when will the craving go away!!!!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make
them feel better. "
Translated, that means you are precieving that recieving a letter from him will make your day...make you happy inside.
Look deep inside yourself, search for that ability to be happy from the inside out. No one
can give you true peace and happiness except you.
Make it a point to do one thing everyday to build your self esteem and promote happiness.
I am sure that there are many nice, clean, christian, piano players out there who would enjoy dating you, why not consider making some new friends?
them feel better. "
Translated, that means you are precieving that recieving a letter from him will make your day...make you happy inside.
Look deep inside yourself, search for that ability to be happy from the inside out. No one
can give you true peace and happiness except you.
Make it a point to do one thing everyday to build your self esteem and promote happiness.
I am sure that there are many nice, clean, christian, piano players out there who would enjoy dating you, why not consider making some new friends?
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haha! there are!!! there is a boy named "E" who works at the church and he shows interest, but knows about my guy and keeps a respectful distance, he caught me coffee this week and we did devotional together, he texts me sometimes and has no addiction issues, maybe a bit prideful. but I feel a bit like a cheater.... haha! dollydo you made me smile its like you knew....
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but I want to add, that although there are negatives to staying exclusive with my current boyfriend, such as checking the mail, It has put me in a state of exclusive singleness for awhile, like many codies, I always have a BF. I've never been single , so now that he is away, Im learning to live on my own, and I don't want to fall into bad habits of jumping from boy to boy to boy
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your BF was cheating on you with his girlfriend....drugs. He is gone, I thought that you were ready to get yourself together and move forward with your life...is that really the case?
I am not saying that you need a serious relationship right now, however, I feel that you do need to get unstuck...no one needs an addict in their life.
I am not saying that you need a serious relationship right now, however, I feel that you do need to get unstuck...no one needs an addict in their life.
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Originally Posted by dollydo 
Your BF was cheating on you with his girlfriend....drugs. He is gone, I thought that you were ready to get yourself together and move forward with your life...is that really the case?
I am not saying that you need a serious relationship right now, however, I feel that you do need to get unstuck...no one needs an addict in their life.
I am not saying that you need a serious relationship right now, however, I feel that you do need to get unstuck...no one needs an addict in their life.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Don't put yourself down, you are really doing good, progress not perfection....with that said...
I believe that some people are just more codependent than others. I have had flashes of it, IMO, serious ones, yet, when I have had enough and am ready to move on, I do...it is like a switch goes off in my head.
It moves to the off position and off I go. Now, with said, I still may engage myself in a codependent situation and go through the same process., but, today it is for a very brief time frame, the switch engages much more quickly today, and I am done with the adventure.
I have some friends that have never overcome their codependent issues in any way, shape or form, they are stuck...for life. I really do not understand why...it is just what it is. The sad part is that they are miserable (they express that) and really feel cheated in life, yet they just cannot climb that moutain to a better place on the other side. I believe that their learned behavior is so engrained in their personality that they cannot or are unwilling to change.
They are like me...old...you are young, now is the time to walk, climb or crawl over that mountian...it really is wonderful on the other side, the peace, the contentment, the happiness is what the HP wants for all of us!
Here...take my hand, I will walk with you to the other side...Ready?
I believe that some people are just more codependent than others. I have had flashes of it, IMO, serious ones, yet, when I have had enough and am ready to move on, I do...it is like a switch goes off in my head.
It moves to the off position and off I go. Now, with said, I still may engage myself in a codependent situation and go through the same process., but, today it is for a very brief time frame, the switch engages much more quickly today, and I am done with the adventure.
I have some friends that have never overcome their codependent issues in any way, shape or form, they are stuck...for life. I really do not understand why...it is just what it is. The sad part is that they are miserable (they express that) and really feel cheated in life, yet they just cannot climb that moutain to a better place on the other side. I believe that their learned behavior is so engrained in their personality that they cannot or are unwilling to change.
