Child of An Addict
 

Hello everyone,

I'm completly new on here and kind of just looking for some info and some people that have the same problems as I do.

I don't want the title of this post to mislead you. I'm 24 but still living in a house with my father (the addict).

So, my father has been addicted to oxycotin for years. Probably like 10 years. And I literally just can't take it anymore. I can't take his lying (literally about anything, not just the drugs), the breaking into my room to steal my things, the manipulation, the selfishness, how mean he is, the attitude. I mean everything. I go to therapy for anxiety but my doctor thought it would be good for me to talk to people that deal with addicts. I've been readind some stuff on here and I see a lot of people saying they have to 'let go' and 'move on' but this isn't a relationship, this is my father. I can't move out yet. Soon but not yet. I find myself wishing he was dead half the time. And i know that sounds terrible, and trust me i feel guilty for it but its true. I mean my poor mother is such a kind, caring person and she gets stuck with this.

The pills are perscribed to him fr back pain by some doctor that clearly doesn't care about him or his health. So every month my mom keeps the pills and counts them out and figures how many he can have a day, and only gives him that amount. He's constantly begging her for more, coming up with excuses why he needs an extra one that day. And then she hides them and he looks all over the house, finds them, takes extra, and then when my mom finds out he took them he just lies about it.

He does the strangest things. Like things that i just look at him and think the pills had to have rotted his brain. He has dentures because his crowns used to fall out and he would try to crazy glue his crown back in his mouth. Any medications we have in the house, like over the counter stuff, he will take for anything. He has these patches for his back pain that he uses on everything. Like he puts them in his mouth. He saves garbage. He eats everything. Like are these chacteristics of an addict? I have no idea.

Sorry my post is all over the place.

So just wondering what everyone thinks. There's not really much I can do. I don't have money to move out yet. My mother will not divorce him. So, I'm stuck.

Welcome to SR....I'm glad you found this forum and I hope you find answers here.

When the term "let go" is used, it doesn't necessarily mean literally. If it did, the term "kick them to the curb" would be used instead. People often think that letting go means leaving or abandoning the addict and that's not necessarily the case at all. Letting go has more to do with how we cope with the addict, whether they continue to use or not.

Often, when faced with the irrational and deceptive behaviors of an addict, we do things to try to change them or force solutions. Letting go has to do with stopping the things we do and finding more practical and healthy coping mechanisms.

I found help through Nar-Anon. Some have found help through individual therapy with someone who understands or specializes in addiction. Some use SR to gain insight. And there are also some great books out there than can help immensely.

Something that helped me was realizing that.....most of the time, I don't have problems......I have solutions I don't like.

Stick around, keep reading, keep asking questions and take care of you. We do care. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

Hi Steelers18,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. So sorry that you are going through this it very glad you found the forum. There are awesome people here with so my experience, strength and hope to share.

Reading l the stickies at the top of the friends and family forum is a good place to start.

I know you feel like you can't leave right now, but in your shoes Inwould do everything in my power to get out of there. Find a room to rent somewhere, or someone to share with and get a part time job. Think of it like this, if the house had toxic gas in it you would find a place to go immediately, right?

~Hanna

Welcome to SR.

Both of your parents are very sick and both are making you sick. Of course you have anxiety. Some days it must feel your anxiety is going right through the roof. I would lose my mind having to live with that insanity day after day. I would become very ill, have panic attacks and probably clinical depression. Normal people living with insanity become very sick themselves.

So you have to get out and soon. Very very soon. Since you have a counselor, ask that person to help you formulate a plan to get out of that home. Make that your number one priority for Spring. You are not stuck (nor is your mother but she probably has many rationalizations for why she is "stuck" with her life as it is). But you are living in a toxic family which affects your unconscious attitudes about life, about what is possible for you, about what you deserve (peace of mind, healthy relationships, meaningful work), and your unconscious has a lot of power over you. It will hold you there as if you were chained to your bed.

