He S -L -I -P -P -E -D
 

This won't surprise any of you, and it doesn't come as a shock to me. Boyfriend slipped up on Thursday after being clean 8 days from cocaine.

I am not angry at him. I couldn't tell that he used even. He confessed it to me yesterday, and was feeling very low. He used after working a very long shift at work, and after seeing his new counselor for the 3rd time. He intends to get back on the horse and keep working on it.

I do feel sad. I can tell he is hurting. He apologized to me, but I told him he had nothing to apologize for because I could see he was trying hard, and I wasn't hurt or disappointed in him.

In truth, I was hurt that he waited to tell me about the slip. The same day he used, he ended up at my house cooking a special dinner for us. He even bought me flowers and was being romantic. We had a very intimate night, and yet with that closeness he kept it from me.

The rational part of me knows that this belongs to him, and he did not even have to tell me. It's about his coming to terms with the power this drug has over him, and going back to work to beat it.

I don't feel responsible for it, or like I could have stopped it, or like I can now fix it. But I have offered words of encouragement, and I have comforted him, told him this was something that will take time, and he has to look at the bigger picture.

Im also confused a little because he said he was afraid to tell me, because I might be disappointed in him, and even question staying with him; seems like the slip made him feel like he failed. We have talked openly about his use for almost a year, and I have never given him the indication that I would leave simply because he used. For me, it is about how he treats me, and how well he is managing his life, being stable, reliable, etc. These things are good right now.

Sorry for rambling. I have no one to talk to about this. There is nothing anyone can really say I know. Im not obsessing, but its tough seeing someone you love hurting, that's all.

I'm sorry for the stress his slip has created, Daisy. We are powerless, as you said.

He is still pretty much an active user, though, even though he is attempting sobriety. His brain has a lot of changing to do. So I'd just be very careful about believing everything he tells you. It isn't that he wants to hurt you. It's just that his disease is still strong right now.

I hope he continues his recovery work. I'm glad you are here on SR so everyone here can support you.

Breathe deep. Take good care of yourself. Trust your gut when it tries to catch your attention. Addicts are always ten steps ahead of us.

Daisy, I remember being very supportive and understanding too. I remember being so hurt he felt like he couldn't be honest with me. Overtime, I really lost my compassion and patience. Even knowing what I knew, I still took it very personally. I felt betrayed by the lies, felt manipulated and started to resent the times he was so wonderful because it all felt like a lie and one big manipulation. Then I started questioning every time he was nice. It became very destructive. As my husband's disease progressed (I had not idea), my obsession, my anger, and my hurt did too.

I share this so you don't go down the same path. I never even knew I was going down it until I was there.

Eight days is great. I pray he decides it was worth the effort and to continues to try to embrace life on life's terms. I hope you remain supportive and compassionate and NEVER take it personally. It wont help him or YOU.

I respectfully disagree that you shouldn't take it personally. I didn't take it personally for way too long and it kept me in a state of chaos. When I finally started putting me first and stopped trying to justify his addiction is when I started getting things in order to get out of the nightmare. He will always depend on his sweet talk and the I'm sorrys to keep you. And why that is I'll never understand. Why does someone want to keep another's life in constant hurt? What do they get out of that in the long run? My advice is love him from a distance and know that his addiction is more powerful than your love for him. It took me a long time to accept that.

just remember darlin' actions, not words. take care of you! :) so glad that he is putting up the big fight!

hmmm....was there a banana peel around?

Not making light, as this is very serious. I agree with the others, actions are what counts. Continuing to use is an action...despite any and all words to the contrary.

Oh Daisy, I am so sorry to hear that. It is great that he came clean with you, though... and that he is getting back on the horse. I feel like it's a good sign that he told you - he knows he messed up and came clean about it. That doesn't make it OK, but from my perspective, I'd rather have him come clean than lie by omission.

I can relate a lot to what you said. When mine first relapsed, we had the most wonderful 3 days.... He was so kind and romantic and wonderful, made the dinner, the flowers, etc. I was absolutely crushed when I found drugs in his car - I felt like the whole thing was one big LIE. I took it very personally, and it didn't help - he didn't use AT me. He is an addict. Addicts use. even if they have been trying to recover, it can still happen. Now it is just a matter of whether or not I am willing to have it in my life.

He also said he was afraid to tell me... didn't want to disappoint me, all that stuff. Again, I figured, that has absolutely nothing to do with me. I think when they know they have a problem and are trying to stay sober, a relapse carries a huge amount of shame and guilt. They don't want to have to admit it. That is the nature of their disease.... to hide the truth, to get away with things. They are sick. Perhaps especially when a girlfriend is involved, they do not want to admit a "failure" on their part; they don't want to lose her. That isn't because of something you or I have done to make them think they would. I think it stems from an inner sense of inadequacy, part of the "brokenness" that they try to fill with using.

You sound like you are doing ok... keep taking care of you!! This is going to be a long journey and it could become very painful if you can not detach. I will pray for both of you :) best wishes

one day at a time
 

well I've been doing "NO CONTACT" because I know a part of me wanted to believe him and the lies I just can't listen to them anymore. Do I think of him even miss him some YESSSS, but Im trying to love me as I loved him. So I need prayers to go up for me to continue getting the strength I need to make it through one day at a time. I'm going to keep coming on here this site gives me strength as well because I now know the addict CAN be ten steps ahead

I completely understand what you are saying. However, for me, not taking it personally - helps me stay more focused on me and know I can not control others and that I am powerless.

I have also asked the very same question about why don't they leave and just go.........they don't go because we make it too easy and too comfortable to stay.

Its great that you don't take his slip up personally.

Keep taking care of yourself and hopefully he will do the same.

you guys just made me realize that my boyfriend havent stay clear for 7 days as he told me. all this his behaviour... im still so naive :(