The ex husband and the kids...help me identify this new addiction please!
Just for today....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
The ex husband and the kids...help me identify this new addiction please!
Hi All,
I have not posted on here in forever! This board was really useful to me when I was going through my ex husbands crack addiction.
In have a new problem now, even though I am no longer married to my ex, we have 2 children together that he sees about 4 times a month. My ex has not worked in over a year, he is living with his brother and everytime I see him he looks worse and worse. He is almost unrecognizable to me. I saw him last week and had to ask if he was dying because he looked so terrible. Anyway, I have asked him several times if he is using, what he is using etc and he denies doing anything (of course) and blames it on his "anxiety". About a month ago he was admitted to the hospital with MRSA, he has 3 boil like things one by his elbow, one in his groin and one on his leg. He has lost about 60 pounds, always moving in slow motion, looks like a deer in headlights and speaks slowly, like he is confused.
My kids love their dad, I try to let them see him 2 weekends (Sat-Sunday) a month, he doesn't call in between, he doesn't pay any support he is pretty much non existant except for those days. Lately it seems like he is getting worse and when I asked the kids last night what do they do when they are at dads, they replied that they play while dad sleeps. I said does dad sleep alot? They said he takes about 4 naps....um...not acceptable! When I asked what else they do, they told me they go to dads friends house, and daddy and his friend go to the store and Miss so and so watches them and then they come back with candy. My stomach dropped.
Clearly I need to set some boundaries, he is never going to admit to me what he is using now (ideas?)...I cannot put my children in danger. Of course the "enabler" in me feels bad that I am considering not letting him see his children until he cleans his act up...but it makes it hard because I don't know what he's doing. I thought about talking to his mom (we are still close) and requesting visits at her house from now on, so there is another adult present...but I am assuming that it won't make a difference, he's gonna do what he's gonna do...I also know their time with their dad is limited..it won't be long until they figure out what a loser he is, or finds himself incarcerated or.....
So how should I approach this? Have a conversation with him? Just tell him he's not going to see the kids? Supervised visits?
Thanks
I have not posted on here in forever! This board was really useful to me when I was going through my ex husbands crack addiction.
In have a new problem now, even though I am no longer married to my ex, we have 2 children together that he sees about 4 times a month. My ex has not worked in over a year, he is living with his brother and everytime I see him he looks worse and worse. He is almost unrecognizable to me. I saw him last week and had to ask if he was dying because he looked so terrible. Anyway, I have asked him several times if he is using, what he is using etc and he denies doing anything (of course) and blames it on his "anxiety". About a month ago he was admitted to the hospital with MRSA, he has 3 boil like things one by his elbow, one in his groin and one on his leg. He has lost about 60 pounds, always moving in slow motion, looks like a deer in headlights and speaks slowly, like he is confused.
My kids love their dad, I try to let them see him 2 weekends (Sat-Sunday) a month, he doesn't call in between, he doesn't pay any support he is pretty much non existant except for those days. Lately it seems like he is getting worse and when I asked the kids last night what do they do when they are at dads, they replied that they play while dad sleeps. I said does dad sleep alot? They said he takes about 4 naps....um...not acceptable! When I asked what else they do, they told me they go to dads friends house, and daddy and his friend go to the store and Miss so and so watches them and then they come back with candy. My stomach dropped.
Clearly I need to set some boundaries, he is never going to admit to me what he is using now (ideas?)...I cannot put my children in danger. Of course the "enabler" in me feels bad that I am considering not letting him see his children until he cleans his act up...but it makes it hard because I don't know what he's doing. I thought about talking to his mom (we are still close) and requesting visits at her house from now on, so there is another adult present...but I am assuming that it won't make a difference, he's gonna do what he's gonna do...I also know their time with their dad is limited..it won't be long until they figure out what a loser he is, or finds himself incarcerated or.....
So how should I approach this? Have a conversation with him? Just tell him he's not going to see the kids? Supervised visits?
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I always feel for parents who are trying to deal with an addicted spouse (or ex-spouse). Unfortunately, I think we have to really make decisions that are best for our children...even if it is at the expense of their relationship with their father.
Active addiction is very confusing to kids (heck.....it's confusing to adults so how can expect children to understand it).
If you have an ally and good relationship with his mother, perhaps she would be agreeable to supervised visitation at her place. But sending them with your ex in an unsupervised situation.......dangerous to say the least.
