Alcoholic turned substance abuser ex???
 

Hi all! I've posted on the boards on and off for a few years now. Ive always felt supported and not judged here, so hoping i can get some opinions. I have an ex who is a "recovering alcoholic" for an ex. I divorced him a few years ago because of his alcoholic and abusive ways. He says he got sober a year later, and has been sober ever since.

A year after we split he started dating a woman we went to school with. This woman is a known pill head and I have been warned about her by others. She also has a criminal past such as stealing from her job. My ex previously had no history of substance abuse minus smoking some pot in high school. Over the last few years he has lost a lot of weight (he doesn't diet), he is more gaunt and scruffy looking, he is being foreclosed on, he refuses to pay medical copays for the kids (child support is current), he has also been driving on bald tires.

Also Over the course of the last 2 years my ex's behavior and parenting has declined. We have 2 kids but he only focuses on 1. He does not participate in the care of educational or health care issues. Once he found out my son was being tested for ADHD he started questioning him and myself if he is going on meds. The girlfriend also questions him and forces him to answer what ever she thinks she has a right to know. I have residential custody and he has 2 nights a week and every other weekend. When they do go with him, they go to this specific house every day. Sometimes my ex goes in with the girlfriend leaving the kids in the car other times he stays in the car with them. My son has also said his dads behavior is weird. He drives honking at everyone, drives leaning over steering wheel, pretends to take cash out of ATM, sometimes stumbles out of house.

I know the saying if it looks and quacks like a duck, it is probably a duck. And I know this probably seems like I should have already done something. But the reason I haven't yet is out of fear. If I am wrong and he finds out the kids talk to me they will suffer at not only his wrath but hers as well. It has happened before. My son also tends to embellish sometimes, so I'm trying to figure out what really is going on.

So my question for all of you is how did you figure out someone was substance abusing? How did you go about the issues involving kids? I give him only the information he needs to know and as little as possible. I also don't force the kids to go if they don't want. But the girlfriend is constantly questioning my son. Sorry this is all over the place. My thoughts are sort of racing right now.

There are others here with more legal experience, but I just wanted to say that the situation sounds very serious. And doing nothing but waiting for a crisis does not seem like a good choice. If either of the adults are driving high, your children are in danger.

Was your custody arrangement made when the divorce was negotiated? That was a year before your exAH became involved with the drug addict/criminal?

I think you have reason enough to seek legal advice about re-negotiating the custody issues and visitation based on the father having a live-in girlfriend who has a criminal and drug history. It seems to me it would be possible to pursue a change in visitation requesting no overnights, for a start.

If you are dealing with two drug addicts--and it certainly seems likely--then you know by now that they will resent you anytime you take action they don't like, and will engage in major power struggles with you, and will lie and will try to inflame the situation. So I would not try in any way to work things out with them directly and I also would not try in any way to gather more evidence through the children.

I suggest you seek legal advice. Privately. And if your children do not have cell phones, perhaps consider providing those to the them, with some emergency numbers for contacts in case they need you or another trustworthy adult.

It is so awful to worry that one's children are not safe with the divorced parent. Others here may have better suggestions than mine.

But I do think your Higher power is trying to give you vital information, through the children and via your gut.

And, one more note. Getting your children into counseling could be also a help.