Fandy

If she is the love of this guy's life, why doesn't he send her $$ to come and be with him.?
You are the stable parent for the kids, your attorney should be able to have you keep the home with them as it is the best least disruptive environment.
I would bet $$$ she never goes to him, because it is a fantasy, i'm very sorry for your pain.

headspin

idk why really dont want to know she isnt there with him. I know she is self destructing and its nothing i can say or do to get her to see it. she has to learn the hard way. if she does goto him, she lost me period, at that point there is no return.

AngelBabe

Oh I see you are in New York. That must be the land of quickie divorces. I would think with kids it would be a longer process. In Maryland you can only get a quickie divorce with abuse or proven adultery basically a party has to admit to it or have evidence of it. Otherwise there is a one year wait before you can even file and child custody, child support, visitation and splitting of assets can drag one out for years.

How old are your kids? I would suggest you ask your wife what her intentions are in regards to your divorce. Does she want the kids, the house, the car etc? Does she work outside the home? These are things to get a feel on. I know you may think the ball in your court but even if she was in rehab as long as she is clean, receiving follow up etc. The courts won't just side with you without a good cause.

Just be smart about what you do and document everything in a journal. Don't be afraid to set some ground rules. Also something to check out, in my state if you live under the same roof does not matter if you have relations or not they consider you together as man and wife. In order to get a divorce someone has to move out. Check out your county website or if you have a chance go to your local courthouse. They can provide you with all the papers to do this yourself without a lawyer. Obviously if it gets messy you would be better helped with one though. Also in my state they have advocates that can help you and your kids. Might be worth checking out whatever resources there way be. Call social services and ask for referrals if need be.

headspin

well, she basically says she wants to just walk away. she says she doesnt want anything except her clothes, the bed, and joint custody.

headspin

and no she hasnt been dont her follow ups.

Fandy

She wants the bed?...?
How is she going to provide a home for the children? Or move them in with her Prince Charming? 1200 miles from their home?
If she is not working her recovery program, your attorney needs to document this. Please also watch out for her relapse, if she is frustrated and unhappy without bf.
You don't have to be her doormat, her stunts indicate that she is really clutching at straws.
It is never easy to watch someone you built a life with crash and burn.

headspin

yes its very hard. you had the same reaction as me about the bed lol. she is very much still in denial about the effects of addiction. she honestly believes she has changed and is well, just like she believed she was well and in control while using. i really hope she wakes up before its too late. she actually got mad at me for learning about this stuff telling me to stop trying to understand and dont talk about things I know nothing about.....i found that rather insulting and funny at the same time because i'm always the one who has to explain things to her 5 times before she gets it. ive always learned really quick. so alot of times when she needed to learn something, i would have to learn it for her and then teach her in a way she could grasp better. Its so crazy, its like she forgot who i am. But, no more of that, that's what chipped my self being away little by little until i was totally codependent from what I've been reading today. I need to stop trying to save her or anybody else. I need to save me from destruction. just trying to figure out how to get me back right now.

Fandy

yes, you have to take care of yourself and you are the only one who cares about your kids, she is being selfish and self-centered...i hope she doesn't get pregnant and bring another child into her world.

and BTW, i am the alcoholic....(sober 21 monthsFandy to the curb for his gambling addictions, i don't really fit in here but have the utmost respect) and i can perfectly understand her selfish irrational behavior. I hope that you have some FTF support from family and friends...this is a terrible way to live with the stress and upset, both for you and your kids.

headspin

congrats on that 21 months--
thanks, actually my only support is here. my side of the family are too upset about how she did me and dont understand the nature of addiction the way i'm starting to learn in this forum. and her side of the family...i really dont know what they talk about. they wont really speak with me about it. so you guys are my only outlet, i've literally been on here for 24 hrs straight. I had so much confusion pain and resentment bottled up and the knowledge shared with me from you guys really put a spin on my view of things. im still hurt in pain as anyone would after such a shock to their 14 yr marriage. but I think i'm headed to a good place. Its just going to take some time.

tbeit

HS you sound like your doing well. Your still very new to this and your already going in the direction of working on yourself and not trying to save her. It takes some longer to get it. Keep up the good work. You and your kids are worth it!

headspin

Its still hard tho. loving someone for 14 years just to find out outta no where its over. then knowing she isnt in her right mind but its nothing i can do. hurts like h***

supportforme

Headspin - I know this hurts but you need to get yourself help. the pain and sorrow of trying to figure out how this happened will eat you alive. I had to find a way to accept this is where I am and how do I move forward. If not, I will fail. For me, it has been like a grieving process. The man I married and fathered my children no longer exists. It's sad and rips my heart apart but it's reality. I live in NJ and you can get a no contest divorce - there is alot of info on line depending on your county. Also, my exAH only has supervised visititaion. He wanted joint custody too. However, it's my obligation to protect my children, so I have full custody and joint legal with supervised visitation. The only way he can get unsupervised is if he passes substance abuse eval and parenting evaluations. Hope this helps and please get yourself help. You need to keep sane and strong for the children.

peanut44

You poor guy!!!!!