They are like me...old...you are young, now is the time to walk, climb or crawl over that mountian...it really is wonderful on the other side, the peace, the contentment, the happiness is what the HP wants for all of us!
Here...take my hand, I will walk with you to the other side...Ready?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
been there Lily1918.. coming out of it.. done this dance for a few years.. and i am forcing myself out so i don't have to watch my life pass me by.. staying with an active addict is dangerous.. and it only gets worse from my experience.. the cravings do subside with no contact.. they come and go for me but it is getting easier.. that does not mean i am strong enough to go back.. it means i am fragile and tend to run back right about now.. so this time i am going to do something different.. you will do what you need to do when you are ready.. have you tried al-anon yet?
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Originally Posted by blackandblue
been there Lily1918.. coming out of it.. done this dance for a few years.. and i am forcing myself out so i don't have to watch my life pass me by.. staying with an active addict is dangerous.. and it only gets worse from my experience.. the cravings do subside with no contact.. they come and go for me but it is getting easier.. that does not mean i am strong enough to go back.. it means i am fragile and tend to run back right about now.. so this time i am going to do something different.. you will do what you need to do when you are ready.. have you tried al-anon yet?
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
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Lily, at one point, my therapist and I made an agreement that for several weeks, I would only discuss me. The first time, she said "wow, it's been 40 mins and this is first time you mentioned his name," I felt like so proud epecially because i did it without trying.
I had no idea how much I had allowed my thinking to be centered or dominated to all about him. Not talking about him, his problems, his progress or lack of, his wants, his needs forced me to put the focus back where it belonged - on ME.
I realized, at some point, he was my distraction for looking at myself. When I stopped obsessing about him, I started to make far more progress.
Maybe its time to put the focus back on you Lilly!
I had no idea how much I had allowed my thinking to be centered or dominated to all about him. Not talking about him, his problems, his progress or lack of, his wants, his needs forced me to put the focus back where it belonged - on ME.
I realized, at some point, he was my distraction for looking at myself. When I stopped obsessing about him, I started to make far more progress.
Maybe its time to put the focus back on you Lilly!
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Focusing on me was the most difficult turn around that I had to make. Like LMN I found myself reporting on "him" and determining my life based on what he was going to do or not do. I began to force myself to NOT report on him and what HE was doing....only to comment and focus on my fears, feelings, behaviors.
It helped me to set my own bottom lines.....I can't remember what those were exactly when I was with my ex (probably because I never adhered to them!). But for example, today my bottom lines are
1. I will not be in a romantic partnership with anyone in active addiction.
2. I will not be in a romantic partnership with anyone that has struggled with addiction unless they have been sober and working a recovery program for at least 2 years.
3. I will not relinquish my emotional sobriety/serenity to another person and their situation.
4. I will know what I will and won't tolerate in my life and not make it dependent on specific people and their situation.
Once I made my choices dependent upon MY needs/desires and not what someone else was going to do - or not it became so much more manageable for me. All of a sudden, the fears and the gray areas all diminished. End game....I can't sacrifice my emotional sobriety for someone that is still evolving and can't offer me any guarantees. Until I grew strong enough to trust MYSELF I wasn't strong enough to be with another person. I knew that I would fold under the fears and worries of what they might do (or not). I had to become strong enough to take the actions that might mean that I have to end a relationship and/or be alone if my bottom lines were crossed. I had to become strong enough to quit moving those lines to the space that allowed me to remain in the relationship at all costs.
Once I began to trust myself, it became a moot question of whether "he" was trustworthy or not.....whether he remained sober or worked a program. I was in charge of my life and my choices and not whether he reached for recovery. I knew that the chances were really slim for him to remain sober so I knew that I had to figure out a way to be OK no matter what....for me, for my kids.
