horriblethisis

I’m just so tired of it all – ya know? The opiates and recovery, then opiates and recovery again, now gambling, and “on occasion binge drinking” … all while lying, taking lots and lots of money, being shady and deceitful and lying again! The thing is I love my husband, but I don’t want to live like this anymore. He is not living in the house anymore, and I filed for divorce…but every single day he calls me and tells me how much he loves me and that we are soul mates meant to be together…”remember all the good times”, blah, blah, blah. The thing is, I just turned 47 and spent my birthday alone again this year like last year when crap was going on with him. I am just tired of “taking care of him”…I want someone to take care of me for a change. Is that so selfish???? We have been married for 25 years, and the trust was lost 6 years ago. He says he is not going to lose me and will do whatever it takes (heard that before)…but I don’t know that even if he gets the help that he needs that I want to stay. I feel like a bad person, but I think it is just him manipulating me again…if we divorce and get back together…six months will be fine, and then it will happen all over again – I just know it…is it selfish of me after 25 years to completely let go of him for my own sanity? How do I keep my guard up, so I keep MY sanity and take care of myself cause that is what I should do right?????

dollydo

Right, that is what you should do. Do you really want to spend the next 25 years dealing with his BS? If not, then you know the answer.

Ann

Sometimes the damage is just no longer repairable. Most times when a marriage ends, the door is closing on an already empty room.

You can wish him well and hope he finds recovery...that doesn't mean you cannot move forward with your own life and find healing and new beginnings ahead.

It's sad to say goodbye to the past, but it's often sadder to remain living in the darkness of despair.

I wish better tomorrows for you and for him.

Hugs

zoso77

In my experience, once we reach a point where we feel we're at a breaking point, that's something you seriously have to pay attention to. Because at that point, it's all about survival, specifically YOUR survival. It sounds like you're at that point.

An addict either still using or abstaining (but not in recovery) will say and/or do anything to get what their want. That's just their nature. It's also important to remember that while they're still using or abstaining (but not in recovery), they are incapable of being a committed partner in a marriage. And I suspect you're aware of this. The question is what are you going to do with that knowledge.

I'm not a marriage counselor, and thus it's inappropriate for me to give advice regarding marriage to a stranger. What I will tell you is the longer you choose to stay coupled to a sick person -- whether it's a friend, or a family member, or a partner -- the sicker you become. The key thought here is choice: you have a choice in all of this.

Mind you, none of this is easy. It's not supposed to be. But if there's one thing I've learned as a result of my experience with an addict, they don't care if you go down with them, and because of that, I choose not to engage with a sick person.

Please pay attention to what you know in your gut to be true.

Best,
ZoSo

KariSue

NO, it is not selfish of you...no way no how. Dr. Phil always says "The only thing worse than staying in a bad marriage for 25 years is to stay in a bad marriage for 25 years and one day..." Pretty much wisdom there.

That 'taking care of them' gets sooooo old. Let someone take care of you for a change or better still YOU take care of YOU for a change.

Good luck. We all know how you feel.

Hugs, Kari

oooopps

He is manipulating you. His version of "soul mate" is someone to clean up his mess and wipe his butt. You dont owe him anything to live this way until you're 60, 70, and 80 years old (wow what a scary thought to be in hell for so long right?). Life is short... time to treat yourself well.

Please believe that you are in no way selfish for wanting to leave "hell".

EnglishGarden

From a completely pragmatic, logical, rational, scientific point of view, divorce sounds absolutely sane. This is a man with advanced addictive disease who apparently has not lived a sober life in many years and is a financial and legal high-risk partner.

It may take you a long time, very long time, to work out the deep emotional issues you are facing.

But my advice is to go ahead and end your legal and financial ties to him via divorce--don't change your mind--and once you are secure in the most basic ways--then take a long break from communicating with him about anything other than the weather, and work one on one with a counselor to clean out your guilt, your regrets, your sadness, and any shame.

He will get clean or he will not. You are not in that particular picture.

So I suggest you get yourself some security and then start the long process of inner work. Give yourself some sacred space and do your inner work. It is time for the windstorms to die down. You need security and you need emotional sanctuary. It truly is time for you.

horriblethisis

This is the best site I have found, and I thank everyone so much for all of the insight that is shared here. It really is such a healing forum.

supportforme

I could have written your post about 7 months ago. I feel your pain. You are not being selfish at all. What I realized is that I had to accept the fact that the man I married and took vows with is no longer here. What's left is a shell of a man that is being controlled by his addiction. Only he can do the work to bring himself back. All you can do is save yourself and keep yourself healthy. By staying, I realized that I was allowing myself to be taken down by his addiction and the consequences as a result. I divorced him to save myself and my children. There is still pain and emotional suffering; however, I've stopped the exposure to the chaos of his addiction in my home and I've stopped the bleeding of our financial stability. I wish you all the best.

jerect

I echo the others, you are not being selfish.. You are simply going through the emotions that are normal when one files for a divorce.. You are grieving a loss and that is perfectly natural and normal and you should allow yourself to feel..

When I filed for divorce I knew I was doing the right thing but I was still an emotional wreck in the inside.. I felt guilty, felt like a failure, felt selfish etc... If your finances allow you too, talk to a counselor.. My job actually had an EAP program where they set me up with three free visits with a professional to talk too.. It helped me tremendously..

My divorce was only final a month and a half ago so emotionally I'm still raw but after not having contact with my ex for that long and not living in that crazy environment I can tell you that I am so much happier... I ask myself why I stayed in that situation as long as I did...

Just take one day at a time and focus on you... I agree with the others... He's only manipulating you.. He's going to say whatever in hopes that he will change his mind... I filed for divorce the first time two and a half years ago and I fell for his manipulation tactics.. He even went to detox and pretended to work a half assed program.. Things didn't get better they got worse because he really didn't want to get clean...

Hang in there... Your not horrible at this... Your going to be GREAT at this... And if you ever need to talk you can privately PM me...

outtolunch

Under similar circumstances, I would change my phone number.