I was in a 30 day rehab where i had to live there and it was a great experience.

My husband was extremely supportive.

One of the first things they taught us , no major decisions for at least a year!!

No marriage, having babies, nothing major. Under a year is too fragile for the big decisions at least.....

What your wife is doing is madness!!! Of course this relationship won't work between the 2 of them.....

You need to focus on yourself and your kids. Doesn't sound like your wife has the capability of being a wife or parent!!!

Stay in touch with us here, I'm sure that will help some!!!!!

Stay strong!!

headspin

The woman I married no longer exists either. what makes it so crazy is less than 2 months ago she had me convinced she was in love with me like I have been with her for 14 yrs. Now she says we have nothing in common. she treats all the people from rehab like her new family, all they do is talk about rehab and who relapsed. and I hate having to hear her talk to this guy she thinks shes in love with like he is me. I mean wow, she actually parrots knowledge I shared with her to him and moments we shared they now share. she even sent this guy our vacation pics to grand turks. (of course the pics i took of her alone) but wow how f*** up can u be. its like what ever she can do to hurt me, she does it. I'm signed up for therapy. and I'm desperately trying to detach.

headspin

I'm sure they wont work out. but the crazier thing is, if my wife figures out she messed up she will hide it. she will try to force it to work so she doesn't look wrong. she already has manipulated so many into believing her actions are justified. she has a way of selling water to a whale. she says we should've been divorced and that she wasn't happy. but admits she never mentioned nor implied that to me. as far as i knew she was in love with me and i was the only one she ever wanted to hear her tell it 2 months ago and for the entire 14 yrs. I dont know what to do about the kids, I dont like how shes manipulating them into thinking what she did was ok. and she keeps them very close. before this she never took the kids anywhere. thats why I feel like its manipulation. I feel like shes doing this for selfish reasons. she lets them do whatever they want. and she never tells them no. its messed up. and they dont even know they are being used. and I dont want to cause and more confusion for the kids. I know they love their mother, but I know everything shes doing is for self.

Zube

Headspin-

3 D's...

Document
Detach
Dump

In any order you choose.
Zube

Katiekate

Honey, I know you are very hurt, maybe slowly try to turn your attention to you, your needs, and turn you attention away from her behavior.

The brain of an addcit is poisoned, the brain of an addict thinks only about one thing, next fix, she is pleasure seeking, selfish, she also knows that with her new whatever he is, he is an addict, the brain sees that as a positive, she is staying close to her addiction.

You are a threat to the addcition, and addcition pushes everything that gets in it's way to the side. This is not about you, she is not doing this to you, she is doing it to herself.

She will continue to blame this on you as long as you allow her to blame you.

She is spewing venmon and crap, none of it is true, what is true is that she is an addcit, looking for her next fix, nothing more nothing less.
Stop buying this ********, stop engaging in hurtful converstations that demonize you.

Draw a line in the sand. Get away from her, let her suffer the consequences of her actions.

Turn you attention to getting help for yourself and for your children, for the things that are keeping you in this vicious cycle, you are dealing with addcition, there is no winning except to get your head straight about the truth about what is going on.

You are keeping yourself in a constant state of pain, it's scary to step away from the chaos, but you won't see it until you do step away.

You can't save her, save yourself.

Please keep posting, we care, much love to you Katie








Are you wondering when the pain stops?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready.

Katiekate

I'm sure they wont work out. but the crazier thing is, if my wife figures out she messed up she will hide it. she will try to force it to work so she doesn't look wrong. she already has manipulated so many into believing her actions are justified. she has a way of selling water to a whale. she says we should've been divorced and that she wasn't happy. but admits she never mentioned nor implied that to me. as far as i knew she was in love with me and i was the only one she ever wanted to hear her tell it 2 months ago and for the entire 14 yrs. I dont know what to do about the kids, I dont like how shes manipulating them into thinking what she did was ok. and she keeps them very close. before this she never took the kids anywhere. thats why I feel like its manipulation. I feel like shes doing this for selfish reasons. she lets them do whatever they want. and she never tells them no. its messed up. and they dont even know they are being used. and I dont want to cause and more confusion for the kids. I know they love their mother, but I know everything shes doing is for self.

Typical addcit behavior

Liar
Blameshifter
Gaslighter
User
Manipulator
Denier
Self Centered


Your children are being used by an addcit.

Fandy

Are you paying her bills at this time? Shes been in rehab for 2 months, not working. You might consider not making it easy for her to talk to her new family. Take her off your cellphone plan and give a basic prepaid to the oldest child.
I agree document everything and ask your attorney to help you.

headspin

whats crazy is it seems like you all know my wife personally. she has always been a great liar. to the point where i had to make a get out of the lie free card for her just because she would lie so quick then be scared to take it back, so i turned it into an easy escape game.
gas lighter- we all know what that means...her all day.
has always used people for her benefit.
manipulator-right there with user.
denier- its never her fault and even if it is, she will flip the script on you and youll find yourself defending youself and scratching your head wondering how you got there.
selfcentered- its always been about her.everything