opinion is, I am sorry this relationship hurt you. It just wasn't meant to be but I am sure you grew from the experience, hopefully in a positive way. I wish the best in your next relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 5
I started writing this a few times before seeing other more recent responses. I’m glad I waited…
Cerene, I don’t know what has happened to you personally, but obviously you have some personal experience with gaslighting and abusive relationships, and I think you’re unfairly projecting that on me. I think a more just way of you participating here would be to share your own demons, instead of demonizing me.
For those of you who don’t know what “gaslighting” is, I looked it up. Basically she’s suggesting that I am an abusive sociopath… Last time I checked sociopaths had no conscience, and don’t turn to forums looking to evolve emotionally.
I’d like to clarify, in light of this attack, that when I say my girlfriend suffered unfairly, it was because I have a job that is very stressful and I work long hours. I had also just started a new position in a very dysfunctional work environment. And I rented a house that had an oil-burning furnace that was blowing oil soot back into the property, ruining my health, my belongings, and my well being. I had to move four times in 2012 because of these factors, both my house and business. It was a year from hell. I bitched a lot. And sometimes I was a grumpy jerk, and I’m sure that I took some of it out unfairly on my girlfriend. I’m sure I didn’t give her the attention she deserved. Is that enough to dump me? Maybe. Or yes. Depends on the person, their experiences and their level of understanding and empathy. But this situation was much more than that.
What I want all of you to know is that I don’t think addicts are some unhealthy sort of folk who cannot function. I never even really thought about my girlfriends past with drugs until the fallout of our breakup. Previously, I had always considered her sobriety as a sign of strength. It can’t be easy to have overcome this kind of obstacle. But now that I see a fuller picture, I know of things like her own confessed self-loathing, or “inviting people in and closing the door.” There is an undeniable link between her addiction and what happened in our relationship. And I would like to understand.
The one perspective I did learn from Cerene’s post is that sometimes our truth is more about perception than reality. And in some ways I can see how she misinterpreted things in the ways that Cerene points out. But not because I ever bad mouthed NA or attacked her beliefs. I was dealing with someone, who at best, communicated in subtext instead of explicitly, all of the time. No one is perceptive enough to intuit hidden meanings and thoughts this way. To not tell people what you think or feel – then hold it against them – that’s just not fair.
For the longest time after the breakup, I thought that the matter could have been resolved with a simple dialogue. I would have liked to have talked to my girlfriend in the same way I’m communicating with all of you here. But in my heart I’ve come to recognize that she was incapable of that, and that’s why things played out like they did. When I started writing this response, I elaborated on many things to this effect. But in essence it’s just what Hanna has said in her most recent post, which I thank her for. I think your insights are dead accurate. Especially the part about her emotional development being thwarted by 7 or 10 years.
I sense a clear division in the responses I’ve received here, not unlike the miscommunication between myself and my ex. And by that I mean that many people like myself, who are not a part of the world of recovery, have identified with my situation, while many in recovery have reacted angrily. What I would like to offer you in this regard is that for someone like myself, who knows nothing about addiction or recovery, this is all very daunting, foreign, and confusing. Much more so if you’re dealing with someone who is hiding it from you. If someone is looking for answers or understanding from the outside looking in, don’t necessarily think that they are judging you. In reality, you may be judging them, when maybe they are just trying to do something positive, understand you, support you, or help you.
To answer your last question, Hanna, no, I never had the chance to speak to her again. And I doubt that I will. I would be shocked if she came back and contacted me at this point, given the adamant stance she took. I reached out numerous times to her, and wrote a number of heartfelt e-mails to her, just asking for the opportunity to apologize and explain myself, with no other motives. I asked her for friendship if she couldn’t be my partner, because I felt connected to her, and didn’t want to lose that, too. But nothing.
I’m feeling a bit better now. But it still hurts. I really loved her, and I would have done anything to work things out if she had just been willing to talk to me. I wish I could have poured my energy into working with her to find some understanding, instead of hashing this out on forums (no offense to any of you here, who I appreciate for participating in this dialogue). Before anyone else writes me nasty e-mails, understand that this isn’t an attempt to get absolution for my sins, badmouth my ex, or people in recovery. I just wanted to understand where she was at, and I’m sure it was in some ways, but not all, connected to addiction and recovery.
Ultimately, none of this will probably ever make more sense than it does now. I need to live with the conclusions and comprehension that I have, and move on.
Thanks again to all of you who have commented.
Cerene, I don’t know what has happened to you personally, but obviously you have some personal experience with gaslighting and abusive relationships, and I think you’re unfairly projecting that on me. I think a more just way of you participating here would be to share your own demons, instead of demonizing me.
For those of you who don’t know what “gaslighting” is, I looked it up. Basically she’s suggesting that I am an abusive sociopath… Last time I checked sociopaths had no conscience, and don’t turn to forums looking to evolve emotionally.
