allthatsgood

Its been a while now that my 23 yr old son has been in recovery. I keep wondering, now that his mind is free of drugs, whether or not he has taken a look back and realized what his using did to his life and his family. He never talks about his recovery or about his time using. I never ask more than "how's it going" because I know it is his recovery to work. I forgave him a long time ago for the things he did to me. Although my forgiveness had no conditions attached, like an apology, I thought one of the steps of AA was to make amends. I have read posts from the substance abuse forum and it seems like the people there seem to talk so freely about their recovery - how life is so much better - how they feel so much better. I've also read here on the family forum how spouses also talk to their significant other about the same things. Is this a mother/son thing or have others experienced the same thing as me? Thank you for sharing.

dollydo

Hello, it's 2013...your year...right? Focus on you. Don't set your benchmark on what others say about their recovery, be thankful that he is clean and sober and leave it at that.

allthatsgood

Absolutely Dolly! 2013...my year! I have been focusing on me but every once and awhile those thoughts cross my mind. maybe it's because of reading some of these posts, it's got me going in that direction. Thank you for your post- it pulls me back to me!

Taking5

You say he is in recovery. Is he actually in AA? Got a sponsor? Working the steps?

allthatsgood

Taking5 - yes he is in AA. Has a home group - I know that only because he mentioned it. Not 100% sure if he has sponsor or is actually working the steps. He lives in a SLE and goes to meetings all the time with the guys from the house. He goes back to the rehab he was in every couple of months and talks to the people there.

Impurrfect

I can only share my ES&H. I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie who has loved ones who have been/are active in addiction.

It took me time to make amends to my family. They had heard "I'll do better" so many times, I felt words were inadequate. I set out to show them, by actions, that I was solid in recovery.

I said very little, other than "I'm not the person I used to be" but my actions showed recovery. I did tell them I was sorry, but it was only after a while in recovery because I'd said it so many times before.

I still have loved ones who are active in addiction. I honestly don't want words...I want actions. Talk is cheap, actions speak volumes, but that's just me.

I am now the person my family depends on, the one they know will do what I say, when I say it. To me? That shows my recovery.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

allthatsgood

He gets up to talk to the people in the rehab about his recovery

allthatsgood

Amy thank you for your sincere post. Please know his actions do mean more to me than words could ever mean. His actions do show me he is serious about recovery. He's living on his own, building a responsible and independent life. Not asking for anything and thankful for the little things we give him here and there. I just feel like his past using and recovery is sort of the elephant in the room that we never talk about. I want to tell him I'm happy for him that he is where he is - in recovery but don't feel like we can tAlk about it.

LoveMeNow

It took my Godchild a long time (about 4 yrs) to make amends to her family because she was still so embarrassed about her behavior. But she would often tell me how guilty she still felt. It wasn't until she started to feel really good about herself and her life again that she made her amends. The funny part about that was...no one wanted her to make amends by then, we were all just so happy that she was becoming so healthy an happy.

Maylie

Everyone handles recovery different. I am a recovered A and a loved one of addict and recovered addicts.

I also felt that words are cheap and that saying "I'm sorry" was so overused in my past that I try to show with my actions that I am not that person anymore and try to keep moving forward in recovery and in life everyday. He might just be working on himself and trying not dwell on the past.

Keep focusing on you. As long as your son is doing what works him in his recovery then he is on the right path. If it bothers you so much that he doesn't talk about it, why don't you express your feelings to him? Now that he is sober he capable of being rational and understanding, i'm sure he prob. doesn't realize that it is bothering you. He might just not know you want to talk about it, or he feels more comfortable sharing with others who have been where he is.

Try to keep focusing on you. As you said, this is your year! Dwelling on things out of our control will only make us crazy.

Ann

I think making amends is a necessary part of healing on both sides of addiction.

That said, they come when they come, some people are ready sooner than others. Some never do this.

I don't know how long your son has been in recovery, but amends is part of Step 9 and it usually takes a lot of work and a lot of time to get that far, sometime it may be a few months and sometimes a year or more...depending on how long it takes to work through the first 8 steps before this one.

I am glad your son is doing well and staying clean. That must be a relief to you. I hope the healing can begin soon for both of you.

Hugs