Tell your counselor you have to get out. Enlist that person's assistance in brainstorming school financial aid/loans, cohabiting in a house via craigslist, being a housesitter/petsitter, anything that will get you away from the house and family you are currently enduring. Because they are going to destroy your spirit. There is no "detaching with love" from that kind of insanity until you physically remove yourself from their prison and then continue counseling and some support groups to get your head clear.

Many of us here found ourselves at your age with limited options but with desperate determination to get away from abuse. And you are being abused. Many of us here had to realize that we were going to die--emotionally, surely, but perhaps literally--if we did not escape our abusive poisonous households.

Ask the counselor....TELL the counselor.....you have to get out and you have to have help in making a concrete plan. And that you are running out of time. You are becoming sick. To take you seriously and work with you toward liberating you from that which is damaging you, mind and body, everyday.

"Soon" need to be ramped up to "immediate future". You can do it. You have to.

It is extremely unlikely your parents are going to change. This is what they have made of their life.

Make more of yours.

Thanks for reading and responding to my post. You guys are right. I reallydo need to get out of here asap

Steelers,

Welcome! I would strongly encourage you to try attending AlAnon, NarAnon or ACOA meetings. Any or all of them! They are very helpful to the friends and families of addicted people. Maybe you and your Mom would want to try going together...

Secondly, you are NOT alone. There are tons of us in the world, dealing with family members who are addicts.

Your father has been an addict for a very long time so it is not unusual for him to have developed "weird" behaviors - whether it's the drugs or underlying mental health, who knows?!? My son seems to have a hard time throwing things away, like empty pop bottles, even struggles with it now when he's sober.

My father was an alcoholic, a binge drinker. I never really realized it until I had moved out of the house. But I know there were times I would fantasize about him no longer being alive. So I don't think that is really all that unusual either.

Hang in there. Keep posting/reading and check out what meetings are available in your area.

Hi Steelers18
You are in a situation that you are not going to be able to change so you're going to have to change yourself. There is nothing you can say or do that will change the addiction your father has. He is an opiate addict, that is what oxys are, synthetic heroin basically. I know the crazyness you're going through as my husband is the same as your dad. Your mother is stuck, trying to do this or that to make your dad do differently and that isn't going to work either. As soon as your dad runs out of the pills it's a nightmare until he gets more, repeat that, repeat that, repeat that and that's all life is for him. Accept this. Know that you can't control it or 'fix' him and begin your exit plan for that is all you can do for yourself to move on in your life. Maybe your mother needs to read some of these posts as well. Addicts don't care about anything except making sure they have the drug. Sad but it's the truth. Peace.

Living with an addict father and a codependent mother is anxiety-producing! I agree with everyone here, and you ought to read the words of EnglishGarden until you have memorized them. Really, make a plan and get out of there ASAP. You deserve so much better.

I highly recommend attending NarAnon or AlAnon, getting a therapist (if your doctor is a psychiatrist you don't likely get the longer talk-therapy sessions), and finding ways to take care of yourself at all times.

It is more than toxic for you. It is essential to your entire future well-being that you devise and act on an exit plan.

Keep us posted. We care about your recovery.

You are 24. Do you have a goal or a definitive timeline for moving out? When I was 24 living with my parents would have driven me absolutely bonkers... and they weren't even on drugs!

Lol. Yes I do. I go to school and i will graduate in the fall. So as soon as I get a job i will start saving to move out. I don't have too many bills so hopefully I will be able to move out quickly after i get a job.

Thanks for all the support. It's good to know im not alone.

Three weeks of the chaos of living with an addict was more than I could handle. Actually, I wouldn't even call it living since every activity of life including eating and sleeping had the potential to be disrupted. I can't fathom planning to wait 7 months before taking action but I am becoming more and more aware of my own limitations and boundaries.

But you will go when you are ready or when you truly can't take it anymore. There are always options, especially around a college campus.

Do you have healthy coping me mechanisms to manage? Hope you will stick around SR. Especially while living on the house with an alcoholic. No matter what you decide to do, the people here are a wonderful source of support.