I’d like to clarify, in light of this attack, that when I say my girlfriend suffered unfairly, it was because I have a job that is very stressful and I work long hours. I had also just started a new position in a very dysfunctional work environment. And I rented a house that had an oil-burning furnace that was blowing oil soot back into the property, ruining my health, my belongings, and my well being. I had to move four times in 2012 because of these factors, both my house and business. It was a year from hell. I bitched a lot. And sometimes I was a grumpy jerk, and I’m sure that I took some of it out unfairly on my girlfriend. I’m sure I didn’t give her the attention she deserved. Is that enough to dump me? Maybe. Or yes. Depends on the person, their experiences and their level of understanding and empathy. But this situation was much more than that.
What I want all of you to know is that I don’t think addicts are some unhealthy sort of folk who cannot function. I never even really thought about my girlfriends past with drugs until the fallout of our breakup. Previously, I had always considered her sobriety as a sign of strength. It can’t be easy to have overcome this kind of obstacle. But now that I see a fuller picture, I know of things like her own confessed self-loathing, or “inviting people in and closing the door.” There is an undeniable link between her addiction and what happened in our relationship. And I would like to understand.
The one perspective I did learn from Cerene’s post is that sometimes our truth is more about perception than reality. And in some ways I can see how she misinterpreted things in the ways that Cerene points out. But not because I ever bad mouthed NA or attacked her beliefs. I was dealing with someone, who at best, communicated in subtext instead of explicitly, all of the time. No one is perceptive enough to intuit hidden meanings and thoughts this way. To not tell people what you think or feel – then hold it against them – that’s just not fair.
For the longest time after the breakup, I thought that the matter could have been resolved with a simple dialogue. I would have liked to have talked to my girlfriend in the same way I’m communicating with all of you here. But in my heart I’ve come to recognize that she was incapable of that, and that’s why things played out like they did. When I started writing this response, I elaborated on many things to this effect. But in essence it’s just what Hanna has said in her most recent post, which I thank her for. I think your insights are dead accurate. Especially the part about her emotional development being thwarted by 7 or 10 years.
I sense a clear division in the responses I’ve received here, not unlike the miscommunication between myself and my ex. And by that I mean that many people like myself, who are not a part of the world of recovery, have identified with my situation, while many in recovery have reacted angrily. What I would like to offer you in this regard is that for someone like myself, who knows nothing about addiction or recovery, this is all very daunting, foreign, and confusing. Much more so if you’re dealing with someone who is hiding it from you. If someone is looking for answers or understanding from the outside looking in, don’t necessarily think that they are judging you. In reality, you may be judging them, when maybe they are just trying to do something positive, understand you, support you, or help you.
To answer your last question, Hanna, no, I never had the chance to speak to her again. And I doubt that I will. I would be shocked if she came back and contacted me at this point, given the adamant stance she took. I reached out numerous times to her, and wrote a number of heartfelt e-mails to her, just asking for the opportunity to apologize and explain myself, with no other motives. I asked her for friendship if she couldn’t be my partner, because I felt connected to her, and didn’t want to lose that, too. But nothing.
I’m feeling a bit better now. But it still hurts. I really loved her, and I would have done anything to work things out if she had just been willing to talk to me. I wish I could have poured my energy into working with her to find some understanding, instead of hashing this out on forums (no offense to any of you here, who I appreciate for participating in this dialogue). Before anyone else writes me nasty e-mails, understand that this isn’t an attempt to get absolution for my sins, badmouth my ex, or people in recovery. I just wanted to understand where she was at, and I’m sure it was in some ways, but not all, connected to addiction and recovery.
Ultimately, none of this will probably ever make more sense than it does now. I need to live with the conclusions and comprehension that I have, and move on.
Thanks again to all of you who have commented.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Steven,
Hope that you will heal quickly and when ready that you find a woman with the kind of compassion and caring that your writing displays. I think you have what is needed to have a truly healthy and strong relationship and that this painful experience is just a step on the road toward that.
Peace,
Hanna
PS- don't worry about the negative stuff people may write. You obviously have a good handle on the source. We are all viewing life through our own lens.
Hope that you will heal quickly and when ready that you find a woman with the kind of compassion and caring that your writing displays. I think you have what is needed to have a truly healthy and strong relationship and that this painful experience is just a step on the road toward that.
Peace,
Hanna
PS- don't worry about the negative stuff people may write. You obviously have a good handle on the source. We are all viewing life through our own lens.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I have just removed a number of disrespectful posts from this thread. Flaming programs or other people here breaks the rules.
That said, I think it is time to close this thread.
Thank you for understanding.
Ann
SR Moderator.
4. No Flaming: Posting of any content with the intention of disrupting the forum or inflaming members-be it on someone's person, religious beliefs, race, national background, sexual orientation, or recovery program. This includes flaming, flame baiting, registration of multiple accounts or impersonation of another member. Do not Harass, threaten, embarrass or cause distress or discomfort upon another Online Forum participant. This includes flaming on our forums or other public forums.
No posts that attack, insult, "flame", defame, or abuse members or non-members. Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun of, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and recovery are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree. This applies to both the forums and chat.
No posts that attack, insult, "flame", defame, or abuse members or non-members. Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun of, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and recovery are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree. This applies to both the forums and chat.
Thank you for understanding.
Ann
SR Moderator.
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