I do understand how hard it is to deal with this situation. I allowed my son to spend time with his addicted father. Eventually, I decided to cut him off.......it was obvious that he was filling my young son's head with stinkin' thinkin'. Unfortunately, in my son's mid-teens they began seeing each other on the sly......and they also used together. Just pot....but really.....is that what a responsible father does? While we were shouting "say no to drugs", my ex was passing him a joint. We were the "UNcool" parents (my husband and I) and my XAH was the cool one. How does one fight that during those rebellious teen years!?!
My son is now an addict (currently in recovery but he went pretty darn low--homeless and lost all of his possessions--lost everything.....including his own son).
I'm not suggesting that your situation will turn out like mine. But if I had it to do over again, I would work with the legal system to ensure supervised visitation at least and perhaps drug testing.
There is a line between doing what is best for our kids and hostile parenting......a child advocate can help you navigate the legalities.
I do understand how hard this is. You and your children (and your ex) will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Active addiction is very confusing to kids (heck.....it's confusing to adults so how can expect children to understand it).
If you have an ally and good relationship with his mother, perhaps she would be agreeable to supervised visitation at her place. But sending them with your ex in an unsupervised situation.......dangerous to say the least.
I do understand how hard it is to deal with this situation. I allowed my son to spend time with his addicted father. Eventually, I decided to cut him off.......it was obvious that he was filling my young son's head with stinkin' thinkin'. Unfortunately, in my son's mid-teens they began seeing each other on the sly......and they also used together. Just pot....but really.....is that what a responsible father does? While we were shouting "say no to drugs", my ex was passing him a joint. We were the "UNcool" parents (my husband and I) and my XAH was the cool one. How does one fight that during those rebellious teen years!?!
My son is now an addict (currently in recovery but he went pretty darn low--homeless and lost all of his possessions--lost everything.....including his own son).
I'm not suggesting that your situation will turn out like mine. But if I had it to do over again, I would work with the legal system to ensure supervised visitation at least and perhaps drug testing.
There is a line between doing what is best for our kids and hostile parenting......a child advocate can help you navigate the legalities.
I do understand how hard this is. You and your children (and your ex) will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
What an awful situation. I would definitely not let them go see him unsupervised, but please don't put his mom in the middle of it. That's a horrible position to be in, too.
Is there a court ordered visitation? How old are your kids? If you don't take the kids over will he ask why?
I am sorry you and your kids are going through this. Prayers for you.
Is there a court ordered visitation? How old are your kids? If you don't take the kids over will he ask why?
I am sorry you and your kids are going through this. Prayers for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Does it matter what he is using or even if he is using? Look at his behavior! Do you think your kids are safe in his care?
If he can't take care of himself, how can you expect that he's able to take care of your babies? I hope those boils aren't contagious. MRSA can be very catchy.
From webmed:
If he can't take care of himself, how can you expect that he's able to take care of your babies? I hope those boils aren't contagious. MRSA can be very catchy.
From webmed:
Another type of MRSA infection has occurred in the wider community — among healthy people. This form, community-associated MRSA (CA-MRSA), often begins as a painful skin boil. It's spread by skin-to-skin contact. At-risk populations include groups such as high school wrestlers, child care workers and people who live in crowded conditions.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the advice you've received. My exAH had boils and went to hospital with MRSA, irrational thoughts, etc. I still don't know what he is/was on - that's not my business. What IS my business is that he only has supervised visitation until he proves that he is sober and working recovery for at least 1 year. I too feel horrible but I need to remain strong b/c my children need me to. I know this is hard. My advice would be nothing less than supervised visitation. You and your children are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am sorry you are going through this. This is not a good situation for your children. They may be "seeing" their father, but he is not present, so they are just learning and making negative associations with him. Not seeing him would probably be healthier in lots of ways, even though it doesn't seem that way to you right now. When they are older you can talk about what happened during this time of their childhood.
And MRSA is really contagious! If there are any visits, they need to be supervised and he needs to have his boils under wraps. My RAD has it and even with no outbreak anywhere on her body, we all had to gown up, wear gloves, etc. every time we went into her hospital room.
Take care.
And MRSA is really contagious! If there are any visits, they need to be supervised and he needs to have his boils under wraps. My RAD has it and even with no outbreak anywhere on her body, we all had to gown up, wear gloves, etc. every time we went into her hospital room.
Take care.
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