It helped me to set my own bottom lines.....I can't remember what those were exactly when I was with my ex (probably because I never adhered to them!). But for example, today my bottom lines are
1. I will not be in a romantic partnership with anyone in active addiction.
2. I will not be in a romantic partnership with anyone that has struggled with addiction unless they have been sober and working a recovery program for at least 2 years.
3. I will not relinquish my emotional sobriety/serenity to another person and their situation.
4. I will know what I will and won't tolerate in my life and not make it dependent on specific people and their situation.
Once I made my choices dependent upon MY needs/desires and not what someone else was going to do - or not it became so much more manageable for me. All of a sudden, the fears and the gray areas all diminished. End game....I can't sacrifice my emotional sobriety for someone that is still evolving and can't offer me any guarantees. Until I grew strong enough to trust MYSELF I wasn't strong enough to be with another person. I knew that I would fold under the fears and worries of what they might do (or not). I had to become strong enough to take the actions that might mean that I have to end a relationship and/or be alone if my bottom lines were crossed. I had to become strong enough to quit moving those lines to the space that allowed me to remain in the relationship at all costs.
Once I began to trust myself, it became a moot question of whether "he" was trustworthy or not.....whether he remained sober or worked a program. I was in charge of my life and my choices and not whether he reached for recovery. I knew that the chances were really slim for him to remain sober so I knew that I had to figure out a way to be OK no matter what....for me, for my kids.
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I am usually strong during the day. at night I hate sleeping here alone. I am beginning to understand it isn't him that I am craving. I am craving a loving man who is emotionally available to meet my desires for a relationship. Tonight I am craving moonlight walks in the park by the pond, and sitting next to someone in church tomorrow who has the same beliefs I do, I am craving someone who is stable and has thier life in order. I am not really craving him. I am craving the idea of the kind of man that I want. He is not this person. and then that dangerous little word "yet" creeps into my mind and that terminal hope robs me of peace. I have this war within me. on the one hand, believe and have faith that he is learning and growing and becoming more and more like a normal good Christian man should be every day, and on the other... let it go, he is not this man. don't go to sign up for visitation change your phone number, don't write him. He knows where to find you. maybe do write him a "dear john" letter and tell him of my love for him, and remind him that he knows where to find me, in one years time. ask him to come and find me in a year on a Sunday morning.... and then the other voice says no. stay, wait. he is there he is trying. then soda pops into my head and says do or do not! there is no try.
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Originally Posted by Lily1918
I am usually strong during the day. at night I hate sleeping here alone. I am beginning to understand it isn't him that I am craving. I am craving a loving man who is emotionally available to meet my desires for a relationship. Tonight I am craving moonlight walks in the park by the pond, and sitting next to someone in church tomorrow who has the same beliefs I do, I am craving someone who is stable and has thier life in order. I am not really craving him. I am craving the idea of the kind of man that I want. He is not this person. and then that dangerous little word "yet" creeps into my mind and that terminal hope robs me of peace. I have this war within me. on the one hand, believe and have faith that he is learning and growing and becoming more and more like a normal good Christian man should be every day, and on the other... let it go, he is not this man. don't go to sign up for visitation change your phone number, don't write him. He knows where to find you. maybe do write him a "dear john" letter and tell him of my love for him, and remind him that he knows where to find me, in one years time. ask him to come and find me in a year on a Sunday morning.... and then the other voice says no. stay, wait. he is there he is trying. then soda pops into my head and says do or do not! there is no try.
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Originally Posted by dasiydoc
I think you are making it too complicated. You need to find the place within you where the heart and the mind meet, and make your decision. I read what you write and I wonder why is it you would send him ' a dear john letter ' because it sounds like you are in love with him, and all that talk is only coming from a place of fear regarding the future. If you trust in God then why are you fearful ?
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Originally Posted by Katiekate
Put it in your HP's hands.
Sometimes that is all you have.
It takes some time to change a habit, I went through withdrawal at night too.
Sometimes that is all you have.
It takes some time to change a habit, I went through withdrawal at night too.
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